Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    I don't have much to add but I think it's pretty common that in the beginning, when you realize that a vice is causing you problems, the first big streak comes easy. For me the first time I quit drinking was right when I had been drinking huge amounts for years, but didn't really see a problem, then I quit cold turkey, didn't drink for six months, and it was almost effortless. Same with porn for the most part. But maybe you jump back in for whatever reason. Maybe you thought since it was easy to quit that time, it always will be. But then you have some relapses, and then a streak of relapses. Now it's been months or years and you continue to get on good streaks, but relapses are also a commonality. They have become a part of you. Failure has become a part of you. You are now......an addict. A victim.

    A lot of us have been doing this for so long that "porn addict" is how we see ourselves. This enters our mind state every day. And it might be the MOST powerful thing that keeps people in the relapse cycle. A lot of times I swear I almost psyche myself out.

    "Well, I'm at XX number of days clean, come day XX, that's when I relapse, so I'll probably do it again when I get there".

    A self fulfilling prophesy, that didn't exist before we identified as "addicts".

    This victim mentality is the entire basis of AA. It's complete nonsense.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2021
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Still FPMO free. It feels so good to stand up for myself and make good decisions. I feel like I’m in control.

    - I’m grateful for chicken. Chicken tastes delicious :D
     
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  3. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I'm inviting myself to the discussion to play the devil's advocat for a second. :D

    While I totally agree with all of you that identifying as a porn addict and acquiring a vicitim mindset is contrasting to being helpful, nevertheless, in my mind, it is important to be aware of the fact that your modus operandi will always differ from people who are not addicted to porn. And because of this, even when you have recovered from PIED, or when are on a long streak of not having used porn anymore, porn will always try to lure you back into the hole especially in moments when your guard is down or when you erroneously think you are on your toes.

    What is the best protection against addiction? Don't get addicted in the first place. Once it has manifested and it is fed long enough, it will always unfold to a bigger proportion, even if you are abstinent for years, once you start using again. It is like that with all addictions, is it not? For example, I've smoked a few joints around the days of new year's eve (first time in 2 years) when I stayed at my girlfriend's place. Once it was time for me to head back to my place, I made sure to give away the rest of the weed and the bag of tobacco to a friend because I know how hard the stuff is calling me when I have it around. And I wasn't even the biggest dope-head or tobacco smoker when I used to smoke years ago. It is also worth mentioning that I had addictive thoughts of secretly taking it back to my place and just pretend to my partner that I had given it away. What's one sign of addiction? Doing it in secret. Neglecting these things can be very dangerous and might cause you to rush headlong into disaster with your eyes open. Making yourself aware of the consequence of your actions is important and gives you the power to do the right thing. It is the opposite of being a victim. It is making the best of something that could have been worse. The sooner you become aware of what's happening, the easier it is to act. Because guess what will become of you, once you ended up in the snakepit with the addiction tangled up around you? A victim.
     
  4. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Totally makes sense to me. Another way to put it would be to say that you are not intrinsically a victim, but that your behaviors have turned you into a victim. Addiction somehow renders a person submissive, passive. Freeing yourself from addiction is, in a sense, getting a grip on your life. There is nothing worse than feeling that everything is a fatality, that you can’t change anything to your life. I have been feeling this way for many years, I know this feeling pretty well. We are not victims, but we build our own prisons.
     
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  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for joining in and sharing your thoughts. I completely agree with you that porn is a weak spot for me and that I should remain vigilant. What I mean with the victim mentality is the part of feeling powerless, like the addiction is your master and you have no choice but to obey sooner or later. In the end, it are our own choices. Addiction can not be an excuse.
     
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  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Well said Bilbo. That feeling is terrible and I know it all too well
     
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  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’ve got quite the cravings to M. Probably cause I’m hanging around being lazy. No slips, no F, just telling it no. Maybe it’s time to do something with my day.

    Did give my grandma a call this morning. It was nice to notice she appreciated that.

    - I’m grateful for my family. Eventhough childhood and puberty were sometimes pretty hard on me, we’ve grown quite close to eachother these last couple of years. It’s a valuable thing to have peace in a family.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Cravings are really intense now. P-flashbacks where it’s like I can hear the girls moaning in my head while also getting images. It’s hard to push them away but no way I’m giving in. The good thing is they come in waves, weakening in strength as I’m determined not to give them even the tinyest of space at all.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
  9. Keep fighting. You are not your thoughts and you don't have to act on your thoughts.
     
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  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I got through the day without any slips whatsoever :) feels good.

    Were some stripclub scenes in the serie I was watching. Looked away or skipped the scenes without much trouble :D

    Hardly got anything done in the house, but that’s okay. Can’t expect myself to get everything right when the cravings are so intense.

    - I’m grateful for music. It’s great to have so many things to listen to and get inspired by.
     
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Motivation to get things done is -20. Seriously need to get a routine back in my life. It feels like staying away from PMO is eating away all my energy. Need to focus on recovery since this is just abstinence.

    - I don’t really know what I’m grateful for. To be alive and breathing I guess. Don’t want to repeat the same thing over and over again but my mind is just tired/lazy and I don’t know..

    Tomorrow will probably be a better day
     
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  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today is okay, at my gf. Went for a walk today which was cold and windy but still nice. A bit lazy but okay otherwise.

    Decided to lock all casual/entertainment websites and apps during the day. This hopefully will help me be more productive. Can’t allow myself to waste my life on netflix, forums and youtube.

    I hope the tiredness and depression like weight soon disappear.

    - I’m grateful for sleep. Lately my sleep has been pretty good which really helps not feeling so stressed out during the day.
     
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  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today was a fairly good day. I started with a sort of ‘back to work’ thing. It’s with an organization that specializes in burn-out, chronique fatigue, pain problems, stress, etc. etc.

    I’m in a group with 3 others and there’s always a teamleader in these group meetings. It’s all online due to covid. The groupleader is either a health professional or psychologist. Today we had to discuss our goals. Tomorrow we’ll start with working on our fitness and such. It seems like the right place for me since they also focus on learning what your boundaries are and communicating them.

    - I’m grateful for this program. I feel it can do me a lot of good.
     
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    That does sound promising ! Hope it helps.
     
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  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I was gonna write something today but then I was busy and forgot about it. Now I can’t remember what I was about to write down.

    Anyways, I’m doing good. The program is good to me. Teaching all kinds of things. Keeping me active, helping me plan, the social part, training mindfulness, etc.

    My resolve is strong. I have no interest in tiny peaks or ogling. I’m 100% hard mode and it’s been good. The shame and guilt is starting to fade. I know where I want to go, and porn use has no future in my lifeplan.

    I’m tired now though and my muscles are sore. Getting back to health and fitness is tiring but fulfilling.

    - Today I’m grateful for being PMO free for two weeks
     
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    All is well. Still PMO free. Noticing I’m in a flatline which isn’t too bad. It helps get some days in without much temptation and fights :) some urges to M on some days but nothing too crazy.

    Been exercising every day during the week. Giving my body some rest this weekend. Been focussing on my food intake as well to gain some mass in a healthy way.

    I’m also working on discipline. Doing things around the house daily. Learning to balance things better. Letting go of the all-or-nothing mentality is needed to reduce stress and live a happy and healthy life.

    - I’m grateful for my actions. The responsibility I’m taking. Becoming the man I want to be.
     
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Withdrawal is kicking in and I’m having a hard time finding peace. Restlessness, anxiety, half-panic attacks, agitation, stress..

    Thankfully prayer helps! Hope some sleeps will make me feel better
     
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  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’m seriously tired. This program is good, but asking a lot as well. I feel confronted with my chronic issues, they don’t go away as easily as I’d hoped. I might need more time than I thought to get back to feeling healthy and fit again. It’s a tough situation to deal with, especially since I’m not numbing myself with porn.

    On a positive note: 3 weeks since last slip. I’m super happy with how I’m making progress lately. It doesn’t feel that hard anymore to get the days in. I remember about half a year ago how hard it was to just get 2 weeks free. I tried reaching 3 weeks of hard-mode for many months but couldn’t achieve it. Now I’m doing 3 weeks directly after my last streak of one month.

    - I’m grateful for my plants. I enjoy taking care of them and they make my home a nicer place to be.
     
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Moodswings. Still clean.

    - grateful that I didn’t feel tired for a couple of hours today
     
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  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’m in a season where I need to learn to stand up for myself. A lot of things going on with purchases that went wrong and I need my money back, repairs needed, loud neighbours at night, etc. I stand in my right, but I’m not getting it. I can pray for it, but God is not giving me the easy way out. This whole porn problem is wanting things the easy way. Not being able to handle everyday life, so let’s go for some instant gratification... in a way, quitting porn is not just stopping a certain behavior. It’s about learning how to live properly. To develop discipline. To be a man. I’m not going to numb my needs and rights away anymore. I’m standing up for myself in a right manner and will continue to do so.

    4 weeks since last relapse. Almost 4 since last slip. My resolve is good! I love what I’ve learned about my identity and it’s really helping. I’m not a porn addict, the bible says I’m a born again believer, a child of God. I have authority to make the right choices. I’ve been set free from the slavery of sin. My actions should stand in line with my believes, values and identity. Not oppose them. Out with the lies that tell me I’m hopeless, that I don’t have a choice, that I’m an addict for life.

    “Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free”

    - I’m grateful for the lessons I’m learning throughout this reboot.
     

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