Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Totally makes sense to me. Another way to put it would be to say that you are not intrinsically a victim, but that your behaviors have turned you into a victim. Addiction somehow renders a person submissive, passive. Freeing yourself from addiction is, in a sense, getting a grip on your life. There is nothing worse than feeling that everything is a fatality, that you can’t change anything to your life. I have been feeling this way for many years, I know this feeling pretty well. We are not victims, but we build our own prisons.
    Pete McVries and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for joining in and sharing your thoughts. I completely agree with you that porn is a weak spot for me and that I should remain vigilant. What I mean with the victim mentality is the part of feeling powerless, like the addiction is your master and you have no choice but to obey sooner or later. In the end, it are our own choices. Addiction can not be an excuse.
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  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Well said Bilbo. That feeling is terrible and I know it all too well
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’ve got quite the cravings to M. Probably cause I’m hanging around being lazy. No slips, no F, just telling it no. Maybe it’s time to do something with my day.

    Did give my grandma a call this morning. It was nice to notice she appreciated that.

    - I’m grateful for my family. Eventhough childhood and puberty were sometimes pretty hard on me, we’ve grown quite close to eachother these last couple of years. It’s a valuable thing to have peace in a family.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Cravings are really intense now. P-flashbacks where it’s like I can hear the girls moaning in my head while also getting images. It’s hard to push them away but no way I’m giving in. The good thing is they come in waves, weakening in strength as I’m determined not to give them even the tinyest of space at all.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021
  6. Keep fighting. You are not your thoughts and you don't have to act on your thoughts.
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  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I got through the day without any slips whatsoever :) feels good.

    Were some stripclub scenes in the serie I was watching. Looked away or skipped the scenes without much trouble :D

    Hardly got anything done in the house, but that’s okay. Can’t expect myself to get everything right when the cravings are so intense.

    - I’m grateful for music. It’s great to have so many things to listen to and get inspired by.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Motivation to get things done is -20. Seriously need to get a routine back in my life. It feels like staying away from PMO is eating away all my energy. Need to focus on recovery since this is just abstinence.

    - I don’t really know what I’m grateful for. To be alive and breathing I guess. Don’t want to repeat the same thing over and over again but my mind is just tired/lazy and I don’t know..

    Tomorrow will probably be a better day
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today is okay, at my gf. Went for a walk today which was cold and windy but still nice. A bit lazy but okay otherwise.

    Decided to lock all casual/entertainment websites and apps during the day. This hopefully will help me be more productive. Can’t allow myself to waste my life on netflix, forums and youtube.

    I hope the tiredness and depression like weight soon disappear.

    - I’m grateful for sleep. Lately my sleep has been pretty good which really helps not feeling so stressed out during the day.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today was a fairly good day. I started with a sort of ‘back to work’ thing. It’s with an organization that specializes in burn-out, chronique fatigue, pain problems, stress, etc. etc.

    I’m in a group with 3 others and there’s always a teamleader in these group meetings. It’s all online due to covid. The groupleader is either a health professional or psychologist. Today we had to discuss our goals. Tomorrow we’ll start with working on our fitness and such. It seems like the right place for me since they also focus on learning what your boundaries are and communicating them.

    - I’m grateful for this program. I feel it can do me a lot of good.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    That does sound promising ! Hope it helps.
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  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I was gonna write something today but then I was busy and forgot about it. Now I can’t remember what I was about to write down.

    Anyways, I’m doing good. The program is good to me. Teaching all kinds of things. Keeping me active, helping me plan, the social part, training mindfulness, etc.

    My resolve is strong. I have no interest in tiny peaks or ogling. I’m 100% hard mode and it’s been good. The shame and guilt is starting to fade. I know where I want to go, and porn use has no future in my lifeplan.

    I’m tired now though and my muscles are sore. Getting back to health and fitness is tiring but fulfilling.

    - Today I’m grateful for being PMO free for two weeks
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    All is well. Still PMO free. Noticing I’m in a flatline which isn’t too bad. It helps get some days in without much temptation and fights :) some urges to M on some days but nothing too crazy.

    Been exercising every day during the week. Giving my body some rest this weekend. Been focussing on my food intake as well to gain some mass in a healthy way.

    I’m also working on discipline. Doing things around the house daily. Learning to balance things better. Letting go of the all-or-nothing mentality is needed to reduce stress and live a happy and healthy life.

    - I’m grateful for my actions. The responsibility I’m taking. Becoming the man I want to be.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Withdrawal is kicking in and I’m having a hard time finding peace. Restlessness, anxiety, half-panic attacks, agitation, stress..

    Thankfully prayer helps! Hope some sleeps will make me feel better
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’m seriously tired. This program is good, but asking a lot as well. I feel confronted with my chronic issues, they don’t go away as easily as I’d hoped. I might need more time than I thought to get back to feeling healthy and fit again. It’s a tough situation to deal with, especially since I’m not numbing myself with porn.

    On a positive note: 3 weeks since last slip. I’m super happy with how I’m making progress lately. It doesn’t feel that hard anymore to get the days in. I remember about half a year ago how hard it was to just get 2 weeks free. I tried reaching 3 weeks of hard-mode for many months but couldn’t achieve it. Now I’m doing 3 weeks directly after my last streak of one month.

    - I’m grateful for my plants. I enjoy taking care of them and they make my home a nicer place to be.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Moodswings. Still clean.

    - grateful that I didn’t feel tired for a couple of hours today
    Pete McVries and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’m in a season where I need to learn to stand up for myself. A lot of things going on with purchases that went wrong and I need my money back, repairs needed, loud neighbours at night, etc. I stand in my right, but I’m not getting it. I can pray for it, but God is not giving me the easy way out. This whole porn problem is wanting things the easy way. Not being able to handle everyday life, so let’s go for some instant gratification... in a way, quitting porn is not just stopping a certain behavior. It’s about learning how to live properly. To develop discipline. To be a man. I’m not going to numb my needs and rights away anymore. I’m standing up for myself in a right manner and will continue to do so.

    4 weeks since last relapse. Almost 4 since last slip. My resolve is good! I love what I’ve learned about my identity and it’s really helping. I’m not a porn addict, the bible says I’m a born again believer, a child of God. I have authority to make the right choices. I’ve been set free from the slavery of sin. My actions should stand in line with my believes, values and identity. Not oppose them. Out with the lies that tell me I’m hopeless, that I don’t have a choice, that I’m an addict for life.

    “Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free”

    - I’m grateful for the lessons I’m learning throughout this reboot.
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I think this is very well stated. That's why it's important not to have an all or nothing mentality and go crazy when relapse occurs. The best thing is to see the big picture and see every day as an opportunity to learn how to live without porn.

    This being said, well done on your progress and efforts. I think you're doing really well lately !
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    One month down and grateful for it :)
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Five weeks down, happy with the progress.

    Haven’t reached this since starting my journal here last year. Haven’t been able to reach 5 weeks of hard-mode for years really.

    Any of you longer abstainers know that feeling of inquisitiveness? That feeling of being thirsty for knowledge and learning new things? It’s slowly coming to me again and I remember it from my longer streaks of years ago. It feels good and I’m happy where I’m heading. I feel a bit smarter, a bit more present, less ashamed, less brain fogged, less anxious.

    It’s only like 10 to 20% better but it feels great feeling these changes come. It’s not always a lineair progress though. Ups and downs happen. They’re part of life too.

    Anyways, grateful for these changes and curious aa to where it might lead.

    stay healthy and safe readers, be blessed!

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