Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gilgamesh, Feb 16, 2019.
Hi, Gilgamesh! You seem to be doing great.
I had a great day yesterday. One of those days which I only have when abstaining for relativelt longer periods. Despite the lack off sleep my mind was sharp and I had a natural big smile on my face the whole day. Like sometimes it is so hard to smile, yesterday it was hard not to smile. This had an enourmous effect on the interaction with people. Only bringing my son to daycare I had had ready 3 really nice conversations with other parents. Then at work this continued througout the day. I had to speak to many people and get a lot done. My smile and attitude made everything go so smoothly. I can only describe it as 'lust for life'. My interaction with some women felt very sexual. But not focused on my or their sexual body parts, but just the exchange of energy itself. I felt in in my chest instead of my crotch. A beutiful light energy. Although thinkinh of it, now I feel it in my crotch...... uhm.... should be aware for urges today.......
@Saville: nice to hear how you dealt with that situation. It is a matter of practice I guess and the more we do it the more natural it gets. We have to think before we act upon or natural tendencys to please and back down.
@titan_transcendence: it makes me very happy to see you posting more frequently and in my journal . Thanks man!
I wrote a couple of times about my sweating problem. Work stress/ anxiety makes me sweat under my armpits. Have to change my shirt multiple times a workday. But now I have tried an aluminum-based spray against perspiration. It works so well! Have been dry for 3 days. I feel awesome and confident. It even feels like I am calmer and less stressed.
Felt some tiny urges coming from very deep down. Someone offered me a glass of wine today. For a millisecond I thought: if I take wine, I have an excuse to F- or PMO. This is how this shit works. Gil not stupid, Gil say no to alcohol!
Maybe you want to look at what aluminum does to you . Try arm and hammer baking soda with no aluminum Not trying to scare anyone but aluminum is spelled " cancer!"
Well, that possible effect was the reason why I didnt use it before. But I really looked into it and there is just no study that shows such effect and the studies that have been done show that the aluminum doesnt enter your body (above background concentrations). Aluminum led to cancer in mouse cells when it was injected in very high concentrations.
Fear sells. Could it be that this roomer has been spread by the companies that sell cosmetics without aluminum?
It does dry out the skin a bit, so won't use it all the time, but it is a blessing for me.
Ok, look at WHO PAYED FOR THE STUDIES ! In many cases the folks doing the studies have a vested interest in the studies and they need to be positive for them. Like the American beef council saying beef is ok for you. The reports that beef is loaded with pesticides is scientific nonsense. Fear sells? Well ok it does! Like the cigarette companies scientists swearing before Congress that cigs are not bad for you that it's all a profit motive and that the negative reports are just done to create fear in the public. What do you think just fear mongering by the studies being done? If you choose to use aluminum deodorants thats your decision to make.
I think a little bit of aluminum deodorant is OK over the short-haul. We here have so many things going on that it's hard to be perfect on all fronts. I hear what @Bobo is saying and I have personally stopped using deodorant for the most part. No wonder my wife won't sleep me! But, I still take a PPI to control my acid reflux and I know these things are BAD. I've tried stopping, but I can't control the burning otherwise. Sometimes we have to choose our poison, if only for a time, until we get other things sorted out.
Thanks @Bobo for your concern. Indeed you should never just trust such studies, especially if they concern chemical industry. Our @#$% European Union now just decided to keep allowing the use of certain really harmful pesticides. They have been shown to be hormone disrupting, especially for children by peef reviewed journals, but the lobbyists with their own internal reports have been able to convince the European Commission otherwise. By the way, they are the same chemicals that are in our plastics and even shopping or parking receipts (never put those in your mouth!). As @Saville said, there is so much detrimental stuff around. I have a bit of experience with assessing such studies and I dare take the risk with the aluminum. But thanks anyway! And for sure I will now think of you everytime I put it under my armpits. No thanks for that .
Today whole day with the babies and my mother. Not feeling very masculin now, but nonetheless a very rewarding day. Realize that I have done a great job in the last years to let go of the past.
Just got an email from my boss about something I requested. Something I should reasonably get, especially after waiting for an answer for such long time. Not going to get it, he says. Feel super pissed off. So angry. Feel like quitting, but that would just be self-pity, passive agressive behaviour. Been there, done that. Too often. I will show the @#$%^ that they cant go around me. I will be an ass and get what I want. At least I will not back down that easily.
Yup--- I try to stay informed though. Sometimes its really scary how it seems that the bottom line of dollars overrides every thing even health. I for one admit that I dont really pay attention to the drug pushers, I mean doctors! Things that seem to be sensible are not doctors tell you. Admittedly, they dont like me when I tell them its my body, you tell me and I will make the decision.
You might check into that. I believe acid reflux is caused by not enough stomach acid not too much that the medical complex tells you. Hey, you're not a doctor, oh sorry Mr. Rockefeller! LOL! I use peppermint oil in water like 5 drops when I get it, I don't usually but ----Each of us has his or her own beliefs but as long as the her beliefs include opening legs for me that's ok!
Despite quite OK sleep I feel like a wreck, both physically and mentally. Black and white difference with Tuesday. I feel down and angry and with no energy at all. It may be the work situation (handling that really well today though), but realize that both my really 'up' (almost manic) moment last tuesday and this shit feeling must be partly part of the reboot. My brain is changing its physiology, giving high ups and low downs.
Realizing that if you want something you have to @#$% fight for it. If you back dowm to easily people will not do anything for you. You have to be a pain im the ass and show you dont give up tjat easily. People generally don't give a shit about you and are merely concerned with their own struggles. You have to let the world know what you want and that you will do anything for it. There is no other way.
Now I am more 'out there' I realize how often I collide with people. It is a part of life, because we all want something and that leads to conflict. In this world you should get used to it. The other way to to stay anxious at home, which was my second nature and this is what I will change!
Another challenging but satisfying day. Getting more comfortable with difficult people and breaking free of their opinions is definitely a necessity for me to be able to overcome my addiction.
Dead tired. Kids sleeping, Gil out.... zzzzzzz
Yes, this is important, we must stand up for ourselves. But, we have to let ourselves know what we want. This distinction is important for me. This way I know I feel confident talking with others, because in my heart I know it's good.
Hope you had a great sleep!
Tried to look up the YBOP website, but found it hard to find by google. Only found anti-YBOP and anti-Gary Wilson sites and articles. When I finally found it I also found an article about the anti-YBOP campaigns which seem to be coming from porn industry. This is terrible. It is expectable, but still shocking to me and so ethically wrong.
Got to go, later more...
The reason I looked up YBOP is that I wanted to read stuff on flatline. Think I had flatline the last 2 weeks or so. But last night I woke up twice (for feeding the babys) with almost no space in bed because of the huge piece of wood that was there. Felt like touching it a bit, but fortunately the loud crying made it shrink quite fast . Ok, so 1) the brain is changing, and 2) I can expect some turmoil from now on. I am ready to fight!
I like this. Will give this thought. I guess you mean that too often we are being lead by what others want or by our instant gratification monster.....
And yes, sleeping better and better. Thanks!
I haven't visited YBOP since 2013, but I remember that even back then, the majority was clearly anti. It doesn't surprise me that things haven't changed, or turned even worse. The P industry involves too much money and can easily shut us down. It reminds me of how the UCI probably turned a blind eye to doping in cycling because of how much money circulated in the 90s and Armstrong days. But even if we may not be heard, we know that we're doing the right thing.
Not looking forward to work today. With everything I do I will think of my long term goals. Not going to be bothered with trivial stuff and trivial people.....
Feeling a bit like learning to cycle without sidewheels. I can do it, but it feels scary. On the one hand I feel very confident and I connect so well with people now, but on the other hand I fear what may come. My progress lies really in the 'learning to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable'. So many things make me feel uncomfortable: the situation with my father, tension at work with people, general work stress, looking for a new house this year, unresolved emotions, son having bad day at daycare, etc. The thing is that these things are a normal part of life. There is always tension. I just have to get comfortable with it. I am not fapping these things away now. They are all there at the same time. Learning to get used to it. Rambling, rambling, not sure where I am going.
Also feeling good, energized, and that despite the still broken nights. Good connection with my wife. We are really an efficient couple kids-and-household-wise and even find time for a bit of kissing and cuddling. My god, I sound like niceguy, but it is not that. I feel very manly and our interaction/attraction is awesome. Very interesting. Anti-perspirant is awesome. Not only the shame of sweaty armpits is gone, but I am also less cold and dehydrated at work and have more energy after work.
Ok should stop now
Great day. Very good interaction with people. I was not worried about my impression or what people thought of me. No anxiety, self-consciousness or distraction. I was sharp, really listened to people, and responded naturally. All very positive.
In a similar way as @Outsider. just mentioned in his journal, porn is now just no issue. Just living.
Also I feel I am getting visual and emotional flashbacks of the past lately. Just accepting this and letting it go when it is ready to go feels like healing. I feel like I am growing.
Reminding what an old professor of mine once said: keep your back straight, don't back down, even if everyone disagrees with you. I feel like that right now somehow. Even though everything goes really well, there's a lot of little things that can shake me off my feet. I have the strenght and have to keep finding the strength to keep my back straight.
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