Bodhissatva's Journal: walking the path ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bodhissatva, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. alfalfa

    alfalfa Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Allpoots! :)
     
  2. LinuxMint

    LinuxMint New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Mentioning that you are the "affectionate" one in the relationship and that your spouse needs room to "breathe" reminds me of the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book." I'd Google it. The book helped me a ton in my life.
     
  3. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Good for you bodhi. Great to read your strength, determination and courage. So good. This forum really is amazing. Keep posting my friend and keep facing down the fantasy urge. For me it's the trickiest and most slippery of the enemy's gambits.
     
  4. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Another day without PMO.

    I checked out the "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and it looks interesting, LinuxMint. I will probably get it when I can. Also good to hear about another fellow "Penguin fan" doing the right thing.

    On a different subject, we do indeed owe Allpoots quite a few good quotes, and a lot of positive energy in recovery.

    I realized today more than ever that I can replace my addiction to PMO with an addiction to this site. I do get a dopamine fix when I check the new posts, and I read about someone else conquering a bit more of his life. That is something to be thankful for.
     
  5. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Well done on the new day without PMO. I think the first day or two after a relapse are the hardest. We have to fight so hard to get back to a couple of days clean. Once we get those, we can gather some momentum more easily. Good job.
     
  6. Zed.

    Zed. Steady as she goes...

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Yes mate, one day at a time. You're doing great. I saw you posting somewhere else about not having beaten pmo yet, but that you were slowing it up or something and I htink that's a super good place to be. It doesn't have to be one big whammo hit man, each to their own. Since really starting to stop this shit about a year ago I've probably had about 20 porn sessions over 15 resets or something I would guess. With my history that is an amazing deal. Keep on going mate and it'll loosen its hold more and more, leaving room for the real business of life to come flooding in.
     
  7. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Some people just have to have an addiciction. Then you can better be addicted to something as useful as this forum!
     
  8. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Yes I am addicted to this forum too! Gives me a dopamine hit for sure but a mild one compared to fantasy and PMO! Good to see you full of purpose Bodhi. Great stuff.
     
  9. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Guys,

    Mixed feelings today. The day before yesterday ended with me "peeking" at images and getting into my "fantasy world". I spent about an hour there without MO. Then went to bed to find my wife asleep. You have to understand that I haven't made love to my wife in at least a year, and I did not have any hope there. I told myself that at least, I hadn't MOed and went to sleep, a bit frustrated.

    My reptilian brains is sometimes very clever, and it had made a deal with my "in board" computer, so I had combined my counter to indicate PMO a while, so the honor was safe, I had only Pd, not PMOed.

    Then I woke up, and so did my wife, and I started to feel her up. She was not in the mood (as f@%&*$ usual) but she led on to promise that we would have sex that night. Still in a bit of haze and more than a bit frustrated again, I "peeked" at images the yesterday morning for about 30 minutes, then stopped. I stayed in my "fantasy world" for another hour, but then decided to reserve my sexual energy for my wife (IF it was to happen).

    When I went to bed, it started as usual with her promises, her back was aching and bla, bla, bla. But because I hadn't MOed in before, the hormones pressed on and so I insisted she held her promise. And we finally made love. It was not extraordinary, as she does not O with penetration, only with manual and oral stimulation, and she always feels she takes too much time. So it was a quicky to please me. And I was pleased. We joined this morning again, but this time, I did things sort of in a Karezza way, not aiming at O, just for the physical contact, and it was great. I am a very lucky man, as she wants our relationship to work and sorta committed to sex at least once a week. I guess I have to change the way I make love to her and really find ways to please her. I now realize that the effect of porn on me is more profound than I thought, as far a penetration is concerned. Knowledge is power ...

    So, this morning, I cut the BS and reset my counter to yesterday, because I watch P. At the same time, I feel I successfully oriented my "fantasy" energy to "the real" and done good progress on my marriage. I feel more connected to my wife. All in all a good week-end.
     
  10. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hey Bodhi

    It happens and sounds like with this one you learnt a huge amount. As well as reconnecting with your wife. You sound positive and looking forward. Great to read. Keep at it!
     
  11. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I too struggle with the reset on peeks. All my resets start from peeking. First it's just a stray image on a website, then next time I linger a bit more, then it just goes downhill.

    But the P is really what YBOP is all about. If we are being honest with ourselves, intentional P viewing is a counter reset. But I know all too well the game-playing our brains can do when struggling through this.
     
  12. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Bodi, the P was not a good move, but the progress with your wife makes more than up for it. Im pleased for you. Keep at it. Dont let these crappy porn images spoil the party. It aint that fantastic really , is it. When in a sober moment you think about the reality of porn... how pathetic. You gotta say it.
    It might be in the long run a good approach to work very sensitively on your wifes sex issues. That backpain, migraine or whatever excuse deal is a bit obvious. She has a sex issue. She would be a happier person if she tackled that. Maybe she would open up to that, if careingly approached. It would make you happier too, since you would get it more often and more satisfyingly
     
  13. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Good to hear in regards to the progress with your wife, bodhi. I think your smart not to let the P take away from having true connections with "her presence".

    BTW, you can set your counter to "XX days since I last looked at P" if you do choose to reset from looking at P without MO, as mine indicates.
     
  14. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Guys,

    First, thanks for the support, I really appreciate it.

    RR: I played with the different option on the counter, I just feel that P and MO just go too much together for me. I also appreciate your kind words (and mc's, and imout's) about the progress. To me, this is the goal, improving my life all around.

    The relation with my wife keeps improving. I feel she is making a real effort to treat her depressive state, and that in turns is affecting our couple very positively. It is also clear in my mind that what I am doing is also having a great impact, even though she is not aware of my reboot. I will leave it a that for now. I feel I have to eventually tell her, but I don't want to mess with the positive thing that is happening now.

    I just read this. Thanks, Short Guy! This is right on for me. Guilty on all counts. All 3 of them.

    I still have ideas that latch onto my brain and keep me coming back to "that state". I am getting better at handling them. Actually just shifting focus and getting back to the now. I know I might relapse, and that's ok. I will be starting the spreadsheet to track my progress. I changed my target back to 7 days. I know I will hit the 90 days at one point, but for now, I just want to improve and I am sick of feeling guilty.

    Again Guys, thanks for the replies, they really do mean a lot to me.
     
  15. fapdout

    fapdout Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Bodhissatva

    This feels like reading my own journal. Only when I relapsed I stayed that way for months. You've recommitted, you've done another day without porn. Give yourself a pat on the back when you've done the 7 days goal and commit to more. I'm on about 10 days without PMO and feeling better each day. Stay the course, dude.
     
  16. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Keep at it man, I am down here in the trenches with ya. Forget the counter. I know if I can even avoid one trigger, I've succeeded. My journey is different than others here, but you and I seem on the same one. I find myself giving up too easily in challenges in my life as well. I'll take any and every small victory along the road to changing that around.
     
  17. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Removed my counters. Keep relapsing, no point really. Not ready yet. I will come back to the forum when I am ready. Thanks to all for the support. Everything I wrote, I meant. Just don't have the iron will necessary for this yet.
     
  18. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I'm sorry to hear this bodhi. Not only just for us, bc I have enjoyed reading about you honest attempts to improve your relationships, but also bc I'd like to believe it was helping you—no matter how many times you relapse. The important thing to me is that you wanted to quit and were honest about what you were going through. It is often said here that this is not a linear journey.

    You are always welcome to update no matter what is going on (counter or no counter). I hope you find some form of support and peace of mind in your difficult situation. Wish you well.
     
  19. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    For me, an "iron will" was not the way. Surrender, understanding that I do NOT have the force of will necessary to quit, that was a key part of the solution for me. We are addicts. We have a condition of mind and body that makes it virtually impossible for us to quit. Others in our position have sought a spiritual experience, a total change of character, and have then found that the urge to continue in their addiction is magically lifted.

    Return, Bodhi. The path of PMO is painful and demoralizing for all involved. There is a solution.
     
  20. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I hope you come back. We don't care if you relapse every hour, this isn't a contest or a competition. It's a place to find support with people who understand. Journaling helps, both you and others. But I respect your decisions, and wish you the best. Don't take the addiction personally, much of it is hard-wired stuff that repetition has conditioned the system to.
     

Share This Page