Borshajens journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by borshajen, Apr 10, 2012.

  1. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Hi all

    Some of you remember me from reuniting where I had a blog. I am a 22year old male, living in sweden. It took me a long time to understand that I had an addiction. Last summer I tried to not do pmo, but failed. Then I got a good streak from november to december, 58days. I discovered reuniting when I relapsed after 58days, and was devastated by it. A week after that I went into my old habits, because I hadnt changed anything in my life. I was still a loner, a slacker. I didnt exercise. Mostly I was home in front of the computer.

    My goals are:

    * getting healthy is prio nr1. Rebooting my brain.

    * 120days of no pmo.

    * reach a higher level of consciousness, develop my spirit.

    * finding peace in myself.

    * better confidence in myself.

    Nowadays I try to change as much as possible every day. I take babysteps because this is something I want to do forever.

    My journal from day one:

    Relapsing every two or three days in the beginning. Didnt understand that porn IS the addiction, so I kept edging.

    58 days, one relapse, 7days, 3(days of relapse)relapse, 5days, 10relapse, 12days, 4days relapse, 3days, 5relapse, then it goes like 2 relapses every week. Then 21days, and then a binge after that week (6days relapse). Now im at day 11, been clean since 31march.

    I really dont know why I keep relapsing. I try to exercise every day, at least a good walk. I seek out people, and I LOVE to connect with people. I have never felt that way before, the connection. Even with former girlfriends, I just couldnt connect with them. Sex felt like it was mechanic, no passion what so ever for me. It was more, "get it over with!". My exgf almost raped me because I just didnt want her.

    Any suggestions on helping me? I dont want to relapse over and over again. My computer and selfphone is 100% secure, when I relapse I just google for any suggestive pictures (read booty).

    Kind regards
  2. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member


    Have you tried to minimize your time in front of the pc? Seems like you have done one right step by starting exercising, but maybe you should add some more "hobbies" to fill your day. Every hour less spent in front of the pc is an hour away from danger.

    Success with your reboot!
  3. borshajen

    borshajen New Member


    Yes I have drastically reduced my computer time. It gets alot more boring now to sit in front of it. Especially since I uninstalled all games and blocked all torrent sites.

    Hobbies you say....yes that would be a good idea.
  4. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    Isn´t that part of the problem? You are bored, so you start to watch pics. Why did you uninstall all the games? It is a perfect way for me to waste some hours without even thinking of porn.
  5. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Because I dont want to waste 5hours on something that isnt going to lead anywhere. But yes I do need to make something more.
  6. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    I always find it more of a struggle to abstain if I've been playing video games... not sure why that is. Maybe because video games release dopamine, too.

    Just like you I got a really great streak and then became depressed when I broke it... if I relapse again I'm going to try real hard to get right back on the horse, because the three weeks I spent in self-pity was much more harmful than that one relapse.

    Set google to strict safesearch. Just another little wall between you and relapse.
  7. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Fan va många svenskar det var här :p

    Update: I edged yesterday, for like 3hours looking at nude photos. Its strange because when you finally stop you just think its absurd to do it. Its more like an unhealthy obsession, I mean the brain wants its dopamine I know.

    About edging, does it slow down the process alot? I dont feel especially tired or "I dont give a fuck" attitude.
  8. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    One interesting thing, under all those years my penis where tiny, and during my first reboot it got alot bigger and that was amazing. This week on tuesday I felt the same thing, big penis when it was just in my briefs. Then I edged and now its tiny again.

    Why does the size go up and down so?
  9. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    You want to relapse less?

    It's all about how strong your decision to quit is.

    If you just kinda want to quit and still take a peek to porn here and there, then you will definitely relapse.

    But if you just had enough of all this shit and are completely determined to quit this habit then you will find that it's much easier. You'll dismiss the urges because relapsing is not even an option in your life anymore.
  10. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Very true. That was for me with my first reboot.

    Update for today: brain fog, tired, no confidence, flatline. We had a meeting in my job and it felt like i wasnt there. Big social anxiety, i was nervous just to talk to people. Hope it will go away
  11. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Feeling pretty shitty today. Crying. 15days since my last relapse. Just feeling empty. Flatline, my dick is tiny.
  12. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Having very cold feet and hands today. As with my reboots before, I know its because of low dopamine. I laughed to simpsons yestarday, a good sign.

    /Advance and conquer
  13. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Guten tag my friends,

    I have had a cold these two past days, I suspect it is due to the reboot. But I dont know. It feels really good this time, just this secure feeling inside me that is "Im going to make it!". Restless legs, my feet are stomping like mad right now lol.

    /Advance and conquer
  14. High_Achiever

    High_Achiever New Member

    welcome Borshajen!

    Sweden is well presented in the porn addiction crowd it seems
  15. borshajen

    borshajen New Member


    So I have been pretty sick the last couple of days, no libido what so ever, flatline. Then when I woke up today, about 8-isch, I came :mad:

    What the fuck happend? I didn't touch it or anything, I wasnt even hard. Does this means I go back to day one?
  16. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Anyone has a clue?
  17. High_Achiever

    High_Achiever New Member

    no you're not back to day one....

    How would that be possible? Just keep going and forget what happenned. It's really nothing special. perhaps you can do some kegels. I heared they can prevent wet dreams.
  18. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    Day 22, it's way easier to control my cravings. It appears I have a flatline also, tiny dick, no libido what so ever. Life is just grey. I don't see any point of jacking off, why? I have almost forgot it now lol.

    I think it has to do with the fact that I've been rebooting so many times so my brain gets used to not jacking off.
  19. borshajen

    borshajen New Member

    29days now! It's going good. I feel tired alot, but I know it will get better.

    Does anyone know any good salva for the cock?
  20. High_Achiever

    High_Achiever New Member

    you're in flatline.

    When the flatline ends be prepared for cravings. Are there still porn sources available in your house? If so get rid of them now, at this point it's still easier.

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