Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 16

    Two days ago I had a close call. Was watching a movie and a girl was wearing a very tight shirt. Felt my eyes being drawn towards her boobs and realized she reminded me of one of my favorite P stars. Immediately turned off TV and went for a walk. That helped and I have been strong since.

    Have been having more withdrawal symptoms. Especially today I’ve been so incredibly irritated and agitated. At everything and everyone, but mostly myself. Got mad at myself for messing something up while making dinner. It’s hard to accept that I’m currently not my old self and that things don’t go perfect. I’m a perfectionist, especially when it comes to food. Luckily my girlfriend was here to talk some sense into me and to not beat myself up over it. She’s sweet, I love her.

    Hope you’re all having a better day than I am.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 18

    I’m having a hard time getting myself out of bed. I shouldn’t be on my phone while laying in bed but I just cba getting out of it to take a shower and start my day. I feel so incredibly lethargic. I’m craving sexual arousal and everything else seems pointless..

    Had to write this down to be able to look at myself from another perspective. I don’t want to be this guy.. I will force myself out of bed now and pray until I feel better.
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I have had issues with in the past too. Often at times when I didn't have a clear purpose. If you don't want to be 'this guy', perhaps it could be useful to make clear to yourself again what guy you do want to become.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I pulled myself together. Went for a shower, prayed and listened to some worship music. Went for a walk and came home. Feeling absolutely exhausted. Went for a nap and woke up still feeling like crap. I was soo tired of feeling like crap all the time that I broke my own rules and went on YouTube. I stumbled upon something and edged for a while to YT. Even opened up 2 porn websites but before I actually watched something I decided to close it down and go do something else. I told my GF about it and she got kinda mad and I feel like she’s disappointed in me. It feels pretty unfair to me. Blegh :(
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    No you're not. You just want to release that stress and feel better. Don't go for the easy way out.

    About your GF, just give her time. Let the dust settle.
  6. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Watch this video with your gf:

    If she becomes an additional stressor in your recovery (=sanctioning you with guilt and shame when you encounter obstacles), you are destined to fail.

    All the best!
    BoughtWithBlood and Gil79 like this.
  7. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    I wouldn't really be going out of your way to tell your girlfriend when you happen to slip up or whatever. That puts pressure and stress at her feet unnecessarily. If you need an accountability partner you should look elsewhere, bringing your woman into this will do nothing positive and will just strain the relationship IMO.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You're doing great @BoughtWithBlood. You really need time for this and at the moment what you feel, think and need is the most important. I agree with @Doper that oversharing can have a negative effect. Be kind to yourself, hold on, and before you know it the better days come back.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Thanks so much for the support guys. I appreciate it.

    Normally she is super supportive but the last 2 or 3 months she’s just having a hard time seeing me go in circles all the time. This leads to her having troubles keeping her emotions in check when I slip or relapse.

    I PMO’d twice last night. I couldn’t sleep and the whole night was just one big drama. The guy that lives above me had his television on loud until about 03.00 am. I felt so so bad afterwards.

    Day 1:
    I’ve decided that I need help, so I’m going for that route. I’m going to look for help in the church leadership ánd professional help. I’m quite scared to tell my doctor and such, but I have no other way. I’ve been a chronic relapser for too long. I can’t do this on my own.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think that the fact you tried really hard to avoid relapse, even at the point when you had opened up P browsers, shows that you are committed. It's quite impressive you did manage to avoid it initially once you got to P sites. I know that when I get to that point it's practically impossible to back out of it. I remember once, when I was on quite a long clean stretch, I had fought cravings for a few days, and then one day I couldn't take it anymore and I opened up the laptop I use for porn. After staring at it for a while, and opening it, I closed it back. And put it away. But the next day I relapsed. I think usually when we're that far into the "addiction spiral" it's very hard to reverse. I don't know if it's impossible, but it's rare. Part of recovery seems to learn how to not get to that point ! So we gotta keep learning :).

    I think that even if you had a reset, you got almost 3 weeks in and that's really good. I think you can build on this as long as you try again and adjust ! And you also have experience since you have had great streaks before.

    And yeah, sometimes we need to seek outside help. I think I certainly do !
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 2:
    Still feeling some sadness due to my relapse but otherwise I feel like I have a little more energy. I’ve made a time schedule to follow during the day and picking up meditation again. The reason I stopped that is because I had only 2 series of guided bible meditations that I already both did twice. Trying to meditate on my own is hard so I’m going to install a new app with some more meditations :).

    Today or tomorrow I will have the results of my blood tests, hope this will give some clarification of why I feel constantly weak, dizzy and tired. I plan on asking my doctor to give me referral letter for help with my porn addiction, but I’m seriously looking up against that part. Really need to get over my shame and fear and get some help.

    I also wrote a letter to my neighbour who lives above me, kindly asking him to not play the guitar after 22;00 on weekdays. Hope he takes it well :)
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Let us know how those tests will turn out
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 3:

    Having a hard time with flashbacks and intense waves of cravings. Went for a walk and that helped a bit. It’s coming back now. Posting here in the hope it helps. Also praying to take these thoughts captive.
  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Good to read you are going to find help. Some of the things we are dealing with are hard to do on your own, a proffesionals perspective could be really helpful. As for your girlfriend: it's really cool how supportive she is, but you do have to realize that this will effect her too. I agree with what @Doper and @Gil79 already mentioned. When I first started rebooting I really wanted to be honest towards myself and also towards my girlfriend, but I forgot that she is human too and could not always support me in the way I'd like.

    Keep up!
    Doper and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I told one of the leaders from church. He took it well and was proud of me of being honest about it and wanting to change. He is willing to help as well.

    This is great for my girlfriend as well since she can talk about it with his wife too. Maybe he can help keep me accountable so that burden will no longer be on my girlfriend.

    I did have a crazy crazy hard day in terms of cravings. They were there all day and I couldn’t get away from it. Nothing seemed to work for very long so in the evening I opened up a tab and searched some. Closed it and went to do something else. Opened again an hour later to search some, disn’t look ar videos and closed again. Same story 30 minutes later. Closed again. Then Again 15 minutes later, now I also watched a little and touched myself a bit. Closed again...

    Pff I feel so stuck. I can’t look at it because I really don’t want to and I feel bad about it, but I can not stop looking at it either because it just keeps on popping in my head over and over and over until I give in. I need to get some tools to get my mind off it. Especially when I feel sick and don’t have the energy to actually go out and do things.

    Did have a great conversation this afternoon with my coach though.

    Guess I’ll be resetting the counter (keeping a seperate calander where I mark days with how I messed up, to help me look at it from another perspective too).
    Living and Gil79 like this.
  16. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Don't give your relapses much weight.
    It'll hold you down.
    Gil79 and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  17. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Have you heard about urge surfing? It's this mindfullness technique that deals with situations like these in particular. Might be worthwhile to look into;)
    BoughtWithBlood and Gil79 like this.
  18. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    How is mindfulness achieved?
    I've been trying for months but it's just not doable
  19. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It depends on what you are doing ofcourse:) I think a common mistake is that we try to push away thoughts or in this case fantasies and urges. But that's actually the opposite of mindfulness. By trying to get rid of them you just give these thoughs the attention you don't want them to get and they will only linger longer. What you need to do is is learn to accept thoughts or fantasies to pop up and just let them be. You can't stop thoughts from popping up (nobody in the world can stop thinking), but by coming aware of them and simply acknowledging them , you will see that after a short while they will just disappear again. And that's what you want.

    But I think it's also about what you expect from mindfulness. When I first started meditating I believed that mindfulness was a state, but after a while I learned that it's rather based on moments. You are aware for a couple of seconds, after a while you drift off in thoughts and then you become aware of that and get back again. While it's a skill and those moments of awareness do get longer by practicing mindfulness, it's still likely that you will drift off half of the time. Perhaps even a lot more than that. The positive thing is that the more you drift off the more you can practice on becoming aware again. So perhaps you feel like you suck at meditation, but you are actually making good progress;)
    Shady and -Luke- like this.
  20. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Based on your explanation. We really need this throughout this particular journey.

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