Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    But it's not. All of these intense feelings add strain on your body and your body needs to escape that somehow.

    Have you ever tried Journaling? And I'm not referring to this journal.
    Over here you write a recap of your day/week.
    The Journaling I'm referring to is writing down your feeling and thoughts whenever they hit you. This means that you'll write at least 5 times a day.
    Also write down your impulses and your urges as well, not just towards PMO, but towards everything.

    The act of writing itself relieves stress, but it will also help you find a pattern in your feelings and actions and suddenly they won't be random anymore.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Relapse again last night..

    Depression is weighing heavy on my today.

    I’ll try the journaling @Shady
  3. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Hang on! It will pass, man. It’s hard to get rid of an addiction, it’s okay to not succeed right away. Rooting for you.
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  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yesterday was a tough day. Today is better luckily. Super tired and dizzy, but mentally I’m in a better place.

    Not giving up. Ever!

    Just realized I’m often overcome by a fear of failure. Always looking at the future. That I might fail in a couple of days, or weeks. It feels like an overwhelming responsibility and selfdoubt can then proceed a relapse.

    I just need to focus on today. Today is all that matters. If I can stay clean today, then I’ve done an amazing job. The counter doesn’t matter, tomorrow doesn’t matter, what might happen in the future doesn’t matter. Only today matters. Only today counts. If I enter each day with that mindset, I can attain the confidence and attitude needed to deal with every situation accordingly.
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2021
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  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood totally agree. You are right. We should all focus on right now, but we should still plan for tomorrow.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    No slips since monday.

    Yesterday was a great day. Lacked some sleep last night so a bit tired today.

    Some temptations today, but every time I tell myself: “It’s only one day, you can do this” and that immediately takes off the pressure. All I have to focus on is the battle at hand.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Cravings getting more intense now. Hard not to just give in. Will try to distract myself by changing what I’m doing.
    Rudolf Geyse and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It feels impossible sometimes that we have the power to change our habits, but we all can. When we feel that familiar "eyes glazing over" we still have agency over ourselves. In other words, we are choosing to cave.

    Here's to keeping your resolve!
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    You said it @Saville . I'm having similar urges but it's helpful to remind myself I'm still in the driver's seat. Nice post.
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  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Made it through the day. Thanks for the support guys. I prayed about it and as I spoke out to God the exact cravings and flashbacks I was having, they just lost their strength. Light drives out darkness :) Bedtime now!
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  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    A bit tired today but good. Have a bunch of chores to do as my house is a bit of a mess. Trying to not stress myself out by it. Do what I can and rest when I need to. Playing some christian music to lift my mood, be grateful and happy.
    Saville and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Triggered. Need to be cautious.

    Was on YouTube when I saw a video of some cool cars. Then in the video there was this woman with revealing clothes on, posing next to the car. A small voice in my mind told me “close it” but.. I didn’t. Even played that little scene in slowmo. This then lead me to checking a couple more ‘car’ videos. Then I opened up an incognito browser and searching for porn. Luckily the filter blocked a lot, but not everything. What came through, I was able to look away from and not lust after. I knew then, if I don’t close this now, I will regret it later. So I did close it immediately and came on here to post. Will leave the house and go to a friends place so I won’t get in that old ‘peaking and closing’ cycle that so often preludes a relapse.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Relapse as soon when I got home. Couldn’t get it out of my head.

    Edit: Pff I’m in a tough spot. I was so motivated. These first 5 days or so went really well. And then I just completely ignored the warning to click the video away and let myself get triggered to the point I know it’s already got a hold of me. I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. Writing about how amazing God is, yet in the meanwhile I’m jacking off to porn which I know completely opposes everything I stand for and believe in.

    I wish I could just start over you know. Grab all my stuff, leave the country. Go somewhere else and start afresh. The problem is, I’ll just bring all my issues with me..
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2021
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  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood I can so relate brother. We'll get there, let's go again.

    I was watching a show where the guy is left alone in charge of the base. On the first day he gets up early, makes coffee and a health smoothie, works out, reads Tolstoy. 2nd day, gets up a little later, drinks coffee from the pot, not as good a workout, reads Dr Seuss. 3rd day, sleeps in, watches trashy tv, eats pizza, sharing it with the dog.

    It reminded me of how awesome this gospel is. God doesn't receive us based on our performance. It's about acknowledging the perfect performance of the Son of God and agreeing that we can't get it right at all. Trusting less and less in ourselves and more and more in the work of Christ on our behalf. Like the guy in the show we can't get it right all the time, every time.

    This brings me great encouragement. For a long while I felt like I was taking ground but lately I've been a bit of a mess. There are lots of reasons for it, including the huge mental load from the pandemic on top of personal issues etc.

    If it was all up to me I'd be the most depressed person. I'm so glad God accepts me on the basis of what Christ has done, not on my performance.

    However! There must be some evidence of growth in holiness in our lives... if we ever accept that we can't overcome these issues, that is the day all is lost. The result of understanding what Christ has done is a hatred of sin in our own lives.

    He will ensure that we fully and finally overcome these issues. Let's pray that this will take place sooner rather than later.

    I'm resetting my counter. The last 11 days have been a bit better but I'm still giving too much place to thoughts, peeking, the occasional MO. New month, I want to draw a line in the sand.

    Hope the next day is better than the last for you my brother.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2021
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  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse really appreciate the post man. It means a lot!
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hang in there man. You got this. Small steps all add up!

    Thanks for stopping by and adding your support. The first couple of weeks are always the most challenging.

    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support PC it helps!

    Last week was a tough week. Peaked or PMO’d almost every single day. I basically gave up. Eventually I realized that giving up is even worse than trying and failing. Happy to have 2 days clean now, getting my shit back together.

    There was emotional turmoil I think had to do with feelings of abandonment. I was angry and sad that my ex left me when I needed her most. But not only that, also that she broke all forms of communication. I miss her and I just feel like drowning.

    That is however no excuse to stay in a place of selfpity. This is my issue to deal with. She made her choice. I have to respect that and let her go. I think we were both more interested in being loved ourselves than in loving the other. Which is why I think we weren’t fully ready for the relationship perhaps. Too many emotional needs on the both of us. Or maybe that is just what humans are and you just cope? I don’t know. The thing is, I’m alone now and have work to do.

    Let’s keep fighting!
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    I’m really sorry to hear about the ending of your relationship. Those can be real difficult periods in your life and really hard to navigate. Not to minimize what you are going through, but sometimes someone has to move aside so someone else can take their place. We don’t know what the future holds.

    You sound like you have a good handle on what went wrong and are processing it in a really healthy way. It doesn’t stop it hurting, but does help the healing.

    All the best. Keep going. You got this.

  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, she did, and it sounds like it was a healthy one. Cutting off all ties is essential for people to get past things on move on. Bad relationships are no different than porn that way.

    Yup and yup. And, luckily you have all you need right inside yourself to get and stay healthy.
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Four days without P is 5760 minutes. Keep it up. Just a few minutes more. Check back here any time you need strength. You got this.

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