Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last couple of days I took care of not getting over-stimulated and it really helped. Did as much as possible one thing at the time with full attention and save my energy as much as possible. Still had some anger spells though and even snapped at my wife once, but I also accept this for what it is. I was happy that the next day my wife was almost losing it and I was the one who remained calm :cool:. But it is just difficult to accept certain boundaries. Saturday I went for a run and this made me feel really good for the rest of the day, but then the next day I was completely out of energy. Still I have to keep making effort to change some things and yesterday I did. First, in the afternoon I went upstairs for half an hour to do breathing exercises and meditation. I fetl really uncomfortable at first. It was just me and my anger. I really wanted to give up. But I kept going and after a while the anger largely disappeared and I felt a connection with my body again. I felt sorry to my body for closing myself off and just be in my head. Note to self: do this every day! Then in the evening, after the kids were in bed, I turned up the heat downstairs, took a mattress downstairs, put on some candless and told my wife to lay down on the mattress. I gave her a massage, then she massaged me and then we had sex. I have to admit that this was only the second time we had sex this year :(. But it was really great. Afterwards we felt reconnected. I could see how she was feeling feminine again, and I felt masculin. Today our interaction is so much nicer. It is so difficult to make the effort to do so. In the evening we are just exhausted and even now we were lucky that the kids didn't wake up. But it is really worth it .... no, it is needed.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    @Living, I am going to check out the app. I really think such a thing could work for me.

    @Thelongwayhome27 , lately I notice how subconsciously I keep bringing myself in the same situation over and over again. And every time this results into a lot of anger. And a while ago all of a sudden I realized how the period towards that anger is a period of a lot of fear. There is a transition from fear to stress to anger. It is all related to nice guy issues and something really to work on. Will wrote more about it later.

    You're a threat to yourself and your environment! :D

    Yeah, and (at least in my case) only to find out there's not a problem or conflict at all . . .
    Thelongwayhome27 and Living like this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think having sex once-a-week is really important. I know that feeling well of being too tired, but as you found out the benefits are awesome! Kudos on taking the initiative.

    Yep, in my case, too. :)
    Pete McVries and Gil79 like this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Found my balance a bit more, but still need to fine-tune. Still drinking a bit more coffee than I'd like and snacking too much than is healthy for me, BUT also been doing my breathing exercises every day this week and had sex again with my wife. Both are an investment in the limited time I (we) have, but both make a real difference. It occurred to me again how effective the breathing exercises are. I literally and figuratively have more breath during the day, I am more calm and mindful, interaction with others is so much better and fulfilling and I feel more safe and confident about things (life) in general. It is exactly the opposite of the effects of (investing time in) porn. After sex with my wife yesterday I realized how much our sex has improved (despite having sex so little last year) since the beginning. It has always been quite OK compared to the sex I had before her, but it still is better each time. One of the reasons is that I am slowly loosing the sexual shame which I have always carried with me. I can see clearly how the sexual shame has been the cause of my PE and even how my shame was one of the main reasons that porn was so addictive to me. Porn and masturbation (with fantasy) are a way to be 'sexual' without being really aware of what you're doing. Ofcourse after you're done, the shame comes back when you realize what you did. Yes, you read that well: porn does not lead to shame, it is the shame that leads to porn. Well, that's a nice statement to end this post with. Just another note to self: Keep doing your breathing exercises!
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, that is a great realization. It's so wonderful that we can start having great sex again with the partner who before we found a bit boring. Just goes to show how it's all between the ears. Bravo!
    Gil79 and Mozenjo like this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    It is definitely between the ears. If we can be stallions while watching others have sex, why not redirect the remaining virility we have on a real woman? Some re-wiring is necessary, but boy is it worth the effort!
    Pete McVries and Gil79 like this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday I had a disagreement with someone I am in a committee with. Inside I got super angry and I decided to do my breathing exercises to get it out of my head. Actually it only made it worse. I was very mindful about it and I could really feel the anger in my chest and throat. It stuck to me the whole day and even at night in bed it took me 1.5 hours laying awake alone with my anger. I tried to keep the focus on the anger itself, but continually I started thinking and fantasizing again about what I was going to say to this person. I did not consider to (PF)MO, but this morning, with everybody in the house in a bad mood, all of a sudden I felt how checking some pictures would give me some relieve. Not an option (also time-wise :D), but clear old pattern emerging. I went for a long walk with the kids, who were still all grumpy like me, and that kind of cleared my head. Feeling a bit more calm now.

    Since this whole disagreement was extremely trivial (you wouldn't believe it), I really feel that this anger is just in my system, waiting to be triggered in a situation that is similar to the situation from which it originates. Actually it is a continuous cycle and I keep bringing myself into this same situation. I think it originates from a fear of and disagreement with rejection. I think that the way I dealt with it now is the way to deal with it. The details are not important. I just have to dare to face it, to feel it, and to let it go every time it arises.
  8. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Are you normally non confrontational?
    If so, is that something that has changed / improved during your no PMO time?

    I'm waiting for something like that to happen to me and see how it challenges me, it will be out of character for me to bite back.
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Sounds like you handled it well, Gil79:) A lot of effort can be required to not piss on others, while we're pissed off ourselves:D
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate to this. I read everywhere how the key is to stay with the emotions, to feel them, be present, connect with the body, etc. But when I'm hit with an emotional storm it's difficult to actually put this in practice and not be carried in the mental turmoil. Maybe it's one of those things we get better at with practice. Maybe, also, it's good to notice when we manage to do it (with the smaller "storms"). I guess it's normal we can't navigate the bigger ones. It's about slowly progressing.

    Well done on navigating it !
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So after this whole thing something else occurred at work. Kind of a conflict and quite some people were involved. At least it was less trivial this time, but still it would have been more wise to just let it go. The whole weekend I had troubles falling asleep after baby feeding at night and I kept feeling really heavy emotions. This time it was less anger, but more shame, guilt and regret. I guess also because more people were involved I got very insecure about the whole thing. I kept telling myself 'you did good', 'you did what you felt was good', 'you just stood up for yourself'. And my feelings switched from that perspective (and a bit of anger and feelings of injustice) back to the shame, regret and guilt. At a certain point I thought 'I am going to apologize to everyone', but that is just ridiculous. I think I have to learn from this situation. I might have been a bit unreasonable, but the others were too. I really still stand for what I brought up. Besides, I am human, and therefore imperfect. I am allowed to make mistakes. Regarding my 'nice guy' issues, it might even be the most healthy thing for me to not apologize and just leave it like this. Hey, this is what I stand for. Take it or leave it. I accept these feelings inside me, which are largely triggered by past experiences and I will just accept them, deal with them, and some day they will go because they won't affect my behaviour anymore.

    Funny thing is that I also noticed how my childish brain could switch from this situation (the conversations in my head) to the previous issue I had last week. This is another indication that past emotions are surfacing and that i just need them to leave my system. Maybe all of this is even triggered by doing my breathing exercises and meditations so consistenly. Funny thing is that the person I had the previous issue with, she came to me yesterday to apologize in person :). We talked it over and now all is good.

    Doing well on the FPMO front. None of that. told my wife I will give her a 'nice time' tonight :D

    Hi @Matt2020, I am definitely non-confrontational and not so assertive. But I do experience that this got better since I quit PMO. I still find it hard to stand up for myself to people and feel hesitated to do so, but I notice that when I am in conversations I can really surprise myself in terms of this (standing up for myself, defending my point of view). When I started quitting PMO I had a really bad relationship with my dominant boss and quitting (starting to quit, sorry) PMO really changed the dynamics in a positive way. Still need to work on this more though, but hey, that is what life is about and we should do this step by step.

    Thanks, and so true. Will remember that! :)

    I notice this weekend how difficult this turmoil can be to be with. I felt so bad. There was just no option for to deal with this in another way. I kept telling myself it needed to get out of my system and that I have had these feelings before and that they went away eventually. Slowly progressing indeed. I am sure that the upcoming period I am going to take a deep breath before I respond to anyone who triggers something inside me. Need some time of from this shit now :D:D:D
  12. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    I can definitely relate to this. Its so frustrating how the mind replays events we're not happy with over and over again, and usually at night :confused:
    When we're not normally assertive and then do stand up for ourselves it feels so alien and then we beat ourselves up over it!

    Well done for standing your ground and not apologising.
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  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yeah, fuck apologizing! :)
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Experiences like these, for people at our, um, advanced stage in life, are really important. I can relate to your angst and second-guessing. Story of my life. We may be old dogs, but we can still learn a new trick or two. Like speaking freely when it matters, and holding our tongues and not apologizing for that when it's been our lifelong habit. I mean, God forbid we might hurting someone's feelings. If we say something that happens to hurt someone else: a) it probably hurts us more than it hurts them, and b) why should we care? As long as the point was not to hurt them, and we are expressing ourselves frankly, then we are being healthy adults.
    Good for you, Gil.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night after the kids were in bed I was really tired, but still decided to get the mattress downstairs for some romance :D. It was really good and I love the way our interaction changes afterwards. The polarity comes back. We gave eachtother a massage afterwards, talked about stuff, and went to bed. It is so nice that we're making this time for ourselves.

    I slept good, but this morning I woke up with a very heavy feeling. Still the issue at work I guess and also I notice I am very nervous cause my son is having his first real schoolday next week. The slow transition from daycare to school that was planned was during lockdown and now we kind of just have to drop him off at school while we have to stay behind a line. He has only seen the teacher once. He's a sensitive boy (like me :D) so I am really not feeling comfortable with it. I think I will call the teacher to see if we can take things slowly somehow. Anyway we're not obliged to bring him, so we could also keep him home (although it would also be good for him to go to school and socialize with other kids a bit more).

    Anyway, I felt bad and went for a run and did 3 series of pull-ups. Then took my daily walk with the kids and a bit of gardening and now I feel a bit better. Still kind of an undestined feeling. Difficult times.....

    Thanks so much @Matt2020, @Saville and @Mozenjo :). Hearing this from you really gives me strength at the moment!
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'd let him go to school and figure it out. I think it's better not to over-protect our kids. We have to take our knocks, one way or another. Just my thoughts. :)

    Wow, I love this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think that the emotional discomfort is gone for now. Yesterday I still had the tendency to apologize, but I kept telling myself that even if that would be the most spiritual divine thing to do, not apologizing would be the best thing I could do for myself on the NMMNG front: own your discomfort. Also remembering something I read from a sex addiction website (can't remember the name) where they adviced to grade your emotional discomfort from 0 (being completely calm) to 100 (mental breakdown). Grading helps you to see that you're actually still functioning and doing fine despite your feelings. I would grade the feelings of the last days at 70. Today I am back at 30.

    Feel a bit of chaser effect coming up since the sex the other day, but I know I will be fine. Just stay away from fantasies and seductive media like youtube.

    Thanks Saville, maybe you're right. I am also aware that I am often projecting my own insecurities on him and extremely afraid to make a mistake in how I raise him.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I feel extremely exhausted the last couple of days. We're sleeping quite badly and the days are so damn long and intense. This is my work time, but I just need it to have some time to myself. Took the kids to the garden this afternoon, but I was exhausted after the walk and could just sit there. Not that bad on itself because I could sit and spend some time with my sons (daughter sleeping in the stroller) looking at the flowers, bees and birds. I made a selfie and later I looked at it. I look damn tired, pale and old, but also content and happy. What a picture: me with my sons on my lap under the apple tree. I could never have imagined myself like this a few years ago. I really feel blessed.

    Yesterday I really had the tendency to fantasize (sexually). I should be aware that those urges can come anytime. Don't give in to it!

    Also realized that I might be reaching a kind of end-point at work. I feel like I have reached the goals I set 10-15 years ago. My career path follows a logical order after this, but I just don't see myself there further down that line. I have a contract for another year and I should make good use of this time to make a new plan so that I can jump tracks and don't get trapped into something that doesn't actually fit me. For a while last year I thought I should really focus on increasing my leadership skills and make money. Now (maybe also because I have more time to think and be close to myself) I see how ridiculous this is and how far off it is from who I really am. I am not a natural leader. In the leadership positions I am now, I don't feel comfortable. I have a lot of anxiety sweating and stress. Also I have never cared for money, but just by comparing myself to other people I think I got into these strange trains of thoughts. I would like a job with more meaningful human interaction. I also want to be able to use my creativity more and be a bit more practical. I guess i will just have to keep visualizing different aspects of it and let it form by itself. My curreent job is kind of the result of trying to proof myself. Now it is time to do the things that really fit my nature.
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I think everyone is a natural leader, Gil79. It just may be that what we've been led to believe about what leadership is, is not what true leadership is. The front end of leadership is about being able to listen, and in particular, to listen to ourselves. Once we can identify with what is going on on our insides, from a soulful rather than egocentric perspective, then we can be truly led. In our experiences of being led from our authentic selves, then we can learn how to truly lead, in our own natural and authentic ways. By trusting your desires about getting a job with more meaningful human interaction and to use your creativity more, you'll naturally develop your leadership. Actually, your leadership will develop you:)
  20. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thats so nice Gil79 and even more so that you can take time to breathe and take it all in.

    I can relate to this, today is 30 years that ive worked for the same company. In various roles but only slight progression. Ive never had the ambition to be CEO. I just dont want the stress. There have been times where ive thought i could do better but i enjoy my job and work with some great people. I would always put that before money (so long as i can pay my way).
    Gil79 likes this.

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