Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Didn't sleep well last night, but on average it is going way better. Now high on coffee. Coffee is the new porn :D. Will deal with that later..... again.... sigh.

    Bit of anxiety for some talks I have to give next month. Don't know why all of a sudden I am getting anxious already. Will try to turn the anxiety into excitement and do a good job. Maxwell Maltz (psychocybernetics) describes how close excitement and anxiety are to eachother. Interesting.

    Kind of flatlining. One part of me wants to try out the arousal/ reward mechanism. Better don't start pushing those buttons. Deltafosb should be really decreasing by this time and rewiring can start..... at least that is how I kind of understand it. Should check the YBOP video again.

    Nothing else to report. Quiet in the 40's section. Hope everyone is fine!
    A New Man and Professor Chaos like this.
  2. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I have observed this myself, when during my former relationship I had an huge anxiety all the time and also was using a lot of P and constant sexual self-soothing. When the anxiety went away (after I broke up with my ex) the need for P diminished significantly too. I understood how I subconsciously tried to "feel better" by turning the anxiety to sexual arousal (excitement). Of course, that was a very lousy strategy, which only made my anxiety worse after the use.
    MissingSelfCompassion and Gil79 like this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Was energized and happy. Good interaction with people. Also urges though. Urges to fantasize about my week alone here in June. About being able to see prostitutes. I decided to think of other things I could do, like going to the cinema. Then the urge came to fantasize about a girl I would meet in the cinema or even how I could try to get a date for that. All of this happened in just seconds. Fortunately I was very busy at work, so could distract myself again. Crazy stuff. And it is not about that week in June. I will be alright then. It was about the dopamine I craved for this morning..... dopamine, the anticipation drug..... goodnight guys. Hands above the blankets:D
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Crazy dreams last night. Trying to run away from attackers, but was like my feet were stuck to the ground and when I was able to move, I could only go in circles. It feels like it meand that I can not run away from my problems and responsibilities. I have to face them.
    NCBob likes this.
  5. Mopal

    Mopal New Member

    Sounds like a correct interpretation: you can't run away from your problems (unless your problems are lions, but I guess in that case running won't help much anyway). So yeah, you've got to face your problems and responsibilities head on. Sounds like you are doing that!
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I always get anxious far in advance. This only makes it so much harder, really. Why even worry about something that's A) weeks or months away, and B) in many ways unavoidable. If I knew the answer to that I'd probably be a completely different person.
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Woke up miserable. Thought I had MOed. Then I realized I had not used fantasy with it. Then I though, wait a minute, I didn't MO at all! It was just a dream :)

    Thanks @Mopal and @Eternity. Indeed I have to face them. I felt really anxious yesterday and today again. Old stuff surfacing, reboot-related, lack of escape possibilities (fantasy and porn), I don't know where it comes from. Probably all 3 causes. Will just accept it for what it is. I time it shall pass, or something like that ;)
  8. Fish Hawk

    Fish Hawk Well-Known Member

    The " addict" in you trying to drag you back! He wont stop. Good job not giving in. Each time he does not get his way he loses some power over you but do not ever get sure of yourself, hes crafty!:cool:
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks for the warning. I will take careful steps.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not such good day. Getting better in being OK with feeling uncomfortable though. Today a difference of opinion with people twice. OK, not a problem. It gives tension, but tension is OK.

    Similar with my dad. Since I decided to take distance, I feel bad for him. It feels unnatural. I feel tension. But it also gives me a lot of confidence. I feel like I got my personal power back. I now realize that all those years I accepted a shallow hurtful relationship because I felt that I had to and maybe in the hope that my pain could be fixed in that way. I am in charge of my life. I am responsible for myself and I choose what is best for me. Even if that gives tension.

    Going to pick up NMMNG again, cause I remember a section about that nice guys tend to fix things, eventhough they loose their power with that.....

    Goodnight guys. Lets stay away from porn and masturbation. It sucks the life out of us till we cease to exist. Lets agressively claim back our place in this world!
  11. Fish Hawk

    Fish Hawk Well-Known Member

    Gil79 likes this.
  12. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I recently picked up Pema again. It's helping.

    A doctor once told me that dreams may be part of our rewiring. So the MO dream and the chase dream may just be that. Not messages from your subconscious, but rewiring. As the pathways for PMO shrink, you get an aftershock in your dreams. Perhaps the fear of being chased is not a reminder to stay vigilant, but illustrating how you feel-- chased by this old habit of yours. You got this, keep chasing it away.
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This strikes me as a good thing because you're standing up for your own opinion, and not doing the nice guy thing and just agree.
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Interaction with other human beings is difficult and complicated. Noticed that again during and after a meeting today. Took me quite some effort to not feel bad about it. Confused may be a better term than bad. I guess that most people feel the same way about it. Interaction with others can also be interesting and satisfying though. Just some thoughts. Look forward to have tine for running or working out again.

    Interesting. I can still recall the feeling. I will just accept it for what it is. It is a nice idea that something is actually physically changing now

    I notice that with abstaining I tend to keep my back straight naturally. Then the second part is to start to get comfortable with that feeling......
    Fish Hawk and A New Man like this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    Gotta love those dreams!

    You're doing some great work, Gilgamesh:)

    Thanks for checking in on my journal - much appreciated!
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Super pissed off at a colleague. I should not have checked my email this evening. The stupidity is that it is just about something trivial. My colleague or the issue we have do not play any significant role in my life. Still, the last hour I was absent in my mind because of it, having angry conversations in my head. In the meantime I didn't see my 3yo son going up the stairs om his own. That's really bad.

    OK, slap in the face. Concentrate on things that matter! Got to keep working on my anger issues.....
  17. Mopal

    Mopal New Member

    Don't be too hard on yourself! But yes, focus on the stuff that matters and forget the rest. Do you meditate? If not I suggest you start - it will help clear your mind, be present and calm.
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Was very much aroused by my office mate today. She looked hot with a naked shoulder and explained she had just had a massage. A picture came to mind of me taking her there on the desk. I let the mental image pass and focused on the energizing rush it gave through my whole body. Great feeling. So much better than just the visual image. Later I was walking througv the hallway, thinking that it would be so thrilling to watch porn now or go to see a hooker. Immediately a picture came to my mind of me sitting with my laptop on my lap and my hand in my pants. Not really the way I like to see myself. The rest of the day I was OK. Think I am slowly getting out of flatline. Entering dangerous and unknown territory. Will take careful steps and avoid impulse behaviour. This is where recovery can really take place. Create new pathways.

    Thanks @NCBob and @Mopal! It would be very lame to say I dont have time for meditation. I should make time for it, even if it is just 5 min. Will give it a go now before sleeping.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Wife and I were looking for a house today. Renting now, but want to buy. We both got a bit sad. Realizing that we are playing things save and not doing what we really want, what we were dreaming about. Kind of deciding to postpone and see if we manage to do some job changes and moving to a nicer place to live, maybe even to the birth country of my wife. Do we dare follow our dreams? I am ready to find myself back.

    Oh yeah, something else.... porn sucks. Really don't want to go back. Fantasy and masturbation neither. It is an insult to ourselves. As in the story: all this time we thought we were chickens, unable to fly. But we are eagles. We are capable of so much.....
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yesterday when we were looking for houses we saw a house that was build in the 30s. There were tiles on the street outside that showed the names of a Jewish family that had lived there. Parents and 3 childs. They were taken out of the house in WWII and killed in Auswitsch and Sobibor. I could not let this go last night. Like us they were a young family building a life. They had bought a house. They had dreams. And one day all of that ended in such terrible way. I got tears in my eyes right now. It brings things in perspective and that is what I need right now.
    Bezoechow, Fish Hawk, Mopal and 2 others like this.

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