Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gilgamesh, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    This is so true- the present is often a blessed refuge (not always, but mostly the present moment is a comfortable place in the first world). The times when i've really struggled recently it's either my kids who bring me back, or work. Work is great the way it demands focus. If you're in holiday mode it could be that you have more bandwidth for worrying. I think that happens to me.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I think that the holiday does indeed gives me room to worry. I like how you put it that you can see the present as a refuge. Dopamine is called the anticipation drug. It is always about something you hope to find in the future but will not be there (or over before you know it). I have influence on my future, but can't change it right now. I do have the power to change the now though.
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Picked up NMMNG again. going to continue with the breaking free activities. Breaking free activity 44: how do you sabotage yourself? I sabotage myself: 1) by not asking for enough help to take the pressure away from kids stuff and have more time for myself, and 2) by choosing safe job-wise.

    1. Even before the babies were born I don't take enough time for myself. I have a veggie garden, but always feel pressured to get back home and continue the never-ending chores. I would also like to work out again or do other sports or even just go for long walks. Now with the babies being born, there's no time at all. But I need it. I am baby tired. I am so fed up with it. I don't feel guilty of saying that. It is normal. It is normal in a human being to take time away from kids, but especially for men. It is more normal for women to take care of others. That is not sexist. It is just how it is. That's why you almost only find female nurses. I need time for myself: sports, language course, gardening, even a weekend away with a friend. We should get a baby-sitter (fuck, that triggers sexual thoughts, making me think of a hot baby-sitter). Ok should get a monstruous ugly, but sweet and good baby-sitter to help out so I can have more time for myself. The problem is also that we're living in a bit underpopulated area, so hard to arrange those kinds of things. Same for having family to help out. But I have to stop making excuses. This is really self-sabotage. I only live once. I want to spend lots of time with my kids, and I believe I am a good father. I just think that I can be an even better father if I can have time for myself. For self-improvement, for relaxation. Got to ask for to move to a better area.

    2. I like my job, but I am working here for so long already and kind of fed-up with people there. Also, if I stay, my income will only increase gradually and I just want to (maybe really shallow) make more money. I want to double my income. For too long I have been doing what I think I should. Just following the path that I felt was most appropriate (based on validation of others, or maybe even just safety). I need a new challenge, more income, Live in a place that is more connected to the world and more options for sports, culture and 'ugly but good' baby-sitters. I should stop making excuses like: we got a steady income now, how can we both get a new job at the same time, we have everything we need. I need change. Want to move, want to get a better job.
  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    We always have wants. Its,what we do with what we have that determines who we are and how I think we look at ourselves.
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Dealing well with urges. still dealing with a lot of anger and frustration though. Noticed a couple of times is bed how I (with anger inside my body) have the tendency to just turn to my back and put my hand in my pants. It is really hard-wired. Already for so many years.....30 years or so I guess since I really started using M to escape. Keep resisting, keep building new neural pathways.

    I can see the anger as a healthy kind of agression. As willpower. I will use it to my advantage to get what I want in life. Breaking free activity 45 is visualization exercise. Doing that today.
  6. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    I second that @Gilgamesh I'm also too angry inside. Need to manage that as well bro'
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  7. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Good job channeling that restless energy of the holiday into Reboot Approved activities. Make it through this patch and things will begin to settle down again.
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Lots of anger, lots of self-pity. Urges here and there. Broke my 2second ogling rule by checking a woman's boobs for 3 seconds. Honestly a thrilling experience. As if I am a teenager again :D. Got to be aware that urges may come back this week, especially friday night before flying back home.

    Stick to my rules:

    Then next week I have to be careful. Triggers are: home alone, work stress and anxiety, family visit. I am already visually imaging my return home saturday: land with plane, go to car and drive home directly, have a super nice lunch with a movie, work in garden, have nice dinner with a movie, go to bed early, read NMMNG, wake up late, do breathing excercises, go for a nice and long walk or bike ride, plan the next days.

    Also no alcohol...... have been completely dry the last months btw. Not missing it a bit. People (father in law) making fun of me. Well, fuck you! As dr. Alban says: it's my life :D. Actually I even noticed that my brother in law took my example and didn't drink either the last 2 days.

    Some cool NMMNG rules from breaking free activity 46:

    -if it frightens you, do it

    -don't settle. If you settle, you get excactly what you settled for

    -put yourself first

    -ask for what you want

    -make you own rules

    -stop blaming, victims never succeed

    -don't do anything in secret

    There are many more. These appeal most to me......
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    That doesn't sound bad at all! Being home alone can be a trigger, but it also an option to do a lot of things you like. Especially in your case with all the stress and lack of sleep.
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  10. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Sleeeeeeeeep, Sleeeeep and Sleeeeep for 3 days in a row!!!! :p:D:p
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  11. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Had an erotic dream last night. It didn't turn into a wet one, because I was afraid of PE and stopped what I was doing ..... in my dream :eek:. Had this before. It is interesting. To me it shows that the PE is really the result of a mental block. Probably feelings of shame.

    The dream didn't affect my day. No fantasies or ogling..... despite a lot of naked skin around :eek:
  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Just suggested to my wife to move to a specific town. Just thinking of living there makes me happy. I am tired of living in such isolated place. Also such good job opportunities there and way nicer for the kids to grow up. My wife is going to have a promotion though and for her it makes sense to keep working where she works. Moving would mean a lot of extra travelling time for her. But she is very open to the idea and said that the travelling time isn't such big deal. Feeling good about this.

    Had good sleep. Notice that 6 hours sleep is really the turning point. Less than that and I feel like a wreck, and more than that (even broken) makes me feel rested.
    A New Man likes this.
  13. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I have identification with much of what you have written over the past week. I look forward to seeing how it goes, I will engage if I have something worth saying. I will say that in my case I have made different decisions.

    Soar Well
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Thanks @GreyHeron. Looking forward to hear more about that. I will keep updating. Any advice is welcome.
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Urges are really coming back. Difficulties to not ogle or fantasize. A thought came up to go to the red light district this Saturday. Another thought just now to watch porn.

    Trying to see those potential actions from a distance. As if I see myself walking past windows of hookers and talking to them. As if I see myself sitting with my phone in my hand, shallow breath, hypnotized. It takes the power and attraction away. Note to self: no ogling, no fantasy, no touching, no arousal.
  16. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Short night and couldn't fall asleep again after feeding at 4AM. Angry thoughts towards my father. It is if by taking away the veil of blindness and numbness that was caused by PMO, I can see what an unacceptable situation I have tolerated with this man. As a child you just grow in to it. You accept things because you think they are normal. My feedback to him was therefore that his behaviour was acceptable and he grew in to believing there was nothing wrong. Or at least that it was acceptable.

    It is shitty to feel so angry, but it just has to come out I guess. Everything better than FPM and/or O.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Urges........ but as expected today...... i got a plan and will stick to it.....
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    You got this. There will always be urges, especially in situations like these. Fuck them:)

    Just curious: what do you do with all that anger? Are you able to channel that in any way?
  19. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    You're doing great Gil. You're addressing all this stuff instead of disappearing into your own head/fantasies. I'll be taking a leaf out of your book next month when we drive across country again.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Restless broken night. Also erotic dreams. Urges to fantasize in between. In one dream I was with my mother in a pub. A super hot girl asked me to dance and I said no because I sas with my mother. It was like NMMNG the movie :D. Didn't give in to fantasies, but felt quite shitty still this morning. Also just because of the lack of sleep. Now at airport. A lot of ogling material. Not giving in. Honestly a bit annoyed about how women can dress. Why would you wear a shine-through dress with a super visible small thong underneath when you're travelling?

    Going to have my flight, drive home and have a nice afternoon and evening, only healthy activities and to bed early. Tomorrow sleep in, but get up early so I don't have time to consider F or M.

    Thanks @Living. Honestly 50% of my anger energy goes into angry thoughts anf self pity. 25% to being mindful about it and 25% to distractions. The only thing I can do is accept it. It feels good in a way as if the anger is just leaving my body. Normally most of it would go into distractions: snacks, TV, fantasy, etc. Not there's just no time for it and I am forced to mature emotionally ;). What helps with the angry thoughts and self-pity is that I can see that that is at the same developmental stage as my son is :D. We're watching cartoons (like kikker en vriendjes) which are a lot about accepting your emotions (boredom, sadness etc.). I can learn a lot from that. LOL.

    Thanks @A New Man. What is funny is that I realized yesterday that my current situation is very similar (almost exactly) as last year in June/July: number of days on counter, same lectures I have to give at work, home alone. I am reading back to my own advice and it really helps. Gives me the feeling I am going back in time to undo the mistakes I made last year when I relapsed. I remember you had this same cross-country trip last year with difficulties. This also give you the chance to do things differently this time. Isn't life genious?!:cool:

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