Last night and this morning I am having some tendencies to fantasize sexually and ogle women in the streets. I don't call them urges, as the intensity is really low. What is interesting to me is that there is not arousal response to them. This morning I saw a beautiful girl on the streets with very nice legs. I kept looking at her legs for a couple of seconds and there was no arousal or 'need for more'. I am sure I could get myself into that state again easily, but for now it feels as a relieve that there seems to be a little safety wall between my triggers and my arousal response. The tendency to ogle or fantasize is still there though. All of this also makes me realize that quitting fantasies is equally important as quitting porn. Sexual fantasies have been a very important way for me to deal with stuff and I used to spend a lot of time on it. The absence of them feels like a big relieve. Focusing on being mindful (and reading about it) makes me realize how strongly I am constantly writing my own story, making things worse, more beautiful or more important than they actually are. Yesterday we spent a whole day with some family members and I decided to go without my phone. This really helped me to become aware of my need to escape. I am aware though that being away from home and daily stresses really makes being mindful a lot easier. But if I can keep training it now, then it might be a bit easier to keep doing it when things are more busy again. Another thing that surfaces lately is the fear or discomfort of future uncertainties and the transience nature of life. I don't know exactly what has been triggering this. Maybe it just comes with age (midlife), maybe the whole covid-situation or maybe it comes from taking away the veil of porn and fantasy. I just know that it makes me feel uncomfortable to think about death or injury, but that the awareness of it keeps popping up. Not in the least by seeing and interacting with people of older age of which most of them seem still confused to me and keep looking for their own safety in the form of temporary distractions and materialism.