Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good job, man. That was a tough situation, but you did the right thing. That’s the counterpart with blockers: it becomes a challenge to find your way through them. I personally don’t use any, but I know they are helpful for many others.

    Happy holidays to you, friend.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    So I made it to one month no porn, fantasy and masturbation.

    The hard mode failed though. This weekend I’ve had sex with my girlfriend twice. I think it was too early in my reboot cause I can definitely feel the negative impact of it. I didn’t want to have sex at first but she was really horny and kept looking for it. At a certain point I couldn’t handle it anymore and went for it. I feel stupid now because I can’t stop wishing I could look at some porn now. My resolve is almost gone. My strength and willpower seem gone. I’m super lazy as well, can’t seem to get anything done.

    I should’ve waited longer. Hope it hasn’t set me too far back in my reboot.

    - Today i’m grateful for clothes. I never have to be cold or worrying about not being able to wear anything.
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Got into a fight with my girlfriend. Turns out she was reading my journal. She felt blamed in the above entry, I felt like she was not respecting my privacy. I couldn’t handle the drama so I started looking for porn. Found a gap in the security. Some p-subs, some P some M. Thankfully the filters were still somewhat working so most of the stuff I couldn’t see, keeping me from a full binge to one or multiple O’s.

    Anyways. I need this journal to be a place where I can vent. Type what I go trough as I journey towards freedom from porn-addiction. I can only do that if I don’t have to watch what I write, afraid of what she might think. For me, YBR is supposed to be a place where I can connect with other recovering addicts and to let it be a tool in this battle. She promised to stay away from I’m happy with that.

    Luckily the fight is over, time to breach the gap in my filters and reset the counter.
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2020
  4. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good job on not binging, friend. And good luck for the next days.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    More P and M incl. Edging. Didn’t feel entirely right so closed it down. FMO’d while thinking of my GF.

    Time to make up my mind again. The first step is always getting into the right mindset again. Had some prayer time. Out with the guilt, shame, lust, etc. Time to refocus and get back to being clean.

    - I’m grateful for God’s constant grace. No matter how often I mess up. I know he’s always waiting with open arms for me to come back home.
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  6. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Rooting for you, friend.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm in a similar situation, hopefully we find the way to get going again.
  8. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You know those fights help you understand each other more.
    Keep going. Happy New Year.
    Let's hope a year from now you'll be 368 days free.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Made it a couple of days but just now I relapsed again. I couldn’t seem to get into the same mindset. It’s just chaser after chaser after chaser dragging me further into this pit. In the meanwhile I’m numbed and start to care less and less about wether I do or do not look.

    - I’m grateful for food and fresh drink water. I realize I’m really blessed to have these things every day.
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2021
  10. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Sorry for you, friend. Try your best to get back on track, and keep posting here. We all relapsed before going clean for good, it’s part of the process. You will get there too.
    Take care, friend.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Much appreciated Bilbo!
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Today is a bad day again. Lots of temptation. Lots of opening and then closing again. I hate this, I want to be free. I don’t want this but I don’t know how to stop going for it. It’s so frustrating and I feel sad :(
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Okay time to end the self-pity. I’m making the right choices again. I reached a month, I can do that again. And more!

    - I’m grateful for my counselor, she helped me a great deal today getting out of my negative self-image and putting me back in my strength
  14. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck, friend. You are on your way, you will get there. And keep posting. Nobody thinks you are into self-pity or that you are weak. We are all struggling, here.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood you did stay clean for a month and now you have 8 days. Applauding ourselves for the small successes is what gives us the strength to keep going.
    The journey, any journey actually, is very rough. The road is all bumpy which makes the journey tiring. The small successes give you a kind of shielding against these hardships. If you don't use those to give you a boost, you'll eventually fall off the wagon. Celebrate these small successes.

    Be Happy! Always!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support guys! It really helps me and it means a lot that you take the time to read and respond. Have a blessed day :)
    Shady and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I feel more in control. Eventhough there are currently no filters up whatsoever and I can look at what I want at any time, there were no slips since tuesday and no relapse since sunday.

    My counselor really woke me up. She was even a bit harsh, telling me I’m not a victim. Seeing myself as a sick man and an addict, but that that’s not who I am. It’s my negative self-image that keeps me in chains, which is a lie. She told me I see myself as a burden, not of a man of value. That leads me to being passive and keep muself isolated. The way I see myself is not who I truly am and it’s not how others see me. I’m not doomed to being an addict. It’s not my identity. I have a choice! I can choose to be passive, let it happen and blame something or someone else. Or I can decide to stand in my strength and make the right decisions.

    That conversation was hard and confronting. But it was exactly what I needed. Now when temptation hits I just speak it out: “No! This is my decision. I’m staying clean”. And then I shift my focus. It’s time to stop seeing myself as a victim.

    - I’m grafeful for good craftsmanship, I just got a new Japanese chefs knife and I love it a lot :) it’s incredibly sharp and a joy to prep food with.
  18. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Sounds good, friend. I agree with you, we have to let go of this idea that we are victims, and learn to live with a new mindset.

    I am also seeing a therapist at the moment. I saw a few in the past, but none of them really helped me. Turns out I have found someone who is able to understand my issues and suggest a few things that resonate in me. So if you found a good therapist and she’s helping you, keep it up. I am happy for you.

    You are doing good, man.
    Doper and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    It's funny you mention this because it's something that I have been thinking as well today and yesterday.

    I think calling myself an ''addict'' is what I often do post relapse in order to sulk. But it's also what makes it easier for me the next time to say ''well I can't resist I'm an addict'' and then choose the wrong decision once more. In fact sometimes after I act out I have an urge to come post on my journal and it's always something like ''I'm such an addict, I'm so fucked up, my life is such a mess, etc'' (and then I delete it realizing there is really no point to that post). But it's basically part of the cycle I think. It's staying stuck in the same pattern.

    Just this morning I tried for the first time the Porn free radio podcast (which used to be mentioned on here from some members a while ago). And I checked out episode 240 (The Difference Between Failure and Results) and he talked exactly about how successful people in recovery are less passive and don't have a victim mindset. They will see a relapse/reset/slip as a ''bad result'' rather then a ''failiure''. They then stop the self blaming (I'm an addict, a victim) and try to see what they can change so they change the results they are getting...
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot @Bilbo Baggins !

    Very insightful @Thelongwayhome27 .
    I know that mindset, especially the ''well I can't resist I'm an addict” type of thinking. It’s a lie we tell ourselves to cope with the cycle of making the wrong decisions over and over again. If it’s not our fault then we can’t be blamed ánd we don’t have to take responsibility to change.

    I really no longer believe in admitting the whole “I AM an addict” type of thing. It has only brought me to a powerless and passive type of mindset. I think a lot of books and groups don’t fully grasp how misleading and downward spiraling that ‘confession’ can be. Admitting that we have a problem and that we need help is something completely different, and I’m all for that!

    Sounds like a great podcast by the way. I listened to a sermon yesterday that was quite similar. It was about: ‘Don’t like the product? Change the process.’ Then he went on about how we often focus on the product that we dislike, while we should be focussing on our habits. If we change our habits, we change the results we are getting. There was a strong focus on not making ‘problems’ your identity but merely a result of our actions. As an example, saying “I’m not a morning person” is easy. You make it your identity so you don’t have to change it. But the truth can be “I’m staying up late, binging netflix, eating unhealthy foods and drinking coffee which results in bad rest, therefore I’m tired in the morning” the latter is much harder to admit, but only by doing so, we can change the outcome.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.

Share This Page