Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night and this morning I am having some tendencies to fantasize sexually and ogle women in the streets. I don't call them urges, as the intensity is really low. What is interesting to me is that there is not arousal response to them. This morning I saw a beautiful girl on the streets with very nice legs. I kept looking at her legs for a couple of seconds and there was no arousal or 'need for more'. I am sure I could get myself into that state again easily, but for now it feels as a relieve that there seems to be a little safety wall between my triggers and my arousal response. The tendency to ogle or fantasize is still there though. All of this also makes me realize that quitting fantasies is equally important as quitting porn. Sexual fantasies have been a very important way for me to deal with stuff and I used to spend a lot of time on it. The absence of them feels like a big relieve.

    Focusing on being mindful (and reading about it) makes me realize how strongly I am constantly writing my own story, making things worse, more beautiful or more important than they actually are. Yesterday we spent a whole day with some family members and I decided to go without my phone. This really helped me to become aware of my need to escape. I am aware though that being away from home and daily stresses really makes being mindful a lot easier. But if I can keep training it now, then it might be a bit easier to keep doing it when things are more busy again.

    Another thing that surfaces lately is the fear or discomfort of future uncertainties and the transience nature of life. I don't know exactly what has been triggering this. Maybe it just comes with age (midlife), maybe the whole covid-situation or maybe it comes from taking away the veil of porn and fantasy. I just know that it makes me feel uncomfortable to think about death or injury, but that the awareness of it keeps popping up. Not in the least by seeing and interacting with people of older age of which most of them seem still confused to me and keep looking for their own safety in the form of temporary distractions and materialism.
  2. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I don't think the desire to look at attractive women in the street will ever be eliminated completely. Stuff like that is biologically hardwired, but what matters is that you controlled your response to it. Love what you wrote about being mindful. I think you're on the right track, that of becoming more aware of your thought patterns. It's pretty amazing that we, as humans have the ability to think abstractly and to analyze ourselves from a higher level. Becoming conscious of our thoughts makes us more in control. Agree, it's great to get away from the smartphone for a while. I also found that when I recently spent a day with extended family members I barely looked at my phone all day.
    positivef, Gil79 and Pete McVries like this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Woke up last night and MOed. I think I had had an erotic dream or so. I didn't feel any boundary not to do it, although I am sure I could have decided not to do it. It actually felt very normal and healthy at the moment. I tried to use sexual fantasy, but I couldn't (!:eek:). As if I didn't have access to any visual stimulation anymore. I will spare you the details, but it was quite an enjoyable mindful experience. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I don't feel bad about it. This morning I went for a run and I do feel a little bit brainfoggy and grumpy right now.

    For a bit of perspective, my last PMO was on the 5th of March. Since then I MOed to fantasy once on the 9th of June and now a mindful MO on the 13th of July. Otherwise no significant fantasies, ogling or P-subs.

    I am not planning to MO more regularly though. I just want sex with my wife, but if it happens sporadically and I enjoy then I am not going to make it a big deal.

    @forlorn, thanks for stopping by!
  4. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I think that's a very healthy place to come from. I have been frustrated with not getting the sex I wanted for years and these days I have accepted that my sexual needs and those of my girlfriend don't always sync. I makes me feel a lot better in general and the sex is better because of it:)

    As for the MO-session: yeah, it happens:)
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  5. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Be careful of fantasies they are 1 step from total immersion in pmo.
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2020
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  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night my wife and I were exhausted from a long day with the kids. I thought I could sleep right away, but I couldn't keep my hands of my wife. I was super aroused. She felt the same :D. After some handwork from both sides, I was just about to go in when all of a sudden my youngest son started crying. My wife tried to make him fall asleep, and I was waiting in bed with my boner, but it didn't work. The party was over. It took a long time before I cooled down and then I couldn't sleep anymore. Started fantasizing and got super aroused again. Went to the bathroom and MOed.

    All of this kind of feels like karma. Before we had kids we could have sex all the time, but I rather PMOed. Now I want sex all the time, but it is hardly possible to find the chance. Well, I should not pity myself and just be patient!

    Thanks living! I always appreciate your pragmatic and positive perspective on these things.

    Thanks Mad Dog! You're definitely right. Last night I used fantasies to MO and this morning I already had new flash fantasies coming up. I can feel how it is this kind of visual stimulation that has a great pull on me and could easily draw me back. I have to be very strict with myself now.
    Living likes this.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    My pleasure:) My take is that we already bombard ourselves with more than enough negative perspectives, so adding to that isn't really going to help. I think one of the most important things I have taken from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is that your main motivation should be 'Is this thought/behaviour helpful?'. The amount of sex issue is a great example of that. We have had discussions about that in your journal before. I know some of the other guys think differently about that than I do and if that works for them: great! But what for example Saville recommends is something that is not going to work for me. Saville is a different person than I am and his wife is a different person than my GF. I know that claiming sex is not going to make my girlfriend happy and she has enough to deal with in her life. Neither do I think is it something that will make me happy. So in terms of an approach being helpful: not for me:) A couple of years ago there was this discussion about being okay with never having sex again. It was not about celibacy or anything like that, but more about the idea that it is perfectly possible to be happy if you never had sex again. Sex can be without a doubt very enriching, but if you make your happiness dependent on it you're just screwing yourself. For me an approach where I see sex is a great addition to my life, but not as a need, is a lot more helpful.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night in bed I was very awake and filled with angry thoughts. I started sexual fantasies and MOed to them. It was clearly a way to escape and at a certain moment I even thought that it would not be a big deal if I would go get my phone to look at some boob pictures. No, not the birds this time ;):D. At least I didn't do that. Clearly I took a wrong turn here. MO is on itself OK in my opinion, but here I am spiraling down the addiction path. I think it is the chaser-effect in combination with too much family interaction. It is nice to be with the in-law family, but I need my own space again. I am also so much looking forward to be able to work-out again and spend some real hours working and investing in myself and my career. Note to self: be patient!

    I like that. Too many of my thoughts are not helpful at all, just taking my time and energy and feeding negative emotions.

    Definitely agree with that. I think the difficulty is to give sex an appropriate place in our lives. We normally don't think about that and growing up we're just kind of overwhelmed by our sexuality. We deal with it when without thinking too much about it and as it is such a powerful energy it will force itself into our lives. The key is to assign it the role we want it to have, but in a realistic way.
    -Luke- and Living like this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    A MO-session might happen, but three MO-sessions in a row is defenitly something to pay a bit more attention too;) Things like these for me usually mean that I have drifted too far from what I value and that I need to turn back. Often it helps me to get very clear to myself where I want to go and why I want to go there. It's a good thing you didn't go boobwatching though. Although the behaviour is unwanted, up till now you still managed to hang on to what you find important. So it's time to get back up and get going again:)
    -Luke- and Gil79 like this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Finally a night without MO again. Fantasy MO is definitely milder than PMO, but I also notice how it gets me into an addicted mindset with more tendencies to fantasize and ogle. It is a too easy stepping stone towards PMO and more frequent acting out.

    I choose for a life without porn and sexual fantasies because: I want to have fulfilling interaction with the people around me, I want to be physically and mentally heatlhy, I want to have leadership over my own life and make my choices in a proactive way rather than a reactive way, I want to accept my own feelings and emotions and allow myself to express myself according to my nature, I want to get the best out of my brain and use it for the wonderous organ it is and not largely for pleasuring myself, and, oh yeah, porn just sucks.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night I was really close to watching porn. There's a strong difference in my behaviour compared to before the 3 MO sessions. I am ogling more amd have more tendency to fantasize. So last night before going to bed I was just scrolling through linkedin and already got quite interested by the pictures of women I saw there. Maybe this scrolling is so alike scrolling through porn sites on the phone that this was a trigger on itself. At a certain moment I closed linkedin and even opened a browser to watch porn. But then I guess that I realized what I would see if I would type a pornsite there. That was confronting, so I started thinkinh of something more mild to look for (bikini pics or something), but fortunately realized this is just the same. I went to bed and slept well. Happy now I didn't act out, but still quite uncomfortable with how close I was to acting out.

    No more phone in the evening after dinner.

    Just 2 more nights here with the wife's family. It is good to go back home. Things aren't as relaxed with the kids as I hoped (hardly any extra time with extra hands) and I am getting quite bored and frustrated.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This morning after a sequence of events in the busy house where I am at, all of a sudden I realized I was on my own and could be for a while. All of a sudden I felt a rush. I felt shaky, like @realness described the other day. I felt strongly the opportunity to PMO with phone or laptop. Part of me told me to take my laptop upstairs and just go for it. Part of me told me to begin slowly and look up some interesting but milder stuff on my phone first. Instead I just put on my shoes and walked out the door without keys. I knew I would be dependent on someine elsecto get in, so it was the safest thing I could do. Now going to bed. I don't feel the confidence and safety that I had for the last 4 months. Have to be strong...
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  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congratulations on resisting that PMO opportunity. Sending you some strength to get out of this little pickle. Could it be that the family stuff is causing some stress which translates as more urges ?
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @Thelongwayhome27! I feel a bit more at ease now. To act out or not to act out. It is such a thin line. I think so yeah, that being here with the family of my wife is part of it. I am getting bored and frustrated of constantly having the same people around me and no place to escape to besides going for small walks in the hot sun. Also a bit lost in translation, as they live in Southern Europe. Well, tomorrow we're flying back home.
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  15. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Glad you resisted temptation. Yeah any kind of social media profile is a trigger for me, like you mentioned with linkedin, goodreads is dangerous for me. I think it's because it replicates the searching for constant novelty that is typical of porn use. It's also dangerous because it has a legitimate use that can easy slip into sexualisation territory. I guess if we can pass over the milder stuff the worse material will take care of itself.
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  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah just be kind to yourself man. I don't think it's a big deal that you MOed three times. Remember to look for inner self compassion. You got this !

    Oh yeah, also avoid browsing LinkedIn or anything on phone when in bed. Pick up a paper book ! :)
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  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I feel a lot calmer now. I wouldn't be surprised if these feelings were also partly withdrawal symptoms. Well, actually it doesn't matter, I should be able to deal with stuff without escaping in porn and fantasy . . .

    Thanks @positivef and @Thelongwayhome27!

    I think you're right. I have never really been aware of it that much, but I guess it was pretty obvious this time. It was a close call, but I have definitely learned from it!

    Nope, not going to do that anymore. And actually I did pick up a paper book I had lying around here: Bill Bryson's 'A short history of nearly everything'. Really good read and very funny.
  18. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    I think I read that 'A short history of nearly everything' by Bill Bryson - but I can't remember much about it apart from liking it. sorry, my memory of books fades too fast.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2020
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  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Great job on resisting the urge of looking up sexual images / porn online. That was a thin line on multiple occasions but somehow you got yourself out of the situation! That’s top class, man :)

    The MO’s, fantasies and ogling are not helping your recovery, but they are understandable. Seeing the situation you have been in lately. When you get back home you have some time to come to rest. Reevaluate your goals and recommit yourself to them.

    Best of luck to you.
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  20. realness

    realness Member

    yo @Gil79 , yours was the first journal I started working through as I'm new here. I'm right there with you on this journey and having a spouse and parenting really young kids. There are a lot of unique stressors there that we share so I've really appreciated you sharing your journey, highs and lows.

    I laughed at your Tues entry, where your baby cock-blocked you as you were about to get it on. You were left in such a tough spot, and describing it here is so helpful for me and others because that's the real life that no dudes rarely talk about. Or they'll bitch about the cock-block but not be honest about how they responded to it. Also, your comment about karma and having all the chances to have sex before kids but instead PMO'd, and now you're addressing PMO but can't have sex often because of kids.... yeah, 100% with you on that. @Saville 's journal has been helpful to me in processing things like that. Not dwelling on it, learning from it, and asserting that that old you is dead! You're coming here and acting on changes in your life and piling more dirt on the corpse of that dude who ignored his wife and PMO'd. That dude is rotting away and you my dude are sprouting new shoots of growth, interests, endeavors, and works that shaping a new you.
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