Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Currently I feel like I’m exploring uncharted waters. An adventure through what life is about and has to offer. An adventure through who I am and want to become. It’s fun, exciting, exhilarating even. But I also feel scared, uncertain and homesick. Another analogy would be that I feel like I’m learning to walk without my crutches for the first time. I’m stepping forward, into a new chapter, but I’m wobbly and don’t have my safety. Will I be alright without my crutches?

    Today I had cravings. This desire to go back ‘home’ to experience the pleasures porn has to offer. How great it would feel to lose myself in that mindnumbing behavior... and how bad I would feel afterwards. Not being able to go on with my adventure. Not reaching my full potential. The time lost. The guild. The shame. Etc.

    I have no choice but to move forward. It’s in my blood, my DNA. I’m an explorer, an adventurer. Stoked about these unfamiliar shores.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I just looked at some non-nude, high-res Pinterest pictures of p-stars. I also touched myself a bit but not full out M.

    It’s weird how one can go from living a victorious lifestyle to back in the old unhealthy habit. I had a confrontation this morning, with one of my coaches, which really drained me from my energy.

    The anger/sadness/boredome/tiredness combined was too much I guess and I wanted a way out.

    I hate that I can let others have such an effect on me. Why do I struggle to find the words of what’s living inside of me? The not being able to speak that out feeds this addiction and is only hurting me double in the end.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Have had more cycles of searching and closing.

    seen nudes and porn gifs. M’d a little.

    No full relapse but enough to know I should reset my counter. I’ll probably use 2 counters though. One for my last indulgence / binge - PMO and one for last slip, which would be reset today.

    Last binge / real relapse was 3rd of january.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    A relapse today when looking at p pics and gifs.

    It sucks, but it happens. I’m learning myself new behavior that matches with my believes, ethics and values. A fall back into old habits is often unavoidable, it’s part of recovery. I have to take the necessary precautions so this does not happen again. A bump in the road of my way forward is not an excuse to get complacent and drown in self-pity.
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  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Had another relapse after 7 or 8 days no pmo. I messed something up which lead to losing quite some money, felt like a total failure and made it worse by going for a pmo session.

    I’ve Been struggling lately. Hard to get my mindset right. Trying to remember all that I’ve learned. Negative self-image just gets me on the downward spiral. It’s hard not to be focused on my mistakes and missteps though.

    I need to learn from my mistakes, instead of feeling like a failure. I need to remember the difference between identity and behavior.

    - I’m grateful for the internet. There’s so much you can use to educate yourself on all sorts of things.
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  6. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck, man. I hope you can get through this and get back on track.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Much strength to you for a new streak, BWB. I can relate, I'm going through a very stressful transaction which may end up having hidden costs that I could be liable into the future, running ten of thousands. As you said, our identity isn't tied up in these things. All a person can do is weigh up the situation that they are in, think it through, pray, get good advice and then make the best decision they can at the time. Sometimes you gotta learn things the hard way, and you know what? That's ok, too. God is at work in all of this stuff, for lots of reasons - showing us our need for Him, helping us to see our own flaws and grow, etc. I'm majorly stressed out, but if I can avoid relapse this week, you can too. Try get back in the saddle quickly and plug those gaps. All the best to you (and me both)! One day at a time.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  8. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood keep going as if it never happened.

    You hit the right point there. Learning from mistakes is the best thing to do. Embrace mistakes and wait for them because it means there a treat waiting for you at the end which is the lesson.

    Best of luck to you.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    This means a lot to me guys! Thanks so much for the support
    NewStart19 likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Lots of temptation today but was able to stay strong. Determination is growing again.

    - I’m grateful for the weather. Spring is coming soon and it’s making me happy :)
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  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    MO yesterday night to some non-nude gifs and FMO this morning under the shower.
    A set back but no porn is always good.

    I’m trying to focus on the positive because the shame and guilt are keeping me in the relapse cycle.
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  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    I get that. As much as the feeling sucks to relapse, as long as there is no porn, that's something to hold onto. You failed, but you failed better.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Some more non-nudes and self touching on thursday, still no nudes or porn though. No more slips since.

    Since yesterday I feel a bit stronger. Like my mindset is getting in that right place again where I realize who I want to be. I’ve been neglecting my relationship with God lately which always leads me to a depressed state. Finding Him again is so valuable, nothing quite compares.

    - I’m grateful for grace. I can always turn toward God for grace, even at my worst. He never turns me down, nor anyone.
    Shady likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Still okay, no slips of any kind.

    I recently bought a car. Sadly I’m in a big argument about the car with the seller. Don’t want to go into details but a lot had happend and it’s causing me a lot of stress. Besides that my astma is getting worse.

    Despite those things I’m finding more happiness though. My relationship with my girlfriend has been good lately and these last days God has been feeling close.

    - I’m grateful for music :)
    Shady likes this.
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Music is very good as an escape from anything really.
    So with that increasig stress it's nice you're using music to release the stress.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Had a relapse last friday :(

    Was doing well again, not really sure what lead to the relapse. I feel quite shitty about it. My GF has been very supportive which is great in these stressful times.

    Hope you’re all having a wonderful day.
  17. Yet_not_I

    Yet_not_I New Member

    Pick this book up, The Yoke of Bondage by Jimmy Swaggart. I see you going down the same path I went down for years to no avail.. "not really sure what lead to the relapse". It is because like me, (and others) you're in bondage and your will is being overridden. I know, I was there.. This book will explain why you're not getting the victory. As a believer in Jesus Christ it helped me a lot, I'm walking in victory finally. As I learned, it had nothing to do with me and my "methods". We as believers are to trust His victory alone for our victory. [COLOSSIANS 2:14-15] If you trust anything else, the Holy Spirit will not help you... His book will help you to understand

    Link to the book The Yoke of Bondage, along with two other good ones. His bibles are great too. He has commentary for almost every verse in red. I thought I had a fairly good understanding of the bible before I bought his Expositors' bible. All his books are on sale right now, so good timing..

    It's also essential to examine yourself and clean up other areas of sin in your life.. [JAMES 4:8] Half measures will not do it.
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2021
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  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the tip. Can’t get the book in my country though
  19. Yet_not_I

    Yet_not_I New Member

    That is unfortunate... There is a lot of vital truth in those books

    Let me read/write to you from Romans 8:1-5 and a couple other passages out of the Expositors Bible with commentary notes in parenthesis. For encouragement, this is the true way to overcoming this addiction and any addiction for that matter. And I believe it's the only way after trying in my own strength for over 10 years and being "addicted" (in bondage to sin) for 20. I have been walking in victory for nearly 6 months now since the end of last September/early October. Not to Bragg, the glory goes to God. As I have learned, it is by the Spirit of God (the Holy Spirit) and not myself that I am able to walk without stumbling... It is a complete denial of self [LUKE9:23] and a total dependence on Christ and the Cross (What he did there) [COLOSSIANS2:14-15]. The pride HAD TO GO. I had to come to a place of "I cannot do this"... My belief and from my experience and by design there is no other way to overcome this beast...


    1) There is therefore now no condemnation (guilt) to them which are in Christ Jesus (refers back to Rom. 6:3-5 and our being baptized into His death, which speaks of the crucifixion), who walk not after the flesh (depending on one's own personal strength and ability or great religious efforts in order to overcome sin), but after the Spirit (the Holy Spirit works exclusively within the legal confines of the Finished Work of Christ; our faith in that Finished Work i.e., "the Cross," guarantees the help of the Holy Spirit, which guarantees victory).
    2) For the law (that which we are about to give is a law of God, devised by the Godhead in eternity past [I PETER 1:18-20]; this law, in fact, is "Gods' Prescribed Order of Victory") of the Spirit (Holy Spirit, I.e., "the way the Spirit works") of Life (all life comes from Christ, but through the Holy Spirit [JOHN 16:13-14]) in Christ Jesus (any time Paul uses this term or one of its derivatives, he is, without fail, referring to what Christ did at the Cross, which makes this "life" possible) has made me free (given me total victory) from the Law of Sin and Death (these are the two most powerful laws in the universe; the "Law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus" alone is stronger than the "Law of Sin and Death"; this means that if the Believer attempts to live for God by any manner other than Faith in Christ and the Cross, he is doomed to failure).
    3) For what the Law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh (those under Law had only their willpower, which is woefully insufficient; so despite how hard they tried, they were unable to keep the Law then, and the same inability persists presently; any person who tries to live for God by a system of laws is doomed to failure, because the Holy Spirit will not function in that capacity), God sending His Own Son (refers to mans' helpless condition, unable to save himself and unable to keep even a simple Law and, therefore, in dire need of a Savior) in the likeness of sinful flesh (this means that Christ was really human, conformed in appearance to flesh which is characterized by sin, but yet sinless), and for sin (to atone for sin, to destroy its power and to save and Sanctify its victims), condemned sin in the flesh (destroyed the power of sin by giving His Perfect Body as a Sacrifice for sin, which made it possible for sin to be defeated in our flesh; it was all through the Cross):
    4) That the Righteousness of the Law might be fulfilled in us (the Law finding its full accomplishment in us can only be done by faith in Christ and what Christ has done for us at the Cross), who walk not after the flesh (not after our own strength and ability), but after the Spirit (the word "walk" refers to the manner in which we order our life; when we place our Faith in Christ and the Cross, understanding that all things come from God to us by means of the Cross, ever making it the object of our Faith, the Holy Spirit can then work mightily within us, bringing about the Fruit of the Spirit; that is what "walking after the Spirit" actually means!).
    5) For they who are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh (refers to believers trying to live for the Lord by means other than Faith in the Cross of Christ); but they who are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit (those who place their Faith in Christ and the Cross, do so exclusively; they are doing what the Spirit desires, which alone can bring victory).

    What this is all saying is that as a born again believer, if we try to live righteously for God (that is what we are doing when we try to abandon porn and immorality) in our own strength, or our own way, trusting things such as 12 step groups, counseling, therapy, installing software filters, other people, hobbies, activities, religious works and efforts, weightlifting, self, ect.. (doesn't matter what it is), to bring us victory over sin, we are operating under law and are doomed to fail and failure. God will not honor those efforts as they are dependent upon self and other worldly ways. He will sit and watch us try our own way and fail. He will not force Himself on anyone. On the contrary, when we place our Faith in Christ and the Cross, everyday, moment by moment, constantly, we are giving the Holy Spirit the legal right to aid us and do what we cannot do in our own strength. This will suppress the urges to sin and keep it (the sin nature) at bay. The moment we start to trust in something else, it all stops and we are under law again and doomed to failure.. This is the difference between living in Romans 7:7-25 and living in Romans 8. Paul was trying in his own strength and failing even though he knew what was right and wanted to do right. He realized he was a slave to sin much like us. In Romans 8 he explains that it is by the Spirit that he is able to live right and do right (Sanctification). He did that by trusting in Christ and the Cross as his source of strength, not himself.

    It is God who sanctifies us, not us and not anyone else. [LEVITICUS 20:8]. The same way we are saved is the same way we are sanctified; constant faith in Christ and the Cross. Many Christians think that after they accept Christ as Lord and Savior that they then have to go and try to live right in their own effort as if it's now their duty. (I was mislead by this too..) Nothing could be further from the truth.. The only thing we are to do as believers is put our faith in Christ and the Cross, trusting in His finished work to be our victory and keep it there so that the Holy Spirit can then work within our hearts and lives which then produces the necessary change... That is how we are then able to walk away from this filth...

    We will always be tempted, even Jesus was tempted [JAMES 1:2-3] [JAMES 1:12-16] [MATTHEW 4:1-11]. But when we place our faith in Christ and the Cross, the Holy Spirit will suppress the desires and urges (sin nature) that are common with this addiction. Through no effort of our own, we will then walk in victory as the Holy Spirit gives us the strength to say "NO" to our evil desires and ungodliness... This is how I have "survived" the last six months roughly.. Walking in purity is well beyond human strength. It requires supernatural help from the Holy Spirit which comes through constant faith in Christ and the Cross..

    I hope you will consider what I have shared, like I said up top it is the only reason I have had victory for the last 6 months. This is fairly new to me too and Jimmy Swaggart is really the only one I know that preaches this message. It changed everything for me.. I would still be struggling if not for this revelation and I want to share it with you that you might find freedom as well..

    What I did was I removed everything I was trusting in to "keep me from falling". I had passwords set up that kept me locked out of certain devices that I owned. With only one other person having that password. When I removed those restrictions I felt a sense of freedom come over me and I knew I was doing the right thing. In reality, what I was doing was freeing myself from the Law so that I could receive grace instead (We cannot have both). Now any time I feel any temptation come to me I immediately turn my focus to Christ and what he did for me on the Cross [COLOSSIANS 2:14-15] and put my trust in his finished work. Sometimes I will say that verse out loud, other times I will just recite my own thanks and prayer that relates to that verse. Either way, I declare and evidence faith in Christ and the Cross... I'm doing what Gods' Word requires, dependence on the Perfect Sacrifice that God has provided for us as my only means of victory. Within moments the temptation is gone. --- [I CORINTHIANS 10:13] < That "way out" is Christ and the Cross..


    13) There has no temptation taken you but such as is common to man (refers to the limitations God has placed upon Satan respecting that which he can or cannot do): but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able (we have His promise; all temptation is overcome by our Faith remaining constant in Christ and the Cross, which gives the Power of the Holy Spirit to help us [ROMANS 8:2]); but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bare it. (As stated, the "way of escape" is always the Cross [EPHESIANS 6:10-18])

    Do not give in to your temptations!! [James 4:7]. This is the testing of your Faith. [I PETER 1:6-7]

    JAMES 4:7

    7) Submit yourselves therefore to God (to the plan He has provided, which is the Cross). Resist the Devil and he will flee from you. (We do this by strictly looking to Christ and what He has done for us at the Cross, where Satan was totally defeated [COLOSSIANS 2:14-15].)

    I PETER 1:6-7

    6) Wherein you greatly rejoice (refers to the time when this earthly sojourn will be finished, the Trump of God sounds, and "we shall be changed" [I CORINTHIANS 15:51-54]), though now for a season, if need be, you are in heaviness through manifold temptations (this life is the dress rehearsal for Eternity):
    7) That the trial of your Faith (all faith is tested, and great Faith must be tested greatly), being much more precious than of gold that perishes ( the emphasis is the testing of our Faith to show whether or not it is genuine; the Holy Spirit says such is more precious than the testing of gold, which is the most precious commodity in the world; is our Faith really in the Cross or not?), though it be tried with fire (the fire of temptation, trouble, etc.; such are meant to show the weakness), might be found unto Praise and Honour and Glory (which can only be done if the Cross of Christ is the sole Object of our Faith) at the appearing of Jesus Christ (we are being prepared by the Holy Spirit as fit subjects for the appearing of our Lord, as it regards the Rapture):

    Trusting in Christ and the Cross is not mental assertion but rather it is a deep trust in the heart. Not head trust, heart trust... It is a REST in his finished work for the power to overcome the temptations of this world that seek to destroy us. Praise Jesus and glory to God!

    Of course, for any of this to be effective a person must be a born again Christian.. [JOHN 3] [JOHN 3:16] [ROMANS 10:9-13]

    You can watch live here:

    They mention a lot of what I have mentioned above extensivley in one of their programs called "The Message of the Cross"
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2021
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  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the write up. I do hold victory longer when I have filters and such though. Which imo is biblical as Jesus teaches us to ‘pluck out our eye’ if it causes us to stumble. Besides that, therapy has actually been helping as well. Which imo is biblical as well, since we’re taught to walk in the light and confess eachother our sins.

    A lot of what you say is in line with what my pastor teaches. I just find it so hard to grasp. There has been times where I said I couldn’t do it alone. Asking God for help, only to fall in sin later. I must agree though, the closer I am to God and the more I give room to the Holy Spirit, the less I sin. There often isn’t even any temptation when I’m filled with the Spirit. So I understand you there. It’s just that it hasn’t proven to be foolproof for me.

    In a more practical way though, how do you make sure you keep that connection with God and make sure your focus is on the finished work of Christ?
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