Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night I PMOed. So, that's out . . . :oops:

    Yesterday we flew back home and it was just a highly challenging day. On the way to the airport we drove past an accident that had just happened. There were a boy(10- y/o) and a dog lifeless on the street. I was really shocked. A moment later, when we entered the highway I realized there had been people standing around, but no one was giving first aid (or at least sitting down with the boy). I felt terribly guilty for not stopping. I prayed for the boy when we were at the airport and later at night at home. I am not religious, but what else could I do? We boarded the plane and when we were halfway take-off our oldest son got a panic attack. He flew many times, but he is getting more and more nervous about it. We were so busy with the twins that we didn't see it coming until he was starting to hyperventilate. Fortunately we got help from a really awesome steward and my son calmed down again and was quite OK for the rest of the flight. Then still a long drive home and it took an awful lot of time for my son to fall asleep (understandably). We cleaned up and went to bed. But my heart was still racing and my wife fell asleep and started snoring and I thought 'fuck it'. I went downstairs, went to the toilet with my smartphone, looked up a clip with a young woman showing her boobs and vagina and I MOed. There was an initial short rush, but it was the most underwhelming PMO session in my career. An anti-climax with a climax. I went to bed, woke up and got into the rush of the day. Spend some day at work though, which was nice, but I felt bad. Not because of the fact that I PMOed (I allow myself a wrong decision here), but because of it effects (bad sleep, brain fog), probably in combination with the aftermath of yesterday (tired and really affected by what happened). The kids are now in bed and I have to work a bit. At least I am sure that I won't act out tonight. I think I will be OK from here on, but I'll keep writing here daily to see if urges come back and to recognize them early.

    I see really clearly now what happened (please let me know if you think otherwise). I am not using that what happened as an excuse. I am also not saying that all of a sudden I found myself PMOing. I made a very conscious choice here to PMO. I was in bed and I did a bit of deep breathing and knew I could calm down (either right there or by going for a walk). But I didn't, I felt bad and I chose to self-medicate with porn, eventhough I knew there was a chance for hangover and the risk that this may lead to more frequent use. Instant gratification over long-term satisfaction. I will just stay with this feeling for a while now and maybe write more about it another time.

    Yeah, me too. Actually I found out that I already had read one third of it, but just continued now where I left off 3 years ago or so. I might look into his book about his travels in Europe.

    Thanks man! It might indeed be time to reevaluate my goals. I want to use the '7 habits' book for it. Have to look into it again. There's a section about 'personal mission statement'. I think it is good for me to have on paper what is most important for me and something to weigh this and that against.

    Thanks so much @realness for stopping by and for your feedback on my journal! That means a lot to me. And cool that I have now learned the idiom 'cock-blocking' LOL:D:D
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Oh man, what a terrible view that must have been. Even reading about it tears my eyes. I hope the boy and his dog are alright. Don’t beat yourself up over not stopping. It’s just what happens when we get in shock. Some people rush out to help others freeze and need a moment to grasp what happend. At least you prayed for him. I find it beautiful that non-religious people turn to prayer in times of distress, sickness or life and death situations. For me, I see it as some sort of instinct the Creator has put inside of us. Like very deep down, subconsciously we know there just has to be more.

    Too bad you PMO’d. Luckily it wasn’t a long binge with extreme material. Says a lot about the dangers of porn that you still had a hangover because of it though. That dopamine rush can really make us feel bad.

    Hang in there, things will get better. I really believe it well help you a lot when you write down your priorities and where you want to be headed in life.
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for honestly letting us know how it happened. It's very relatable for me as that's how I relapse on my longer runs. Pressure builds up for a while (days or weeks). I resist for a while (days or weeks). Then, at some point : "Fuck it". "I need it". "Now".

    I wonder, reading the way the day went, would MO have been an option, at the "limit" point you chose to go to the bathroom and PMO ?

    Anyways, I really understand why you felt you need to feel better after your day, and also being on that vacation for a while. Fuck man, the human takes so much. Many people have many ways of being addicted to many things. This (PMO) is our lot ... Some have "addictions that are endorsed by society" such as being workaholics. Some play the roulette. Some go shopping. Some eat like crazy.

    Overall you're doing really well. Remember that from a "spread sheet" point of view, rather then a pure streak mentality, you're making progress. You're getting much better at learning how to live without the PMO.
    Mozenjo, Gil79 and realness like this.
  4. realness

    realness Member

    there's some silver linings to a weak-sauce short PMO that will help you bounce back more quickly and stand on your progress thus far. Fight through those consequences that we know all too well and get to business! @BoughtWithBlood and @Thelongwayhome27 are spot on.
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks guys, I really appreciate your posts. I will reply later. Now just logged in for a quick update. No further acting out, but lots of anger. I think I am still affected and tired from that day. The kids also still seem to adjust and are a bit on edge as well. Just did a bit of gardening and now under the apple tree. It is getting dark, so I will go home and to bed and visualize a really nice day tomorrow.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Hey Gil,

    How's it going?

    Thought I'd drop a line, I am not really into posting in my own journal anymore. Since all of our colleagues from years ago are gone.

    I got pretty good at exercising, and do so almost every day.
    I am also trying intermittent fasting. And been able to stay away from addictive behavior for a while now.

    Basically anything that can restore / improve my health I am really interested in and trying to integrate into my day.

    How about you, how is everything.

    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I do the same thing!
    realness, Gil79 and nuclpow like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday started with a lot of frustration again, but had a nice whole day at work and in the afternoon and evening I felt awesome. The kids didn't really let us eat, but I decided to put on some music and we all went dancing. Great fun. After that they all were relaxed again and we could finish our meal. I notice that a bit of time away from the kids and be on my own, really helps me to be a nicer, attentive father. It is all about balance, which is lately unfortunately quite difficult to find.

    I see my PMO session the other day as a positive thing. It was so ridiculous, unnecessary and disappointing that it gave me a really good perspective on this behaviour.

    Good to hear from you @trapped7! Especially since things are going well. I am doing generally well as well. Looking back at since we started here, I am way better in dealing with life's challenges now. Hope to hear more often from you. If you don't feel like posting here you can also pm me. Cheers!
  9. realness

    realness Member

    Way to be spontaneous and present with the family man. Getting some dancing going and leading your family in some light-hearted fun. This looks like an example of non-linear recovery. We may not have perfect streaks stretching out, but the slow but sure break from PMO results in these wonderful strengths and good decisions recurring in your life more and more often.

    Good call. I just learned that I can get a few hours of uninterrupted work in at my local coffee shop outside on their patio, and am getting in some time in the office as COVID restrictions relax a bit. You're right about the balance, if it's measured and helps us it's another tool. But if we start using it to escape the issues we need to attend too............
    Boxer17 and Gil79 like this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Feeling tired and frustrated. Constantly angry. Very angry. Also lots of self-pity and looking for ways to blame others for everything. Feel like giving up and having a good P-binge. I know how ridiculous this sounds. I guess I just need a break ...
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    This will test you. Will make you see how serious you are. Angry ? About what ? So you can p- binge ? Need a break?--- there are no breaks bro ------pmo monster is smiling!
  12. realness

    realness Member

    It'll all still be there after the momentary thrill is done and over with. How can you treat yourself? A bike ride, fancy coffee, steak dinner?
  13. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Porn is the great emotion number. When we stop using have to learn other ways to deal with emotion. It's okay to feel angry, use it as a motivator; perhaps to do some physical exercise. It's okay to feel sad or frustrated about your own or others actions.

    Remember the craving brain with try to deceive you into thinking to only way to deal with the emotion is to use, time to break that cycle.

    There is no 'good' binge, only a harmful one, realness as says take a break - but don't hit yourself over the head with porn.

    My strategy has been this: Every time a thought of PMO enters my head I immediately picture myself having just fapped, with my pants around my ankles feeling the regret and sadness I always feel at such times.
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2020
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    excellent point and great perspective, positivef:)
  15. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Remember the craving brain with try to deceive you into thinking to only way to deal with the emotion is to use, time to break that cycle.

    I’m find that as my reboot goes on the craving brain is starting to get more and more subtle with its deceptions. One of the really fascinating things about the reboot is learning more about my own thought process and how it tries to justify thins, and not just related to PMO.
    -Luke- likes this.
  16. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    The brain must be a strange system of completing aims, with various levels pulling the reins at different times, and the conscious with the rein of choice.
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020
  17. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Indeed! This reboot is teaching me that I don’t really know much about my brain at all...and that I want to learn a lot more.
    NCBob and positivef like this.
  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I was thinking the same thing, which left me going in circles, lol:)
  19. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Hope all is relatively ok. Give some extra love to the young'uns when you can. I can only imagine how stressful managing a family can be, but I'm sure there are some inexplicable treasures that are exclusive to the cultivation of healthy relationships with a family that came into being through your efforts.

    Thanks for being a nice force on this forum. Not sure if I'm the first to articulate this sentiment, but I am sure there are many others who feel the same way. Not sure if you fell out of the saddle so to speak, but if you have, just remember that getting back into it is a chance to figuratively get back home to people who love you and want you to be happy. Looking at your post history, you've been on this forum for a while, and the day will come where this addiction isn't an option for you anymore. You talked about your father previously, and you know you aren't like him. Geez, what an accomplishment to learn from those mistakes and become someone better. And the sky's the limit. If I do a loving-kindness meditation sometime soon, you'll definitely be in my thoughts. Break on through to the other side and show your wife, your children, friends, and fellow members here what it means to live a porn-free life. And if you have a crash and burn like experience, remember that you have people around you who care about your mental and physical well-being and believe that you can get to the point where this is all relegated to the past and you're living a life free from this addiction.

    I'm a bit cognitively compromised at the moment, so the above may be somewhat incoherent, but the point is that you will have overcome this some day, some time, and it'll feel like a dream of a life you once lived.

    Take care
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2020
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hi guys,

    the evening of my last post I didn't act out, but the evening after that I did. In total I PMOed 3 times since then, the last one last night. Just in case you wonder: it accutely leads to brainfog, tiredness and strained communication with others. I think I really needed an escape. Escape from emotional discomfort. I am kind of overwhelmed with everything: I am tired and extremely angry all the time. A couple of days it has been really bad, I was cursing all the time. On the street I am angry at everyone. Yesterday I was literally out of breath whole day, and that made me anxious. Porn only makes these things worse. I feel how the situation with my father is the main trigger of all of this. Maybe it would be better to talk to him, but I feel so much hate towards him. I don't know what to do.

    Thanks for your replies guys! I might post a little bit less for a while (which doesn't mean that I plan to act out!), but I'll be back!
    realness, Pete McVries and Boxer17 like this.

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