Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for asking @Rudolf Geyse !

    I’ve been okay. Had quite a few slips actually. I did manage not to O. I know a lot say edging is worse than O, but I usually do it both anyways. And I find that by not allowing myself to O, porn becomes boring and I’m not strengthening the relapse cycle so much. The peeks are getting shorter and the appetite for porn seems to be lessening, so that’s good.

    I placed a bible in the middle of my room. It helps me read more and when I read, I have less cravings.

    Also started some gardening. Starting an own herb garden and have a plan of making my own organic cbd-oil. It can be helpful for stress, anxiety, chronic fatigue and muscle tension, so I’m really curious about it. I really enjoy the spring and seeing all sorts of plant sprout from seed :)

    Have a great day!
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Well, the not O’ing didn’t really work out.. it just kept me in an aroused state. Relapsed just now.

    I think the no arousal method probably is the way to go for me.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Ever since my gf broke up with me, I’ve been falling deeper and deeper down the pit of porn and masturbation. There were weeks where I was back to 4 times a week. It hasn’t been this bad in a long while and I’m absolutely sick of it.

    I finally managed to get some filters back up, because the no-filter method really doesn’t work for me. I can have a browser with porn open before I even realize it. An impulse and then I have to try and struggle my way out of it, which rarely works, or leaves me triggered for the rest of the day. I made a list of random passwords when setting it all up, so I can’t remember them. I can still reset the passwords but at least that gives me time to think, “do I really want this?”. Those couple of minutes it takes to get around the filters really help out and give me the breathing room I need to find something else to do.

    I’ve been sober since saturday. I feel like crap. Had some bad anxiety yesterday. Having trouble sleeping, much tension in my body to the point where I wake up spasming in the middle of the night. Constantly tired. Had an asthma attack yesterday as well. All of my health and mental issues are just amplified when I try to quit.

    I so desperately want to free. I’m going to give it my all!
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    After reading the passages of ‘the porn myth’ @NewStart19 posted in his journal, I’m incredibly determined to never ever fap, look at porn, objectify women or have lustful fantasies again.

    Porn goes against all that I value in life.
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Hey man, I feel you.
    Listen, you need to replace that connection you had with your GF with something else.
    Go out. See your friends. That's the closest thing.
    Scientifically speaking, it another thing that causes the rush of serotonin and dopamine. Maybe not as much as romantic relationships do, but still. That's the closest you could get right now.
    Your supply of serotonin and dopamine stopped suddenly. That's why you don't feel good. So do something about it.

    Stay strong.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks Shady, yes I’m actually seeing my friends more which is great!

    I’m suffering from insomnia again. So annoying. Hope it passes soon.
    Babylonier likes this.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Pff I feel terrible. I have tinnitus like problems in my left ear since a couple of months and it’s causing a lot of fear, I just want rest and peace but it’s constantly there. Today I’m constantly close to a panic attack and I can’t focus on work.

    It’s probably because I’ve hardly slept this last week. It always amplifies my fears and worries.

    The positive I’m taking from this is, that I try to focus on all that I’m experiencing, and then take that as a motivation to stop making myself sick by looking at porn.
    Babylonier likes this.
  8. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Hi BWB,

    you are doing great! The last two years I was suffering of tinnitus aswell, extreme anxiousness and allot of fear of nothing. Yeah i have had some secrets! And I think that was one of the things that made it all worse. So I told everything to the people i love and i promised myself and my loved ones to work on it! But for you my friend. For the tinnitus and the anxiety and the sleeping problems I had for years I went to a acupuncturist! He’d helped me allot! I went from sleeping from 3 to 4 hours to 6. And when I told everything I am sleeping now 7 and some days 8 hours again. So there is an sollution for this. Also the anxiety was less. The tinnitus is gone. So maybe you can find a acupuncturist in you’re town and try it at least 5 times. Ones a week. I went 10 times and I am taking Chinese herbs it’s called Six Form (lei wei do huang) google it and you’ll find out! And it helps to get rid of the flat line i think.
    Be strong my brother! God bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great to hear that helped you. I’m not really sure about acupuncture myself, since I feel like the idea behind it is going against my believes as a christian. I’d have to do more research.

    Last night I finally slept through the night. Woke up only twice but fell asleep within 10 minutes upon waking up. It feels so good to finally feel a bit rested, really needed this. I think the late night walk in nature helped me. Eventhough I woke up with morning wood, I’m happy I didn’t have sexual dreams. These usually prelude a day of cravings.

    I still feel some withdrawal symptoms. my muscles, stomach, bowels and head aren’t feeling great. My mood however feels much better, a lot less anxious.

    Have a great day everyone!
    Babylonier likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yesterday was a bit tougher in terms of cravings. Got through it though! At one point I clicked a youtube music video with some half naked girl in it. Yet somehow I didn’t look at her body and I only thought about how weird it is that she was so willingly to being objectified. It kind of struck me how weird our culture has become and how we’re acting like lust is the best version of sex, while it’s actually reducing how great sex is to something so low. It’s like you have this healthy food full of good nutrient and then you take all the vitamins and minerals out of it, add flavor enhancers to it and then choose that over the real thing. I clicked the video away and went on with my day :)
    Rudolf Geyse and Babylonier like this.
  11. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Yes that is absolutely treu! Nice post and reaction! You’re strong bro! So nice to see some succes story’s! I hope Incan share some succes about a year or so!

    Be strong and god bless brother!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Intense porn dreams last night. A sign I have to be vigilant today. These dreams usually proceed cravings and a weakened determination.

    Stay strong everyone!
    Babylonier likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Exactly as I thought, waves of cravings today. Trying to catch me off-guard. Still fighting through. I’d rather leave the house but I’m working at home which complicates things.
    Babylonier likes this.
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Stay strong brother man! This may be make or break, if you can get through this it might be the turning point you've been waiting for. Worth it to abstain. Go back and read the good advice you've given me.
    BoughtWithBlood and Babylonier like this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Pff I was hit by this huge wave of temptation. Almost opened a new private tab, walked away from the computer instead. Then got hit by all sorts of porn flashbacks. Was about to cave but somehow I managed to open YBR on my phone

    Thanks for the support Rudolf! I needed that!
    Rudolf Geyse and Babylonier like this.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I eventually caved and relapsed today guys :( I feel like I let you guys and myself down.

    The insomnia is making it super difficult to stay focused and strong. I hope I’ll sleep better tonight.
    I’ll have to dust off and get back on the horse.
    Babylonier and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Ah sorry to hear it. Yeah man back on the horse, that's what it's about.

    Any ideas what's causing the insomnia?
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  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Abstaining always give me insomnia. It’s part of rebooting for me. Really annoying though.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Man that's hard. I pray that trend will be broken soon. Maybe worth researching/giving some thought to how to manage/ease the insomnia in a helpful way cos it's so closely linked to your fight against relapse. But in any case, strength to you bwb

    Edit: auto-correct changed bwb to bob, so have manual-corrected
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2021
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like I have no control, no matter what I try. It’s just waiting for my willpower to deplete and I’m relapsing again.

    I’ll prepare for a fast. Maybe that will help.
    Rudolf Geyse and Babylonier like this.

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