Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    You’re right. I closed down my laptop and will store it away. I think 1.5 months should be a good start. This way I can focus on things that matter again.

    I started working out again this week. It’s time to shift some goals and stop wasting time and feeling sorry for myself.
     
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Great work mate! Get the Dopamine hit from something else. Re-wire your brain.

    PC.
     
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Well that didn’t last very long. Found out my phone filter is flawed. Wanted to fix it, but I can’t since I destroyed the pincode >.< wanted to fix it with the laptop but that doesn’t seem to work.

    Besides that, I kinda need my laptop at the moment because I use it to make money with investing/ trading. Need to find another way about this.

    Lately my addiction is shifting. I really dislike porn and it gives me an uneasy feeling. It’s shifting more towards webcam girls. It’s like I can’t see the body parts or the sex without the actual person any longer, so I want a chat / connection with the person. Ofcourse I understand that this is still the addiction and it should not be a substitute for real life relationships and connections.
    But I just wanted to share the change I’m noticing in my desires. I feel like I’m looking for connection and conversations far more than just sex / porn.

    As an example: This weekend there was this girl who looked sad. I had a great chat with her and was able to really cheer her up. We talked about all sorts of stuff and not about sex at all. She eventually thanked me because it was just what she needed. That was such a wholesome experience. Seeing a woman smile and genuinely happy after looking so sad and lost before.

    Ofcourse my goal is to stop visiting these sites simply because it’s not wise for me to be there and it makes me stumble. It’s a place of lust, not of wholesome experiences and great conversations. I just wanted to share the shift I’m noticing.
     
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I also had a change to camsites at a certain point. In hindsight I think that for me it was just a way to increase excitement, read 'overcome desensitization'. I have never escalated to more extreme porn niches, but I have moved to camsites and later prostitution (or at least an interest therein). Kind of as if that was my way to deal with the desensitization effects of watching too much porn videos. I also had thoughts in which I wanted to 'help' camgirls have a good time or with their 'problems'. Actually (speaking form my experience) this was just my 'nice guy' character looking for approval from women. I have read that also in prostitution there is a large part of the men who visit prostitutes that want to 'help' prostitutes. I am not saying this to criticize you, but maybe it is good to think about it a bit and whether this is real interaction with people and whether you'd be doing that for helping people (women) or for trying to fulfill one of your own unmet needs. Well, anyway you also write that your goal is to stop visiting these sites as well, but I thought I'd just share my experience. You got 2 days of sobriety already, keep going!
     
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  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    I actually think that it’s part of progress. I mean. You are wanting women that aren’t objects and aren’t being degraded. You want a connection. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I suspect we are biologically programmed to want to make women smile, to make them happy, it’s important for the survival of the species. It’s why humor is such a part of courtship and it’s highly prized as a trait in men.
    ‘He makes me laugh’ is a common statement I’ve heard from women about men they are with. There’s nothing wrong with putting kindness and humor out into the world.
    I think the catch is when the relationship is a business interaction, that’s when things get messy. Horny people make dumb financial decisions. Hence strip clubs and sugar daddies.
    The most powerful change I had with women in my life, was being radically honest with them. Then they start being honest with you. It’s amazing the conversational doors that opens up. I used to be scared to speak my mind to women, was worried how they would judge me, but in the end, raw authentic communication is what we all crave, sometimes you have to be brave enough to go first. Hang in there my friend. You’ll get through this. If you do have to use a computer. Lock that box up tight. Don’t destroy the password, but make it hard to get. You got this. Sorry if this turned into a rant.

    PC.
     
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Strength bwb. Always rooting for you man. I'm genuinely pulling for you to take ground in this area. All the best.

    This time autocorrect wanted to change "bwb" to "bib" lol
     
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  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the great insights @Professor Chaos and @Gil79 you both make very solid points. And thanks @Rudolf Geyse for the kind words!

    Sometimes I can get overwhelmed by all the ways people fight this addiction. But I’ve realized people are different. My therapist might have succes with a certain individual using a certain technique or strategy. And a lot of people on this forum have different ways of walking in victory. I wanted to take as much tips and tricks as I could, but it turns out: less is more.

    I kind of lost my way lately. Not being able to get even a week going. But I’ve come to the conclusion I need to do what works for ME.

    As I go back and look at former streaks, there are two main things I did/ believed:
    1. I’m a new creation. The old me died when I got baptized. I am a loved child of God and my sins are forgiven. (This helps against feelings of guilt, shame and not feeling good enough)
    2: No arousal and not allowing sexual thoughts. Days become so much easier when I submit my thoughtlife to Christ.

    2 Cor 10 : 5
    We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

    I will focus more on these two points. This has brought me succes in the past and so I will continue like this.

    So if you’re reading this and you’re struggling. Find out what works for YOU. Analyze your past efforts, ditch what didn’t work and re-employ what worked :)

    Hope you’re having a wonderful day. Be blessed in every way.
     
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  8. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hello, my brother.

    May I add another thing to this ever-growing list of methods? Maybe you will find something that just "clicks" with you.

    One of the most shocking realizations for me was that in the very moment I choose sin over my allegiance to God, I declare that I love sin more than God. This shook me to the core.

    Second, I realized that while in all other causes we are told to resist the devil, when it comes to sexual sin we are told in 2 Timothy 2:22 to flee it. The very moment the ideation takes form in my mind I should remove myself from there. I may not be strong enough to fight the urge.

    Second, regardless if you like Piper or not, regardless of how ridiculous the title of the video may sound to you, please listen to this:

    - it fits exactly my understanding that I am 100% responsible for every choice. I reserve the word "mistake" to describe very few things in my life today. Wilful sin certainly isn't one.

    I simply value the wrong things over the good ones temporarily. I am the restless one, near the waterhole, complaining about "how hard it is", while my sin has all the time in the world to wait for me - the sin is that crocodile waiting for me to extend my neck one time too far.

    One of the biggest healthy fears (I am a big fan of both positive and negative motivation) is dying and being discovered an old man, with my penis still in my hand, and P running on my screen. The thought goes: "If I don't fix this thing now, it will be harder to part with later."

    I see so many Christians praying the expecting the addiction to be taken away. Believe me, I know it did work in some cases supernaturally. However, I am sure that this is rarely what God's grace looks towards most of us. The majority need to pay their dues in parting with this sin.

    Last, a strategy was to erect as many barriers between me and sin. Maybe leave a piece of paper with a verse on my computer. The Bible on the same table. A desktop with a verse. Place that iPad in a cabinet and put 5 reusable zip-ties on it.

    Anything for me to buy me time, to make it an inconvenience to remove them. This time barrier gives me the opportunity to realize what I am doing, for the thoughts of aftermath consequences to seep into my mind.

    Okay, actually a few more: the mentality I approach this is very important. I am not looking at the process from the perspective of "this is but one day in my bag, but an inevitable fall is in my future". No. "This is one more day that has loosened the grip P has over me."

    I don't view it as an active struggle; I view it as a passive act on my behalf. The "I am not using P" (passive) vs "I am fIGHtINg toOTH aND NaIL aGAinst THIS!!" works better for me. There is desperation in me to escape it but not desperation in my approach. I am not tense. I don't fear this thing. I give ti the same respect I give to the lion at the zoo, fully realizing that if I choose to jump into its enclosure it's all on me.

    I realize I did beat this thing a few times before for years; I am simply walking on a path I had traveled before, with an outcome that lies squarely on my shoulders. And God's grace comes most often to the weary warrior (again, I'm not holding that weapon so hard my muscles cramp) - not the couch potato - that is too tired of the fight.
     
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  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey, appreciate the comment, but:

    “May I add another thing to this ever-growing list of methods? Maybe you will find something that just "clicks" with you.”

    If you read my last post. Then you could read this is exactly the problem for me. I take advice from different people, changing up my tactics constantly, trying to be someone I’m not. Which is setting myself up for failure. Eventhough you probably write this from a good heart, you’re ignoring my earlier entry and stepping over my borders. So thanks, but no I will not take the advice right now.

    Just so you know I’m not angry or having bad blood. I’m just setting boundaries.

    I’m happy your ways are working for you and I wish you all the best. Have a wonderful day and be blessed.
     
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  10. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    No problem, my friend. Didn't realize you were closed to any outside suggestion - my bad for not being more attentive; that's like being in a room and overlooking an elephant ("I'm an elephant trainer, btw...")!

    I often tell "purists" ("Behold the Way!") there's more ways to skin a cat and I've seen many successful methods. You will find yours.

    I apologize again and...I'm sure you've got this!
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2021
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  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking this the way you did. Much respect!
     
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  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Likewise! The feeling is mutual.
     
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  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’m doing well. Not a whole lot of problems. Not letting any thought of temptation or rationalization establish a foothold in my mind.
     
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  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Okay that was close, clicked a link that redirected my to twitch. And the recommendations were filled with channels from my last relapse. I was not prepared and so I clicked almost automatically. I came to my senses shortly after as I was about to go down the rabbit hole of clicking from channel to channel.. “What am I doing?.. these girls are keeping me from a succesful life” popped into my mind.

    And so I did it away, came on here to post and will pray after. Can’t let this seed germinate and grow into a relapse days after. Gotta deal with it now.
     
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  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Okay. That didn’t go so well..

    I should’ve closed the laptop, get up and pray immediately, in stead of coming on here to post. Because now I was still on the couch in the same state; passive. So after posting here I thought: “oh let me get rid of those recommendations first, then I’ll get up and pray” and so I want for that, but then I encountered something really triggering and I clicked.. then another one and then another one. And then I MO’d..

    At least it wasn’t nude or porn and there was no edging. But it sucks because I was doing well. Gotta stay vigilant for unexpected triggers. Was just doing some finance things, watching news and such. Didn’t have a good escape plan for an unexpected trigger.

    I guess for next time I should: immediately close laptop, get up, pray.
     
  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    At least it wasn't P.

    At least, you are analyzing and taking new decisions based on that.

    You will do better next time. I, personally, am cheering for you!
     
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  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hey my friend, I see you are struggling (if the counter is any indication). I don't know you, you don't know me, but still I'm allowed to root for you sincerely, right?

    You are the man, and you've got this! Keep on pushing. No delivery is easy.

    Mucho respecto for your efforts! They WILL yield fruit in the end. Be obnoxious and come at this like a zombie.
     
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  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks man. Yeah this week was a lot tougher than the week before. Also had quite a few moments of peaking but no MO. Did a day of fasting which helped me regain some focus. Feeling better and more strong now.
     
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  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Let's do it together. Let's go
     
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Good! Nothing stands between you and your success, brother. 100% on you - what a reassurance!

    Hope you don't mind: You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. (Hebrews 10:36)
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2021
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