Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not much to report. Still bit sick and just very tired. Good day at work though. No need to act out. Goodnight.

    It is quiet on the board. Hope that is because people are living a real life away from the screen.
    GreenSwampMan likes this.
  2. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    It's quite depressing, some people will never make it out and remain in the shackles of the addiction for life. What happend to Marston for example? His account seems to be deleted?!

    Get well soon!
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    There are days I have wished for a permanent flatline. :rolleyes:
    Gil79 likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Feeling way better now. At work things are more quiet and had time for lunch in the canteen. Feel bit more human again.

    Bit of argument with my sister. She started crying, although she is very unreasonable. Women are weird and manipulative... it is not their fault, just their nature. We have to stand strong against it.

    @Pete McVries, to me it seems that that holds for most people. The majority writes a few posts and never comes back. To bad about @MarstonS though. He was doing really well. I will keep fighting, even if it means it is a life long stuggle. Which it won't!!! :mad::p
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Took things easy today. Went for lunch in canteen again. There's a nice group of people I joined yesterday and today. Should do this more often. Have the tendency to skip brakes. Partly due to being busy and part due to just being more of a loner. Social interaction makes me feel good.

    Sent application for job today. Would be really cool if that works out. Major jump in career and salary. Also chance to move to nice part of the country. Will see what comes out of it.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Enjoying day off with the kids. I am blessed with my family.
  7. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Member

    A permanent flatline is what I have been in most of my run of rebooting and trust me you dont really mean that....
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    To me enlightenment would be something like being able to handle every day like this.

    The Fight subsides. Doesn't matter if I'm on day 4 or 5689.

    I take the day as is - and relax into it.

    From this place of calm acceptance, of gratitude, I am spontaneous and naturally make better choices (ex : joining the canteen in your case).

    I wonder if this is just romanticizing things or if such possibility exists. I would imagine that if it does, the "enlightened individuals" are the ones who are able to reach this type of inner energy even on "challenging days" (stressors, pressure, things going wrong).

    Anyhow, good luck onward Gil !
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    PMOed on Thursday evening and watched P again yesterday. Feeling exhausted. Partly due to PMO, but acting out was also triggered by feeling tired and 'lived'. Not extremely motivated to stay away from porn, but will look hard for that motivation today. I definitely feel better without P and interact better with people. Later more.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Day 1. Slept 7h. Still waking up, but feel rested. Not much to report otherwise. Don't feel real determination yet for abstaining, bit will continue to work on that throughout the day.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Greetings BL. This is the first time I have visited w you. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
    I agree that flat line is an empty existence. However,I am almost 66 years old and have dealt with this issue in my life since a boy.
    Sometimes,not always, a flatline is a respite from the grinding fever of battling to bring one's libido under control. By control I mean like having a bit in a horses mouth. You control it. It doesn't control you.
    Gil79 and Big Lebowski like this.
  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the path being rocky at the moment. I hope you have picked yourself up again and move on to where you want the path to take you.

    Perhaps you could turn things around. Focusing on where you want to go, not on what you try to get away from. I always find it easier to become motivated in doing something than becoming motivated in not doing something. The first is something I see as positive, the latter as something negative. Building up motivation about something positive is, at least to me, a whole lot easier to do and keep up.
    Gil79 and A New Man like this.
  13. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Such a good point
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not sure what to write here. Been PMO-ing to reduce anger, frustration and stress. I am really lived at the moment. From very early morning until late at night busy with children and work. It is crazy. Such exhaustion and build up of frustration and no real rest or outlet. But I can do things to make it better and not PMO-ing is one of them.

    Thanks @Living and @Boxer17: Really good point to keep focusing on where I want to go. I want to have my energy back, I want to live in the moment even if it is not comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy. I feel blessed with my beautiful family. I just have to ride this wave of craziness. Few weeks or months more and for sure things will be better.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I guess I can understand how all that stress leads to escapism. Since I can see an escape is more than welcome at the moment I think there are two options:
    1) Find a different, more healthy outlet. I think it's good to realize that right you do need an outlet. Think about the time you spend on PMO and other less healthy escapes (your phone perhaps) and find a way to spend that time in a better way. I admit: that's easier said than done. We all know that porn doesn't do us any good, but for immediate stress relief it does serve the purpose. There are tons of substitutes, but they don't give us the same high. Ideally you would need something that doesn't take the biggest effort, but that gives you a healthy buzz in let's say an hour. One thing that works great for me is running, especially since I have my sports watch. To me that's something in which I really can let go of things. Sure, it costs energy, but it also gives me a whole lot of energy. And you can do it pretty much anytime. Spinning might do the same thing, but including getting the gym and such, that easily takes over an hour. There are probably more things. What's most important though is accepting that you do need an outlet.
    2) Or accept that PMO is something you need at the moment. That might be a bit strange advice on this forum, but you are going through rough times and you do need an outlet. I think it's better to say "Okay, right now I need this" and deal with it in a controlled way, then go at it uncontrolled and blame yourself every time you do so.

    And yes, be aware that there is an end to this:)
    Bezoechow and Gil79 like this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Will definitely pick up sports again, but even running is difficult to fit in. hmm, maybe I should run at work during lunch brake..... that may work. yesyerday aftee posting I did some breathing exercises. just 5 minutes, but made me feel better.
    Living likes this.
  17. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Hi Gil. Thanks for the visit in my J...

    I'm generally a bit hesitant to provide advice, as I don't want to come across as the cocky 'newbie'... But the above comment stands out... "a life long struggle"... That's just the crack the AV needs... Life long is waaaayyy to much to wrap our heads around. Today. Today is all we can control... Sometimes it's only the next 10-15 minutes we can control. When the urge (av) to seek out porn or mo is totally consuming us... Then you need some type of plan. And going online is definitely not a good plan:rolleyes:...

    I highly recommend you read the following about PAWS... And for sure check out the Recovery and Relapse Prevention Strategies links in it... I wish you the best...
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks so much @TriGuy60! Advice is always welcome. It is always useful and besides the best way of support. I checked your journal. With your life- and addiction experience, I wouldn't call you a newbie (not sure if thats an insult or compliment :p). I am not a newbie anymore either and familiar with the information in the links. Or better.... : I should be familiar with the info and applying it to daily life. Why am I not? I don't know. Somehow I keep getting entangled in stuff. My life is a bit crazy at the moment. But who's life isn't? What I read in the link is important to me now to keep in mind:

    It is now 9AM. Up since 5. Just left my wife with 2 crying babies downstairs to write this. Son still has to wake up. Still a long day to go. I should not underestimate the power of relaxation. It is this exhaustion and frustration that triggers my current use. I must and can add moments of relaxation into the day. I have already started doing short breathing exercise sessions. Should keep that up. And at night when I can fap for 10 min, I can also go for a 5 min walk and 5 min cold shower.

    One thing for sure: I will cope way better with all this if I dont fap! The first 3 months of baby handlinh went way better, despite even less sleep. I though it is because exhaustion is now accumulating, but I wouldnt be surprised if it is because then I didnt fap in that period, and now I do. It is a downward spiral in which P- or FMO leads to HALT and HALT leads to more PFMO.

    Thanks again for links and will read them ovef regularly.
  19. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    HaHa... Yeah, I'm not quite a newb in the recovery from addiction category, but porn is a whole different ballgame:eek:... And after reading your J, I knew you weren't exactly one either:rolleyes:... I kinda figured you'd probably be familiar with much of what's in the article... Most of us addicts spend a bit of time researching the 'why's' and 'how-to-beats' of our addictions...

    I just like that article (which I'm sure is probably hoping to get some $ from you) because of how it lays out some simple, easy to understand explanations of our addictions, stages of recovery, and the battles we will face in conquering them... But mainly some of the ways the beast will fuck with us once we've stopped for a period... (as the saying goes, "quitting is easy - staying quit is hard")...I've probably read it 'hundreds' of times... It's helped me through many of struggles when I've been low... I post it in my J and in others not necessarily for me, or the recipient of my wisdom, but for the lurkers... Those hiding in the shadows searching for ways to kill their beast... When I was drinking, it was a life and death matter. If one person read it, and it changed the direction of their life, mission accomplished...

    Porn is just soooooo different. Someone wrote in their J about how they like porn... Hey, I like porn too... I liked drinking beer and wine too... But I got to the point where I couldn't have a drink or two like 'normal' people can. I drank to get intoxicated. Daily. (Except for the brief 2-3 days to prove I didn't have a problem... I even quit once for almost a year. But then I didn't know about paws) So, for 40+ years I drank. And it was a bitch to stop... If I could have a drink or two and stop, I'd drink today. But I know if I have even just one, in a short period of time I'd ramp up to where I left off, then increase the amount to make up for lost time....

    If I could occasionally pmo and still have a good sex-life - fuckin'-a I would... But pied has entered my life and I wish to kill it... Where as I knew drink could eventually kill me, pmo is a little more insidious... But it too must die. Goodbye dear friend...

    Hey, thanks for letting me rant in your J:cool:
    Boxer17 and Gil79 like this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday I was well able to take some moments of rest. Just 5-10 min to zone out. I helped tremendously. Also told my wife to take a nap. We both tend to just keep going which makes every day a race, resulting in just accumulating exhaustion. Tomorrow we will get help again for a couple of days. Looking forward to that. Did not act out yesterday. Will not act out today. No fantasies, no ogling, no porn, no masturbation. For the first time since weeks I am getting back into the right mindset. At least the mindset I have been in this spring. I know what I am doing this for: being physically and mentally healthy, interact well with people, having control over my life, being in charge, being a role model for my children, having an intimate relationship with my wife. It is also essential to me/ us to get our intimacy back. It has been months. Actually during the pregnancy we still had good sex. It is just that since the babies there is no time or energy for it. Despite not having sex lately, our relationship is really good. We're a good team and we are intimate in hugging and kissing, etc. We will just have to make an effort to go back to banging on a regular basis. My last streak was one without any sexual stimulation, even normal sex. It is time to integrate that into my life for that reason as well. I am not a monk and don't want to be. Real recovery includes having a healthy sex life. OK, so my goals are set.

    @TriGuy60: you're welcome to rant as much as you can in my journal, with the risk that I'll do the same in yours :D. I may be PAWS why I relapsed. I don't know for sure. I was definitely in a bad state of mind, but also in a situation (home alone, missing kids, accumulated tiredness) that triggered a relapse. Maybe the reason I don't recognize it directly as PAWS is that I don't know how it is to live without withdrawal symptoms. I have been acting out largest part of my life and since than on abstain/ relapse cycles since I started to change my behaviour. I do know that in those (almost) 3 months I felt as sane as I have never felt before. Being aware of PAWS will definitely help me in my recovery.

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