Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Looking forward to you sharing your success with us. This won't be your end, will it?
     
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    No, I’m not giving up. I just noticed my journal got into a loop which wasn’t beneficial.
     
  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    [​IMG]
     
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    In these last two weeks In watched porn twice and orgasmed once. Might not be as good as some on the forum, but I’m noticing some slight improvements in my mental energy. It’s like my thinking is in overdrive, but in a good way. A lot to figure out and think about in terms of future and finances, but I feel like I’m making progress and getting smarter in a way.
     
  5. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Keep doing the right thing. You'll be doing even better in no time.
     
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Pff why do I keep messing up after I post something positive here. I feel like crap and lost all hope atm.
     
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Yes! I'm seeing that trap as well. I come on here and mention I'm doing great and then that night I'll FMO. Maybe it's good to treat the hours following a post as a critical time and be extra on-guard.

    Let me remind you of the only thing that's kept me going: "It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace" Heb. 13. I remind myself it's not based on my performance. Grace is God's undeserved favour shown to us in Christ.

    There was a group in that time when Hebrews was written trying to say that by eating certain foods we could be accepted by God. The writer of Hebrews has very strong words against these guys. He encouraged the church to stick to the good news: It's not about anything we do, it's about what Christ *has* done. God accepts me 100% in Christ before I mess up, and after I mess up - If I have put my faith in Him, if the cross and resurrection are real to me - He will always accept me as if I never sinned, just like Jesus.

    This sets us totally free. Instead of "bad guilt" which makes us want to give up and run for the hills, remembering the fact that God accepts me on the basis of Christ's perfect performance and sacrifice leads us to "good guilt" or *conviction* that we acknowledge our messing up is not helpful and we want to do better. "God's grace leads us to repentance" Titus 2.

    @BoughtWithBlood you are bought with blood. That means it might take another 10 or 50 years, but you are on the road to perfection right now. If you persevere in the knowledge that He saved you. Did you save yourself in the first place? No. Can you save yourself by abstaining now? No. Phil. 1:6 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." and 2:13 "for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

    That's the hope. Hope you get through this slump.

    I'm starting a new thread in a new age group. Thanks for all you input, it has been really significant and has helped me on my journey.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2021
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  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much @Rudolf Geyse this means a lot and I needed this.

    Will probably find your new threat and post a comment in the new age group :)
     
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey BWB. Hope it's going well with you man.
     
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  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey Rudolf,

    I’m alright man :) trying to get out more. Frequency in relapses lowering a bit. Pluckeye and selfcontrol app have been helpful. Got DNS filtering under that. Not fully waterproof yet, but at least it’s not so easy to relapse now. Also distraction free youtube helps, no scrolling through the frontpage with recommendations means less chance of getting triggered.

    A new therapy starts on monday. Curious what will come from that.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    All the best with that!
     
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Just had a relapse (no binge) looking at p gifs on my phone. Can’t open any p on sites, but I can do image search filter gif’s and look at the previews.

    Anyone know of a way to force safesearch on ios? Cleanbrowsing app isn’t working since it slows down my internet way and way too much
    Edit: turns out cleanbrowsing got an update and works well now :)
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2021
    Shady likes this.
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    When there's willingness, there's a way to accomplish...not only the bad, but also the GOOD! :D

    Onward, onward, onward, brother! We're not the type that quits, there's a fire inside us that doesn't allow it. May we always focus on Christ when we are severely tempted!
     
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    No-nut november guys, let’s go! :D

    grouptherapy started today, was good. Was a bit tense at first but it was a nice group of people. A girl was constantly checking me out, which was nice :) have to make sure I stay true to myself though, I’m there to become the man I want to be. Not to impress the lady’s.

    I do feel like this will help me in my recovery, white knuckling doesn’t work for me since it’s such a strong coping mechanism I’m used to since I was like 7 yo. Understanding the patterns and working on changing my response to emotional triggers is a must.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    No F, P, M or O since Friday I believe was the last relapse. Day 5 is usually a day where I struggle and I do have cravings and flashbacks today. Trying to focus on getting things done.
     
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  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Made it through! Woohoo! Bedtime now.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Crap. Just had a slip onto some gifs on my phone from a website I can’t seem to be able to block. It started when I subconsciously started touching myself. Luckily it wasn’t a lot nor very long. Need to look into what went wrong but first I’m leaving the house.
     
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Relapse on day 7. At least I got a little further than lately. Time to breach the holes in the filters and go again.
     
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  19. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    You can do it, my friend. I don't know if there's anyone who simply "cannot do it", on this forum right here, or in the world.

    Keep pushing.
     
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Every victory counts, and even every setback is part of your reaching to the goal. Keep going, don't give up the fight. You know I fought for years to get to where I am - and I'm by no means out of the woods yet. Your comments on my thread were instrumental for my getting this far. The victory has already been accomplished - therefore you can do it.
     
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