Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Just checking in. Hope all is well with you and your family and that the addiction is fading more and more into the background.

    Take care
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @NewStart19 :)

    Addiction-wise things are not perfect. I think that since my last post I have been checking porn and/ or masturbating once a week or so. Not so severe, but I do feel the effects of it. On most other fronts I am doing quite well though. The kids are sleeping better, so I am sleeping better and that means that I am less irritable, calmer, more motivated in general and well, just more relaxed. Family dynamics are really good. Also my wife and I are doing well. We're having sex regularly and we're a good team when it comes down to managing work, family, chores, etc. Emotionally I am a bit wobbly. I decided to break contact with my father permanently. It is a difficult choice, because it also affects the rest of the family, but it is really the best for me. I realize how much emotional bagage I still have from the past that I haven't dealt with yet, and I can't do that when my father has a place in my life. Lately I am often just sitting, trying to feel how I felt when I was young when my father abandoned and rejected me. It is difficult to stick with those feelings and a lot of tears are coming out and are still to come. But I have to go through with it. It is the only way for me to be able to live a life to my values and not carry my past shit over to the next generation. I think it is also the only way to overcome my social anxiety and my porn addiction. Physically I am doing awesome. For the last 5 weeks I have been doing yoga and 10 minute work-outs on a daily basis. Just doing it when I am in the living room with the kids. It is fun and I feel more flexible and stronger already. For now yoga is just easier to fit in than meditation, but it has quite the same effects I think. And on the work-front i am also doing OK. Been in the lab a lot lately and got a lot of data to work with now. So, all in all quite busy. That is also a reason I have not been so active here lately. Been reading other's journals every now and then though. Hope everyone is fine.

    I hope you're fine as well @NewStart19! Looking forward to an update in your journal as well.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Great update @Gil79. Very nice to read all this and thanks for sharing.
    Gil79 and NewStart19 like this.
  4. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Congradulations ! Sounds like you're on the up side GIL79!
    Gil79 and NewStart19 like this.
  5. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Well this addiction isn't everything (although for me it sometimes feels that way), and from what you've written it seems that life is going well--a combination of good luck (kids are sleeping better), great action (exercise, yoga, spousal collaboration, work), and important decisions (your relationship with your father).

    Keep inspiring others Gil. If not on this forum, then out there in the real world with those that you directly interact with.

    Take care
    Gil79 and Living like this.
  6. realness

    realness Active Member

    Good stuff Gil. It's interesting that you're choosing PMO every week or so. I'm in a two week cycle. I'm pondering how I am justifying that in my head. Like you said, it's not too terrible but we feel the effects. I'm just pondering that in my head and in a lot of ways were are traveling the same path right now with kids and dealing with PMO. Thanks for coming here and sharing your story.
    Gil79, Pete McVries and NewStart19 like this.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Good to hear things are going well! That decission with your father must have been tough, but from what you wrote in the past I can imagine that this is something you need to do.

    I was wondering about this. When you say you do feel the effects of it, to what extent do you think these are caused by addiction and to what extent do you think this is because of how you feel about this behaviour. Reason why I'm asking is that on a lot of fronts you seem to do well. In the past year(s?) I have noticed that the way I feel about porn and masturbation has effected me a lot more than the porn itself. And I think that's a real pity. I'm not gonna say that checking porn once a week isn't bad (because I simply don't know that), but if the effects are minor and you don't really feel the need to do this more than you do now, perhaps this is acceptable behaviour right now. I know we would all like to get rid of porn once and for all, but I think the way we feel and how we are dealing with our lives says a lot more about where we're at than the fact that we still look at porn every now and then.
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Sorry that you had to break off contact with your father. I know that's hard even if he was mistreating you. Hang in there.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So, once in the 2 weeks became twice a week. Last night again PMO before going to bed. I am doing well, but addiction-wise things are going the wrong way. I have set up a counter, maybe that helps. Will also try to post daily. Will reply to your posts later guys, sorry for my inactivity.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Got through this workweek without acting out and without any difficulties. Tonight, Friday night, I have to be vigilant. Fridays are always the most tricky for me. Accumulated tension of the work week and a kind of 'nice-I can-let-things-go' mentality. I should have no problem falling asleep, so it is just a matter of going to bed.
  11. realness

    realness Active Member

    I hope you had a good weekend @Gil79 . Let us know how things are going
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It's perfectly understandable that you're feeling emotional given the situation with your father I think you have the right approach. Allowing yourself to feel the pain of the abandonment is better than avoiding the reality of what happened. You're facing up to things and dealing with them in your own way - take your time and go easy on yourself.
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Relapsed last night. Was working until late, wife already in bed, peeked a bit, and PMOed for an hour. Brainfog now and got a long day ahead of me. Shit. Well, will keep my my head up and do what I have to do. Stay in determined mindset.

    Thanks @realness and @forlorn!
    Pete McVries likes this.
  14. realness

    realness Active Member

    So grateful for the light that's shining in your heart @Gil79 for coming here and continuing on. Maybe it doesn't feel like it today but fresh air is blowing out the gunk, staleness, hell even the stench of dead things in your mind and heart. Fresh air is blowing in and fueling healthy things to grow. You have some say and control on what healthy things will grow. Is it sharing and growing in some vulnerability in a relationship? Some discipline in engaging in exercise or progress on a home improvement? Some peace and calm to fuel as you sketch, draw or write?
    Gil79 likes this.
  15. badger

    badger Member

    gil79, you said the magic word-"peeked". that's the way it always starts with me. usually I lie to myself that I am going to look at youtube podcasts, music, etc. then suddenly i'm watching soft porn on youtube. that then leads to hardcore websites. when I was in AA I heard " it's not the caboose that kills you, it's the first car of the train, the engine"
    Gil79, nuclpow and Pete McVries like this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Having some time to write as I have a very bad throatache and can't go to work. Will have to get a covid-test in a couple of hours. Will work from home, but also good to allocate a bit of my time to my recovery progress. OK, OK, not really progressing lately, but on the long run I still am, believe it or not :p.

    Things in general still going well. Especially because I am sleeping like a baby lately. Up to 8 hours, almost uninterrupted, and that makes such a difference. But, yes, still need to stop watching porn. I feel that at this point I can really get entangled into it again. Sorry to say it, but there's really good porn out there! I can't deny that. But I really don't want to go that way, because it interferes with the plans I have in life, with my life values. I really think it is time for me to go back to those values and have them clear in my mind again. Porn directly interferes in the interaction I have with my wife. I am way more attracted to her when I don't watch porn (or fantasize or masturbate) and we're just way more polar and playful. Also I am just sharper in daily life, meaning that I am better in the things I do (no the least in my job). Also I am just more positive and energetic which improves the interaction with others. So, yeah, @Gil79, cut the crap! Stop having sex with your laptop! I need to find other ways to blow of steam. I want to start running again, but hesitant because of a knee injury. Maybe I should just go for evening walks first. Any idea's of blowing off steam in a healthy way are welcome. I am doing a lot of yoga and push-ups, etc, but I also need something more powerful, to loose myself in.

    Thanks @realness! Actually last weekend I have been cleaning up a lot in the house, shed and garden. That really felt like blowing fresh air through things, cleaning up things in my head. I do have a say in what healthy things can grow in my life. Thanks for reminding me of that and describing in in such powerful way!

    Thanks @badger for dropping by and sharing your experience. You describe it very well. It is the peeking, the first intention (the choice which we don't want to label as a choice) that needs our focus and awareness. So, you have beaten an alcohol addiction as well? Anyway, welcome to the board. Stay around!
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Staying home yesterday was actually quite nice and I realize that I needed that. I didn't work that much in the end, but continued reading '7 habits of highly succesful people'. I can really recommend it. It deals with all the aspects of my favorite self-help books (No more mister nice guy, The slight edge, Psychocybernetics). I am now in chapter 2, which deals with developing your own personal mission statement. There's an interesting part where you have to ask yourself what your center is about. Where does your sense of security come form? On what do you base your decisions? It is quite confronting. As I already knew (no more mister nice guy), one of my main centers is my wife. I weigh many of my decisions too much to her opinion. Another one is being work centered (from which I derive quite some of my feelings of security) and being pleasure centered (well, you know what I mean). I have just cancelled my participation in a work-meeting. Somehow I feel bad about it: bad workers ethos. On the other hand it was kind of a voluntary thing that i do not gain that much by. I also really want to take my 'working at home' opportunity to have some time for myself and to work on the work that does matter most.

    This thing of breaking with my father is making things a bit complicated in the family. I knew this would happen, but it is shitty. My nephew is very much affected by it and I have the feeling that my mother and sister think I am selfish and irresponsible. I feel bad about hurting my nephew in this way and it makes me wonder whether I am doing to my nephew what my father has done to me. Next week I will meet my mother, sister and nephews (If my throatache is not covid) so then we can talk about it. It is just a ridiculous situation. So much has happened in the past and somehow we never spoke about it and acted as if everything is normal. I think that this whole thing will drastically change family dynamics (well, it already has, but will be permanent). On the one hand I see this as positive. As a development from my side and finally starting to live according to my own choices. On the other hand I carry a huge fear that I am the same as my father and I am hurting the people around me out of selfishness.

    All good at the addiction front, although some tendencies to fantasize.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just read this quote by Victor Frankl:

    "Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life . . . . Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it."
  19. badger

    badger Member

    yes. Gil79 been sober 17yrs. took twice that long to beat alcohol. porn is a different animal. not public. no evident-or so i think. private. not hurting anyone except me. i could go on with the rationalizations. but that's why i chose the badger -i will keep fighting this addiction or die trying.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Bit of fantasy and masturbation in bed last night. Besides that all good. Time for my wife and me to have some quality time together . . .
    nuclpow likes this.

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