Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I actually laughed really hard when I saw ‘Bob’ when you first wrote the message haha.
    Rudolf Geyse and Deleted User like this.
  2. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    BWB, what I do is analyse my day or the bourse before the urge is the strongest. When i wake up and go to sleep i try to read. Every time it gets better. Also I keep myself motivated to imagine the price at the finish. Try to enjoy the proces. Imagine how life would be without PMO and FMO. I am trying this and it helps me allot. But it also gifs me some kind of panic because I am not there yet! Everyday when i think about PMO of FMO I try to switch to do something Els. What could I do what I enjoy to do. Als the question that I ask my self is is it going to help me in the long term. If it’s no than I don’t!
    I asked my self lately what did I enjoy before is descoverd P and M? Try it. Write about it! Make it a proces.
    Hope you are doing wel!
    Be strong and god bless!
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood Wow guy I can see you you are really up against it.

    Well done on coming here to keep posting! That's bold.

    I'm only a couple of weeks into this streak so it's hard to give advice (as we've said before). But my advice is don't give up brother. You are right in the struggle and if you can get through this one it could be the breakthrough you've been waiting for for ages. Being at war with sin proves you are on the process of sanctification. When we give up we've lost. And remember it's His strength and victory when we are all out of strength. Christianity is about trusting less and less in ourselves and more and more in Jesus Christ.

    The best thing I can suggest practically is keep reading, researching and trying new techniques to win. Read through Bible sections and take notes. I found Mark Queppet's stuff quite helpful - even though I don't agree with everything he says!

    Hope you can pick up and build a great streak man. One day at a time! Sometimes one hour at a time!

    BoughtWithBlood and Babylonier like this.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Well af least I managed to go 2 days. Day 3 now.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Ever since I had my Pfizer vaccine I feel a bit better. It seems it has lessened my longcovid symptoms. I do however still feel tired and weak, but that’s not crazy after hardly doing anything for over a year.

    I used to work out 4 x a week and I’m missing it. I just felt too weak to go for it since I would get hit by terrible fatigue if I only did a little too much. Now that the worst longcovid symptoms seem to be fading, I’ll try getting back into working out and I’ll accompany it with some intermittent fasting and a more keto-like diet.

    Really curious if this will help me get back in shape, feel healthy again and reduce porn cravings. It’s worth the try :)
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Not really focussed on abstaining atm. Just focused on the good. Getting out more. Intermittent fasting, healthy eating, exercise, gardening, social activities.

    So eventhough my P use and lust is still problematic. I’m not letting it keep me from becoming who I want to be.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Had a conversation with my therapist. She said this is probably what will help me get rid of the addiction. Simply because I’m allowing to become myself more and not letting my selfworth be determined by wether I look at porn or not.

    Lately I’ve been working on improving my selfworth. My therapist told me to take off the ‘hat’ of the porn addict since it’s not working. Instead I’m putting on the ‘hat’ of friend, son, brother, etc. I’m more open, more social. Being there for others and doing stuff for others really helps me think more positive about myself. My feeling of being wanted and appreciated are improving.

    By caring less wether I PMO or not, and focusing more on living and enjoying life, it should ironically help me reduce the need for it. To me this always felt like ‘giving up’. But I’m just so tired of fighting, I can’t any longer after all these years. Maybe I’m not giving up, but I’m actually finally letting go of the addiction and starting to truly embrace and become myself. Time will tell :)
    Babylonier and Deleted User like this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Sounds pretty positive! Hope this goes well for you guy
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This! I love this!

    Being there for others, giving of ourselves, is so critical. It's why it's so important to be active on the forum. As the saying goes: when we give, we receive.

    The addiction loses its power when we don't pay attention to it.

    What a positive post, my friend. :)
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Eventhough the positive attitude of my previous post is helping me be less introvert and in a way helping me become a better person. It’s not in any way helping me deal with porn cravings. By not caring wether I look or not, I might be less affected by the porn in my social life. But I do watch porn more often. I tried to ignore how it made me feel, but I could not run from that overwhelming feeling of guilt. My conscience knows it’s wrong and I hate feeling stained.

    I’ve been putting my focus on God and the bible again. And this alone, really helps. I try to live close to God 24/7 and this alone helps me get rid of the cravings. Only when I stay in the presence of God, cravings melt away. Also, the guilt is gone. I feel safe. Not condemned. Clean. Only Jesus can do that.

    I’m merging this with my new attitude of helping others, which is really biblical :) It feels good to help others. The other is happy and we get to build our selfimage in a positive way.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Doing good.

    Was watching ‘the chosen’ today. It’s a series about the life of Jesus and it’s just so great! I think unbelievers could enjoy it just as much as believers. it reveals so much about God’s love, kindness and mercy. And gives you more of a viewpoint of what culture was like when he walked the earth. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it. Wether you call yourself a christian an agnostic an atheist or maybe you’re in another religion. It’s truly worth watching and it’s completely free. Just google it.

    No F,P,M or O since last. The temptations come up but are easily overcome.

    Chilling out tonight, taking a bath. Really relaxed since my body was aching all over. Talk to you guys later. Take care and be blessed :)
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Had an intake this morning for a therapy group. They think I have an avoidant personality disorder.

    PMO’d last night, starting to recognize a pattern. Almost every time I have an important conversation/job interview/ meeting/ etc., I PMO the night before. Probably has to do with stress. Feeling I have to perform, be ready, will be judged, meeting new people. Something like that. It’s weird because I’m super focused on NOT looking because I feel it will interfere with the conversation I will be having, yet, I watch P anyways. Resulting in bad and restless sleep and being tired the next morning. Don’t understand why I sabotage myself like that. Probably has to do with the stress.

    Luckily the meeting went well. They were really kind and I felt at ease.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    That's good... First step is identifying the pattern...
    BoughtWithBlood and Deleted User like this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I really hate labels. Why should a struggling human be reduced to a label? Every kid has ADHD now. Every young adult has anxiety, or OCD, or depression and many are also on medication. We avoid situations because we lack the skills to not do so. The self-fulfilling prophecy shouldn't be "I have such and such disorder," but "I'm a person who needs to develop new skills." The first statement is negative, while the second one is positive. Unfortunately, we get labeled early on in life. @Babylonier 's therapist couldn't wait to tell him that he was a narcissist and could never change. Well, this anonymous person on the internet is here to tell you that that is all bullshit! I've seen change. I've been change.

    You sabotage yourself because there is a payoff. So long as you keep your habit of fapping in order to deal with stress, you don't have to really look at yourself. I fapped, ate too much, drank booze, because it meant nothing would be expected of me. If nothing was expected of me then I didn't have to be perfect, I couldn't ever really fail.

    One thing I learned from reading a book on cognitive therapy was that the way we say something is very important. For instance, if we say "I'm useless with direction," then we will be, because we just told ourselves that. On the other hand, if we say "I struggle with directions, but I know with patience and some help I can be better," then we have given ourselves a great chance of overcoming the negative mind-set.

    Of course the meeting went well. You are a sensitive, thoughtful, person. But I challenge your use of the word "luckily." This takes away your power. You were at the meeting because you are a capable candidate for the job. THEY were lucky to have you at the meeting. :)
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood yes it's stress for sure and PMO helps a lot with it.
    Try to find something else that could help yu release the stress.

    Sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but having been there, I'm telling you it's good to know what you have so you know how to deal with it.

    Glad to hear the meeting went well.

    Best of luck.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    @Saville thanks for the reply. I’m not against the labeling since I believe we can learn how to either overcome them, or work around them. They didn’t say it as blunt as I made it look like. It really is about learning how to think differently and getting the tools to come up for myself and be the man I can be.

    @Shady thanks for the comment brother. It’s good to hear from you.

    I’m happy and sad at the same time today. I feel good, I just miss my ex to share this with. She broke all contact and I miss my buddy. Breakups hurt.
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Breakups are terrible. Rooting for you, man. It will pass, though, and before you know it, you’ll be back on track, somehow wiser and in peace with it. Keep it up, BWB!
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    But, what if the labels are wrong? I think it comes down to lacking skills. I can say I have an avoidant personality when it comes to carpentry, because I don't know which end of a hammer to use. Yet, if someone comes along and says "hey, Saville, use this end, then I have the beginning of something."

    This is just how I view things now. I had an avoidant personality when it came to establishing myself as a man to my wife. When I learned new skills I no longer avoided the tough conversations, nor was I thrown by her attitude towards me.

    I've worn the label of cheater, liar, lousy bread winner and all they ever did was power me down. I did try to overcome these labels, but I couldn't, because I had already told myself what I was. The paradigm shifted when I looked at myself as a human, someone who had some learning to do.

    Of course, as I say, this is just my view. We must all move forward in our own way.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Last night I had more than a PMO session. I had an oldschool binge where I was edging to P for hours, staying awake until the middle of the night until I finally got my self to O so I could go to sleep.

    Demonic dreams afterwards filled with lust and dark stuff. My thoughtlife is a mess.

    I’m trying to find a way to start a new streak. But somehow it isn’t working. It’s crazy how I had 2 great streaks at the start of this year, even managed 5 weeks. But now I can’t seem to get even a week down. Ever since the breakup I’m a mess in regards to porn. My mind is filled with lies ‘I can’t do this, I’ve already tried a thousand times, I fall every time so I’ll probably fall again, it’s all futile’ etc. it’s frustrating.

    I think I need to reread my journal and analyze my state of mind when I was doing well. Anyone got tips how to get motivated again to get out of this cycle of constantly relapsing?
    Shady, Babylonier and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Strength man. It's tough and of course I can relate. I think the same things that work at one day work at one week: Blockers, talking to yourself, talking to God, keeping on repeating to yourself why it's not worth it, keeping on repeating to yourself how you are able and empowered to overcome it, intentionally saying no, changing your environment, researching what worked for others, journalling, having a game plan for when the urges hit, exercise... I will pray that you can get out of this rut. (And that I can get over my own hurdle of about 30 days!)

    Go through some of these again and see if there's anything helpful: (Again, I don't believe everything Queppet says but I have found some of his tips helpful for getting out of that rut.)

Share This Page