Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Totally makes sense to me. Another way to put it would be to say that you are not intrinsically a victim, but that your behaviors have turned you into a victim. Addiction somehow renders a person submissive, passive. Freeing yourself from addiction is, in a sense, getting a grip on your life. There is nothing worse than feeling that everything is a fatality, that you can’t change anything to your life. I have been feeling this way for many years, I know this feeling pretty well. We are not victims, but we build our own prisons.
    Pete McVries and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for joining in and sharing your thoughts. I completely agree with you that porn is a weak spot for me and that I should remain vigilant. What I mean with the victim mentality is the part of feeling powerless, like the addiction is your master and you have no choice but to obey sooner or later. In the end, it are our own choices. Addiction can not be an excuse.
    Bilbo Baggins and Pete McVries like this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Well said Bilbo. That feeling is terrible and I know it all too well
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’ve got quite the cravings to M. Probably cause I’m hanging around being lazy. No slips, no F, just telling it no. Maybe it’s time to do something with my day.

    Did give my grandma a call this morning. It was nice to notice she appreciated that.

    - I’m grateful for my family. Eventhough childhood and puberty were sometimes pretty hard on me, we’ve grown quite close to eachother these last couple of years. It’s a valuable thing to have peace in a family.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Cravings are really intense now. P-flashbacks where it’s like I can hear the girls moaning in my head while also getting images. It’s hard to push them away but no way I’m giving in. The good thing is they come in waves, weakening in strength as I’m determined not to give them even the tinyest of space at all.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
  6. Keep fighting. You are not your thoughts and you don't have to act on your thoughts.
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  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I got through the day without any slips whatsoever :) feels good.

    Were some stripclub scenes in the serie I was watching. Looked away or skipped the scenes without much trouble :D

    Hardly got anything done in the house, but that’s okay. Can’t expect myself to get everything right when the cravings are so intense.

    - I’m grateful for music. It’s great to have so many things to listen to and get inspired by.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Motivation to get things done is -20. Seriously need to get a routine back in my life. It feels like staying away from PMO is eating away all my energy. Need to focus on recovery since this is just abstinence.

    - I don’t really know what I’m grateful for. To be alive and breathing I guess. Don’t want to repeat the same thing over and over again but my mind is just tired/lazy and I don’t know..

    Tomorrow will probably be a better day
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today is okay, at my gf. Went for a walk today which was cold and windy but still nice. A bit lazy but okay otherwise.

    Decided to lock all casual/entertainment websites and apps during the day. This hopefully will help me be more productive. Can’t allow myself to waste my life on netflix, forums and youtube.

    I hope the tiredness and depression like weight soon disappear.

    - I’m grateful for sleep. Lately my sleep has been pretty good which really helps not feeling so stressed out during the day.
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today was a fairly good day. I started with a sort of ‘back to work’ thing. It’s with an organization that specializes in burn-out, chronique fatigue, pain problems, stress, etc. etc.

    I’m in a group with 3 others and there’s always a teamleader in these group meetings. It’s all online due to covid. The groupleader is either a health professional or psychologist. Today we had to discuss our goals. Tomorrow we’ll start with working on our fitness and such. It seems like the right place for me since they also focus on learning what your boundaries are and communicating them.

    - I’m grateful for this program. I feel it can do me a lot of good.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    That does sound promising ! Hope it helps.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.

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