Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Need is a bit of a strong word. I think I would advice anyone wether they have porn issues or not to try out mindfulness in the same way I would advice them to do physical exercise:)

    To me it's all about odds. Normally I like to compare a reboot to a path, but perhaps a sea voyage is even better. Some see reboot as a lineair thing, but the more I learn about it the more I start to see that it's a very dynamic process that can completely shift with changing circumstances. A lot of these circumstances are out of our control, but what we can do is learn to deal with these circumstances in a better way. There are several skills you can cultivate that help you with that. Mindfulness is one of them. It might not make you able to calm the sea, but it will make you better at keeping your ship steady.
    Shady and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 6

    Finally starting to get some days counted again. I failed a couple of times on day 3 after that first relapse since coming to this forum.

    In the meantime, I’ve made my home a safer environment. My laptop and phone now have ever accountable installed. My phone was already quite safe with a filter and blacklist but I also blocked youtube on it.

    My xbox one and smart tv turned out to be stumbling blocks so my xbox is now installed at my girlfriends place, and she has the remote control for my tv as well. On top of that I stopped my tv subscription so that I only have internet at home. I will put an OpenDNS family shield for extra security as well. In order to still watch some movies and series, I got myself a chromecast so I can still use the tv.

    If I watch P now, my girlfriend can see every search, website, etc. etc. Knowing that, is an extremely strong motivator not to watch.

    It feels so good to finally have a safe environment at home. If you want to quit smoking you don’t leave cigarettes around the house either. Now I can start putting my energy into my recovery instead of fighting the urge to search for P all the time.

    I also got the blood results, they couldn’t find anything.. the doctor says it’s not uncommon at all to be extremely tired after Covid disease. Going slowly in the right direction though.

    If you’re reading this. Have a wonderful and blessed day!
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  3. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Keep going.

    It's good that your GF sees all your history. That's a good idea.

    Do anything that distracts you from pirn. Something you like.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 9

    I’m doing okay. No real porn cravings. There was a beautiful woman on the street yesterday that got a little stuk in my head. When I went to bed I got a massive urge to F & M, but I didn’t. I tried ‘urge surfing’ and that helped. I noticed the feelings in my body until it disappeared. Then I went to sleep.

    Had a great conversation with one of the leaders from church yesterday. He came over so we could talk about my porn problem and we prayed together. Afterwards we talked about tech stuff and the energymarket while enjoying a glass of whisky. He’s a great guy!

    My energy levels are improving. I’ve been working 1 to 2 hours a day and have also been doing more chores around the house. Probably have some bruised ribs which is annoying but other then that, things are starting to look up, physically.
    Eternity, Shady, Gil79 and 2 others like this.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 10

    Have been going through quite a lot of cravings. It’s crazy how much these images stay inside my head. I even remember the sounds of it... Also, it’s like my body is craving orgasm. I usually ride these urges out. Fighting them costs a lot of energy so I just let them be and try to not give them any attention. I’ll pray later, when the storm calms down.

    I’m happy I have the accountability software in place. It’s not easy to fall into the porntrap now. I’ll have to really do some work to be able to look, by finding ways to uninstall the software.. and even then, my girlfriend will get a notification that I uninstalled it. Which will probably lead to her giving me a call.

    Yesterday evening and this morning I had this brief moment (seconds to maybe 1 minute) where I felt this blissful feeling of true happiness, in which I also felt healthy and fit. It was absolutely amazing and I haven’t felt like that in a long long time. Eventhough it was only very short, it reminds me there is hope. If I felt it, I will surely get there again ☺️
    Living likes this.
  6. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Dude, thank you for sharing that! It's so easy to fixate on the struggles. It does a world of good to hear about the victories! Congratulations! I'm excited for the day I begin to experience some of these moments!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Just slipped up a bit due to the constant cravings. Looked af some musicvideos on YouTube with beautiful places and models in bikini’s. Also M’d while looking. I Didn’t O but was edging. Closed it eventually. Not the same dopamine high I get from porn but it’s still not good for my recovery. Besides that I don’t want this in my life, don’t want to objectify girls nor look at any other woman than my own.

    Wanted to come here and post. To stay accountable and such. Need some food and something to shift my focus.
    Eternity and Gil79 like this.
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Good you closed it down and also good you came here to write about it. That can really make a difference.
  9. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    That's damned impressive that you can start on that path and then shut it down! For me, it's always been like getting sucked into a black hole. Once I enter the event horizon, that's it! Game over! Don't punish yourself for the slip. Congratulate yourself for being able to back away! Good job!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 12

    Since yesterday I’ve been going through some very very difficult emotions. Nervousness and anxiety, restlessness..

    Yesterday I was out with my girl to a nearby town because we wanted to orientate on wedding rings. Had somewhat of a panic attack. I could talk to her about, which helped a bit. Really wanted to go home but I decided to face it and conquer it. I don’t want to be a slave to irrational fears. By focussing on my breathing and relaxing all the tense muscles in my body, I got it under control.

    We really saw some great rings and we now know what we’re looking for :)

    On the way back I didn’t feel well and all I wanted was to go home. But I still had to do groceries, so I pulled myself together again and conquered that too.

    When I finally got home I collapsed. There was this huge war going on inside of me. We prayed together and that was very intense. After a while I went through some very very difficult emotions, it was like I was reliving my childhood trauma’s and pain. God was with me, and my girlfriend was there for me as well, to comfort me. But mannn.. this was hard!

    We later talked about it and I think this is what I’ve been numbing with all kinds of addictions for all these years. Having it resurface is scary, but I have to get through it.

    We talked about difficult stuff I went through as a child. In the end, we cried together when I told her my parents didn’t really want a forth child, when my mom found out she was pregnant of me. That pain changed to joy as we realized God wanted me :)

    This morning I still feel a bit off. Some anxiety still lingering. I don’t feel fit and well and I have a birthday today. Did my morning meditation on John 3:16 which is a great verse if you really grasp it and find out Gods love for you.

    “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.“

    Thanks for reading. Have a great day!
  11. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Well done dealing with such a challenging day with such strength and directness! It is too bad that the act of planning for the future can sometimes trigger old emotions from the past! I've felt this too, with a vengeance. However, you looked those emotions square in the eye, allowed yourself to feel them without denying them and you didn't allow them to control you! To me, that sounds like the very definition of strength!

    Also, Happy Birthday my Gemini brethren! (Mine is tomorrow!)
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Thanks a lot for your encouragement! It really means a lot to me!

    It’s not my birthday though haha, that’s in march. Have a great day tomorrow! Happy birthday to you.
  13. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Aaawww shoot! So you were at someone else's birthday!? Well that's embarrassing. Haha! Well I hope you had a great day anyhow!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Haha yeah, it was the birthday of my little nephew. He had a great time. We didn’t stay long though, yesterday was a tough day for me. I was incredibly tired and dizzy. Today seems a bit better.

    Have a great day today on your birthday :)
  15. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi BWB,

    I thought I’d reach out and say hello.

    It sounds like your day 12 was pretty rough, but the fact that you got through it without acting out is a great positive.

    Keep going man!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Day 12 sounded really tough indeed. But you made it through and that's a hell of a step!

    p.s. I noticed that I used the word 'hell' in a Christian mans journal. I hope you don't mind me using it that way. If you I will try to watch my tongue;)
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Thanks Clovis6 and Living for the kind words!

    And no Living, I don’t mind. I understand people have different believes and words sometimes lose their original meaning in everyday language.

    To be honest I really appreciate how people accept eachother on this forum. There’s a good atmosphere here and you greatly attribute to that :)
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2020
    Living likes this.
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 14

    Today is a tough day. I’m so incredibly dizzy I don’t really know what to do about it. Thought going for a walk would do me well but I felt so weak. Could hardly see straight.

    A cute girl was walking her dog, when she crossed the street she ended up walking like 5 to 10 meters in front of me. A part of me wanted to look at her butt, it would feel so good to forget how bad I was feeling and allow myself to lust after her. I decided to cross the street and walk on the opposite side of the road, so I couldn’t look. At first my brain was telling me I’m a fool for not looking. Now I feel proud of myself for conquering the temptation.

    When I got home, I collapsed on the coach. So incredibly dizzy and fatigued. I could hardly speak and only lay down. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Every time it seems that my health is recovering, I fall back. It’s so hard to not give up. But I have to keep getting up again and again and again. I have to keep faith that a bright future awaits me. That I can actually be fit and happy. It’s just so hard.

    The doctor isn’t really much help in this either. There’s still a lot unknown about covid disease. I hear a lot of people are struggling with fatigue and recovery is taking a very long time. I might have a burn out too, so I don’t know if it’s a combination of the two or that there’s something else going on, that worries me. Working isn’t going well. It’s hard to even get an hour of work done per day. Hope tomorrow will be better..
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Low energy and fatigue is hard to pin point. Sometimes it's a physical cause, other times it can be very much psychological. Sometimes a combination. Do you try to do any small level exercising ? Going out for walks is a good idea to keep things moving. I guess low level exercising can kind of energize us as well. Perhaps something as little as a few push ups throughout the day, some jumping jacks or sit ups and squats. Or you could see if you find something on Youtube you can work along with. One thing that can help build consistence is to keep track of the little work outs. On a paper or an excel sheet. That way you build up a chain.
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Thanks for the advice. I used to work out 2 to 4 times a week before I got sick. Now I hardly have enough energy to go for a walk. When I try to do some exercises at home, it’s usually too much and I feel even more fatigued in the days after. It’s really annoying since I miss working out.

    Just went to the doctor. Got the ball rolling to receiving professional help. Going to talk to someone for stress problems and after a waiting list of 50 days I can get help with porn addiction and childhood trauma. The doctor also advised a
    psychosomatic physiotherapist to help me in my physical recovery, breathe better and reduce dizzyness.

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