Hey guys, last month I turned 40 and decided to start a new journal here in the 40s section. I have been around on YBR since 2012 and since then my porn and masturbation habits significantly decreased and the quality of my life drastically improved. The last couple of years I am really doing well and especially 2018 was a year of little acting out, good confidence and general well-being. I am healthy, married to a great wife, have a son of 3, some good relatives, some good friends, live in a beautiful place and have a job I really enjoy. Since my last post in the 30s section a couple of weeks ago though (and where I wrote how my life changed and that I would never go back to frequent [P]MO), things went downhill a bit. I got really stressed and started watching porn and masturbating more regularly. The last 2 weeks almost every day. I didn't get some negative consequences that I expected, such as increased anxiety or brainfog, but started suffering from other things that I didn't experience since I quit acting out: pale face, dandruff, red-rimmed eyes, obsessive angry thoughts with (female) co-workers and haemorrhoids. Last night I didn't act out. I felt the need to, but I reached a point that I realize that I can't go back to that state of being. There are 2 major stressors in my life at the moment, being my relationship with my father and my wife is pregnant and we're expecting twins really soon now. My father was an alcoholic and absent for a large part of my life. When I was in my 20s, he quit drinking and slowly we started seeing eachother again. The past was left unspoken, but that was OK. Recently he got a stroke though and my sister and me we were there all the time helping him out. It was a very intense period with very intense interaction with my father. I saw things of him, character-wise, which I didn't know. I also saw a stubbornness and selfishness in him, which I knew was there, but which I have ignored all these years to make a relationship with him possible. Since this happened in December/ January (he recovered well), I have not been able to talk to him anymore. I feel so much anger. I have sleepless nights because of it. I am not sure how to deal with this. I realize that it would have given me a lot of peace of mind if he would have passed away. I don't know how to proceed with this. Will definitely write more on this here. And then the twins. When I heard we were going to have twins, I was so happy. It feels like such a great gift and I feel very proud. Now things are getting closer though. It is a matter of weeks before they will be born and I also feel a bit anxious. Anxious for the delivery. Will everything go well. Anxious for what's to come then. Will the babies do fine. Will we be able to handle it. On the one hand I trust in the process and that I will be able to handle it. On the other hand I remember the sleep deprivation we had with the first one..... and now there are going to be 2, with a 3-year old around! I am not a very patient person. I get angry easily. How will I manage? I feel like I am going into a cave and I don't know how long it is and what will be on the other side. I will manage. I am sure. It is just this moment of waiting and wondering. Thanks for reading. I am doing well. I just need to get the health train going again and this place is the place to start...… continue……. a big thanks to the people who keep this site going btw!