Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood it's the most difficult thing to turn down an opportunity to binge and to act like this urge is not there.
    I understand that when you decide to do this, you can't get your mind to think about anything else.
    I try some techniques like maybe going to sleep, watching TV or going for a walk. Anything that doesn't require the use of that brain.
    Thin about why you're doing this and come up with a few points. Write them down or print them and place different copies all over the house. On your fridge, beside your TV, in your bathroom, on the walls of your bedroom oh and on the ceiling of your bedroom as well.
    You need to have an accountability partner as well.

    It's all about trial and error. And belief...

    And good luck.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Emotional turmoil due to break ups can be so hard. It's natural to reach for those things which we know will soothe us, at least for a time. But, the past is the past. Chaining ourselves to that past, even with one psychic tether, will leave us stuck in P-limbo. Time to cut the cords of the past and become your new and better future.

    You've got this!
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys! I appreciate all of you.

    I’ve noticed it has a lot to do with my thought patterns. I’m starting to notice I think and talk very negative about myself and life in general. Mostly myself though. Heard a sermon about how words have power and that hit home. When I constantly talk down to myself, I live out those words. I’m going to replace my words and thoughts. To gratefulness, I can instead of can’t, etc.

    Was listening to a song yesterday about putting on joy. It’s about a bibleverse that says the joy of the Lord is my strength. I didn’t do that enough, but I started today :)

    I hope you all have joy in your hearts in the middle of every storm in life.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’m doing good. Some temptations yesterday but they didn’t trigger the immediate automatic behavior. I felt in control again without it being a big struggle. Starting my days with reading my bible and praying, instead of checking the stockmarket and such. It makes a huge difference in mindset during the day.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Don’t exactly know why but I ended up looking at porn today. Weird cause I was doing well. Luckily I was able to see it for the weird messed up fake stuff it is. Closed it down. An hour later the same. Closed it down again. I don’t need this stuff in my life. Came on here to post to get out of the cycle.

    have a good evening guys!
    Babylonier likes this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Managed to stay away after. Had a terrible night though, in terms of sleep.

    Headache now. Will take a nap in the afternoon :)
    Babylonier and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is great, BWB. Using affirmations to break the cycle. I got in the habit of reading every morning for an hour and that really helped me.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Decided to get rid of my xbox. I’m spending too much time on it and it’s making me really passive in life.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today there was a moment where the thought: “I don’t want to live anymore. I’m done.” popped in my mind. That shocked me.

    I don’t want to slide down any further into this pit of depression and I surely don’t want to get back to suicidal thoughts. It’s time for change.
    Shady, Babylonier and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  10. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    We’re young, we’ve got so many great things to live. I’ve been there too, I know how it feels like. But each time we think things like that, we’re wrong. Saville said it somewhere: it’s all about changing the narrative of our lives. As we start living according to our values, our lives become meaningful, and we realize that we were depressed and thought about suicide because we weren’t living the way we wanted. It’s possible to do so: it takes time and commitment, but it’s definitely possible. So much has changed for me in the last 15 months, my life has changed drastically. Good things await you too, BWB. Keep it up, and leave your comfort zone! You’ll get there.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great words @Bilbo Swaggins you’re absolutely right. I felt suicidal not because I hate life. But because I love it and can’t seem to live it according to my dreams and values. Thank you for opening my eyes to that truth.

    You’re right about the comfort zone too. I will work on that, step by step :)

    I miss my ex today. Just to look her in the eyes. Hold her soft body and have silly jokes. I’m allowing myself to feel this, so I won’t feel the need to escape my emotions and numb them. It’s okay to feel this.

    I’m doing good otherwise. Had a really good conversation with my therapist yesterday. It’s like things are beginning to click. There’s knowing things and there’s KNOWING things. I’m starting to move into that second bit. I realize more and more that porn and lust aren’t things that feel good but should be avoided because they’re bad behind the curtains. They are actually void, empty and fake, stripped of intimacy, love and truth.

    My sexual energy and manliness isn’t something to be ashamed off and to be pushed down because it contradicts my religion. It’s a beautiful gift of God! It should not be suppressed or wasted by looking at porn and giving over to lust and masturbation. It’s a wonderful thing that drives me towards goals and living the life I love and being the person I was meant to be. To chase after a true and intimate loving relationship with a beautiful family as a result. Sex was created by God as a wonderful gift. It’s time I start to see the fulness of it’s beauty so I will stop choosing the counterfeit.

    I’m more focused on the good and less focused on the bad. More focused on the goal and less focused on what I should avoid.

    Great things are ahead. Even if I stumble or fall. Change is happening and it has been happening already.

    Have a wonderful day people!
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Great post!
    Saville and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Last couple of days I was pretty strong. Today was a lot harder.

    Got triggered by something which resulted in p-sub. Then some P and M. Realizing it’s trash, putting it away. Going back to it, putting it away. Going back to it until I finally put it away. Went for a nap, a shower and a walk. Feeling better now.

    Tired though. This chronic fatigue really is annoying. But I’m not going to lose hope.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I eventually MO’d last saturday. Not giving up. Immediately back on the horse fighting the good fight.

    Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him

    You who’s reading this. Have a wonderful PMO-free day!
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yesterday and today I was doing great! There were quite a few beautiful woman outside but I was able to instantly look away and stay focused on my goal.

    Just now though, in a teams meeting from work, a colleague which I used to have a crush on was standing in front of the camera and she just has a gorgeous body. I tried not to look.. but I did. Immediately I feel triggered to look up something arousing on the internet, so I came on here to post.

    I notice how writing this out is helping me. The temptation is losing power.

    Have a great day all!
    LettingGo and johnnylea like this.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Relapsed last night.. sigh.

    I really don’t understand how I can be so determined and strong in one moment and be looking up porn in the next. It makes no sense.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  17. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Sorry, man. As usual: get back on the horse, try to learn from it. You’ve improved so much since last year, in many ways. You’re going forward, BWB. Keep it up.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    sorry to hear that, however try not beat yourself up about it you’ve achieved a remarkable feat already by taking this journey and achieving the days you’ve stayed PMO free.

    This might not be great advise but however it’s worked for me and maybe it could do the same. If in doubt and the urge gets to much grab some junk food or a doughnut and have at it. Essentially we’re starving ourselves from what the body wants and that’s to orgasm. We have to try make it up to it some other way until the urges disappear. I know people want to get disciplined but if it means having a week of doughnuts and the like to get by I say go for it. Don’t judge yourself and you’ll be back into the balanced living again in no time.
  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood OK let's approach this with a different angle.
    We'll break it up into steps.
    First of all, try to observe how you feel right before you open up that private browsing. How do you feel few hours before it happens? How is your day going?

    Let's discuss this as soon as you figure out the answers.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    It can be any mood really. Bored, lonely, happy, confident, insecure. It seems random to me.

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