Bodhissatva's Journal: walking the path ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bodhissatva, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hey Bhodhi, sounds like you are making wonderful progress with your relationship. Enjoy the cuddling, it supposedly can give your brain oxytocin that can counter the dopamine hit cravings. Besides, you don't want to fuck up where you've come so far with you wife. Pardon my french.

    oh, and congrats on hitting a dozen days.
     
  2. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Thanks for the thoughts Real_Rewards. Oddly enough, my first language is French ;)

    Day 13. I had a drink yesterday. Social occasion - work related. No biggy there, went to bed to find my wife. Still nothing sexual happening, but I'm in no rush.

    It's no pic-nic to stop PMO, I won't lie. Sometimes, I stumble on a pic and then boom, my brain is going back there. I am now able to "feel" the "drug" flooding my brain. It is a strange feeling to now be aware of something that use to completely overwhelm me.

    I now shut it off, I move through it. I can't realistically ask this world not to provide the stimuli, I can only control my own response to it.

    One thing I always wondered: how woud I react if a very beautiful woman just offered herself to me. This never happened to me. I was always completely oblivious to the effect I might have on women (if any). I've sometimes heard that some found me attractive by other people (way after, or course), but I never notice it myself. Heck of a blind spot. I always thought I was making myself emotionally unavailable as soon as I was in a relationship. But now, I think PMO kept me from feeling other peoples emotions. To get to the point: I was wondering if I would have the strength to politely decline the advances of a beautiful woman. In the past, surely not. Currently, I am not sure, but I feel my resolve slowly building up. I suspect that if I can abstain from PMO and successfully reboot, I could be that strong type who could say no, thanks. I hope that is the man I can be. It seems like the "Big Guy in the Sky" did not tempt me beyond my capacity, so I'm blessed and thankful.

    The rewards of the reboot are starting to show up. Better focus, big progress work wise. I now have more drive to get things done. My wife is also doing better. There is no more talk of separation, but this is obviously just the first step. I want to re-establish the emotional trust. That can only be done by taking better care of her and the kids. I still make stupid mistakes, like prioritizing work over my family on the week-ends, but I figure them out faster and change my ways. That is big progress for me, that awareness.

    Anyway, thank you guys for being here!
     
  3. Zed.

    Zed. Steady as she goes...

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Great to read of your progress Bodhi, sounds like you've hit your stride mate. I hear you on the stimuli aspect of it - there's no way that will ever disappear, in fact I'd guess it's only going to increase with time, but like everything, it's all about our reaction to the situation which is the real problem, not what we're being exposed to.
     
  4. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Great to hear that update. Well done. It can only get better as you stay away from the PMO.
     
  5. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    This is great news Bodhissatva. I feel more awareness too. I am quicker to feel and sense things and am sure like you it just gets better the more we stay away from PMO. Really good to read about your progress.
     
  6. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Failed again. I feel ashamed, receiving support for Zed and allpoots and all of you Guys, and then relapsing. I had a fantasy that I could not extinguish, and it stayed with me all day, like a splinter in my mind.

    The basis of this whole process is honesty. Brutal honesty. So I reset. And I start again. Darn.

    I took another page from the book of Omega Man, and added my reset history. At least, maybe I can try to make sense of it by tracking some form of progress ...
     
  7. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Man Im so happy that you just accept the relapse for what it is and get on with it. Reset the clock and go on with th egood work. That is how this works. Dont feel overly bad about it , but learn from it. That in itself shows that you are well down the track to recovery: not getting stuck in guilt or binge or disappear from the forum. Excellent Bodi.
    Dont know if anyone understands or if you think Im overdoing it here. I feel a real loss when a newbie arrives on the scene with great expectations. This time hes really gonna do it. you get acquainted, you put some energy into the guy, empathise with his story, develop a (virtual of course ) bond, he relapses, gets all worked up but shows a brave face, 2 weeks later he disappears altogether. I feel a real loss. Like:' What? you have a wank and then you just disappear?' I get a bit cranky: "just pick yourself up and stop that self-pity. "

    We choose porn over love
    we chose porn over relationship
    and ultimately in this case:
    We choose porn over friendship

    Of course our friendship here is unconditional. It has to be for this to work. But I do feel a personal loss when someone disappears from the forum.

    rant rant rant. Great you are here. I enjoy your company. Just have to learn to kick these fantasies out of your mind. Right ehen they come up , Bodi, dont follow them. Erase them. Porn aint for you , never again.
     
  8. alfalfa

    alfalfa Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    It's not a failure, it's another valuable learning experience that forms part of your journey towards sobriety.
     
  9. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    This is true. The 3rd time I started over (between the 1st and the 2nd went over a year btw) I had much more understanding to take on this path again. Just a warning—from my experience after a relapse the fantasy images can be still vivid and it can take a few days to get some distance. Be vigilant and remember that your reality life has far better rewards in store.

    Hope you didn't feel any pressure about "fucking it up". I just wanted you to know you had made some excellent progress. And you still can.
     
  10. CA$H

    CA$H New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    You and me both bro. I started my journal today too. I too have two kids and an awesome wife. Let's support each other and do this together.

    $
     
  11. Bob Jenkins

    Bob Jenkins New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    A minor blip, Bodhi. Get right back up on the horse and keep moving forward.
     
  12. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi,

    just red through your journal again. You have a hard fight. But it was not useless. You already learned a lot.

    About your wife: My wife told me that she was reflecting my state. When I feel low, she feels as well. During the last weeks we made tremendous improvements. I am not longer depending on her to keep things well. I am strong and I can carry even her load a bit. And that makes a difference.

    I think in the past I was using my wife as an emotional tank, sucking her out. And demanding sex or complaing (inwardly) whe she didn't fulfill my needs. At this point in my life I don't need sex or orgasms to fulfill my needs. I can have it or not. I can enjoy it or leave it. It doesn't affect my well-being.

    As you have reported, the well-being of your wife affects you. So the question is how to come free from that. We can do a lot of things to calm us down or to distract us. We can chat, exercise, even meditate. Still we are missing something.

    What me helped, was the knowlegde that there is a being behind all things, loving us unconditionally and willing to help us. Having all that ready for us what we need. And being there to fill the viods in our life. And giving strength, when we have not. Calming down the restlessness. Comforting when we have pain.

    What I did, was to accept that and being ready to get connected to these powers. I made a simple mantra for me: Peace and Power and Joy are flowing through me. I breathed slowly and said this with every breath. Just remebering me to the reality which is there and available for me. And this I do now for some weeks. Evertime, when there is a space. Evertime when life is stirred up.

    And it's not the techinque, but the acceptance that there is something ready for me. Without any condition. Giving me strength and flowing through me towards others. Being a channel for the power beyond the universe.

    Okay, one could talk about make-belive. Yes, even that would have an effect. But I think it's more. For me it's no straight walk. Sometimes I'm forgetting. Sometimes I'm filling the voids an empty spaces in my life with other things like excessive eating or alcohol. But I'm always comming back to the source of my life, and I see still more changes in my life.

    I haven't tried that during the early stages of my reboot. So I cannot tell you how it will work during urges. But for dealing with the everyday problems of life (which have caused me before to PMO) it works.

    Maybe there is something for you to extract out of my experiences.
     
  13. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Good to see your resolve to keep trying.

    Perhaps one thing you can take from this is the power and danger of fantasy. If you are like me, an addict, then you cannot allow these fantasies to take hold. I must extinguish them when they are weakest, in the very beginning. Otherwise, they grow in power and surpass my ability to shut down them down. It passes from fantasy to obsession and I end up in PMO.

    I view fantasy the same as I would a PMO session. I can't start on either or I'm heading for relapse.
     
  14. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Bodhi

    Great to see you bounce straight back. That is the key IMO. Relapse happens so I hope you don't let it bother you. You say you felt ashamed. Don't. Has anyone here not relapsed? Please just learn from it and move on.

    I agree with allpoots on fantasy. Its a real issue for me. When I tried to quit PMO before, I didn't give up MO including lots of fantasy.

    This time I am trying to not fantasise. It is much harder for me than giving up P but unfortunately many of the guys I respect deeply in here say that fantasy triggers and leads to PMO and my gut and past experience says this is true.

    Many people here recommend George Collins: Breaking the Cycle. He is really good on this subject (including ogling women and fantasising from that too). Its a quick read and full of practical no-nonsense tips.

    I don't pretend it is not a struggle. Fantasy has always been my drug of choice when the chips are down. It has always seemed a warm safe haven from the struggles of life. I am trying to learn that this is of course a delusion. No doubt fine to have the odd one if you are not an addict but for me...
     
  15. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    That says it all. Normal people can fantasize. But we've lost the power of choice regarding fantasy. In the Big Book of AA it compares an alcoholic to a guy with his legs cut off. They'll never grow back. And we'll never be normal people with respect to porn, masturbation, fantasy and ogling. We need to accept that and move on to living a great life. Alcoholics can't take even one drink. We're in the same boat, but with a different abstinence.
     
  16. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Wow. It's "the day after" and I really needed this. The binge lasted 3 hours. Still, I'm out of it and Rising Up with Fists.

    Keep ranting imout. Real Heroes don't quit. This forum is a very special place because of guys like you. The real heroes, the real warriors.

    I feel we are all on a very special, new, frontier.

    After reading your posts, I feel invigorated. I went to see my therapist this morning, and he reminded me a simple truth: seeing this as a failure is the worst plan ever. It is the best way to make sure I always feel like a failure. Then I connect and I read alfalfa's comment. Basically the same thing, but free, therefore priceless. Thank you alfalfa.

    Then I think: it's a process, dummy. You already win when you start it and you keep winning your life back as you continue on. A journey of a thousand mile start with one step. Then you realize that the only step that exists is the one you are taking now. Thanks, Eckart. I'm starting to get it.

    And don't worry Real_Rewards, there was no pressure in your post, just a perfectly valid warning. For me, doing good is actually a very potent trigger, even more so than feeling like shit. When I am happy and feeling good, my brain goes "What now? Where's the dopamine?".

    To me, that is the key. Thank you youngoldie. You did bring light to an area of my relationship to my wife that I had not realized. Also, you spiritual approach to handling daily issues is close to what I strive for, but use different words to express.

    My target is 90 days without PMO, with no expectations towards my wife. She is also healing, and if it happens, it happens. I now know that I am the only one responsible for my happiness (although I now refer to it more as serenity or contentment). One of my big fear was/is abandonment. Some part of me now fears being abandoned by my wife. But I am growing out of it. I need to take my real place in my own family. Be the rock. A soft spoken, well behaved rock. In the real world, it is probably getting closer to that, but I think it is time my head realizes what my soul already knows.

    This is right on target. Also, for me, there is no such thing as MO. Only PMO. I can't MO without the P, even if it is just P from my own memory bank, it is still P. So, this means total abstinence during the reboot And if I really want to stay with my wife, no MO afterward. Sex is meant to be with my life partner. And I will do it.

    Thanks also to Bob, 7 and mc for taking the time to drop me a line. The effect that this has on me can't me underestimated. I feel better now.

    P.S.: I edited this post twice to better reflect my feelings, sorry if you saw the first version ...
     
  17. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    With apologies to the person who came up with it for not acknowledging him by name:

    We can't take even one THINK!!!
     
  18. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Indeed, bright_eyes, indeed ... 8)
     
  19. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    This thread here shows what an awesome bunch this is. If people interacted like this in real life all the time, this planet would make some headway. The compassion and judgement-free support is fucking awesome, excuse my gutter lamguage.
     
  20. LinuxMint

    LinuxMint New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I think that a good suggestion for a "substitute" for PMO is to record yourself reading affirmations about yourself, and listen to them over and over. Just an idea...
     

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