Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Another day no P. Challenging not to fantasize or ogle with many female colleagues in shorts and dressed. Doing this for health and strength. Goodnight.
     
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  2. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I am bad at social interactions, but it would possibly be okay to say something gentle and subtle about that woman's sexy picture in the office. I'm not sure what to say, maybe something basic like, "a picture of a forest would be good" or, "my wife would skewer me she knew i was looking at something like that at work", whether or not you have a wife. Maybe consult Miss Manners.

    Now, about attractive women coworkers. Is it possible to train your eyes to look at only what is safe to look at? Sometimes I find women's eyes and face and hair interesting, and hardly any of them mind at all if you are looking all over their hair or eyes. This is the only real defense I've ever had against being attracted to women in the area. As long as you are not conversing with the person, you might look at their shoes. Women put a lot of work and thought into their hair and shoes, and seem to like it a lot when other people take some interest in it. I think they take it as a compliment. I'm just trying to give your mind something to think about other than their physical parts. It may also help to really get to know their personalities and emotions.

    I hope that helps. Use your discretion and common sense, don't let me get you fired if it's terrible advice.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Hey Mister G!
    You're totally right. Setting detailed and realistic goals really helps to get better. Instead of going where the wind pushes your sails, you do have a destination and know how to reach it. While lacking sleep is so tough you're doing well my friend.
    Regarding coworkers well dressed and in shorts, I admit it's tough, we all have those kind of trials and try to manage that as we can. We're human beings with desires and weaknesses, but as long as we don't give in we're on the right path.
    Keep going on mate!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    PMOed twice this week. Once on Thursday afternoon at work and once on Friday night. Crazy that I did that at work. Did that only once before. Yesterday I felt terrible, also because I hardly slept Frida night. I think I have never been that exhausted in my life. Somehow I got throught the day. My wife was also exhausted. When we we about to loose it, I put up some music and we all started dancing. Each a baby in the arms and my son jumping around and having the time of his life. Beautiful. Last night I slept way better.

    Have been applying for jobs. One rejected and invited for an interview for another. Notice that it makes me feel uncomfortable.

    Thanks for stopping by and the advice @quitprofoo! The postcard is still there, but I don't notice it anymore. At that moment it really lead to fantasy, but now it already got boring to me. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Could be lack of assertiveness from my side though. I really like the advice to look at hair and eyes. I have been ogling quite a lot these days, but a while ago, I didnt and was way better able to see the real beauty of women. Remember how a really big colleague of mine, who I never saw as attractive, was moving her hair behind her ear and hiw I thought it was so beautiful to see.

    Thanks for support @outsider!
     
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  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I haven't read a lot of your journal, so sorry if I'm wasting your time. Do you have any idea what thoughts or feelings start to make you want to PMO? I don't mean just triggers, I mean any feelings relating to it. I feel like you got some emotional issues that are running you into porn, something unresolved or backlogged, maybe.
    I'm just trying to help know what triggers you.

    And thanks for stopping by my journal. I know that was a few months ago, but I still remember, and it helped get me rebooting again. Thanks! I know what you mean about lack of assertiveness, though.

    I'm glad you liked the advice! What I'm thinking is, there's no way to avoid attraction to women, which is probably not a good idea anyway. So, in my life, I thought of the idea of looking at the non-sex-related parts of women. Like their hair and eyes, but also their clothes and fashion choices like the colours and material. Women usually put a lot of work into their appearances, so there's usually a lot to take in that has nothing to do with how sexually reproductive they are. In this way you might learn more abobut their personality, too. Eventually you start to think about their personality, rather than their sexiness.

    I think @outsider said it better than I did, though. Being attracted to people is part of life that most people have to deal with. It's not directly related to porn. In my life there's a woman I find really attractive, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do anything with her. I'm thinking you can learn some techniques to with not thinking other people sexually, but it's always going to be something you're going to have to try for.

    You sound like a wonderful father and good husband. Keep trying to quit porn!
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You're definitely not wasting my time @quitprofoo. I really appreciate you're thinking with me and supporting me. I think there are some emotional issues on the background. Especially my relation with my father. Just not sure what to do with that guy. Nonetheless, it is not unmanageable and I can't use that as an excuse to act out. I am able to deal with emotional discomfort in a healthy way. I have proven that to myself. I need to keep training myself.
     
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  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Crazy long day. Can't wait to go to sleep. Feeling good though. Energetic and communicating well at work.
     
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  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Some erotic dreams last night. Woke up many times with wood. It is time to have sex with wife again..... but so difficult to find time for that......
     
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  9. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I can sympathize with the problems at work. I don’t think I ever would have thought I would do that. But I guess this addiction brings you to some strange places.
     
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  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah, somehow I was able to justify this to myself: 'oh not a big deal, need relievd of tension, etc'. But you say it well that it is an addiction.
     
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  11. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I think a lot of us have emotional issues. I think I have noticed a lot of us have bad relationships with our fathers, or no fathers.

    Do you know about healthy relationship boundaries? Mostly it means that other people aren't allowed to trample on things that are yours, like your stuff, your personal time, your feelings about yourself. Do you know how to set up a healthy relationship with your father? If he's trampling on these things you have to tell him. I don't know what exactly he's doing with you but if he doesn't listen you have to enact consequences and tell him "I'll leave you alone for 2 weeks" or something like that. If you are on the phone you can say "You can't do that" or if he's in your house you can get him to leave. Don't let people have unhealthy relationships with you.

    Hint: If it's making you want to MO, it's him doing something wrong for you.
     
  12. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I read in Dr. Phil that you absolutely, really have to find time to have sex with the wife. Maybe go through your entire daily life and throw out anything, absolutely anything that does not directly lead to you being able to care for yourself and your family, including sports and volunteering.
     
  13. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Why not taking a day of half-day off and have sex during babies nap?
     
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  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Actually I don't. It is interesting you come up with that, because it is something I struggle with a lot lately. I have been realizing that I let my father cross my boundaries. This resulted in me withholding all contact since January this year. If I would have shown my boundaries in a normal way, that might not even have been necessary. I have this problem in all interhuman relationships: friends, work .... I suck in being assertive, that leads to a lot of anger and frustration, .... and that is very tempting to medicate with porn, fantasy and masturbation.

    I should make this priority..... will do so

    Going to start my health monitoring here again. End of each day answer some simple questions. Will be most about mental health. Going to start and just expand along the way.

    This one about yesterday:

    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 6/10
    Assertiveness: 4/10
    Time for self: 4/10
    Healthy food: 7/10
    Excercise: 6/10
     
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  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 3/10
    Assertiveness: 6/10
    Time for self: 6/10
    Healthy food: 8/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 5/10
    Intimacy wife: 5/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 2/10
    Interaction with men: 6/10
     
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    That's elaborate:) What I found a good way of something similar is having a couple of weekly (SMART) goals that I would grade in a friendly manner. For example, I really wanted to get my meditation practice going so I set my target at 5 days a week. 5 days a week was something I should be able to manage in my busy schedule, but still gave me a bit of slack. Ofcourse what I really really wanted is do it on a meditation, so what I would do is work with a low, achievable, but sufficient target, a middle one and an ideal one. To feel good about all of them I would put a medal (bronze, silver and gold) in my post for each target I reached. In case of the meditations I would actually have two distinct goals with three targets: 5 minutes of meditation per day for 5, 6 or 7 days and 20 minutes of meditation per day for 1, 2 or 3 days. Perhaps it might sound like a kinda childlike approach, but by using SMART goals (if you don't know what by mean that, google it) and treating it almost like a game this really worked for me. Also, because I used weekly goals, it took me a whole lot less time.

    Not saying that what you did is wrong, but lists like these always seem rather subjective to me. While that might work for some of your points, a lot of these things can also be turned into to clear and measurable goals that you can objectively work on. Besides that I always see guys giving themselves a lot of low scores on lists like these and I can't imagine that is very motivating.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @Living. I'm actually really just monitoring. Trying to become more aware of my behaviour. At a certain point I will turn it into goals, but for now no pressure. I know it is very subjective, but maybe therefore even a better indication for a build up of emotional turmoil that may preceed acting out.
     
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  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good start of the day but exhausted back from work. Chaos at home with kids. Angry and frustrated. Will turn anger into motivation. First sleep.

    Daily Health Monitoring:
    FPMO: 0/10
    Self-pity & blaming: 4/10
    Assertiveness: 6/10
    Time for self: 5/10
    Healthy food: 8/10
    Excercise: 6/10
    Phone use: 5/10
    Intimacy wife: 1/10
    Perceive world as threatening: 5/10
    Interaction with men: 5/10
     
  19. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    I'm trying that too. I think it makes more sense see what the situation is now, and then see if you can improve it. The top down approach probably doesn't normally work. And I think this has lead to me finding out pre-existing problems that I need to fix.

    Do you get emotional turmoil? You have talked about difficulty asserting yourself. Maybe your self-esteem is negative. Have you been abused/neglected?

    I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist. (Edit: I mean for my own emotional turmoil.) I guess if it works out I might remember to tell you how it works.

    At least I know, that since you have a wife, that me getting married won't solve this PMO problem for me.
     
  20. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    Same guy here. I switched names from quitprofoo to nuclpow.

    Thank you for telling me about the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. I started reading it seriously just now and it might be seriously helpful. I guess that doesn't say much, but either the book is mumbo jumbo that's fooling me, or it might be exactly what I needed.
     

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