Boyfriend may be overusing porn... Advice?

Discussion in 'Women' started by LifeAdventurer, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. LifeAdventurer

    LifeAdventurer New Member

    I think after "Your Brain on Porn", it helped reaffirm my suspiscions of my boyfriend overusing porn. We are in a long distance relationship and only see each other every couple weeks but I know he masturbates every day we aren't together. He has asked me before to consider a threesome with one of my friends and recently asked for me to watch porn with him but I have declined both of his approaches. I associated this with him not having enough stimuli and wanting more novelty in our sex life? Of course it just made me feel like I am for some reason not good enough at pleasing him. I like trying new things in the bedroom but I disagree with having anything other than a monogamous relationship and I have always been uncomfortable with porn because I feel like it is dehumanizing and desensitives people from reality (no offense/judgement on those who partake or struggle with porn). I have always been aware and (hate to say it but sometimes frustrated) with my boyfriend's frequent inability to get hard enough. Or often he doesn't get hard enough to please me as well until right before he ejaculates. I did not realize until watching "Your Brain on Porn" that porn can lead to erectile problems. Of course this is something that I need to talk to my boyfriend about and do not want to jump to conclusions as to if he has an addiction or not but I would like some feedback from anyone who has had struggles with porn and could give me any advice on how this should be handled.
     
  2. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    Tricky one.
    Have him watch the TED great porn experiment video on youtube. If he feels that he has a problem a light bulb might go off in his head. If he doesn't see it as a problem its hard for you to convince him otherwise.

    Its like telling a casual alcoholic or weed smoker that "don't you think you might have a problem?" Its quite unlikely that they will respond with positive and agree. Defensive walls might come up very quickly so you have to be very careful and avoid blame. Of course its valid to tell if you are not exactly happy with your sex life and you would like your partner to consider if regular porn use might be a factor. But don't try to force feed the idea.
     
  3. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    that lucky guy :-\
     
  4. LifeAdventurer

    LifeAdventurer New Member

    Thanks, Meatloaf. Good insight. I will bring it up to him this weekend when we are together. I really hate hard confrontations. I definitely do not want to make him get defensive about any of this. I asked him today if he would not masturbate the rest of the week to see how it helped our sex life. He responded well and had no problem with it. Not sure if 4 or 5 days would help much with erectile problems though. But I was glad he was open to trying this. Will check out the Ted great porn experiment and see if he would be willing to watch it.
     
  5. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    Thanks , meatloaf ! that almost sounds like ............ ;D
     
  6. LifeAdventurer

    LifeAdventurer New Member

    Hmm okay. My boyfriend is 30 and not even sure how long he has been watching porn. I don't know how to rate how severe the ED is. But I know I have always been frustrated ( not shown it much) at his inabilty to get up all the way. It basically ended up with me getting an IUD instead of using condoms because the condoms never worked with with the ED probs. Hate feeling unsatisfied a lot. I wouldn't cheat on him but I have had so many dreams of it which I guess is just my subconscious feelings coming out in my sleep. Yes, I think our sex life could be better but I realize it's more important than that to fix a porn problem for his general life.
     
  7. Foxhunter

    Foxhunter Deflect & Parry

    Hate to say this, but I think our age bracket (I am 29) is definitely one of the worst if not the worst. I started watching porn literally as the internet became available. It would take forever to download 1 image on 56k but man did it get me excited at age 12.

    Then high speed became available to us, a few years later. Not only had no one ever experienced anything like this, there could have been no research and no warning about the harmful effects of this kind of porn addiction, not to mention the ED. It's like we have had our sexuality replaced, the first victims.

    At least guys that are 14-20 now can Google and find sites like these or YourBrainOnPorn and get out of it....we had no chance...
     
  8. LifeAdventurer

    LifeAdventurer New Member

    Coyote, if he acknowledges a problem and is willing to test out going without porn, it may work out. I don't think he would agree to staying abstinent throughout that time, but then again we only see each other every couple of weekends so it might work out better than if we saw each other every day.

    The only thing that throws me off with my boyfriend is that he doesn't have a computer or internet... He doesn't have satellite tv or cable- but he has porn videos. Of course this just makes me wonder how much money he spends on this... but it gives me hope that it may be easier to reverse this if it is a real addiction for him? It seems like internet porn would be a lot more harsh because of the abiltiy to choose and click whatever you want for as long as you want. It seems more limited if you are stuck with just DVDs.

    However, It still seems a problem to me (besides ED) that I feel insufficient for not always being okay with what he wants to do sexually (watching porn together, threesomes). Or not performing/sounding the way a porn star would. Not that he has shown that he has been upset to me about these things but it kind of hurts me that he has desires that I don't or can't fullfill.

    I have gotten him to try things with me (sex outside, sex on a yoga ball, etc)... things he hasn't done before. I like to mix it up but the ED can often get in the way. But even though I am open to these things I feel like it still isn't enough for him...
     
  9. LifeAdventurer

    LifeAdventurer New Member

    And then there is him telling me he is okay with me having sex with other women and telling me that a good birthday present to him would be a video of me and my best friend (girl) having sex. I realize this is a strong fantasty he has... but not only am I not sexually attracted to women but I feel like I would be cheating even if he wanted it. I guess I would view it the same way as if I had sex with a man. I have more conservative views in the sex realm even though I am... a pretty liberal person. I just view sex more as love making and I want to share that with one person. I mean I have hooked up with people in the past just for pleasure and had no real emotional connection. But if I am in a commited relationship I want to share this bond with only that one person.

    I guess he and I are having sex together for very different reasons
     
  10. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Addicts, and many people are addicted to porn, don't always use the most sound of reasoning. I agree with you, I see sex as love making and have turned down opportunities for sex within the last year because there was no emotional bond and I knew that it would be empty and unsatisfying.
     
  11. beatsmode31

    beatsmode31 Member

    By having a long distance relationship, it's gonna be difficult for him to be accountable to you.

    I think he should read this page :) Would be a nice kick in the nuts.

    Your guy might be in denial indeed, thinking that his ED problems will be solved by creating new extreme sexual situations like threesome etc. If he can't perform with you in a normal situation, I don't see how he can perform with two girls.

    Anyway Meatloaf is spot on I think. Good luck!
     
  12. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    Hi there, im new here, I just found out my husband of nearly 14 yrs has been addicted to porn most of our relationship,,,he said he started it when I got sick (I damn near died, had 9 surgeries thru the years), I never cut him off he was still getting it a few times a month, here I thought I was being a dutiful wife even though I was sicker than a dog , I still tried to keep him happy (FAIL!)

    I had NO idea he was using it, the few times we'd watched it together wed end up turning it off, laughing about it like this is so cheesy.... well come to find out he wasn't watching cheesy fanstasy porn, he was watching videos women made of them selves masturbating for their significant other... which btw I did that for him too, guess just seeing me wasn't enough.

    Enter him around 35, he starts to get ED, can't get hard without taking these supplements from adult stores, it was great at first he was harder than hed ever been , I didnt think much of it, seemed like we were having a great sex life when he took the pills. well, years down the road, now I'm feeling better, he's getting sex from me nearly every day sometimes more than once, and hes still beating it to those other women! Got to the point viagra, the supllements , nothing worked... he'd get a little hard, the minute I'd touch him he'd loose it, the minute he would try to penetrate, loose it..... really fuckng sucked! Then it came out about the porn about 3 weeks ago.... I couldn't believe it, had and am having all the typical emotions, he has since stopped, and we've had sex twice since then, he's not completly hard, but according to everyone here it takes a while, he cant believe how good it feels..... im like no shit asshole! yeah I'm angry, porn stole 10 years of my intimate life. It does rewire the brain, it does cause ED , it does change how the user is, the way they treat people, and can make real sex with a real person impossible. He NEEDS to stop.

    If you're in a long distance relationship and only seeing him every couple weeks, i guess its up to you how serious you are about him, if you see this going somewhere then you need to show him these sites, hope he will be receptive. Maybe he does't have to stop masturbating all together, but every day, NO way.... like once a week man...come on... and the fact he's asking you to bring others into the relationship.... hells no... i know people who have done that, it didn't end well. it can be a sexy fantasy, but shit like that needs to stay in your heads , not be acted upon....

    sorry you're going thru this
     
  13. fugu

    fugu "You know, feelin' good, livin' betta." :) Staff Member

    Hey! I feel for you. I was in a similar situation with a past girlfriend of mine. I was severely addicted to porn and had frequent trouble achieving erections, but never told her and let the relationship drag on. We broke up without me realizing it.

    I think a lot of people have it right here. He probably is abusing porn and I think trying to approach him is your best option. Unfortunately, if you're addicted to something you have to be ready to come out of it yourself on your own time. The TED talk is a great start and being supportive is key!
     

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