Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Stolpersteine/tripping stones. They are everywhere in my city. I just came to know that they are scattered around Europe, I initially thought they only were in Germany. They never affected me that much emotionally because they are such an integral part of the cityscape. But sometimes I'm bewildered when there are five or more of these tripping stones in front of a house and you realize that a whole family had been deported during WWII. There is a reason why patriotic Germans are almost nonexistent...
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this. I think it's very well said.
    MissingSelfCompassion and Gil79 like this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Been sleeping really bad last couple of nights. Son and babies sick. We feel like zombies. Don't know how we're getting through the days. Need sleep badly. Feeling frustrated.

    Woke up with wood all the time last night. Was really tempting to do something about it. No touching. It's a downward spiral.

    Thanks @Pete McVries and @Thelongwayhome27 !
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  4. Mopal

    Mopal New Member

    Wow @Gilgamesh - 57 days! Well done and keep it up!!! Sleep deprivation is a bitch, but this too shall pass, right?
    Congratulations on your wood - perhaps your wife (when you all are well) can help you with that? ;-)
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Last couple of weeks I feel a ball of emotions inside my chest. It is expanding to my belly and throat and arms and it is a mixture of anger, frustration, anxiety, excitement, willpower and life lust. I feel ready to fight in many aspects of my life. I think it is time to start disentangling this ball of emotions. Has this ball of emotions been the reason for all these years of fantasy and (P)MO? For sure. It relieves the anger and anxiety for a while, but it also takes away your willpower and life lust, etc. The last weeks it has been growing. I can handle it, but got to straigthen it out. Get the balance back.

    Thanks @Mopal!
    That is an exciting thought:D
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
    A New Man likes this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    What I have been feeling the last couple of weeks is just awesome. All with such intensity. I have the feeling I am really healing at so many levels and learn (again) what life really is like. I feel like a Ferrari that never got to the racing track. Always just been driving at walking pace, but now really accelerating and realizing that there's still so much potential, so many HP's. It is not all positive. I also often feel angry anf frustrated, but I am able to accept it. I feel I got my personal power back. Now it is important to keep that!

    All of this is not only about porn. Going hard mode now makes me realize how especially sexual fantasies and masturbation were the activities that kept me down. They drained my energy and kept me away from reality. I can see how porn has been only a more extreme form of that and actually (after a long time) was the reason to turn that around. In some weird way porn may have thus been a blessing.

    Got to find a way to stabilize. To balance out. See what happens when I have sex again. I really want to keep that going and even connect on a deeper level with my wife. Transformation of sexual energy is really something I want to develop. But well, let's take things day by day......
    Bobo, Pete McVries and forlorn like this.
  7. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Yeah, balance. I cannot speak for you or others, but personally I'm not interested in a lot of the talk about saving up my orgasms, and the like. I don't doubt what I did in the past robbed me of energy, but finding balance is what would help me. I am all about going militant on things. When I learned I had diabetes, I cut out added sugars completely for 2-3 months. Then, I burned out. Balance is a much better solution, for me and how I do things. We're all individuals.

    I'm glad you're feeling good and am not trying to shit on that. We're all supporting each other here. I just wish I was able to remind myself to seek the balance, and take things in stride. I feel like I have been where you are and it was amazing. When I couldn't make it last, I crashed hard. And, I certainly don't want that for you, my friend. We're different, I know. It's easier to worry about you than work on myself too. Anyway, I'm crawling my way back up again. It's hard to see that things could be better from where I'm at. However, I've started taking steps to alleviate that. I've had 2 doctors appointments and hopefully this time next week I'll be starting something to stabilize my mood.
    Bezoechow and Gil79 like this.
  8. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Preach brother! Even when I had a year clean, I believe I was still fantasizing on a regular basis and the dopamine kept my brain from fully recovering and eventually lead me to relapsing. Keep up the good work sir! Seems like you're doing a good job of just taking it one day at a time.
    MissingSelfCompassion and Gil79 like this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    The babies allowed me to sleep for six hours. Feeling great, especially after a large coffee. I can't wait to see what will happen when I sleep 8 hours in a row. I may be able to fly :cool:. Have to work on my caffeine addiction at some point though :D.

    Thanks @MissingSelfCompassion. Balance is indeed what I have to find. I am a bit hyper lately. I enjoy it, but it is also dangerous. My life is quite predictable at the moment with only little time to even be able to act out (well that never stopped me though), but I should also be alright when things change. Next week we have a week holiday and after that I am home alone for a week with quite a lot on my plate for work. Balance and good planning should get me through that period.

    Thanks @SeekingWisdom. It makes so much sense to go hard mode. Using fantasy, ogling, touching, etc. means you really don't want to give up on porn. It is the kind of 'it is inmocent and no one will find out mentality' but it is all masturbation to avoid life. It is all choosing instant gratification with feeling miserable over long term satisfaction. It is crawling into your shell, hiding away from people and life instead of living to your full potential and interacting with people in a satisfying way.
  10. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    That week will be a crucial period for you but it sounds like you have the right mindset in terms of planning ahead. Do you have any specific strategies in place for coping with triggers? I've heard a doing distraction is more powerful than a thinking distraction, so for instance doing some pushups, some mindful breathing, going for a walk etc are more effective than merely relying on mental willpower.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Nice to see two months. I know it's just a number, but keep going and don't fall for the obvious hazards. It seems you got it under control, but the week alone will take some extraordinary precautions.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Had quite some urges for sexual thoughts and fantasies last night. I gave in to a train of thoughts on how I would make a tinder account and get a date in my week home alone. Lasted about 10 seconds or so. No sexual arousal, but really the initial step towards sexual fantasies and whatever may come from that. I have to keep dissecting these initial stages and the reason why I want to enter that road.

    I think I felt stressed about some work things and more general future prospects. That is OK and part of life. No reason to panic! Nothing I can't handle.

    Thanks @forlorn. It will be challenging. Home alone and have to prepare 2 lectures for the week after. That makes me very nervous. On the other hand, the past has shown me that I don't (P)MO in such preparation time because I am afraid that it will make me perform badly. Then the time after the lectures is dangerous. It is a good idea to think of activities that help me to distract myself when needed. The garden is a big mess, so maybe I should make that a nice side project. Being outside and active.

    Thanks @Eternity!
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Holidays. Flying tomorrow with wife and the kids to wife's family. Bit nervous for the trip. Feel urges and anger increasing. Got to learn to deal with these things. Best for everyone includibg me is that I am calm, concentrated and patient. Hope to sleep well, getting up early. Goodnight nofappers.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I fapped last night. Not completely sure how it happened. I think I had fallen asleep and woke up right after that. Not sure if I even already had me hand in my pants. Used even fantasy and had thoughts of indulging myself completely in sex whenever I have the chance. Waz able to stop after 20 seconds or so and didn't O. Now I am in a really shitty state of mind. Feel like continuing what I started. Got to turn this around. Might have to do with travel nervousness. About to leave.......
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Cold showers and I mean cold for 5 minutes when that happens. We are so second nature with that stuff it happens and we almost don't as you know how it happened. No M that's a good thing. You will be ok you are aware shitty mind state is really when you are not aware! Carry on Mr.G!
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    We arrived! What a trip with 2 babies and a toddler. But everything went so well. I was so calm and in control, also of my emotions. We made other people wait to get off the ferry. People were really pissed. I thought, well, really can't do anything about it. Owning it. Rest of tve trip people were so kind and helpful. We left the plane latest, and I could take my son to have a look in the cockpit and talk to pilot, who showed all the lights and buttons and gave a high five. I could cry, so beautiful (forgive me, sleep deprivation does that to a human being, nofap maybe too :confused:). Now with family of wife. The kids (and us) were so welcomed. Almost made me cry again. Now just ate and a nap (enough babysitters around) and the need to act out or other discomfort is gone. Lesson learned: need to act out is (travel) stress related and urges come and go!

    Thanks @Bobo. Also for cold shower advice. Should do that next time..... or anyway.
  17. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    Good to hear. Bear in mind, urges are biologically hardwired so they're not going away any time soon. We have to learn how to better respond to them and make healthy choices.

    Have a great holiday.
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks man. Also for the warning. Fell asleep after posting and woke up with very strong urges. This shit is complicated......
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Urges to fantasize..... brain craving for dopamine and telling me that sexual thoughts and fantasies are not so bad. Yeah, actually you shouldn't do it, but come on.... just a little bit cant harm...... all the time same inner dialogue. No is no. Period.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just woke up. Still urges. Definitely anxiety and work-stress related. Should focus on the here and now. Now going to get a coffee. Heavily addicted to coffee now.....

Share This Page