Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That is awesome. Did that some years ago and really helped me, especially to deal with shame. Could use some therapy again I guess, but for now just a normal sleeping pattern would also help :D.

    Indeed, the change has to come from within. But a more healthy sex life definitely helps.

    I am reading in it on a daily basis. It feels like it is written for me. Hope it helps you too!
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 3/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 9/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 5/10
    Intimacy wife: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 6/10
    Interaction with men: 6/10
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Bit down right now. Maybe withdrawal symptom. Spending many thoughts on what to do with my father. Havent been in contact for 7 months and like to keep it like that. Feel guilty to him though, especially because he doesnt see his grandchildren. Fuck.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 9/10
    Excercise: 5/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 4/10
    Interaction with men: 2/10
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Is your father manipulative or abusive with you, or has he been and not acknowledged it and not made amends? Not seeing you or his grandchildren may be exactly what he deserves and needs. I read other forums where people go no contact with abusive and mean family. If it's really that bad that you had to go no contact, you're probably doing the right thing. Thanks for replying to my post.
     
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    My father was an alcoholic. He left when I was 7 y/o. He quit drinking 15 years ago and we got in contact again. I think that I was expecting that somehow I got my father back and that could undo the past. It is recently that I realized this is not true. That he's just an empty shell of what he could have been (to me). He had a stroke in January and expected us (me and sister) to take care of him. We did, but since then I can not see or hear him anymore. I feel so much anger towards him. I realized that I wished he died. It would have given peace of mind. Don't know what to do with it now.

    Thanks for asking man.


    Had a great day today. Slept reasonably well and had day off. Nice and rewarding day with the kids.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 7/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 5/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 2/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 1/10
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Indeed very hard. For me and I am not suggesting it should be for you: when my father left me after my mother died I hated him for many years. As time went by I finally realized this: I needed to forgive him for not being the person I wanted him to be. Who am I to judge but I was. The hated was mine it was diminishing and dominating me not him. He was gone but the hated was still there. He was him not the person I wanted him to be. When this finally came to me it was as though I didnt have a ton of weight on my chest. I forgave him for being him, being gone didn't matter. I haven't thought off this for many years. Be kind to yourself Gil79.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2019 at 8:02 PM
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for sharing your experience @Bobo. For many years I thought I had forgiven him. But I guess I just kind of tolerated it. I think that also that my oldest is really growing up to be a little boy now brings up all kinds of memories and nakes me realize the intolerability of what he did.

    But I definitely see your point that he is who he is and that he can never be (and I cant expect that) who I want him to be. Lately I do spend many hours of angry thoughts on him. I'd rather take real distance from him. My sister still sees him though for her kids. I would have to go through such a barrier to forgive him, especially when I would still see him. But maybe that is what emotional maturation involves....
     
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Health monitoring of yesterday. Found it to risky to go online.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 5/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 5/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 2/10
    Interaction with men: 5/10
     
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Would like to watch P now. Just a moment for myself to relax and escape. Will feel really shity tomorrow if I do so. What I really need is sleep.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 0/10
    Approval seeking: 5/10
    Assertiveness: 9/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 6/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 1/10
    Interaction with men: 4/10
    Mindfulness: 4/10
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2019 at 6:46 AM
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Your Brain on Porn recommends, and says it's required, that we get enough sleep. I think I read lack of sleep builds up some kind of chemical which makes self-control harder, and plus it's hard to reboot (edit: I mean to rewire) if your nerves are frazzled from lack of sleep. Self-care is probably most of quitting porn. I just found this out recently. I slept until 4 PM today, and it was a good thing. I needed that to help keep sane and from porn.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019 at 8:44 PM
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I definitely agree....

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 4/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Approval seeking: 2/10
    Assertiveness: 9/10
    Time for self: 7/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 7/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 4/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 1/10
    Mindfulness: 2/10
     
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Fed a baby last night at 2AM and took a long time to fall asleep again. First many angry thoughts. Then realizing how they come from my 'nice guy' lifestyle. I really have to work on this. It is even more important than my porn addiction on itself, although it is all part of the same thing. I had this realization last night how all the human interaction I have is with women. And that is because of the choices I have been making unconciously. I am in a cage with the door unlocked. I just have to walk out. I have to interact more with men.
     
    Saville likes this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I know what you mean, but posting here counts as interacting with men, too. You guys give me manly advice. It's a start.

    Edit: Near the beginning of No More Mr. Nice Guy it says to have an accountability group of at least three men, or of three groups of men. I've got at least two going, how many do you have?
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019 at 5:20 AM
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Actually just one. YBR included. I have some good friends, but they live far away. Bit sad actually. There are also no support groups nearby. I should call my friends more often.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 0/10
    Approval seeking: 0/10
    Assertiveness: 9/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 6/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 2/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 5/10
    Interaction with men: 4/10
    Mindfulness: 6/10
     

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