Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That is awesome. Did that some years ago and really helped me, especially to deal with shame. Could use some therapy again I guess, but for now just a normal sleeping pattern would also help :D.

    Indeed, the change has to come from within. But a more healthy sex life definitely helps.

    I am reading in it on a daily basis. It feels like it is written for me. Hope it helps you too!
     
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 3/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 9/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 5/10
    Intimacy wife: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 6/10
    Interaction with men: 6/10
     
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  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Bit down right now. Maybe withdrawal symptom. Spending many thoughts on what to do with my father. Havent been in contact for 7 months and like to keep it like that. Feel guilty to him though, especially because he doesnt see his grandchildren. Fuck.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 9/10
    Excercise: 5/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 4/10
    Interaction with men: 2/10
     
  4. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Is your father manipulative or abusive with you, or has he been and not acknowledged it and not made amends? Not seeing you or his grandchildren may be exactly what he deserves and needs. I read other forums where people go no contact with abusive and mean family. If it's really that bad that you had to go no contact, you're probably doing the right thing. Thanks for replying to my post.
     
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    My father was an alcoholic. He left when I was 7 y/o. He quit drinking 15 years ago and we got in contact again. I think that I was expecting that somehow I got my father back and that could undo the past. It is recently that I realized this is not true. That he's just an empty shell of what he could have been (to me). He had a stroke in January and expected us (me and sister) to take care of him. We did, but since then I can not see or hear him anymore. I feel so much anger towards him. I realized that I wished he died. It would have given peace of mind. Don't know what to do with it now.

    Thanks for asking man.


    Had a great day today. Slept reasonably well and had day off. Nice and rewarding day with the kids.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 7/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 5/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 2/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 1/10
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Indeed very hard. For me and I am not suggesting it should be for you: when my father left me after my mother died I hated him for many years. As time went by I finally realized this: I needed to forgive him for not being the person I wanted him to be. Who am I to judge but I was. The hated was mine it was diminishing and dominating me not him. He was gone but the hated was still there. He was him not the person I wanted him to be. When this finally came to me it was as though I didnt have a ton of weight on my chest. I forgave him for being him, being gone didn't matter. I haven't thought off this for many years. Be kind to yourself Gil79.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2019
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  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for sharing your experience @Bobo. For many years I thought I had forgiven him. But I guess I just kind of tolerated it. I think that also that my oldest is really growing up to be a little boy now brings up all kinds of memories and nakes me realize the intolerability of what he did.

    But I definitely see your point that he is who he is and that he can never be (and I cant expect that) who I want him to be. Lately I do spend many hours of angry thoughts on him. I'd rather take real distance from him. My sister still sees him though for her kids. I would have to go through such a barrier to forgive him, especially when I would still see him. But maybe that is what emotional maturation involves....
     
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Health monitoring of yesterday. Found it to risky to go online.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 8/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 5/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 5/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 2/10
    Interaction with men: 5/10
     
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Would like to watch P now. Just a moment for myself to relax and escape. Will feel really shity tomorrow if I do so. What I really need is sleep.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 0/10
    Approval seeking: 5/10
    Assertiveness: 9/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 6/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 1/10
    Interaction with men: 4/10
    Mindfulness: 4/10
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2019
  10. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Your Brain on Porn recommends, and says it's required, that we get enough sleep. I think I read lack of sleep builds up some kind of chemical which makes self-control harder, and plus it's hard to reboot (edit: I mean to rewire) if your nerves are frazzled from lack of sleep. Self-care is probably most of quitting porn. I just found this out recently. I slept until 4 PM today, and it was a good thing. I needed that to help keep sane and from porn.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I definitely agree....

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 4/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Approval seeking: 2/10
    Assertiveness: 9/10
    Time for self: 7/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 7/10
    Phone use: 4/10
    Intimacy wife: 4/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 3/10
    Interaction with men: 1/10
    Mindfulness: 2/10
     
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Fed a baby last night at 2AM and took a long time to fall asleep again. First many angry thoughts. Then realizing how they come from my 'nice guy' lifestyle. I really have to work on this. It is even more important than my porn addiction on itself, although it is all part of the same thing. I had this realization last night how all the human interaction I have is with women. And that is because of the choices I have been making unconciously. I am in a cage with the door unlocked. I just have to walk out. I have to interact more with men.
     
    Saville likes this.
  13. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I know what you mean, but posting here counts as interacting with men, too. You guys give me manly advice. It's a start.

    Edit: Near the beginning of No More Mr. Nice Guy it says to have an accountability group of at least three men, or of three groups of men. I've got at least two going, how many do you have?
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Actually just one. YBR included. I have some good friends, but they live far away. Bit sad actually. There are also no support groups nearby. I should call my friends more often.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 0/10
    Approval seeking: 0/10
    Assertiveness: 9/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 6/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 2/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 5/10
    Interaction with men: 4/10
    Mindfulness: 6/10
     
  15. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    It's a tricky one. Sounds as if he's had his own personal struggles and maybe part of his motivation to give up the booze was so he could spend more time with his kids/grandkids.

    Loving the daily health monitoring, it's a good way of staying on track.
     
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah, definitely. Probably similar struggles as many of us here have. For a long time I felt sorry for him, but something snapped. I feel hate. I also feel fear of being like him. The fucker quit drinking because the homeless shelter where he was gave him the choice to be either there sober or in winter in freezing cold on the streets while he had his arm broken. That was his motivation.
     
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 3/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Approval seeking: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 9/10
    Time for self: 8/10
    Healthy food: 8/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 2/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 4/10
    Interaction with men: 2/10
    Mindfulness: 3/10
     
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I also have some problems with the old man Gil. Just wanted to let you know. I am fairly convinced the way my dad educated me (in my case he was not absent physically but he was overbearing - in my opinion - emotionally, and at times a bit physically). What can I say - in my understanding it's hard for me not to put 2 and 2 together. It's hard for me not to link up my general lack of self esteem and self worth, my big anxiety around authority figures (such as bosses) with the educational style I received. And it's hard not to link up my addiction around it also. Since the addiction is clearly linked to the nice guy people pleasing problems. But then again I'm working on finding a way to forgive him. I am sure he meant well but I think he just made some mistakes is all (which he doesn't admit). I want to forgive him (let go of the resentment) but it's quite hard before I don't get my stuff a bit more together. When I recognize the old patterns in our current relationship, I easily lose my temper. I can see how it's a dysfunctional part of the whole life system at this point. Anyhow, hopefully we both keep working on this and reconcile with ourselves and maybe find peace about this element. Cheers!

    I should add though that I don't think my father is the sole source of all my current problems. And I am happy he is my dad. And I should also add for all I know my interpretation is wrong. But this resentment is still an emotion I have to deal with indeed. I should also add, finally, that I think he had a lot of pain in his own childhood. And I think he hid it down in him and found a way to make himself quite strong and confident - but some stuff may have resurfaced in his relationship with me.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2019
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  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    By way, thanks a lot for telling me about No More Mr. Nice Guy. I am about 1/4 the way through, and I am getting a lot out of it. Are you? Maybe you could still use it. You seem to be doing the part in the book where it says that we Nice Guys often make a conscious decision not to be like our fathers.
     
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah, tough one. I thought I had forgiven my dad for many years. Guess I didnt do it right...... wouldnt know how.

    Reading in it every day now. It is a daily guide for me. Have to stay aware of my dependence on validation.....

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 1/10
    Approval seeking: 1/10
    Assertiveness: 7/10
    Time for self: 7/10
    Healthy food: 8/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 3/10
    Intimacy wife: 2/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 4/10
    Interaction with men: 6/10
    Mindfulness: 3/10

    Sorry for not being very interactive atm. Bit busy, but will be better......
     
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