Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks man!

    Had some almost wet-dreams last night. Woke up twice semi-erect with a little semen-leakage. Had a dream I was having some pornlike sex. I don’t like these kind of dreams, they often prelude a day of cravings. I will stay vigilant today and pray against these lingering thoughts.

    Also my penis feels a bit weird now. Like a bit prickly or something. Will probably wear off soon.

    The thought of living a life where I can be a man I admire, is the fuel for my recovery. I have to do this so that I can have the future I desire.

    Time for some coffee as I just woke up. More espressy is less depressy :p
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  2. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    A love-hate relationship on my part regarding these. But more love, rather, because they allow for a healthy outlet. But, as I was posting in my own journal...yep, cravings. I'm one day after a wet dream and they are still there, but they won't do nuttin. Oh, now that was a hilariously unintended play of words, hahaha!! :D

    Stay strong!

    Yessss! Great choice, my friend. "Another brick in the wall", day by day. Go get it!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    :D Hahaha great one
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Stroke...(ugh not again!!!)...of genius? :D What lack of sex makes out of someone...

    Got it! This is what's happening to me:
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Was just watching some sketch as work was done and in it was a sexy lady dressed and looking provocatively. It triggered me, but I did not really focus on her and tried to focus on the sketch. Afterward the sketch was done, I could feel myself wanting to replay the thing and look at her, which would ofcourse lead me down the rabbit hole. In stead of fighting the urge, I tried this technique Mark Queppet describes as "truthful self-talk" and it's crazy how good it works! All urges are gone!

  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Okay, I'm in trouble.

    What worked so well this afternoon stopped working this evening. Just opened twitch briefly and looked at some ladies. Luckily I was mostly turned off by how they were acting since that's not what I find attractive in a woman.. at all. Yet somehow, my body wants to go on a search-binge hoping to find that right girl/stream/video...

    I have to figure out why the tactic works brilliantly at times, but not always. What's different in these moments of temptation? Maybe it's just a physical horniness other than an unmet emotional need that requires escapism?

    Help o_O
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member


    What happend?
    Youtube browsing, algorithm feeding me more funny sketch videos, didn't see the harm, triggering images, then twitch, then twitter, then porn, then PMO

    What did I do right?
    Using the truthful self-talk technique, withstanding quite a lot of temptation.

    What did I do wrong?
    Not learning from what the triggering images did to me. Not getting up and closing laptop when triggered, going to twitch, going on twitter to search for more girls.

    Distraction free youtube extension was just installed. Now I can keep the website for my subscribed channels without the endless scrolling.
  8. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    A man taking responsibility for his actions and taking...action. Saddle up and let's go!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. catchingup

    catchingup Active Member

    relapses are good opportunities to learn from dude, hope you haven't been tough on yourself.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yes, that’s how I need to view them. Opportunities to learn and adjust my stratagy
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    It’s a bit weird, but I feel super good today. Had a great online meeting with my manager. Feeling uplifted, confident, peaceful and happy.

    Didn’t expect that after my relapse of last night but it’s a great surprise haha. God is good :)
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Just installed a siteblocker extension to block twitch and twitter. Alongside the youtube-distraction free this should help me be more productive and run into less triggers.

    Edit: pff my day is an emotional rollercoaster. From waking up super tired not feeling like getting out of bed. To feeling awesome and full of joy, to feeling anger and frustration and now lethargic x1000. Don’t even feel like watching netflix or playing a videogame.

    Guess I’ll just go to bed early and hit the gym in the morning.
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2021
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    The sinusoid of life. As long as you don't end up in the valley too long by your own doing, you'll be golden! Things do get better.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Super brainfoggy and tired today. Hope it gets better this afternoon.

    Edit: Missing my ex like crazy today. Wish I could just drive to her place, make it up and spend the day with her. But I guess that’s not going to happen..

    Edit #2: okay time to stop the self-pity and get some work done. Let’s go!
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2021
    CleanBootsBaby! and -Luke- like this.
  15. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Love that edit #2! :D That's the spirit, man!
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks man, sadly it didn’t last long. Broke down hard today and felt like I was back in the middle of my burn-out. Terrible feeling. Couldn’t focus at work at all. Could only lie down and feel super overwhelmed.

    I also MO’d in the evening, thinking about sexual encounters I had with my ex. Also peaked at some porn before that, but didn’t enjoy it so did it away.

    Eventually got myself together and was able to do the chores I needed to do just now. Putting on some worship music and singing along helped lift my mood.

    My emotions really are in rollercoaster mode. I’m thinking of a way to reduce internet device time, but I’m home alone sooo much that it’s hard to think of other things to do. Thinking about what hobby would do me good, cause I don’t want to get back into gaming.
    Shady likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Intense cravings, instead of staying passive I got up to do things.
    CleanBootsBaby! and Shady like this.
  18. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Good goin'...anywhwere, rather than indulging.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Taking a break from journaling here. Don’t know when I’ll get back to it. Will continue to read and reply to support others.
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Looking forward to you sharing your success with us. This won't be your end, will it?

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