Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    PMOed last night. I was so tired that I could have fallen asleep instantly. Still I decided to check if there were some new and interesting porn clips. Dumbass I am.

    Cancelled my walking trip with my friend. He got sick. I could have gone alone, but decided to work in the garden whole day. Should have gone I think, cause it would havs beem good to be away from everything a bit.

    Today such bad weather and not looking forward to spend a whole day inside. Got to be creative on this. Maybe should start with a run.
  2. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    This has so often been my downfall too. The unrelenting urge to check for new content in my 'go to' porn genres.

    Shame to hear your trip was cancelled but at least you had a productive day in the garden. Maybe you could rearrange it with your friend for another time.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks. Fortunately I left it at that one time and didn't really feel any consequences (brainfog or shame). I think what caused it was disconnection to my feelings.

    Otherwise also doing quite well. I feel very healthy. Eating healthy (mostly vegan) and sporting a lot. I have thus huge intrinsic motivation to do so. I can't really explain why, but it feels good.
    nuclpow and Living like this.
  4. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Perhaps an 'open deur', but my experience is that a slip itself often has very little impact on me. When I come into a period of slip after slip after slip it's often much more affected by what I tell myself about the slip than it's that's caused by the slip itself. When things go wrong it's because of me telling myself that porn is stronger than I am and that I'm weak or that I have fucked up again and I'm a loser and I'm not as good as other people. That's something I have been telling for so many years now. But I when I really look at what happens after a slip I think most of us that have some serious streaks under their belt should do able to cope with a slip.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This is my great problem. I don't want to miss out on the new stuff. Maybe the perfect video has finally been released. That's why I almost always relapse on Fridays, when I can catch up. I need to realize that it's just more of the same old.
  6. trapped7

    trapped7 "what you resist persists"

    Even with that slip it's very evident from reading your journal that you're much better than me.
    That line you wrote "feeling very healthy" - I wish I"d be able to say that or that I'd ever be able to say or think that again.

    What made you go vegan?
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Lately just not finding the time to write here, and I am missing it a lot. Now with the Coronavirus stuff we can't go to work, and it is just crazily busy with 3 kids. We're trying to have a schedule and home school our oldest, but man is this tough. And it is going to last quite a while. There are some positive sides on it as well and that is the time we're spending as a family. It is also a lot of fun and very fulfilling. Now happy that we're living in a small village with plenty of opportunity to go outside and not in a city. We've been coughing like crazy since last Thursday, and hopefully it is the virus so at least for ourselves we got that over with.

    Also stumbled on something interesting. Our oldest son is a bit different than other kids, in the sense that for instance at school he is really introvert, needs his time to retreat from other kids, easily affected by things, for which he needs a lot of time to process them emotionally. He is also very peculiar with food and other sensations. On the other hand it also means that he has enormous eye for detail, is has a very good memory and a very rich fantasy. We had quite some days in which it was very difficult to get him to school and that made me look online for what the problem could be. I encountered something called 'sensory processing sensitivity':

    It is a term that was launched in the 90s by a psychologist that had those traits herself. The rem has been used a lot by new-age people, but is now more and more recognized by psychologists. I found it very relieving to find this information, cause my wife and I felt that we did something wrong somehow. Also it makes me realize that I have this as well. I told my wife that I might have similar traits and she said 'definitely!'. It shakes things up for me a bit, because I realize that my father is like this as well and even his (passed) father. People with SPS are very prone to have addictions and this gives me a indication that probably this is why my father was an alcoholic (something that has always been unclear to me) and maybe even why I have this maturbation and porn problem (and in the past problems with weed and alcohol). I am noty looking for excuses, but I find it interesting to investigate this further. Knowing some of you a bit, I wouldn't be surprised if I am not the only one with SPS on this board. In the upcoming time I hope to read a bit more about it. I really want to know how I can guide my son better and how I can find ways to deal with it myself. One of the most affecting ways at this moment I am affected (wierd sentence, sorry), is the constant chatter in my head. Especially angry conversations. I have had that all my life and it is one of the characteristics of a SPS-person, not able to let (emotions) go.

    Well, later more!

    @Living. Yes definitely. Although I have been with an addicited (fantasy) mind for a couple of days since the relapse. Now it is more quiet on that front.

    @Eternity. More of the same old indeed.... The real new stuff comes into our lives when we stay away from it.

    @trapped7 . I was not eating so many dairy products anyway and decided for myself I can't eat meat anymore. What triggered it was some recent news that even in our most modern and animal-friendly slaughter houses, pigs are beaten, abused and burned (hairs) alive.
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2020
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I've heard of Highly Sensitive Person, which appears to be the same thing or overlapping. I identify with you when you say having SPS makes it easier for you to get addicted to things. I think we're easily overwhelmed, especially sensory-overloading things like porn.

    I spend a lot of time calm, with the lights and the volume low, to help me recover from time with bright lights and loud noises. I don't know if you can do this, since you're employed, but it could be the beginning of you being able to manage being SPS.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @nuclpow. Although I knew that I had to take more breaks in general, this realization may give me another push in the right direction. I think I can easily do that, even if it is just for short periods.

    What happened to Bobo? I can't find his journal anymore.......
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Despite all the terrible things that are happening, I also strongly feel some positive aspects of the pandemia. I am able to spend so much time with the kids. We're outside a lot, going for walks and gardening. It also makes me aware of the fact that I am on the one hand not where I want to be in terms of place to live and work, but on the other hand picking the fruits of that in this situation. Life is interesting. I think after closing down this website I am going to write a letter to my father. It will be a summary of a summary of a summary, just leaving the essential part, i.e. describing my feelings. It is then up to him what to do with it. I hope that all of you are OK.
    Living, nuclpow and Pete McVries like this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Saw a news article this morning that pornhub has 14% more visitors in the Netherlands due to the corona-measures. Most activity in the afternoon and late evening. 'When wife and children are in bed' it said. Also on a webcam site the activity went up, especially activity in which you can press a button and make a vibrator of a pornstar go off. I found it a bit confronting to read. My initial reaction was: all of that is so sick. But a millisecond later realizing that that is my behaviour as well.
    NCBob likes this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday a bit of a long and tiring day. My wife went to bed early and without hesitation I decided i would watch porn. Even prepared myself with my credit card to get access to some real good stuff. Started browsing, but could get interested the slightest. I guess I needed a fix, but porn couldn't do the trick. Closed off my laptop, went to bed and read in my book. It is fro ma Dutch writer, and called 'the sons of Bruce Lee'. This guy had quite a challenging childhood and he got inspiration to overcome his difficulties from Bruce Lee. This book is basically a long letter to his son. Interesting so far. Today having a real good day, but again very tiring. I have to watch out not to go this way anymore (I mean the intention to watch porn). Take time for myself to relax, even if it is just for 5 minutes.
    Pete McVries, nuclpow and NCBob like this.
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad to see that you're staying vigilant with your journal, Gil79:) The board has gotten deathly quiet as of late, and you are proof that there are still signs of life here:D With all the craziness with COVID-19 going on in the world, it's easy to lose sight of the amazing opportunities for growth and healing that are being presented as well. The world's crisis doesn't need to be our crisis. Keep up your most excellent efforts:)
    Saville likes this.
  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I don't know if you meant it in an ironic way but the "real good stuff" is not better than the free stuff out there and both are not good at all. Try to remember the underwhelming feeling of dissatisfaction and disenchantment once you're done and have post orgasmic clarity.
    nuclpow, Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @NCBob. The board has been good to me for almost 8 years, so I am trying to be good for the board in return :), even if it needs an almost-relapse for my message to be meaningful ;):D

    @Pete McVries: at the moment I wrote it I was ironic, but at that moment they were the serious thoughts of my agitated, greedy and selfish mind. Nothing good comes from porn . . .
    Pete McVries likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Woke up last night at 2AM. At 4AM I was still awake with angry thoughts. I hate being in that state. I should have gone downstairs and watch a movie or read a book or write or something. I MOed instead. After that I fell alseep. It works, but it is not the emotional management I want to use. Note to self: breathing exercises before going to bed.
    Boxer17 and Pete McVries like this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    The COVID situation gives me an enormous amount of time to spend with my wife and kids, without the daily stress of work. I am still working some hours from home, but somehow that is just less stressful for me than to interact so much with colleagues. It is so fulfilling and I also see that the wife and kids are also positively affected. I spend at least 3 hours a day in my garden, which I have now expanded to a 200 square meter area. The babies are sleeping in the stroller or playing on a blanket. My oldest son is either helping me or playing in the sand. I feel extremely happy at these moments. This is how I imagined fatherhood. I realize in what luxury position I am at the moment. With my job and the place I live I don't foresee any large consequences of the current situation. On the other hand I do see how this is different for others. In the region where I live, many people have their business or work in tourism. They are hit hard. And this is just in the well-developed country I live in. It is a very dual situation.

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