Break on through to the other side

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gil79, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yes, you have apparently put your foot foward and are seeing things more clearly. Rock on bro!
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm glad that I never tried alcohol, smoking, or drugs as a teenager. Considering how addicted I got to PMO, it could have ended really badly. Maybe drinking could help with my anxiety, but it's a risk I'm not willing to take.
    Bezoechow and Gil79 like this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Exhausted, angry, frustrated. Also a thought came to mind how comforting it would be to watch porn. Addict brain has a tantrum because he doesn't get what he want. Well, he has to learn that life can be like that. A lot of time we're in discomfort and we'll just have to sit it out. Hopefully I can sleep a bit now. Really need it. No fantasy, no touching. Good night!

    Thanks @Bobo!

    @Eternity, indeed not worth it. It works just temporarily and never the way you'd wish....
    A New Man and Saville like this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Again finishing the day angry and frustrated. Also a lot of self-pity.

    Nonrtheless had some beautiful moments today with wife and kids. Going to think about the things I am grateful for before I fall asleep ... which won't take long..
    Thelongwayhome27 and Living like this.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I honestly think it's impressive how you manage to get through these days. The lack of sleep and all that anger and frustration, but still you manage to pull through. This is creating new pathways;)
    Gil79, Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So, we planned that we will go to the family of my wife in June. I will stay a week cause have to get back to work and my wife and kids will stay a week longer.

    I notice how my mind tries to start exploring 'possibilities', if you know what I mean. They are no real sexual famtasies yet, but more an imagination of what I can do: visit the red light district, smoke pot, drink alcohol and watch porn. I was able withstand those urges quite well todau, but in the (recent) past I would really plan these things. It is the suspense towards it. It would always lead to (P)MO.....

    When the urge today came to plan a trip to the red light district after I will get back here by plane, I imagined myself taking the train home instead. I have to keep doing that and really stay away from those thoughts and fantasies. It is a fight I can't win, so I better not start it.

    The week at home alone I can really enjoy it in a healthy way: lots of sleeping, getting a lot done for work, gardening, going for walks, watching movies, etc. Some quality me-time.

    @Living, thanks man. I appraciate it. It is tough, and I feel that I am really growing on so many levels. It gives me a lot of confidence that I can do this. It makes me stronger and also makes the relationship with my wife stronger. Last night I slept quite well and today I could handle stuff so much better. There is hope :)
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This, really, is what makes this so difficult. We conjure up scenarios and if it goes too far, essentially plan out the relapse. Fridays are definitely been my great escape plan; the entire working week leading up to that moment. I really need something to do on Friday nights...
    Gil79 likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Not much to report. Just a friendly reminder to myself that I am addicted to artificial sexual stimulation: sexual thoughts, ogling, fantasies, touching, edging, masturbation and, the worst one, porn. I want to live a healthy life, share my inner-self with my kids, wife, family, friends and others, and feel. I want to interact on that level of fine energy, where I am calm and I can be myself, where I can express myself and feel light and with humor. I want to be transparant and just 'there'. Acting out with artificial sexual stimulation in any way breaks down all of that.

    @Eternity: the imaginitive power of the brain is very strong. It guides us more than any reasoning. We got to keep picturing ourselves the way we want to be, even if it feels unnatural. We can change the way we perceive ourselves and the habits that seem to be inherent to that. To me the evidence is in the 8 or 9 Fridays in a row recently you stayed clean....
    titan_transcendence, Saville and Bobo like this.
  9. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    The fact that you recognize this is a enormous step in the right direction. The ability to see and then take steps to correct it equally as impressive! I think you are on the path of recovery! Good job Mr. G!
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    F@#$! So angry again. Was very zen whole day, but then something just snapped. It is so frustrating to not be able to have any time to rest. I have been this kind of angry before, but I have never been able to not run away from it. Now in bed and quite sure I will wake again soon because the babies didn't feed well. Aaaarrgg!!!

    At the same time I feel bad about being like this. I feel like a big baby myself. It is a luxuoury problem. Most people in tbe world have to fight really hard to just stay alive. My life is not a struggle. I just have to see this as a chance to deal with emotions.

    But still: Aarg :mad::mad::mad:
  11. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Its ok to be angry. The self emotion is one we learn as we go thru life. You dont take it out on others. There is a zen lesson in the anger!:)
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep it together, bro'. You're dealing very well for someone who's a new father and 43 days clean!
    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Yes and no. Your struggles might seem minor to some, but major to others. Your struggles are yours and it's not always that easy to compare those with problems other people are having. We all suffer in our own ways and you have every right to suffer in your way.
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thanks @Bobo @Saville and @Living. Today already way better. You're right that it is ok to be angry and accept it as a real personal struggle. I am definitely on a steep learning curve here in dealing with shit and accepting myself.

    In general very content with everything. It is just bloody exhausting.

    Today tendency to think about porn and cheating. Didn't let thoughts come through, but kept urges kept coming. Got to stay strong. Will apply @Merton's no ogling rules here as well: no more than 2 seconds of ogling (sexual escape thoughts) and not a second look (sexual thought).
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you are feeling better! I hope the rules work out well also.
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Those 3 rules have been helping me too the last few days (thanks @Merton !)

    Stay strong brother ! :cool: The effort of honing our skills of coping with life's challenges is more rewarding, in the end, then a trip down the pit with it's very short lived and rather disappointing pleasure and all the shame, guilt, regret it then bills us with, not to mention the personal strength and resilience it robs from us. Better keep building the solid "house" you're building now ! I'm trying to get back to building my own at the moment too :confused:o_O:mad:
    forlorn and Gil79 like this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    All quiet at the addiction front. Had a good day. Son and babies were a delight. Even had time to work in the garden a bit and watch some TV. Some great moments: the look in the eyes of my son when I picked him up from daycare, my baby girl in a dress, me in bed right now with a smile on my sleepy face.

    Haven't had a sexual fantasy in 45 days. Crazy. My first sexual fantasy was from age 6 or 7. I fantasized being in a corn field, naked with a girl from school. Although I don't see fantasy as something bad per se, I have use it since then a lot to escape reality. Things starting to change......

    Thanks for reminding me @Thelongwayhome27 !
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Feeling good today. Energetic, good interaction, focused, getting things done.

    The not fantasizing and not ogling is really giving me a lot of energy. It is almost a blessing that I don't 'have to' do that anymore. I can use the time for other things, mainly self-awareness/mindfulness. Taking a deep energetic breath instead and relax. I feel more integer and maturr by not ogling, i.e. pretending not to watch, but doing it and fantasizing about it.
    Merton likes this.
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's great that you have the fantasies under control. Just like MO, it must be difficult after having done it for such a long time. Keep it up!
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Actually it is not difficult at all at the moment. I guess this is flatline, although some urges here and there.

    Dreamt last night I relapsed to porn. Somehow I found a way to justify to myself. Happy it was just a dream. Maybe a warning that I should be strict.

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