Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Both of my sisters are in close contact with him, which makes sense from a nurturing/care-giving perspective, as well as from the dysfunctional family dynamics perspective. I'm at peace with the boundaries I have with my dad at the moment. I have another letter to write him, and I need to continue to process my feelings from the last letter he sent, before I do this.

    It did until I accepted it:) I was in a men's group years ago, and at the end of our group, the facilitator gave everyone a card with a mantra on it. Mine was "accept the unacceptable". I was a bit annoyed in getting it back then:mad: Not so much now:D
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So much to write and at the same it feels so useless to write it down. It would just be a long complaint. What is the best antidote for feeling frustrated? Answer: writing down what you're grateful for. So, here we go, like @Living, 3 things I am grateful for. 1) I am grateful for sitting here with my son next to me. Having children is a healing experience on itself. 2) I am grateful for a sunny day. I will take my son outside after this to get some vitamin D, fresh air and have some fun. 3) I am grateful for being healthy. I have quite very bad in taking care of my own body for a long time, but I am healthy and now I want to keep taking good care of it. It has been carrying me for almost 41 years now and I am grateful for that.

    @Living: thanks man. I'll keep that in mind. And yeah, I am happy I cried, also together with my wife. I also thought I kind of lost that ability, but believe me, sleep deprivation works ;). So does quitting PMO....

    @NCBob: thanks! it is crazy that your sisters are so close to him. Interesting that you bring up that care-giving perspective. I felt very angry that my sister didn't back me up in this, whikle at the same time I also see how much she's affected by his behaviour.

    About 'accept the unacceptable' I feel like I have been doing that for too long now. I think I can accept it and forgive him when he passes away. Now every time I hear about him I just feel hate. Yep guys, I got more writing to do, haha :D
     
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  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    So I should get kids too?;)

    I think there is a difference between accepting something and having to do something with that. Sure, you could accept your dad for what he is, but that doesn't mean you have to visit him every weekend and feel bad about it. In fact, if you would accept that your dad is a jerk and has a toxic effect on you and therefore you keep your contact to a minimum, that sounds a whole lot more like acceptance to me.
     
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Today it is 41 years ago I was born. My father in law wrote me that I started the road for 50. Time flies. But I am really OK with getting older. Life keeps getting better for me. I don't even want to go back to my 20s or 30s. They made me who I am now and there's so much cool stuff out there to do and so much still to learn. I am excited about the future. I love life without fantasy and porn.
     
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday, king of Uruk! :)

    So much better than being stuck in the loop not seeing any light at the end of tunnel, indeed!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Fish Hawk

    Fish Hawk Well-Known Member

    Happy birthday! My thinking says you have a fantastic attitude! Rock on bro !
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Belated happy birthday Gil!

    Sound really good. What you write here is my goal basically.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    A bit late to the party, but happy b-day!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Big fight with my wife this morning after another chaotic and broken night. It started after I told her it would be good to stop breastfeeding. Something I avoided talking about cause I knew it would make her angry. On the one hand women want fathers to be involved, but on the other hand they often feel that they know better when it comes down to these things. Well, that's just nonsense. I also told her that. I am a 100% committed father and I have just as much to say about these things according to my fatherly intuition.

    It felt wrong to have a fight, as if it was not justified for me to stand up for myself in this. But that's just nice guy issues. I kept the issue going until she walked away. Later she came back and we had a whispering fight cause I had a sleeping baby in my arms. Really funny situation actually.

    Well, things will settle again. I made my point and proud to have kept my back straight and heart strong. I love her and we're great in what we're doing together. But this was just necessary.
     
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  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Reminds me of a friend's parents who always started arguing in English as if children wouldn't know what's up :D. Well, and my parents, they just started shouting and bickering at each other. At least, I learned to fight and argue properly this way but it was very stressful at times haha :). I hope you can make up with your wife again. And good on you for standing your ground.
     
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  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Feeling really angry today. But it feels like a healthy kind of anger. Some sort of agression that I need to get what I want. I guess this is part of my brain rebalancing.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Happy Belated Birthday, Gil79! At 63, I can tell you that life keeps getting better and better, in spite of and because of the challenges that we face. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. Keep up your most excellent efforts!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    anger that we're able to feel and express in healthy ways is always a good thing:D
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yes, definitely. Last night I have been awake for many hours. The most annoying thing, cause I need every bit of sleep. But I just accepted the anger and thoughts that kept me awake. For most of my life I have dealt with these situations by fantasy, masturbation and/ or porn. Now it feels like a natural state to just accept tje feelings for what they are. Despite the anger issue, I feel emotionally more mature.
     
    A New Man likes this.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Today such a nice day with the babies. Later in the afternoon I took my oldest son for the first time to a gymnastics club nearby. He really didn't want go, but in the end he enjoyed it a lot. Soon he will be old enough for judo as well. I think that will be really good for him. In the evening we were sitting at the table with the whole family. Everybody happy. I feel blessed.
     
    TheScriabin, -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    There's no shame in shedding a few tears. Especially since you were dealing with something as emotionally difficult as a strained relationship with your father. I'm sure many of us here have done our fair share of crying, I know I have.

    I wish I could think like this. I kind of fear getting older and am plagued by worries about having not reaching my full potential. But you have the right mentality - we should look forward and get excited about what lies ahead. Things are definitely looking up for you. Despite the sleepless nights you're making good progress and learning to come to terms with negative emotions such as anger. And it sounds like you're really enjoying spending time with your children - that's priceless.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think that looking forward is really an active process and that the psychological effect is enormous. If you keep thinking about what you should have done, you basically keep telling yourself how you failed. It is aggressive towards yourself. We must tell ourselves that we love ourselves for having brought us here where we are at and see what we can do to make things even better. I just have to look at the news to realize how blessed I am.
     
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks man.
     
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    OK, I have some good news and some bad news.

    I will start with the bad news. I PMOed last Saturday. I got home late from a frustrating meeting. Had some beers after the meeting as well. At home I just didn't even think about it. I wanted porn and I used it. It didn't affect me so far, but it was a bad bad decision. Not the road to take.

    Then the good news. Monday night we had the best night in 10 months. We all slept through the night: wife, me, kids. In the morning we were suoer rested. Everyone in a supreme mood. This is how life can be. Work was great. I enjoyed it and felt motivated. In the evening last night the kids were all in bed at 8 PM and me and mrs Gil had sex on the couch downstairs. I feel human again. Last night sleep was not bad either.

    Also picked up running and small work-outs lately. Been running at night in the dunes. Awesome. I feel more alive lately ans feel really positive about the future. At least for my own life. It makes me feel sick to read about the ongoing shit in Syria, Jemen and all those warzones. It is fucking inhumane.
     
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Focus on the good news, but I'm sure you already know that. From what I've read you've made strong progress in the last year. That's the difference between abstaining and recovering. If someone is just waiting for things to get better a relapse is devastating. But if you focus on other things in your life and make good progress a relapse cannot destroy that.
     
    Gil79, Pete McVries and Living like this.

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