Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Basically what everyone else above said. :) Great job on paying off your debt. I found your post inspiring, Gil.
     
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  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I was just seriously considering to watch porn. Difficult day. Exhausted. Snapped at my son, then my wife got angry. Feel guilty towards my son. Feel angry at my wife. Kids are finally in bed, wife is for a walk now. I can just go to some websites and watch boobs, boobs and more boobs with my hand in my pants. Oh man, that would be so nice. So ridiculous, but so nice. I guess I will make a cup of tea and leave my phone and laptop alone. Maybe I should just go to bed. I really need to sleep.
     
  3. Great that you came here to post. It’s not worth it to watch porn man. Good that you realized you need sleep, best to get it and wake up to a new day. You can use tomorrow to make it up with your son.
     
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @BoughtWithBlood! I went to bed directly and I fell asleep directly. That was 830 PM. My son is still sleeping. I will talk to him later and make this a nice new day. The pull to porn was really strong. A bit scary. I am happy I didnt give in, cause I would have felt really bad about it.
     
  5. Great job man! Eventhough the pull was strong, you were stronger. Have a great day
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you may have been tired (since you fell asleep so quick) and as a result you may have been emotionally drained by the rough day. Calling the day over and hitting the bed early is sometimes quite a good solution !
     
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  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Had some challenging days, but handled well. I notice that I am nervous about the current changes (kids going to school, picking up on work) and near future and that gives me stress and keeps me awake at night. I guess I felt quite safe the last 2 months and I am starting to feel unsafe again. A couple of times a day I feel urges coming up to watch porn or fantasize. They are short but intense. I don't feel there's a big chance I will give in to them now though cause I strongly feel the positive effects of abstaining. The most important is the interaction with people. That is a factor 10 better than in (P)MO times.

    Last night I watched a home video that a boyfriend of my mother made when I was 11 y/o. I had it in the house for quite a while already but never dared to watch it. I did now, after 25 years or so, and it qas really nice to see. I was a real spontaneous, funny and happy little kid. I was making lot of fun with my sister anx we were giving my mother a hard time, lol.

    I went to bed happy. Later I started thinking were things went really wrong. I guess it was a gradual process. We had less and less contact with my father who started drinking more, my mother got more and more stressed and bitter, amd I went into puberty and started MOing . . . a lot. After that weed, alcohol, bad friends, etc.

    After I had layed awake in bed for a while, I fell asleep again and had a dream in which a colleague of mine was crying. He told me that he had forgotten everything and that all of a sudden he found himself in . . . (a town I went to go to check out prostitutes a couple of times). His face was changing from young to old and back a couple of times. It occurred later to me that my colleague was me. I have/ had forgotten who I was. I really lost myself. Completely. I am on a mission in finding myself back. It is interesting how this thing with the home video coincides with my memory of the past improving the last couple of weeks.
     
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  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Sounds like you're doing some great work Gil79:) Recognizing that we've forgotten who we are, is a critical step in allowing who we are, to show up again on our front doorstep:D
     
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  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Some difficult days here. Little sleep and busy says with the kids . . . seems I am not the only one who has to get used to the new situation :D

    Also notice very strong intensity of sexual famtasies and thoughts. They come up regularly now and I do not act upon them, but they lead to very intense sensations in my body.

    Would be good to have sex again with my wife and to do my breathing exercises. It is just so hard to find the time and energy.

    Thanks @NCBob. Showing up on our front doorstep AND opening the door :D:)
     
  10. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Member

    Great that you’re not acting on them. It sounds like you are able to watch them as they arise and then let them pass. That’s pretty cool.
     
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  11. Yeah, how do you get past them without acting on them? I usually can sit them out for a couple of hours but after a while I just cave in.
     
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  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, Gil79:D
     
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    A lot happening inside me lately. I think the best way to describe it is as reintegration of my old self into my current life. Somehow a reduced contact with my family (even my mother and sister) and my seeing my son developing, is part of that process.

    Payed off my study debt last Friday. Made a nice dinner for wife and me and we opened a bottle of cava to celebrate. Whoo, that tasted like more.... a bit dangerous. But really nice. After that I got a massage, massaged my wife, and there were some happy endings involved :D

    Yesterday a lot of anger Maybe post-orgasm effects, maybe bad sleep due to cava. Last night I slept really good though and now way better.

    @BoughtWithBlood: what really helps is that I am lately so busy with stuff (kids, work, household, garden). That makes it way easiet to 'let things pass'. But another thing that is more effective and healthy than what I did before is not to resist. Instead of forcing my attention somewhere else and squeezing my pelvic muscles to avoid arousal, I just let the sensations come and go. By doing that and concentrating on the actual feelings, it is easier not to let it escalate into sexual thoughts or fantasies.
     
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I got no videos, but old photo albums that I don't dare to look at. I'm worried that they'd stir up some bad emotions, but reading this it may not be a bad thing. It may sound silly, but I'm worried that this kid is disappointed in what he's become.
     
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  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Nervous and sweaty today. Brought the kids to daycare and now I have to work. So much to do and don't know where to start . . . . so I'm here . . . I'll give myself 15 minutes to procrastinate and then I'll go for it. I am really done with my anxious sweating. I really feel the drops of sweat running down. I remember I had this in highschool, but then it was gone for such a long time. Cold showers help for a while, but not the whole day. In any way, the reason is anxiety, and I need to do something about that. It is not that the anxiety is uncontrollable, but the sweating is super annoying.

    Otherwise, I am OK I guess. Yesterday I managed to stay mindful throughout the day. I feel that this becomes easier due to rebooting.

    @Eternity: after reading your post I realized that looking up a photo from you as a kid is part of the recoverynation workshop

    " C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:


    Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old — but only do this as a last resort. The power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of your own innocence — something that is very hard to do through memory alone.


    Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.


    If you would like, share your experience with this last exercise in your thread."
     
  16. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Member

    Hang in there Gil!

    I get what you say what you mentioned “So much to do and don’t know where to start...” Is there some low-hanging fruit that you could pick off first of all? That way you’ll get a lift from completing a small task and that’ll motivate you to take on something more challenging.
     
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I tell myself it's like a messy room, you pick a corner and start. Some days it's easier than others, though. Keep plugging through, you've made great strides!
     
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  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @Clovis6 and @Saville! I managed to make it a good working session. Stuff keeps piling up though. I will not give it too much thought and keep going.

    Downloaded the yourbrainonporn by Gary Wilson book on my e-reader. Been reading in it the last couple of nights before going to bed. It is a reaffirming activity.
     
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  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I remember doing that picture thing on the RN workshop. It's interesting in a way it's both a path to forgiving yourself and at the same time taking responsibility for things from now on. You look at the kid and see that it's not his fault what happened. On the other hand you wanna make things better for that kid, from now on. It can be cathartic and healing stuff. Motivating as well !
     
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  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Awesome! I know the frustration about things piling up and how it can be overwhelming. It's really good that you were able to push through:)
     
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