Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Good job on not binging, friend. And good luck for the next days.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    More P and M incl. Edging. Didn’t feel entirely right so closed it down. FMO’d while thinking of my GF.

    Time to make up my mind again. The first step is always getting into the right mindset again. Had some prayer time. Out with the guilt, shame, lust, etc. Time to refocus and get back to being clean.

    - I’m grateful for God’s constant grace. No matter how often I mess up. I know he’s always waiting with open arms for me to come back home.
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  3. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Rooting for you, friend.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm in a similar situation, hopefully we find the way to get going again.
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You know those fights help you understand each other more.
    Keep going. Happy New Year.
    Let's hope a year from now you'll be 368 days free.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Made it a couple of days but just now I relapsed again. I couldn’t seem to get into the same mindset. It’s just chaser after chaser after chaser dragging me further into this pit. In the meanwhile I’m numbed and start to care less and less about wether I do or do not look.

    - I’m grateful for food and fresh drink water. I realize I’m really blessed to have these things every day.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2021
  7. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Sorry for you, friend. Try your best to get back on track, and keep posting here. We all relapsed before going clean for good, it’s part of the process. You will get there too.
    Take care, friend.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Much appreciated Bilbo!
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today is a bad day again. Lots of temptation. Lots of opening and then closing again. I hate this, I want to be free. I don’t want this but I don’t know how to stop going for it. It’s so frustrating and I feel sad :(
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Okay time to end the self-pity. I’m making the right choices again. I reached a month, I can do that again. And more!

    - I’m grateful for my counselor, she helped me a great deal today getting out of my negative self-image and putting me back in my strength
  11. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck, friend. You are on your way, you will get there. And keep posting. Nobody thinks you are into self-pity or that you are weak. We are all struggling, here.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood you did stay clean for a month and now you have 8 days. Applauding ourselves for the small successes is what gives us the strength to keep going.
    The journey, any journey actually, is very rough. The road is all bumpy which makes the journey tiring. The small successes give you a kind of shielding against these hardships. If you don't use those to give you a boost, you'll eventually fall off the wagon. Celebrate these small successes.

    Be Happy! Always!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support guys! It really helps me and it means a lot that you take the time to read and respond. Have a blessed day :)
    Shady and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I feel more in control. Eventhough there are currently no filters up whatsoever and I can look at what I want at any time, there were no slips since tuesday and no relapse since sunday.

    My counselor really woke me up. She was even a bit harsh, telling me I’m not a victim. Seeing myself as a sick man and an addict, but that that’s not who I am. It’s my negative self-image that keeps me in chains, which is a lie. She told me I see myself as a burden, not of a man of value. That leads me to being passive and keep muself isolated. The way I see myself is not who I truly am and it’s not how others see me. I’m not doomed to being an addict. It’s not my identity. I have a choice! I can choose to be passive, let it happen and blame something or someone else. Or I can decide to stand in my strength and make the right decisions.

    That conversation was hard and confronting. But it was exactly what I needed. Now when temptation hits I just speak it out: “No! This is my decision. I’m staying clean”. And then I shift my focus. It’s time to stop seeing myself as a victim.

    - I’m grafeful for good craftsmanship, I just got a new Japanese chefs knife and I love it a lot :) it’s incredibly sharp and a joy to prep food with.
  15. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Sounds good, friend. I agree with you, we have to let go of this idea that we are victims, and learn to live with a new mindset.

    I am also seeing a therapist at the moment. I saw a few in the past, but none of them really helped me. Turns out I have found someone who is able to understand my issues and suggest a few things that resonate in me. So if you found a good therapist and she’s helping you, keep it up. I am happy for you.

    You are doing good, man.
    Doper and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    It's funny you mention this because it's something that I have been thinking as well today and yesterday.

    I think calling myself an ''addict'' is what I often do post relapse in order to sulk. But it's also what makes it easier for me the next time to say ''well I can't resist I'm an addict'' and then choose the wrong decision once more. In fact sometimes after I act out I have an urge to come post on my journal and it's always something like ''I'm such an addict, I'm so fucked up, my life is such a mess, etc'' (and then I delete it realizing there is really no point to that post). But it's basically part of the cycle I think. It's staying stuck in the same pattern.

    Just this morning I tried for the first time the Porn free radio podcast (which used to be mentioned on here from some members a while ago). And I checked out episode 240 (The Difference Between Failure and Results) and he talked exactly about how successful people in recovery are less passive and don't have a victim mindset. They will see a relapse/reset/slip as a ''bad result'' rather then a ''failiure''. They then stop the self blaming (I'm an addict, a victim) and try to see what they can change so they change the results they are getting...
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot @Bilbo Baggins !

    Very insightful @Thelongwayhome27 .
    I know that mindset, especially the ''well I can't resist I'm an addict” type of thinking. It’s a lie we tell ourselves to cope with the cycle of making the wrong decisions over and over again. If it’s not our fault then we can’t be blamed ánd we don’t have to take responsibility to change.

    I really no longer believe in admitting the whole “I AM an addict” type of thing. It has only brought me to a powerless and passive type of mindset. I think a lot of books and groups don’t fully grasp how misleading and downward spiraling that ‘confession’ can be. Admitting that we have a problem and that we need help is something completely different, and I’m all for that!

    Sounds like a great podcast by the way. I listened to a sermon yesterday that was quite similar. It was about: ‘Don’t like the product? Change the process.’ Then he went on about how we often focus on the product that we dislike, while we should be focussing on our habits. If we change our habits, we change the results we are getting. There was a strong focus on not making ‘problems’ your identity but merely a result of our actions. As an example, saying “I’m not a morning person” is easy. You make it your identity so you don’t have to change it. But the truth can be “I’m staying up late, binging netflix, eating unhealthy foods and drinking coffee which results in bad rest, therefore I’m tired in the morning” the latter is much harder to admit, but only by doing so, we can change the outcome.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  18. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    I don't have much to add but I think it's pretty common that in the beginning, when you realize that a vice is causing you problems, the first big streak comes easy. For me the first time I quit drinking was right when I had been drinking huge amounts for years, but didn't really see a problem, then I quit cold turkey, didn't drink for six months, and it was almost effortless. Same with porn for the most part. But maybe you jump back in for whatever reason. Maybe you thought since it was easy to quit that time, it always will be. But then you have some relapses, and then a streak of relapses. Now it's been months or years and you continue to get on good streaks, but relapses are also a commonality. They have become a part of you. Failure has become a part of you. You are addict. A victim.

    A lot of us have been doing this for so long that "porn addict" is how we see ourselves. This enters our mind state every day. And it might be the MOST powerful thing that keeps people in the relapse cycle. A lot of times I swear I almost psyche myself out.

    "Well, I'm at XX number of days clean, come day XX, that's when I relapse, so I'll probably do it again when I get there".

    A self fulfilling prophesy, that didn't exist before we identified as "addicts".

    This victim mentality is the entire basis of AA. It's complete nonsense.
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2021
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Still FPMO free. It feels so good to stand up for myself and make good decisions. I feel like I’m in control.

    - I’m grateful for chicken. Chicken tastes delicious :D
    Shady and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  20. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I'm inviting myself to the discussion to play the devil's advocat for a second. :D

    While I totally agree with all of you that identifying as a porn addict and acquiring a vicitim mindset is contrasting to being helpful, nevertheless, in my mind, it is important to be aware of the fact that your modus operandi will always differ from people who are not addicted to porn. And because of this, even when you have recovered from PIED, or when are on a long streak of not having used porn anymore, porn will always try to lure you back into the hole especially in moments when your guard is down or when you erroneously think you are on your toes.

    What is the best protection against addiction? Don't get addicted in the first place. Once it has manifested and it is fed long enough, it will always unfold to a bigger proportion, even if you are abstinent for years, once you start using again. It is like that with all addictions, is it not? For example, I've smoked a few joints around the days of new year's eve (first time in 2 years) when I stayed at my girlfriend's place. Once it was time for me to head back to my place, I made sure to give away the rest of the weed and the bag of tobacco to a friend because I know how hard the stuff is calling me when I have it around. And I wasn't even the biggest dope-head or tobacco smoker when I used to smoke years ago. It is also worth mentioning that I had addictive thoughts of secretly taking it back to my place and just pretend to my partner that I had given it away. What's one sign of addiction? Doing it in secret. Neglecting these things can be very dangerous and might cause you to rush headlong into disaster with your eyes open. Making yourself aware of the consequence of your actions is important and gives you the power to do the right thing. It is the opposite of being a victim. It is making the best of something that could have been worse. The sooner you become aware of what's happening, the easier it is to act. Because guess what will become of you, once you ended up in the snakepit with the addiction tangled up around you? A victim.

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