Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gilgamesh, Feb 16, 2019.
Ok define relapse!
@LetsReclaimLife and @Bobo, it is personal for everyone what relapse is. For me it has to do with intensity. PMO obviously is relapse to me, but a very intense session of fantasy MO as well. Atm resetting counter with PM or O.
But anyway, since I started in 2012 I keptl falling back to P. Most people who come here do. I have only seen a handful of people coming by which were able to quit porn. Others are either still on their way or left the board.
I am sure that everyone who comes by and everyone who (like me) is still around) has improved their life to a certain extent, but nonetheless still struggling
Feeling a bit unstable. Not really aroused or with strong urges, but notice that light urges to ogle or fantasize pop up every now and then. Felt really attracted to my female office mate today (not bad on itself, but must not let it lead to fantasies) and had to be quite tough with myself not to ogle a girl in the street (this did give me a great rush of energy and confidence though).
Feeling more masculin and confident, like always when abstaining. Still in need of sleep. A lot of sleep. Yesterday I almost had an accident for not seeing a car with priority. Sleep deprivation is dangerous. Have to take care.
Need to fix my workstress. On just 4 hours I had to change my sweater twice due to excessive sweating. Really wet. So fed up with it.
You're dealing bro'! Good job!
Sleep is so important. The meds that messed me up had a side effect of letting me sleep. All my life I've been somewhat an insomniac. Unfortunately, the meds made me careless. I could have lopped a finger off while cutting vegetables and not noticed. Personally, I think I need to try to get on the regular workout schedule, AGAIN. That would probably help me alleviate stress and sleep. @Gilgamesh have you ever tried any guided sleep meditations? Maybe not for you because you have the kids and you don't want headphones on in bed. I've been meaning to give that a go. I don't know what your job is, but I got advice from an old boss that stuck with me. "Nobody dies in marketing." I still try to remind myself of that today. It's dangerous for someone like me to do the "What's the worst possible thing that could happen" game, but it works.
I'm not trying to get you to slack off, haha. When I do the "worst thing" out loud, or on paper, I see how I'm stressing myself out. "If I don't answer this email right away, they'll think I'm incompetent, my boss will find out when they lose the client, I'll be fired. They'll black ball me and I'll never work again. I'll lose the house. My parents will find out I'm a loser. The wife will leave me. I'll be forced to live on the streets and get hit by a bus." It's a bad example, but going all the way through it helps me relax a bit because 80% of that is never going to happen realistically. Getting it out of my head and in the open relieves the stress. Sorry, I don't want to doctor you, just help because I'm thinking of you.
Many people gave me a big smile today. Dont know if it was my positive attitude or my wild haircut of rushing in the morning. The babies let us sleep a bit longer last night. Wife and I both on a very good mood. Also when I came back from work we had a lot of fun. As I noticed many times before: abstaining makes the interaction with my wife better, more polar, more playful.
Yesterday at work I had a meeting and had to discuss PMO, which here stand for something medical. It was really really awkward to say the word PMO out loud in a group of people. It felt like exposing myself, eventhough it was something completely different, lol
Thanks so much @MissingSelfCompassion. I find it hard to pinpoint why I am so stressed. I like the phrase "nobody dies in marketing". My work does indeed feel like an unsafe place. I think it is a combination of social anxiety and fail anxiety. I can't reason with these fears. I am exposing myself, i.e. not staying in my comfort zone, but it just doesn't really seem to get better.
What about changing job? Looks very stressful so I ask the question..
Is the job itself stressful and the company you work for?
I have been thinking about that, but I am afraid that I would have that with any job that I would like or care about. It sounds like a contradiction, I know. On the one hand I need the challenge, but on the other hand I feel not at place.
Last year I did a lot of field work at sea. On the ship there's a completely different culture than at the office, and I noticed I felt more comfortable with the people and was not sweating. At the same time the work there got boring to me after a while.
I must find a way to deal with it. Get comfortable with people around me. Get comfortable with my tasks. It is all in my head. It is all what I believe about myself, thinking that I am not worth it, that I am an imposter, that I am not part of the community.
You are definitely worth it, but in some ways we are all imposters. We have not allowed our inner selves to emerge and shine. This takes work. We must figure out what's important for us and not be afraid to live that. Slowly, incrementally, we begin to find ourselves on firmer ground.
To add to what @Saville is saying, maybe this is a life-long process. There's an immediacy within me to make change. I've identified that I feel like an imposter and than I have no worth. The solution is to find worth. Ideally, once I have found that things will get better for me, right? Hmm. Maybe it's not black and white like that. Maybe I need to adjust my thinking to "I want to feel as if I have worth some of the time."
I don't know about you, but I think this is where my current struggle is. Like, I can observe this low self-worth in me. Ouch. It hurts to be with. So, I'm not going to touch it. I'm going on a quest to find my worth. That will fix me. After reading that, maybe I need to spend more time with the emotion and let it be.
Yes, exactly this. During eg holidays or I find it so easy to know what I want and need, but then being back in daily life things get so complicated so quickly again..... shedding of the habit of fantasy and PM will help me stay in reality and help me live my life to my values.
Actually last night in bed I really felt a miserable feeling in between my chest and belly. Was thinking: where dies that come from? What thought initiated that feeling? But it was just there, surfacing from the deep. It was a feeling assiciated to worthlessness. I just accepted it for what it was. I was sleepy enough to fall asleep anyway. No need to self-medicate. Next time I will accept it again.
Yesterday so much anger and frustration with the lack of sleep and crying babies. Felt I was going to explode. Today same conditions but feeling good. Maybe reboot related.
Feel that the dopamin tap is a bit more open. Tiny urges to fantasize. Not giving in. It is a fight I cant win. The pleasure of abstaining is a lot larger and long-lived than the pleasure of acting out.
I'm glad today is slightly better - this is a tough hike some days!
So true. Here is a quote from Will Smith on discipline:
"I think the word discipline has kind of gotten a bad name. We think about it in terms of punishment. I’m not talking about discipline in that way. I’m talking about discipline in the sense that you forgot immediate pleasure in exchange for long-term self-respect.”
Nothing to add
You can win. You already have. Listen man, some men with 2 new colic babies go bananas! Cant deal and throw the whole thing on the wife. You dont do that --- the tiny urges to fantasy are or may be because you are so sleep deprived. If not you will deal with it, you are a lot stronger than you think.
Spot on. I'm in a much better place, yet not free of the addiction. Is it my fault for not trying hard enough, or is it simply the nature of the addiction? Unless I completely enter eremite mode, triggers will be there, everywhere. That may be the biggest reason why so many of us still struggle after all these years. Still, hope remains.
23 days without porn, fantasy, masturbation or orgasm. I think this is the first time I am doing this without having sex with my wife. It may be easier so far due to less chaser effect.
Relly succesful in not using fantasy or ogling. Keeping that door closed, because I know where it leads.
Told my landlord today a bit angry that I was fed up with something. She promised to arrange it. Felt a bit guilty afterwards and felt like apologizing. Realize theres nothing to feel guilty about. It is the nice guy syndrom that doesnt want this discomfort. Decided to accept these feelings and patted myself on the back for standing up for myself. No PMO definitely helps me to stand up for myself, keep my back straight and not take shit from people.
Thanks so much @Lowdo, @Outsider., @Bobo and @Eternity for your feedback. Really appreciate it!
LOL @ this
We are battling a powerful opponent here. By denying ourselves the familiar dopamine rush we are effectively dealing with a chemical withdrawal. But the end result will be so worth it, keep going.
This is important! I had a similar experience the other day with my neighbor, also a woman. It's a long story, but I put her in place in a calm, but firm manner, and she went back to her house with her nose up in the air. I felt badly afterwards. I thought that perhaps I could have been gentler in my approach...this was the nice guy talking. She had accused me of something that was patently untrue and I'm feeling bad?
It takes time getting used to being a normal human. We're allowed to stand up for ourselves. We don't have to make abusive people feel better so that everyone is happy.
You did well!
Separate names with a comma.