Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sending you strength for your trip man !

    It sounds like a really good plan I think you got this !
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks guys.

    The travel was shit with many delays. The meeting went awesome. I took good care of myself: healthy food, good sleep (finally), breathing & meditation, no acting out, no alcohol. As a result, the interaction with others was really good. It showed me how life can be when you fully accept yourself and how that can make you very assertive (ie accept and be open about your flaws and realize that despite those you still have the same rights as anyone else). I think I have really learned multiple lesson here. One of them is a reconsideration of the time frame in which 'instant gratification versus long-term satisfaction' takes place. This is not the now versus the rest of your life, it is really about the next day. There is so much wisdom in taking things day by day. What you do right now, will affect you immediately. Focusing on being healthy in the further future doesn't work. It is too far away. You constantly have to focus on the next day, or even the next part of the day. Porn will always make you feel worse. So you have to increase the importance you give to the next moment. In my case now, the next moment was extremely important, because I wanted to interact well with others in an assertive way and with a clear mind. With porn brainfog that would have never happened. So there was almost an urgency to not act out and choose for long-term satisfaction over immediate gratification. The problems can occur when we can't find that urgency, because the reward is not that large or too far into the future.

    Another one is ofcourse to lower the need for instant gratification and that means taking good care of yourself and deal with your problems. There's only one real problem atm I have to solve and that is my dad. I feel I am ready now to tackle this problem and deal with him.

    Well, those were just some thoughts I wanted to share. Travelling back home now. Train ride is great: sunny, beautiful view over the German landscape. No delays so far.
     
  3. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Great post bro, happy to see you managed your work trip perfectly! Inspiring.
    Take care @Gil79 !
     
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    "Deutsche Bahn" and no delays? This can't be true.

    Just kidding. I'm glad you had a good time on your trip.
     
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing these nice insights and glad to hear you handled this trip like a boss !

    I love that special mood of feeling grounded, calm and authentic. It's like we're open to others, not judgmental, but we don't fall into people pleasing and overly nice either. We really know where we stand and can act accordingly from that place. It's good to see how our lifestyle choices can increase the chances of us getting to this mindset.

    The hurdle for me is to not get discouraged when I do take the right decisions and still have a bad mindset (too shy, or too nice submissive). But I think patience is key, resilience and also when this happens it's cause there are still things to correct (for example maybe I was over stimulated from something else, such as watching the wrong type of movie way too late) and more so things to learn about interaction itself, things to catch up on perhaps.
     
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @Outsider. @-Luke- and @Thelongwayhome27!

    Well, it was not true....my post was from right before a 1 hour delay :eek::D

    Yes, it is indeed important to stay focused even when we don't get what we aim for. It is dangerous to have expectations, I guess.


    This weekend I have left my phone in a drawer most of the time. It helped me greatly with staying mindful and be close to 100% there for my family. Will make this a habit. Consequence is that I will check in here a bit less, but will try at least twice a week.
     
  7. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Very nice habit! I mostly do the same, I put it in silent mode somewhere and I don’t care about it.
    Well done bro
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Weekly Health Monitoring

    taking energy

    FPMO: 2/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 0/10
    Approval seeking: 0/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 0/10
    Non sexual fantasies: 1/10
    Phone use & TV: 1/10
    Tendency to hide: 0/10
    Anger: 1/10

    yielding energy
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 7/10
    Healthy food: 6/10
    Exercise: 1/10
    Intimacy wife: 5/10
    Interaction with men: 9/10
    Mindfulness: 6/10
    Reading/ wood carving/ music: 7/10
    Positive attitude towards others: 7/10

    Cold showers: no
    Breathing exercise: yes
    Intermittent fasting: no

    Grateful for: my friendship with buddy T. Knowing eachother already for 25 years.

    What I need most right now: stay comfortable with my current attitude of personal leadership.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    This message is just meant to be a little bit encouraging. Take care, big guy.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Doing well lately. Having way more sleep and rest, which really strengthens me in my journey to a porn-free life. Actually porn does not seem to be an issue lately, but I must do anything I can to keep it like that. I am also living more in the moment, being able to just accept negative feelings and make good short- and long term decisions. I keep my head cool, so to say, and I think that that is really something I have learned this year.

    Have to keep working on intimacy with my wife. There is still little chance and time for that with the kids. We're still doing well, and I feel love and attraction, but we're more partners in running a houshold/ family than lovers/ intimate partners. On the long term this situation this is not manageable.

    Weekly Health Monitoring

    taking energy

    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 5/10
    Approval seeking: 5/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 0/10
    Non sexual fantasies: 1/10
    Phone use & TV: 1/10
    Tendency to hide: 0/10
    Anger: 1/10

    yielding energy
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 8/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Exercise: 1/10
    Intimacy wife: 2/10
    Interaction with men: 9/10
    Mindfulness: 6/10
    Reading/ wood carving/ music: 6/10
    Positive attitude towards others: 7/10

    Cold showers: no
    Breathing exercise: no
    Intermittent fasting: yes

    Grateful for: a new friendship with buddy K who I met last week.

    What I need most right now: Stay mindful, and slowly get back to breathing, meditation and cold showers.
     
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congratulation on having the courage to really acknowledge and look at what is bothering you. This, in my opinion, is a sure sign of progress !

    You could just be pushing these feelings away and numb yourself, but it takes serious presence in one's life and guts to look at what is bothering oneself and then examine solutions in order to improve that element.

    You are being rewarded for your efforts with living more consciously and that is great (and inspiring !) :)
     
    Gil79 and Boxer17 like this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night I wanted to check some porn gifs on my phone. Shit, I am not doing that kind of stuff anymore, right? There was a moment of inner conflict. I focused really hard on finding an urgency to not do so. That urgency was that I wanted to wake up feeling proud and positive and that I wanted satisfying interactions throughout the day. It helped to realize that I only have to make the right decision at the moment. Tomorrow's trouble is a worry for later. I made the right decision and feel really good about it now. Realize I was triggered by an awkward social situation and accumulated tiredness.

    Thanks so much for your kind words @Thelongwayhome27
     
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Great job in successfully navigating through a tough spot, Gil79:) Seeing the bigger picture when those small-minded urges kick into high gear is not easy.
     
    Gil79, -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  14. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good job, Gil. I like how you made that choice not out of a bad conscience or something like that but instead you actively chose long-term happiness over instant gratification. Like @NCBob said: the bigger picture.

    I hope for you that you and your wife find some time for intimacy soon. I can't imagine how hard that must be with three little children around.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  15. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Hey man, how are you doing?
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @NCBob, @-Luke-, and @Pete McVries!

    I am doing really well I think. I am being lived more than that I live, but I am dealing well. @-Luke- wrote the other day that his work kind of forces him to interact with people. I feel the same. I work and I am busy with my family. It all just keeps me going and I don't have a chance to step out of it or to dwell too much on negative thoughts. Let alone to watch porn, cause sleep just is way more appealing. Things are tough, with so little sleep, but I feel so satisfied with my life right now. Porn is not an issue at the moment and hasn't been for a long time now. This is also a reason that I don't really know what to write here lately. That is positive I guess. The health monitoring here in my journal also has really helped me become aware of my behaviour and correct when necessary. In a short period I was able to integrate that awareness in my life. Now I keep reminding myself automatically not to seek approval of others, to be assertive and to live as healthy as I can. I hope I can make a stable state out of this.

    I wish I had more time to be interactive in the journals of my reboot brothers here. Nonetheless I am following and supporting in silence. Keep it up guys!
     
  17. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Thanks for the support @Gil79

    Insomnia has been coming back to me and I think it is the holiday season business. As you said, "I am being lived more than that I live." I also resonate with what you posted earlier about being partners/parents more than lovers. For me, there's still shame in me about using P and cheating on my spouse. So, engaging in intimate acts brings that up and kills my mood. I have more work to do with that shame.
     
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Then dealing with that shame seems a priority for you. How do you want to tackle that? My wife and I were having a seldom moment of quietness earlier this week. We were on the couch and started making out. It was awesome and was going to lead to more .... then one baby started crying.... then the other.... moment gone... haha. Next time better, but for now I am also enjoying the milder forms of intimacy like hugging, kissing, etc.
     
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night in bed I felt like fantasizing. Fortunately an inner warning system alerted me, making me realize that sexual fantasies are my real achilles heel. Hardly ever I start watching porn out of nothing. It always starts with mild fantasies, touching, edging, etc for a couple of days before I shift my boundaries far enough to actually watch porn. I was able to just go to sleep.
     
    Living and Pete McVries like this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I have the same thing. Porn doesn't really interest at all in itself. Even when I do watch porn it's rather something to visualize my fantasies than I watch porn just because I want to watch porn. My slips are always preceded by lingering fantasies that just surface regularly for a few days. Knowing that it should also be the moment to do something about it, right? Being aware of that and doing something about it, like you did last night, is the best way to deal with it.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  21. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sounds really good, Gil. You are a true inspiration.
     
    Gil79 likes this.

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