Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I think this is very well stated. That's why it's important not to have an all or nothing mentality and go crazy when relapse occurs. The best thing is to see the big picture and see every day as an opportunity to learn how to live without porn.

    This being said, well done on your progress and efforts. I think you're doing really well lately !
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    One month down and grateful for it :)
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Five weeks down, happy with the progress.

    Haven’t reached this since starting my journal here last year. Haven’t been able to reach 5 weeks of hard-mode for years really.

    Any of you longer abstainers know that feeling of inquisitiveness? That feeling of being thirsty for knowledge and learning new things? It’s slowly coming to me again and I remember it from my longer streaks of years ago. It feels good and I’m happy where I’m heading. I feel a bit smarter, a bit more present, less ashamed, less brain fogged, less anxious.

    It’s only like 10 to 20% better but it feels great feeling these changes come. It’s not always a lineair progress though. Ups and downs happen. They’re part of life too.

    Anyways, grateful for these changes and curious aa to where it might lead.

    stay healthy and safe readers, be blessed!
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Currently I feel like I’m exploring uncharted waters. An adventure through what life is about and has to offer. An adventure through who I am and want to become. It’s fun, exciting, exhilarating even. But I also feel scared, uncertain and homesick. Another analogy would be that I feel like I’m learning to walk without my crutches for the first time. I’m stepping forward, into a new chapter, but I’m wobbly and don’t have my safety. Will I be alright without my crutches?

    Today I had cravings. This desire to go back ‘home’ to experience the pleasures porn has to offer. How great it would feel to lose myself in that mindnumbing behavior... and how bad I would feel afterwards. Not being able to go on with my adventure. Not reaching my full potential. The time lost. The guild. The shame. Etc.

    I have no choice but to move forward. It’s in my blood, my DNA. I’m an explorer, an adventurer. Stoked about these unfamiliar shores.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I just looked at some non-nude, high-res Pinterest pictures of p-stars. I also touched myself a bit but not full out M.

    It’s weird how one can go from living a victorious lifestyle to back in the old unhealthy habit. I had a confrontation this morning, with one of my coaches, which really drained me from my energy.

    The anger/sadness/boredome/tiredness combined was too much I guess and I wanted a way out.

    I hate that I can let others have such an effect on me. Why do I struggle to find the words of what’s living inside of me? The not being able to speak that out feeds this addiction and is only hurting me double in the end.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Have had more cycles of searching and closing.

    seen nudes and porn gifs. M’d a little.

    No full relapse but enough to know I should reset my counter. I’ll probably use 2 counters though. One for my last indulgence / binge - PMO and one for last slip, which would be reset today.

    Last binge / real relapse was 3rd of january.
  7. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry to hear about the recent developments. It was uplifting to read one of your previous posts of being five weeks clean, although it made me frown at myself a little, getting me to think I should really be following your example. But putting myself aside, I still think what you did was great and inspiring (no embellishment there) in spite of what has happened since.

    You've most likely either thought of this yourself or had someone else recommend or ask, but do you have any behavioral responses (thought out in advance) to a triggering stimulus that you can implement to a) get your mind preoccupied with something else and hopefully b) get yourself away from your computer (or phone, tablet etc.) and even better out of the house?

    I'm glad though that you are able to parse different manifestations of your addiction. I'm in a different boat, but parsing things like say relapse (or my conception of it: intentionally looking at porn and/or masturbating) and other arenas (like session duration) and then tracking the changes have yielded some great improvements for me. I hope your shift in monitoring does the same for you.

    Take care
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    A relapse today when looking at p pics and gifs.

    It sucks, but it happens. I’m learning myself new behavior that matches with my believes, ethics and values. A fall back into old habits is often unavoidable, it’s part of recovery. I have to take the necessary precautions so this does not happen again. A bump in the road of my way forward is not an excuse to get complacent and drown in self-pity.
    Shady and NewStart19 like this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Had another relapse after 7 or 8 days no pmo. I messed something up which lead to losing quite some money, felt like a total failure and made it worse by going for a pmo session.

    I’ve Been struggling lately. Hard to get my mindset right. Trying to remember all that I’ve learned. Negative self-image just gets me on the downward spiral. It’s hard not to be focused on my mistakes and missteps though.

    I need to learn from my mistakes, instead of feeling like a failure. I need to remember the difference between identity and behavior.

    - I’m grateful for the internet. There’s so much you can use to educate yourself on all sorts of things.
    Rudolf Geyse and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  10. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck, man. I hope you can get through this and get back on track.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    Much strength to you for a new streak, BWB. I can relate, I'm going through a very stressful transaction which may end up having hidden costs that I could be liable into the future, running ten of thousands. As you said, our identity isn't tied up in these things. All a person can do is weigh up the situation that they are in, think it through, pray, get good advice and then make the best decision they can at the time. Sometimes you gotta learn things the hard way, and you know what? That's ok, too. God is at work in all of this stuff, for lots of reasons - showing us our need for Him, helping us to see our own flaws and grow, etc. I'm majorly stressed out, but if I can avoid relapse this week, you can too. Try get back in the saddle quickly and plug those gaps. All the best to you (and me both)! One day at a time.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood keep going as if it never happened.

    You hit the right point there. Learning from mistakes is the best thing to do. Embrace mistakes and wait for them because it means there a treat waiting for you at the end which is the lesson.

    Best of luck to you.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    This means a lot to me guys! Thanks so much for the support
    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Lots of temptation today but was able to stay strong. Determination is growing again.

    - I’m grateful for the weather. Spring is coming soon and it’s making me happy :)
    Rudolf Geyse and Shady like this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    MO yesterday night to some non-nude gifs and FMO this morning under the shower.
    A set back but no porn is always good.

    I’m trying to focus on the positive because the shame and guilt are keeping me in the relapse cycle.
    Shady and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I get that. As much as the feeling sucks to relapse, as long as there is no porn, that's something to hold onto. You failed, but you failed better.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Some more non-nudes and self touching on thursday, still no nudes or porn though. No more slips since.

    Since yesterday I feel a bit stronger. Like my mindset is getting in that right place again where I realize who I want to be. I’ve been neglecting my relationship with God lately which always leads me to a depressed state. Finding Him again is so valuable, nothing quite compares.

    - I’m grateful for grace. I can always turn toward God for grace, even at my worst. He never turns me down, nor anyone.
    Shady likes this.

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