Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks MSC.

    I think that that is it: I am giving it space. It has always been there, but mostly projected it on others and other things. I am accepting it and breathing towards it.

    I also had issues with my mother. She was dominant and hyper (man hating) feministic. Worked quite succesfully on that already and have a good relationship with her now. She has also changed. I have to get this anger towards my father out. He will not change. I just have to figure out what to do: still seeing him for my children, what to do when he gets sick or needs help otherwise (he has no one else), etc. Continuing as we have been doing before is not good for me. That would not be fair to me.
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    One week in again! It is nothing, I know. Especially regarding the fact that I am here since 2012. On the other hand, my relationship with (P)MO completely changed. I was strongly under its spell and affected me in daily life and relationships. Now its influence is only minor. (P)MOing feels more like drinking a bit too much and having a light hangover. I suck it up and do what I have to do.

    But, I know that I am not living to my full potential and that my (P)MO habit is the most important causal factor. Besides, as long as I keep the flame burning, there's chance I will fall into even more risky and damaging behaviour like cheating/prostitutes. I have to take this seriously.

    Why are some rebooters here succesful and others (like me and more than 90% on this board) caught in endless cycles of relapse? It feels to me that is has to do with maturity. I have to mature. I have to get rid of that feeling that I can do things that dont go with my values whem no one knows about it, or under special conditions. E.g. it is late at night, I am stressed, I am alone, just once doesn't harm, etc.

    I have what it takes, I have the willpower, the conditions are optimal, there's so much love in my life right now, I can do this.
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member


    Yes you can! Love or no love from another but love from you to you!
     
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  4. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Remember also, we're individuals. My nose doesn't look like yours, or anyone else's on this forum. Our brain chemistry is just as different. So is our personal histories. From the few exchanges here, I think you're pretty mature. I don't think maturity is solely the issue for every gambler, drinker, or drug user. Stress is a big one for most of us addicts. I'm only reaching out, and trying to offer alternatives because of my own experience. Thoughts like you just expressed feel so familiar-- "I should, I must, I have to." It's very similar to the male BS were fed as boys, "Man Up!"

    The stories you've shared in your journal about your family, kids, and dealing with you parents make me think you're pretty damn mature. I am sure I uttered, "Wow, look at everything he's got going on and he can also abstain? What's my problem?" Well, there I go beating myself up. So that's one issue for me. Next, let me look at maturity for myself. Yeah, maybe I haven't grown up. Actually, I was just thinking about this the other day and started writing about it for my mental health blog, and forgot about it. My idea was that there's no such thing as "adulting." You don't wake up one day knowing how to buy a house or pay the bills. It all comes with experience. By perceiving tasks like that as difficult, and something I'm not good at, or labeling it "adulting," I'm keeping myself in that immature status in my head.

    @Bobo 's advice is spot on and so much more concise than mine. I can certainly use it too.
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    As adults, meaning persons of a certain age, we must allow that our parents were/are flawed. They are products of a fucked up society and family life. They had few tools. They didn't know how to be a functional couple and didn't understand how to just love their kids. They did the best with what they had. It would be wonderful if our parents had been introspective and desired change, like those of us on this board, but that is so rare. My folks are dead now, but I learned to love my mom even though I did not like how she behaved. As a person who was deeply hooked on P and sex I understand now how hard it is to break the bonds that bind.

    The absolutely wonderful thing is you have the opportunity to break the generational curse with your children. As an aware parent you will create enlightened kids, which will be a huge boon to society. :) The past is over. No, your dad will not change and it is not necessary that he changes. Your journey is one without him.

    Yes, you do. We all do! What does that mean? It means following our own journey. Sounds like a cliche and it is. But, cliches exists because there is an element of truth to them. What does following our journey mean? For us, on this forum, it means giving up PMO and MO. It means realizing that recovery is an "active" process. We must do things that are affirmative. What does that mean? It means, to me, taking care of the little jobs around the house. That's where I started. The piece of trim that I never finished. The bit of painting that I left for another day. The windows that are unwashed, etc. It is the little things that weigh us down, that rob us of our energy. We don't have to pick the right thing, we just have to pick one thing and do it. The wife may say "why are you doing that when this needs done?" What I say is "good point, honey, I'll probably do that next. Thanks for pointing it out." I may, or may not, do what she complained about. I don't care what she wants done, because it is never about her; just like it's never about our parents. This, to me, is growing up. I'm in charge of me.

    This is my take on it. You're asking all the right questions, Gil.
     
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks so much @MissingSelfCompassion and @Saville.

    Exhausted. Only little sleep, but managing well at home and work. Managing my emotions really well. Staying calm, which gives me a lot of confidence. This feels like an aspect of maturity as well.

    No fantasies or ogling. It's a fight I can't win.
     
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  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member



    Why not? If you retrain the brain you can. Do you control the brain or does it control you ? Perhaps a serious question to ponder?
     
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  8. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    My mother seems similar to yours. Jesse Lee Petersen has a few good Videos on Youtube about this. In conclusion he says something like: We as sons of weak fathers and strong mothers take often the Feelings of our mothers over. We start to feel like our mothers. Full of Anger towards our fathers. In reality we would never hate or feel Angry towards our fathers if it was not because of the Feelings of our mothers. A Boy would not feel resentments against his Father in cases like the following: The mother tells the son, your Father is working to much, he should be here for your foodball game or for the dinner, why cant he be here on time, again your Father is late, your Father never thinks that we wanted to go to the park or Things like that. A Boy loves his Father, but ofhen if the mother is Angry and the Father weak, takes over the emotions and Feelings of his mother.
    I learned and can see it clearly now, that my Father is and was very weak. They are both still alive and when I visit them it is so clear now. In my case my Father is very compasionate and emotional and my mother is Cold and dominant.
    As Saville said, they did the best they could, but that doesnt mean that we should not see or recognize the truth.
     
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  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    After almost 2 weeks of no FPM or O, I woke up with an erection and very horney. Tried to 'breath up' the sexual energy while squeezing my PC muscles. Dont know if it worked, but calmed down and erection went away.

    Sleeping still only minimally. Both babies have colics. Wife and I both overexhausted. Feel like a wreck. Hope things get better soon.

    Guys, sorry for nit posting/ responding. I appreciate it so much, but cant find the time. Will make it up later!
     
    Saville likes this.
  10. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I don't know man. I think this has to do with a ton of factors. For example: some people might be succesful because they feel inspired by their God(s) and some might be unsuccesful because they feel like they are hellbound puny humain beings because of their 'sinful fantasies'. In your own case I can imagine the birth of the twins can be an extra motivation, but on the other hand the stress, the lack of sleep and your wife being a terrifying woman after childbirth can also lead you to slips:) Therefore I don't think that succes is based on one aspect, but of multiple aspects that click together at the right moment. And sometimes that means being succesful is just a matter of luck.

    I do think there are some solid things you can work on though that make it more likely to succeed. To me for example getting close to my values (like what you wrote about too) is something that helps a lot, but also getting a healthier relationship with success and failure. This is I guess something a lot of people on here struggle with. I mean: staying clean from porn for the rest of our lives is likely to be success, but isn't a 2 week streak success as well? Still, over and over again we beat ourselves up when we have a slip. Very often I find that the slip itself doesn't really effect me at all, but the thoughts and feelings I have about the slip, well, they bring me down and regularly lead to another slip.
     
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  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate and agree with that.
     
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  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I have once read someone calling this the internal parent or internal judge. We should not listen. We make our own values now. Maybe that is part of maturity as well: shedding off our past and stop listening to our internal parents.....
     
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I have the feeling I could act more maturily towards my father. That would be talking to him and show him where my line is, ie tell him the conditions of our relationship. I will leave it for later. I dont think I love him. Atm only feel anger and guilt towards him.

    Been thinking a lot about maturity. One important aspect for me (what I find mature in a person) is integrity. I love this definition (quote): Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching
     
    Saville likes this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Fantasy and ogling is for me really opening the gate to acting out (PMO or worse). Or actually I think it is acting out. Enjoying the presence of a beautiful women, even her sexual energy, is different than the fixation on body parts which ogling and fantasy for me is.

    In the sexual extacy book I like the yin yang explanation. Of how the male fire should boil the female water instead of being extinguished by it and that the female/yin/water us so much stronger. That is how I came to 'the fight I can't win'. With ogling and fantasy I go directly to being extinguished. Abstaining from that makes my fire stronger.
     
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks, will check out Peterson. Actually my whole life I have felt sorry for my dad. Seeing him as a poor victim. That was what he communicated to the outside world. Even felt/feel guilt. But only recently my eyes are open. I could see him for what he really is. Still a poor guy, but also someone who never took resposibility and demands things from others (me) that he has never given himself. I have never really known him that well, so I have filled in the blanks. Now I see I did a poor job in that.
     
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good observation. It is largely about conditions. Still I guess we are also really well able to create the right conditions ourselves.
     
    Living likes this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep on truckin'! :)
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Oh, I do agree about that. That's what I meant with stuff like working towards values. I don't think you can create all conditions, but there is more than enough to work on and although sometimes that might not lead to the right 'click', it without a doubt increases your chances of that click. And in the meanwhile you're in enriching your life in general too.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not much to report. Feeling tired. Looking forward to sleep.

    Wife and I are a good team. I love her. In between the hectic moments of the day I can see her beauty. Wouldnt have felt this way if I was (P)MOing these days......
     
    Outsider. likes this.
  20. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    relapse means what .. PMO or MO ? .. but good thing is you are still trying and not giving up ....
     

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