Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Yet_not_I

    Yet_not_I New Member

    You bet, I'm trying to save you a lot of hassle, time and heartache and keep you from doing the same things (silly to me now) I was doing that lead me nowhere.. Most of us like myself just don't or didn't know any better. We're "looking for a way to stop". This is where we have to let go of our schemes and devices and what we're holding on to thinking it's going to bring us victory... Mustard seed Faith is all God is looking for.. He will work with even a spark of Faith because he is full of mercy and grace as we both know. I wasted so much time trying to do it my own way. God will not honor my way (mans way).. Because it is of his (mans) own design. Gods ways are not worldly ways.. When we learn to trust in Christ and the Cross and forget everything else we were trying to cook up to be free, God will come to our aid and HE WILL free us (immediately) so long as our Faith is properly placed (Christ and the Cross). HE WILL NOT FAIL US. We might fail as we learn to trust but he will not fail. He want's to free us from this addiction but if it's not his way (Christ and the Cross) then we're on our own and we can't go very long before falling to sin. It takes an act of Faith to let go of what we were trusting and trust in what God has provided as the only means of victory (because there is no other way). God only has one way of victory, not many, just one, Christ and the Cross. I had to learn this too. It's like riding a bike, the training wheels have to come off and we're gonna stumble and fall at first but once we trust that we're not going to fall, off we go.. Might not be the best analogy but it's close. Last summer I had "my things" in place, all my passwords were set, I thought I was good until one night I woke up in the middle of the night and like I was being controlled I went in search of the passwords knowing it was wrong and guess what, I found them.. Disaster.. Things like this will happen over and over just in different ways.. Then we think we just need to build a better "fortress" (The Fortress really is faith in Christ and the Cross). So my point is this, even though we may be limiting access to certain things thinking it's going to work sooner or later the desire within us (sin nature) still remains (root of the problem). So we may be limiting access but not desire. The desire to sin (sin nature) is in us all (right at birth) and there is only One who can suppress this nature within us.. It's is the Holy Spirit. How does he work for us on our behalf? We place our Faith in Christ and the Cross exclusively which gives him the legal right (it is most definitely a legal thing) to do for us what we cannot do in our own strength, regardless of how strong we think we are. And He does it immediately, the moment are faith is in Christ and the Cross the Holy Spirit goes to work. It's not like he's saying, yeah yeah, I see your faith, I'll get to you in a month or two.. no, it happens right away, like the light turning from red to green. It took me a little while to grasp this as well. To your response of "praying and asking God for help only to fall to sin later", (the "help" you're looking for is found in Christ and the Cross) I too was doing this thinking God will help me eventually but what I've learned is that we can pray all we want and we should definitely pray but for that particular request, God will just throw it back at us because he has already provided the necessary way out, he is just waiting for us to put our Faith in it (Christ and the Cross, I cannot say it enough) [I CORINTHIANS 10:13]..We cannot pray our sinful desires away. It doesn't work that way. ..But again, the other condition is that it is an exclusive trust. As far as you "holding victory longer" and software filters being biblical as a means to sanctify us (which I don't agree with as desire is the root problem not access; aka, "I'll get it one way or another") it is to no avail, the grip of sin still has a hold on you. This means that Satan still has you in captivity.. You are under Law (opposite of Grace) if your trust is not solely in Christ and the Cross for victory over sin (how we live for God). EXCLUSIVE FAITH in Christ and the Cross will set you (the captive) free instantly.. (because it is a finished work). Anything else is Law (bondage), means that you will be left to your own willpower (God will not help you in this circumstance, i.e; trusting in software filters and therapy and whatever else. He wants our full faith in Christ and the Cross as I had to learn.) to try and get victory (impossible) which results in a struggle and a fight within, with eventual failure as continual desire breeds compromise with a complete failure as it's end result happening within a span of weeks or less likely months (however long we can "whiteknuckle" and whenever our willpower is drained) .. Maybe even just a few days.. Having to confess, and repent over and over as a result. I DID THIS FOR YEARS WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SUCCESS. It's not cumulative at all like we think it is. Like being stuck in a rotary, around and around you will go, struggling and fighting to get a victory that you have no power to obtain. That is bondage... As far as confession, I confess my sins to God unless I have wronged someone.. In the past though I have told others about sins I was committing so I understand you there. "Walking in the light" and "bringing it into the open".. I no longer believe that's necessary for me to be free anymore.. That was part of my "old ways". In other words I was doing that in the past and it made no difference, I was still falling to sin just the same regardless as to whom or how many sins I was confessing to others, it didn't matter. There is preaching out there about your view on the passage (I am assuming JAMES 5:16) but I have come to believe it means that we are to confess to others when we have wronged them.. (sinned against them; treated them poorly with wrath or strife or anger, lied to them, purposely mislead them, ect..)

    JAMES 5:16

    Confess your faults one to another (refers to being quick to admit fault, if such be the case)

    You asked a good question too, it's one I was asking for a while too ("In a more practical way though, how do you make sure you keep that connection with God and make sure your focus is on the finished work of Christ?" ). I'm no expert but here's what it says in Jimmy Swaggarts book, The Yoke of Bondage

    "The Power of the Holy Spirit, which enables us to live a godly life, and which is the only way that such can be done, is provided to the believer on the basis of the finished work at Calvary and our constant, everyday faith in that work. We are to understand that what Jesus did is not only to be looked at historically, but its effectiveness is to be brought into our everyday living. This means that we understand that it's the Cross that provides all of this. There must be a conscious, deliberate, settled, confidence and faith that the work by Christ is done and we are to depend on it now for our victory, which opens the door for the Holy Spirit to function as He desires. Then, sin, demons and devils are of no consequence, for what can Satan do against the Holy Spirit? Nothing!
    That which we have attempted to explain is the avenue of proper faith (Romans 4:3; I Cor. 1:17-18,21; 2:2). Our faith is to center upon the Cross because that's where the price was paid -- sacrifice was made, the sin debt was settled and the grip of sin was broken.
    As I have said previously, much of the faith taught in the last few decades has not been faith in the Cross, but rather faith in ourselves or faith in our faith. It sounds right, but in the manner in which it is mostly done, it is not right.
    Faith in the Word is what we're supposed to have, but, as well, we are to understand that the Word God is in totality centered upon the Cross." -- The Yoke of Bondage

    Don't get me wrong, I like my local Pastor, but he didn't provide me with the message that set me free.. Most of the churches tell us "what" to do, but they don't tell us "HOW" to do it.. "We need to live for God", "We need to act like Christians", "We need to do right", "We need to flee from sin"..etc.. This is all great and true but none of this can be done in our own strength because it takes the Holy Spirit within us to carry it out which he will only do within us if our faith is solely in Christ and the Cross... Anything else is of the world, which God cannot and will not honor.

    SBN Live, explains the "Message of the Cross" which is how we are sanctified, on many of their programs. They explain over and over how the Holy Spirit works which many preaches don't even understand.. It is the focal point of their ministry, if you will give it a watch

    So in the quotes from the book above "and we are to depend on it now for our victory", "now" I am assuming means right now, whenever we can, however much we can, all day, everyday. I don't think it means like "Cross Cross Cross I need to think of the Cross all day and nothing else", no I don't think that's what they are getting at. I think as it was told by Donnie Swaggart, it is a constant awareness of what Christ has done for us and just a constant rest and trust in His finished work all through out the day that's all. It's not like we need to go and stare at the cross and dwell on it day and night or something like that. Every once in a while, I'll stop, pause and just take a deep breath and let it out and focus on the Cross of Christ and just kinda re affirm my trust in Him and that Finished Work.. "Jesus, you are my hope".. That is one way to stay connected to Him, beside praying to the father as well as being still before him as we sacrifice our time to Him. Those are all good ways we can stay connected. It is a trust like the one where you're blind folded and trusting that the person is going to catch you when you fall back... I'm trusting that Christ and what he did for me is enough to overcome my temptations whether I'm being tempted in the moment or not.. It is a constant trust and awareness of His victory. God knows what's in our hearts, he knows where our Faith is and what it's in. From what I've learned, when God sees our Faith in his Son, he then enables the Holy Spirit to act on our behalf which gives us the victory. I can attest to this. I believe now that this is how God fights our battles, through our faith in the Finished Work of Christ.

    I can tell that God is holding back the flood waters for me so to speak, I can tell the Holy Spirit is working on my behalf because I'm getting the victory through no effort of my own. The compelling urge to seek out my sinful pleasures is "quieted". The Holy Spirit is giving me the strength to say "no" on a constant basis when I couldn't last year and years before. And honestly, it's not even a hard no. I can now follow through with the "no" that I had been wanting to follow through with for many years.. That's how I know God is giving me the victory, I'm not struggling to make it through the day. I take one day at a time, I stopped counting to be honest. My will is definitely involved but I'm able to line up my will (choose) with Gods will and "depart from evil". From my experience it is the Holy Spirit that enables us to do what God wants us to do. I could NEVER NEVER EVER do that in my own strength or with some other worldly method.. Not now, not before. GLORY TO GOD. This is someone who was addicted for 20 years and never saw a way out.. hopeless.. I know God is fighting for me so long as I am trusting solely in Jesus Christ and what he has done for me on the Cross. I trust it deep down near my lower gut somewhere, not just in my head.. When I'm tempted, I press in to what Christ has done for me knowing that Satan is a defeated foe. I turn my focus to Christ and what he did for me and I speak it out, "Thank you Jesus for giving me the victory through your victory on the Cross, thank you that I have victory through you and not of my own strength, you are my strength, you are my victory. Satan has no power over me due to what you have accomplished on the Cross". I speak it, I trust it then I walk it out and in that way I can tell that God is giving me the victory because I am dependent only in Christ and the Cross. And that's what he wants, our faith to be in Christ and the Cross and not in other things. To trust other things is committing Spiritual adultery as Jimmy Swaggart would put it. When we trust other things we are like Cain who tried to offer a better sacrifice and come up with what he thought was a better way [GENESIS 4:1-7], but God would not honor it.. He will only honor our faith in the Perfect Sacrifice that he has provided us for our victory. When that condition is met, he WILL hold back the flood waters (urges, sinful desire, demon spirits...) on our behalf through his Spirit that is in us. In other words, we won't have urges to peak at things we know are wrong. I see that in your journal, peaking and then shutting the browser down and then peaking again and struggling with compromise.. That all goes away, in fact that is what enables us to walk in victory, those urges are taken care of when our Faith is in Christ and the Cross. THIS IS THE VICTORY GIVEN TO US. This is where I CORINTHIANS 10:13 comes in.. But we are to have faith in it and we have to ditch our pride so that we can receive it..

    This is why I say this is all by design because I believe God doesn't want us thinking that we were freed from something that we couldn't overcome by software filters and just about anything else because it robs him of the glory that belongs to him.. We would say "Ahhh!! I was able to be freed from my addiction because of software filters!! (Just as an example). I'm sure we wouldn't be screaming that out loud but in our hearts, that's what we would be saying to ourselves (pride) and maybe others too. God doesn't want that to be the case, he wants us to humble ourselves and trust in the Perfect Sacrifice of His Son so that we can't brag and boast in anything else for our victory. The Christian testimony is this: "Jesus Christ has set me free!!! In our hearts we would know it was Christ and our response would be of thanksgiving and to glorify him. This is what I believe God desires. Like the "Childlike Faith" that Jesus was describing in the book of Matthew. Children are completely dependent on their father and so it is with us, dependent on the father that he will provide a way out for us in the day of temptation (Christ and the Cross) [I CORINTHIANS 10:13]. When I say Christ and the Cross, I'm speaking of Christ and what he did at Calvary, his victory [COL 2:14-15]. In this way, all the glory and honor belongs to God because it was his Provision, His design, His plan that freed us and not something else.. Again this is by design, it is to draw us (and other people) to Christ knowing that the victory over sin resides in him. Much like God didn't want the Israelites thinking in ancient times that they were responsible for their victory, examples like the Wall of Jericho and Gideons' army where he told Gideon to send most of the army home due to the fact that if the army was too big they'd claim that as their reason for victory instead of the power of God Himself and the glory that belongs to him [JUDGES 7:1-8]. So much like then, it's the same for us. God doesn't want us trusting in something else thinking that there's victory in it... This alone leads me to believe 100% that we will not find any lasting victory if we go down the road of self.. I went down that road in the past sadly, it brought no lasting victory whatsoever. Now I know why... Same thing with 12 step groups and so on, etc., no victory there whatsoever. Now I know why... My Faith and trust was in something other than Christ and the Cross for my victory... God will not hold back the flood waters under that condition and before long I would be falling over and over again.. God wants us to Trust in His Son for victory, (because that is where the victory was won) to know that He alone is responsible for that victory and then give all the glory and all the praise to him as he does it and as He deserves. I believe that is the nature of God..

    It's like the Lord says, when the wind blew and the storm came, the house was knocked down because it was not built on a firm foundation. When we trust in other things to give us victory, we are like the ones mentioned that are not building on that firm foundation. When adversity and temptations come, the house blows over. The "Rock" and the "Foundation" is Christ and the Cross with our Faith being in it. [MATTHEW 7:24-27]

    Also, when we trust in something else other than Christ, we are giving Satan the legal right to hold us captive to sin and slavery to sin (explains the overriding of our will in times of temptation). This is what leads us into bondage. Let me write from the Expositors Bible from Colossians 2:14-15.

    COLOSSIANS 2:14-15

    14) Blotting out the handwriting of Ordinances that was against us (pertains to the Law of Moses, which was God's Standard of Righteousness that man could not reach), which was contrary to us (Law is against us, simply because we are unable to keep it's precepts, no matter how hard we try), and took it out of the way (refers to the penalty of the Law being removed), nailing it to His Cross (the Law with its decrees was abolished in Christ's Death, as if crucified with Him);
    15) And having spoiled principalities and powers (Satan and all of his henchmen were defeated at the Cross by Christ Atoning for all sin; sin was the legal right Satan had to hold man in captivity; with all sin atoned, he has no more legal right to hold anyone in bondage), He (Christ) made a show of them openly (what Jesus did at the Cross was in the face of the whole universe), triumphing over them in it. (The triumph is complete and it was all done for us, meaning we can walk in power and perpetual Victory due to the Cross.)

    What this is saying is that when we place our Faith in Christ and what he did at the Cross Satan loses his legal right to hold us captive because Jesus was sinless and fulfilled the Law on our behalf. He took the Law with Him and nailed it to the Cross, that means the Law is fulfilled, something we could not do. His sinlessness then becomes our sinlessness which means we are now justified as being sinless so in that way Satan has no legal right to hold us captive anymore.. BUT, if we don't put our Faith in that finished work then we forfeit that grace and it then gives Satan his legal right to take captive.. We have the Holy Spirit, it was given to us the moment we were born again, but He will not function outside of Christ and the Cross..

    As a Brother in the Lord, I'm going to say it this way.. You will not overcome this addiction without the help of the Holy Spirit. I can see it, like night and day now the difference between my way and God's way. Honestly, at times I feel as though all I have is mustard seed like Faith, but with God and thank God for it, that is enough... All it takes is simple Faith in Christ and the Cross. It is simple but it's not because of pride. Pride says I can do it, my way, my way. That's part of what makes Faith a tough fight, our own pride.. I know I wrote a lot here but I'd like for you to get this. I know the agony of trying and failing, trying and failing.. Right now, I'm not trying at all, God is fighting my battle for me as I trust in His Son and what he did for me at Calvary. God sees me doing it and he then honors it. Just like Abraham, the Bible says Abraham believed God and God accounted it to him as righteousness. This means that God saw the moment Abraham trusted Him and believed him and God acted on it immediately with imputed righteousness. That's all it takes. He wants to see that our Faith is in what He has provided, it then gives him the green light to fight our battle. As long as we're trusting in something else He will not help us as much as He loves us, He will not honor our trust in other things for victory over sin. This explains why even Christians are struggling with impurity and a host of other habitual sins.. The Holy Spirit does not just automatically start rejecting all sin in our lives when we are saved, we know this because Christians are struggling with sin all over the world.. He will only function when our faith is exclusively in what Christ has done for us.

    I am praying for you friend, I know the struggle... Mine ended shortly after doing what I have explained. Not right away, I did stumble at first. I had not trusted Christ in this way before so it was new to me but I have not fallen to PMO or MO since last September 17th and P since last October 7th. So it is coming up on nearly six months of perpetual victory, not that I am trying to pat myself on the back because God is the one doing the work and I would love to see you get there as well. The Holy Spirit stands ready to fight for you the moment you place your Faith solely in what Christ has done for you.. This is the object of our Faith, "Christ and the Cross."

    My friend, my advice to you is this: remove everything and stop whatever else you're trusting in like I mentioned and step out in Faith. When you're tempted follow the example I gave you above. Speak it, trust it and walk it out. God will see you doing this and he will honor it. Immediately he (His Spirit that is in you, if you are truly born again) will at once fight your battle and you will see him do it before your eyes. Eventually, you learn to do this all though out the day, just have an awareness and trust what Christ did for you. God sees this as well.. This keeps those urges suppressed as you are constantly looking to Christ and the Cross for victory [ROMANS 1:17] [GALATIANS 3:11] [HEBREWS 10:38]. This is the road that leads to sanctification and purity...

    The Bible does not teach sinless perfection, for there is only One who is Perfect but it does teach that we are not to let sin have dominion over us.. "
    - Jimmy Swaggart

    Just a couple other things that were necessary for me as well:

    1) I had to say goodby to my girlfriend a few years back. It wasn't easy for me but I knew she was going to keep me from running the race. I knew she would hinder me with a want for sex. Her plea was "I won't bother you for sex" even though I knew she was only saying that to avoid the heartbreak of breaking up. I knew the day of temptation to sex would eventually come and I would not survive like that. Even though we had a lot of good times, it was a sinful relationship. She was not a woman of God and I had no plans to marry her so I needed to break it off. I knew I could not have victory in one area of my life while still knowingly sin in another... I knew full repentance was needed.

    2) I got rid of my XBOX. This was a tough one for me. As someone who grew up basically addicted to video games my whole life since the age of 5, I knew inside that I was giving place to video games above God in my heart. I would play video games all day and night. I used to work third shift and on my days off I would stay up all night into the morning playing video games leaving no room for the Word of God or time with God for that matter. It was an idol in my life that I had to say good bye too [I SAMUEL 7:3]. The addiction to video games I found after quitting was strong too. I went back to them a few times only to give them up again. I finally have given them up..
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2021
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  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey @Yet_not_I I appreciate your journey and your encouragement and your view on faith, that it is all about the object of our faith, Jesus Christ, not a blind hope that things will turn out ok. This is so important and I am concerned for the many who don't get this point.

    You have given me something to think about. Internet blockers literally saved my life, but in my view, it was the work of God to move me to set up those filters, because left to my own devices, I would have literally seen hundreds of times the images I've already looked at. At least. I would still be there, my life would not have moved forward from that point, if He hadn't led me to do that, I believe.

    I hear what you're saying, and I also believe Christianity is all about trusting less and less in my works, my actions, and what I can do to achieve purity and salvation, and trusting more and more in Christ's finished work on the cross and His resurrection. But, is there space in your view to allow that God might use things like blockers and accountable relationships as part of his work of sanctifying us? That he might move an alcoholic to pour his alcohol stash down the drain? Based on the work of Christ on the cross?

    I'm not arguing with your results - I have yet to beat 40 days clean. That's why I'm thinking there's something to what you're saying here. It's just hard for me to think that there is no space for "cutting off your hand if it causes you to sin" like @BoughtWithBlood is saying. If God heals me through a miracle, or if He heals me through the use of doctors, He is still my Healer and the One to praised. Hear what I'm saying?

    Why can't I trust totally in God (Christ and the cross, the Holy Spirit) for purity and leave my filters in place? If all opposition to God becomes meaningless if my trust is in Him then surely having blockers is as meaningless? Am I trusting in my own work to remove filters to save me, similar to trusting in my work to install them in the first place? The point is not to trust in those things but to have all our trust in Him. The answer I then arrive at is that blockers are neither here nor there, the main thing is that trust in Jesus' work to set us free, every minute, every day, blockers or no blockers.

    This could sound way argumentative I don't want to be, just trying to wrap my head around it. Reading it back, it also sounds like I think filters are such a massive issue, which I think is also wrong - the point is trusting in Christ to do it, and filters become more of a side issue. I also understand that that was an important part of your journey, removing all the "crutches", and that it worked, but I don't think this will apply to everyone. I think based on that same central revelation of Christ, the way it's walked out might look a little different for different people.

    Again, I appreciate your passion and your results. You have given me some insight into what I can implement right away. So thanks for that!
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  3. Yet_not_I

    Yet_not_I New Member

    My friend, give what I stated above a try.. If you are truly born again, the Holy Spirit will give you the self control to say NO with the condition that your faith is exclusively in Christ and the Cross. I've given my views above and really I will just end up repeating them to answer your questions... Try what I have outlined, don't question it lol. I too questioned at first hearing this message but after my next fall, (which wasn't too long after!!) I said the heck with it, I'm going to trust that this is the way (faith) because what I'm doing although it sounds good, it sounds right, other people are talking about it, it just is not working... and low and behold, although I stumbled a little at first (due to a lack of trust and faith, own fault) it was the answer I had been looking for... I wish someone would have shared this revelation with me years ago.. But Gods' timing is perfect.. Like I said above, Churches tell you WHAT to do, they just don't tell you HOW (correctly) to go about it. Put into practice what I have outlined above and you will watch as Our God gives you the victory that you have longed for for most of your life. Our God is an awesome God! ..But your hands must be off the wheel (your own methods and way - blockers and filters included) He will will flat out give you the victory (let go of your pride.. it is a must) and you will know because the internal struggle and fight will CEASE. That will be your evidence. You might even fail a little at first like me but don't give up. Satan will try his best to plant seeds of doubt and tell you it isn't working but I'm here to tell you it does. With every temptation press in to Christ and the Cross and what he has done for us.. This is passing the test of faith. God will honor it and give you the victory. The temptation will be over just as fast as it came on.. If you're fighting and struggling with extreme desire (lack of self control) then your faith is still in something else.. Our God is faithful and fully able but he requires one thing... That our faith be ever solely in the Cross of Christ and nothing else for our victory over sin. When that condition is met, you will walk in perpetual victory through no effort or fight of your own... We are still tempted but that is completely different than being compelled by our desires to deliberately seek out sin and follow though with the action against our will, aka - the result of faith in other things.. People who don't know Christ are in the same situation with their faith in other things. My hope is that they hear this message.. Many people reject it thinking they can do it their own way..

    Have a look back at ROMANS 8:5 that I wrote out in my other comment above. The key word is "exclusively".. I know its hard to let things go, I've been there.. We do it with faith.

    It is our constant, exclusive faith in Christ and the Cross that gives the Holy Spirit the green light to go to work within us.. Faith in anything else, stops it's action.. and our sinful sexual appetite and hunger and lustful desires and all kinds of annoying urges will come back at full force leading to "seeking and peaking" ...This is meant to keep us dependent ..It is actually for our own good. It is that simple my friend. I hope you grasp this..

    If you can, grab the book "The Yoke of Bondage"... it will answer all your questions... A lot better than I can. Enjoy your day friend.
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2021
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  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I understand what you’re trying to say @Yet_not_I but on some parts I really have to disagree with you. I know trusting in my filters is not the right way, because it will not deal with the sinful desires, but removing those filters is not the solution. Those filters are in place because I have no intention to go beyond those borders. Why would I remove safe borders? That’s like getting cigarettes, cocaine, xtc, amphetamine, etc back into my house. Because I want to trust in the finished work of Christ and not in my own measures of dealing with it. The fact is, I removed those things out of my house and life because I want to obey and follow my God. I trust Him to do his part as I do mine. I have a responsibility too.

    I do not believe in a one-size-fits-all God. I believe in a personal God. For all of us, it’s only found in grace through the finished work of Jesus Christ, absolutely. But that does not mean He can not use certain methods for freedom/healing/deliverance on different people. In my opinion, thinking otherwise would be limiting God in our way of thinking that suits our personal believes. As @Rudolf Geyse says: “If God heals me through a miracle, or if He heals me through the use of doctors, He is still my Healer and the One to be praised. “

    I really believe that it is God who lead me on this path of therapy, it is God who lead me to accountability, and it is God who lead me to take measures like filters. This does not mean I solely trust in the measures, I trust in His ways and personal guidance on this path to freedom.

    I’ve not read everyting you wrote yet, it’s a lot of text haha. I’ll read the rest and think it through.

    thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your willingness to help me stand in victory!
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  5. Yet_not_I

    Yet_not_I New Member

    My friends, @BoughtWithBlood, @Rudolf Geyse, I respect your views and choices. We're all free to choose. But let me say something, when you are tired of failing and have almost given up hope. If you ever get to that point like me, come back to my post and give what I have said a try. I say this with tears in my eyes because I know the struggle and where I was last year. I did not find lasting victory any other way. Take care friends.

    I know I did say alot, haha...
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2021
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  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Yet_not_I go for it, man, keep up the great streak and trust in God!
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Check it out. I was at the mall today, thinking there may be something to the "No Arousal" Method. It made me keep trying to rein my thoughts in where I see I'm in a bad habit of looking at the women passing, the women in the posters in the store fronts, etc. So that was a positive. Then I thought, man, I should be thinking about Christ and the Cross more than some method for mental celibacy. So my thoughts went from bad habits -> no arousal method -> centred on Christ. Thanks to you @Yet_not_I . If I can understand your point there is no need for any middle step (which I agree with, Christ is enough). Anyways I want to keep this up as I carry on with my life, 100% "celibacy" from porn and fantasy, in both my body and my mind, with that Christ-focus. It's already helped me get through another day without my mind turning to smut.
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  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    These last few weeks were rough. My relationship is at an all-time low. We almost broke up last week but decided to take some time apart. This has been so good for me in terms of insight. The relationship lately hasn’t been healthy so we’ve found a lot to talk about and work on.

    I did manage to not porn for almost 4 weeks. But I did have a lot of lust in my thoughtlife. Yesterday I eventually relapsed to porn. I’ve been thinking alot about the why. Especially the things @Yet_not_I wrote had me thinking what would be the right course of action.

    I’ve been thinking, praying, reading the bible and listening to sermons and there are two bible verses that popped out at me in which I believe God gave the answer:

    John 15:4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

    Psalm 119:9 How can a young man stay pure? Only by living in the word of God and walking in it’s truth.

    To have or not have filters doesn’t matter when you’re truly living close to Christ and filled with the Holy Spirit. It’s only by Him and remaining in Him that I can stand in victory. Filters are not a solution, they’re not a crutch. So is any way of trying to deal with this addiction. I can make them so, but that won’t help. The opposite is also true, I can remove them but it won’t help me one bit if I don’t live close to God.

    And so I’ve decided to set apart more time for undivided attention for God. When he lives through me, I will bear much fruit and the temptation to sin won’t even be on my mind.

    I’m not trying to diss you in any way here @Yet_not_I, You definitely got me thinking and had me praying about it and this is what I believe is what God is trying to tell me.

    Thanks all for reading, have a blessed day full of true joy and freedom.
  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about what you're going through
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey all,

    Quick update: God is good! As I draw close to Him, He draws close to me. When I submit myself to Him and resist the devil, the devil flees from me. These last days, it was fairly easy not to give myself over to lust in any way. I ‘flee’ any temptation right away (for example looking the other way immediately, instead of ogling or wondering what to do, immediately closing the page I’m on when a trigger appears, etc.)

    I notice myself changing. I’m less hesitant to look people in they eyes, I stand up straighter, I speak clearer, among other things.

    There was a confrontation with the car dealer who sold me a car a while back. He was constantly not keeping his promises, twisting words, victimizing himself, manipulating, etc. It was really stressful and annoying as he still owed me money. When I called him he tried the same old tricks. I got so mad and I felt like I had to take authority. So I stopped him by telling him this stops now! I did not call names, not use any of his tactics, nor was I unreasonable but I definitely wasn’t going to be messed with any longer. 15 minutes later, I got the money he owed me :D

    God really helped me in this situation, I was able to get angry yet without sin. To stand up for myself and for a righteous and just outcome. I could also forgive the man and let it go.

    Better days are coming! There’s a way out of this and His name is Jesus. “I am the truth, and the way and the life”.

    If you’re reading this I just want to bless you: Have an amazing day, of liberty, health and hope. Stay strong and don’t fear. You’ll be alright.

    (Turned out to be a bit more than a quick update haha)
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2021
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  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    So the relationship hasn’t been great lately. Today my gf told me she wants to break up with me..

    I kinda knew it was coming, but it still freaking hurts. I don’t blame her though. I haven’t really given her the affection and attention she deserves and needs. Too stuck in my own head and with the chroniue fatigue still playing a big part, it’s just tough. I’m having a hard time connecting with God today. He feels distant and I’m constantly having cravings for porn. Probably to escape this feeling of sadness. Had a little slipping up on youtube but closed it down.

    Life is tough at times..
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  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    That is really hard brother! Much strength to you, hope you can get through this challenging season well.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Really sorry to read this, man. That’s tough. Maybe it isn’t too late to save the relationship? I don’t know, sometimes it’s best to part ways, but sometimes not. I went through a very rough part with my girlfriend a year or two ago, but things got better.

    In all cases, I hope things will be okay for you. Keep it up, man.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    The thing is, I can’t half-ass this relationship to save it. I need to be involved and determined to it. But I just can’t right now. For now it seems like the best decision to split up so we can both focus on our own lives.

    It also meant I lost my accountability partner though. I understand now why people advice against having your partner as AP. It puts much strain on the relationship after a while. I always felt like the lesser one because of my stumbling and she felt powerless to help me which was exhausting for her.

    I PMO’d yesterday as a result. I guess fleeing from the hard emotions of the break up, and knowing that I could, now that I have my passwords to the filters back. It wasn’t that great actually, somehow porn always seems so much better when you crave it than it actually is when you get it.

    I’m making a list of priorities in life. Things that are really important to me from the top down. I plan making a daily schedule with these priorities in mind so that I can get where I want to go.

    I just had some cravings, almost caved. Luckily I was able to stop it in time. I have an appointment with my counselor later so I just need to hang in for a couple more hours.
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2021
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Oh man. I’m really messing it all up now. PMO’d twice yesterday.

    Need to come up with a new strategy

    update later today:

    It’s weird how today is such a good day, considering my relapses yesterday. Work went well and I’m super happy all day. I did do some bible study, maybe that helped lift my mood :)
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2021
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  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry to hear this.
    I know you're going to find someone better though. You said you can't bring yourself to try to save it.

    Untill you find someone better, consider this,now you have no obligations. This can help you concentrate on trying hardmode. This could be it. This could be how you end this relapse cycle once and for all.

    It's not going to be easy at all, but I know you can do this. You do have it in you.

    That recent relapse, think about it, think about how you felt during PMO.
    Now think how you felt after you were done.

    Now consider this... This is the last time ever you're doing this...
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Was really doing well these last couple of days. Super focused and motivated, working out, praying, working, practicing discipline, hard mode.. but last night I thought it was a good idea to bring the laptop to bed.. stupid in hindsight, cause I relapsed.

    Not giving up though, I want to succeed!
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hello my friend,

    Sorry to hear you have been struggling. I must admit I’m not a fan of terms like ‘Hard Mode’. I guess getting over this stuff for me is more like ‘Relax Mode’. Given your relationship break up and other struggles you’ve been going through it’s no wonder you are finding it hard to stay on the path. Instead of putting so much pressure on yourself, try relaxing a little more. Try being a little more gentle with yourself.

    I know that for myself P use was intrinsically linked to stress. The more stress, the more P use. Learning other tools for relaxing and being a bit kinder to myself made a huge difference.

    I look back on old physical journals I used to write and they have a similar tone to yours. I was never good enough, I always needed to try harder and I was a burden to those around me.

    It’s taken me years to shift my thinking, but it’s been a huge part of my journey. Start with being kind. Start with compassion. It’s what all the great teachers point to.

    Good luck. You got this. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.


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  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey @BoughtWithBlood how have you been getting on this month? Glad to see in your post above, your attitude, to bounce back quickly.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey Professor. Please, what tools have helped your relaxation? Can you give me a top technique or 2 that you have found helpful? I agree 100% about the stress link to PMO.

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