Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Had 2 really bad nights in a row. Kids waking eachother up throughout the night in a crying contest. Daughter quite sick. Really hope to sleep good tonight.

    Went today with son to check a school for him. Exciting. School didn't seem good, so going to visit more schools. We find it most important that the school puts emphasis on things like social development, expression and respect and interaction with other kids.

    Wife and I really good, despite the lack of sleep and long long busy days. In the beginning of our relationship I doubted whether she was 'the one'. Even thought of breaking up at some point. I don't believe anymore in 'the one'. It is of what you make out of it. We did a great job together and she is really my life partner.

    Goodnight guys.

    Oh yeah, low salt diet is a major change for me. One week in, so bit short, but strongly reduced stress and sweating! I guess my bloodpressure was a bit high and this helps. Let's see....
    Living, forlorn, A New Man and 2 others like this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree! When I met my wife I thought she WAS the one and then I cheated on her twice. So, was she or wasn't she? lol It's hard to pick "the one" when we don't even know ourselves that well.

    Love what you posted above, Gil.
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Interesting, and so true!
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Family visit tomorrrow. Will see sister and father at the birthday of my nephew. Looking up to seeing my father. But also seeing my sister (wd get along well) is always putting me off a bit. We'll see how it goes. Note to self: dont let it lead to FPMO! Better feel bad than worse.
    NCBob likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We can be victims of our family or victims of ourselves. We have that choice. I have no doubt you will have strength today.
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Family visits can be button punchers, for sure. It's what we do after our buttons are punched that move us forward or keep us stuck. Here's to moving forward, Gil79:)
    Gil79 and MissingSelfCompassion like this.
  7. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I like what everyone has added and I have to add that I think my own avoidance of family visits leads to my anxiety around upcoming visits. It is especially pronounced now that I live several thousand miles away.
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks guys. It went all really well. Felt a bit overwhelmed at night, but the kids kept me busy. And I guess that that is anyway the best way to deal with it. Just dont overthink it and let it go so you can focus on what you really want to invest in.

    Hope to start sleeping better again though, cause I felt like a wreck today. 2 babies and a toddler, it is just crazy. Beautiful, but crazy.
    A New Man, nuclpow and Pete McVries like this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last night I almost watched porn. I had just finished writing my post and wanted to type a pornsite in my browser. I was in doubt for 5 seconds or so and went to sleep. Later at night I woke up with wood and had the same dubio about to touch or not to touch. I didn't. It is so easy to relapse. I notice I am kind of in the same situation now.

    I am noticing the benefits of abstaining: better interaction, more positive, personal power, forebrain thinking, physical health, intimacy wife, etc, etc. Watching porn is the first step in throwing that all away again.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Again amazed how not watching porn and masturbating for a couple of weeks improves the relationship with my wife. We have so much more fun and I notice how she feels more attracted to me. Relationships need to be polar, like yin and yang. The energy has to flow between partners. With porn it is just yin and semi-yang. The energy is drained and doesn't flow. Porn is poison. Still I am tempted to type a pornsite in my browser and put my hand in my pants to get a nice high. Will stay off porn today.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Weekly Health Monitoring

    taking energy

    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 2/10
    Approval seeking: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 0/10
    Non sexual fantasies: 3/10
    Phone use & TV: 6/10
    Tendency to hide: 0/10
    Anger: 2/10

    yielding energy
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 2/10
    Healthy food: 8/10
    Exercise: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 5/10
    Interaction with men: 7/10
    Mindfulness: 3/10
    Reading/ wood carving/ music: 2/10
    Positive attitude towards others: 6/10

    Cold showers: yes
    Breathing exercise: no
    Intermittent fasting: no

    Grateful for: everything. I feel so grateful for all the things that I normally take for granted: my health, my beautiful and healthy children, my wife, my job, the place where I live, living in freedom thanks to the efforts of others, etc.

    What I need most right now: stay the course and stay close to myself. As my signature says: relaxation is essential to recovery.

    Learned from today's health monitoring: in the evenings when I have some time for myself I'd better read, exercise or practice music than be on my phone or watch TV. Got to keep doing effort to be mindful and do breathing exercises and have to work on the intimacy with my wife. We need to make time for eachother.
  12. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I've noticed the same thing. On days where I've spent time looking at porn I feel less of a connection with my wife. On those days I don't want to engage in long conversations with her and sometimes I don't want to kiss or touch her because I feel I don't deserve to. Keeping away from porn gives us peace of mind and we naturally become better at interacting with others.
    nuclpow and Gil79 like this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    At the risk of being redundant, I just wanted to share: Boy, does it ever! You said that well.

    I am much more confident when I'm working on quitting porn and when I'm not looking at porn or gratuitous nudity. Working on it seems to be a key for me, though. For examples, that would include installing filtering, writing posts here, and interacting with others here. I'm apparently 19 days more or less clean and I feel so confident. I'm also thankful to know that abstaining from porn makes a romantic relationship more peaceful and intimate. Something for me to look forward to. :)
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I have to completely agree here. In my experience as well, the best "effects" (self esteem, self confidence, self respect) come when I'm actively engaged in my recovery. If I'm far in a streak but have lost my way (fantasies, lack of motivation, doubt about the path), I don't feel as well anymore. I think a lot of the good effects come from the fact that we know we are taking care of ourselves and that increases the self esteem. The key seems to learn how to go through the various (seemingly inevitable slums) and to come back to that active mode of working on ourselves.

    Well done Gil and takes for reminding me/us of the good benefits of quitting the porncave.
    Gil79, nuclpow and A New Man like this.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Whole family sick. Last night terrible. Today just surrendered to it and did what I had to do: taking care of my wife and kids. Mind over matter. Gives me a lot of confidence. Hoping for some sleep tonight. Porn addiction seems non-existent, which is dangerous. It is part of the relapse trap.
  16. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    The challenge is to both enjoy it and remain vigilant to it at the same time, Gil79:)
    Gil79, nuclpow and Outsider. like this.
  18. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Exactly, it has to be on our mind as a project on which we're willfully and constantly working. I couldn't have said "actively engaged" better myself.

    I hope @Gil79 doesn't mind me using his journal to go on about this.

    Exactly. I hope the following helps: When I notice that I start to get into that trap I think it's best to start working on porn addiction quitting again. For example, you could double-check that all your filters are good, you could post here, you could talk to men in your support and accountability circle as recommended by the No More Mr. Nice Guy! book, or whatever else you think is the priority for getting free from internet porn.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Everyone getting better here again. A quick but virulent virus. Today I was even able to take the babies to my vegetable garden and do some weeding. Thought about giving up the garden cause this year I really didn't have time for it, but just the idea of planting potatoes and harvesting my artichokes next year makes me want to continue. I should make time for it, cause it makes me happy.

    A friend of mine send me a Whatsapp with a woman flashing her boobs. I knew what was coming, but still watched it. I just laughed about it, cause it was funny, and then closed it off. I should delete it I guess, but don't feel it is dangerous at the moment. No arousal response of any kind.

    'Thanks for your encouragement @forlorn, @nuclpow, @Thelongwayhome27, @Pete McVries and @NCBob. Active recovery seems to be the key message. A bad decision is made so easily. But generally all my relapses this year started with fantasies. It is key for me to stay away from fantasies. They seem so innocent, especially after being clean for a couple of weeks.

    After writing the above, my son started vomiting again in bed. Poor thing. And what a mess. Going to bed now, get some sleep and think about active recovery. Indeed that should also include NMMNG.

    Please do :)
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Staying home with my son today. Frustrating to loose a day at work while I was finally catching up on things again. On the other hand, what am I talking about. Family is priority and a day at home taking it easy is also good for myself.

    Last night I was thinking that I really need a strong barrier against sexual fantasies. As long as I allow them, I am highly vulnerable to a relapse. Fantasies keep the visual-sexual dopamine reward system alive. Always after a couple of weeks of abstaining they start coming. Instead of allowing them, I should see it as top-priority to further strengthen my defense and starve the reward system. Neurons that fire together, wire together. Changing our brains takes a long time. Sexual fantasies inhibit this change. When you're building a dike against the water, and after a couple of weeks a bit of water comes seeping through, your alarm bells start ringing. It should be like this with fantasies. Those fantasies have no benefit at all.

    Last night in bed I imagined a metal gate. The gate to my sexual fantasies. It was already closed, cause it is a couple of weeks ago I used fantasies to stimulate my reward system. I imagined, locking the doors, welding the doors of the gate together and putting an extra padlock. Fighting fantasies with fantasies ;-). Next time I have an urge to fantasize, I bring up this mental image and keep adding layers to the gate!

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