Bodhissatva's Journal: walking the path ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bodhissatva, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hey Boddhi, interesting question. I thought about it in a different way: If I was grown as I am now since we broke up, would I have saved my marriage (want and could) or would I have left the marriage even sooner (knowing we shouldn't be together or knowing I couldn't make it a happier one). I don't have the answer. I do know that I do not regret a moment we seperated. But we did try really everything to make it work. So that made it in a way easier when in the end we did decide to break up.

    Don't really know how much the addiction was a problem. or something else that caused the addiction. She had hers. Escapes from reality.

    But yeah, of course, the cleaner one is, the better one can cope with anything in life, so also a troubling relationship.

  2. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    3 things I am grateful for this morning:

    - I am grateful for my eldest son that is working by my side on my start-up project
    - I am grateful for finding my calling and not feeling it is work at all
    - I am grateful for how peaceful the country I am living in is

    Thanks Arizona. The bottom line is, whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Water is wet and rocks are hard, and reality is what it is. I do like stoicism, as you might as well live with reality, and act upon what you can the best way you can ...

  3. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    3 things I am grateful for this morning:

    - I am grateful for the new resolve I feel and the realization of what fantasy means, really
    - I am grateful for my brother and what he brings to my life
    - I am grateful for hockey game I will get to watch tonight, with my son being the goalie

    I removed the counter again today, as I feel shame I fell again. In the past weeks, I have accumulated another stash which I will delete when I get back home. At least the shame will not be in vain if it pushes me to do that. I need to let go. Fantasy is not reality. If I can't touch the girl, she's not real. Simple. I keep running back to this virtual world where I have a bit of control, when I should gain some control in the real world. I have tools. I am smart. I'm not bad looking. I built a family. I am not helpless. Most of all, I don't know much, but I can learn. If I can change my diet to fit my convictions, I can certainly change my sexual behaviour for the same reason.

  4. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hey Bodhi,
    Check Ite's last reply in my thread. It was a nice one. Interesting read. If you have the time…

    Also, this post also helped me a bit:

    Cheers buddy.
  5. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Bodhi, thanks for the encouraging words on my journal. I really like your listing gratitude on your journal. I'm trying real hard to focus on all the great things in my life instead of what I don't have. Not easy getting out of that fantasy world and living but it will be worth it.

    Glad you are here.
  6. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    So, just deleted my stash, as promised. I also locked myself out from a P site on which it was impossible to delete your account (these guys are smart, you always come back eventually if you have a weakness).

    Thanks for the links, Arizona, it was indeed a good read.

    And also thanks WRAT, I appreciate the support.

    Now, the stopping really starts again ...

  7. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Nice going. I 'had to' delete mine while my gf was on the phone. After I told her I stopped watching, she asked if I still had stuff on my computer. At that moment, on the phone, I had to decide, and I deleted it. Never regret that moment. And was honest enough to tell her I was deleting it as we spoke. That was the last time I had porn on my computer.

    Would I have deleted it without her asking about it? Probably not. Maybe later, maybe not yet…
    So she helped me there. But I realized while deleting, I didn't do it 'for her'. I was really conscious that I deleted it because I (and the 'I' is very important here) wanted a girlfriend in real life, and experience a sexual relation that at that time required a porn free me. So I did it not for her, but for me. Therefore no dis-balance came into our relationship if you know what I mean…

    Great step Boddhi…
    Keep us posted.
  8. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    3 things I am grateful for this morning:

    - The incredible calm I feel this morning after walking to the office
    - The resolve I feel about using the NoA method to beat this thing
    - The new challenge I was handed yesterday at work, which will allow me to use my skills for good reasons

    Hey Arizona, this is actually my third time deleting my stash. It somehow feels more real this time. I just have to keep the alcohol intake under control, and choose wisely when I do decide to have fun that way.

    I will keep busier in the next few weeks. I feel if I fill my life with actual living, I won't need PMO ...

  9. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    Hah… same here. But the last time worked. Once you gather some, as soon as you can, delete it again. It boost up the confidence. :)
  10. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    3 things I am grateful for this morning:

    - I am grateful for the work of the artists and artisans that produce the series I love to watch
    - I am grateful for discovering the pleasure of audio books that make my cooking time a time of learning as well
    - I am grateful for my youngest son's energy and joy of living which is contagious

    I had to be on standby for work until late yesterday, and I had a few drinks while watching a science-fiction series. There were steamy scenes in the show, but I remembered a post by LTE in which he was stating that something becomes porn only if we let it. I am happy to report that it is true. Normally, this would have triggered me, but it didn't. All I saw was two beautiful people expressing desperate love to one another. Through reading material from much wiser and more experienced rebooters, I feel I am making progress.

    Thanks for everyone sharing on this forum.

  11. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    3 things I am grateful for this morning:

    - I am grateful for LTE being on this forum helping guys out, and me at the same time, and for him pointing me to Mark Gungor
    - I am grateful for my eldest son, which I have the honour of guiding through teenage-hood
    - I am grateful for the things I am currently learning and possibly teaching in the future

    Yesterday, following LTE's advice on Guy_Stewart, I discovered this guy:

    Mark Gungor

    This guy gets it. He gets relationships. If you are not a Christian or a believer, don't let this stop you from benefiting from this man's wisdom and knowledge. If you are married, and chose a family life, you need this information. I suspect you need it if you are single too. I haven't heard everything, but what I heard made sense to me. It actually helped me immediately.

    Thanks again, LTE ...

  12. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    I just finished the Mark Gungor's video above, and I stand by what I wrote. This is crucial information. As an a humanist and and atheist, my only concern is that the Christian setting and background will prevent some people from appreciating how extraordinary that guy is. This is universal information, and it needs to be share with people of all faiths and religion in my opinion, it transcends it all ...

    I will definitely encourage the spread of this message by buying stuff from him, it's too important.

  13. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    3 things I am grateful for today:

    - I am grateful for "Instant Karma", which sent me a message this morning that my ego was getting in the way of me being a good person. Message received ...
    - I am grateful for the new life that will be mine if I let it and stay tuned
    - I am grateful for my wife being aware of her mood changing and warning me about it

    Tough morning. I got a ticket for being too impatient on the road this morning. I hardly slept yesterday, having been to a hockey game and being to wired by the action when I came back home. I was an idiot and got into a shouting match with a kid about non-sportsmanship behaviour of their team at the end of the game. Well, the past is the past, I apologized and now need to forgive myself.

    Oh well, what does not kill you makes you depressive stronger ...

  14. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Bodhi, forgive yourself for the shouting match. Sometimes we have to shout to get our point across. Take a deep breath and relax so you can get through today clean.
  15. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Most of the time when I'm angry, I'm really angry at myself.

    As WRAT said, forgive yourself. Examine the issues that bring you to self medicate and accept yourself as you really are. (The problem is, I make it sound so easy you'd think I was cured myself. . .)
  16. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Thanks WRAT and Wabi-sabi, you guys are both right.

    I just heard of a definition of forgiveness: you say I forgive you, then you never, ever, ever mention this again. If you do, you haven't really forgiven. In case of self-forgiveness, I guess this would be realizing you hurt yourself by not living up to your own standards, examine what happened, figure out why it happened, learn the valid lesson in it, then forgive yourself, and finally, never, ever, ever feel bad about it again. So that is what I just did.

    I feel on edge and withdrawal is well on its way. Short tempered, coupled with very clear thoughts, and very incisive humour. People around me noticed, and they find it mostly funny. I have to watch myself, so I will go to sleep early tonight to avoid any temptation.

  17. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    3 things I am grateful for this morning:

    - I am grateful my wife just left with me eldest to go shopping for stuff
    - I am grateful for this "free" day on which I only have to do regular house stuff
    - I am grateful for the pleasure and emotions I will have tonight while watching championship finale hockey match in which my son is a goalie

    Wow, this will be a great day!

    I watched an extremely intense movie yesterday night with my wife. It was especially troublesome to her, but she loved it. The down side was that after such a roller coaster emotional ride, there was not enough energy to make love to me. I frustrated a little, as everything in the evening pointed to such an end. I finally let go of the whole thing and went to sleep. I just realized that it would probably better for my reboot not to engage any way. And if I do decide to abstain, it will be the easiest thing in the world, as I am always (and I do mean always) the initiator. 2 days ago, that bothered me to the point of questioning the marriage, but I watched a few of Mark Gungor's video and I am now re-assured it as normal as a couple can be "normal".

  18. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Bodhi: It's great to be back here with you! I just saw that we are together in a similar place right now.

    Know that I am in full mental support of both of us! Also, thank you for reminding me to BE MINDFUL OF THAT WHICH I CAN BE GRATEFUL.

    It's really good to "see" you again, old friend.
  19. Arizona

    Arizona All answers can be found within

    What movie? :)
  20. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Thanks Guy, keep at it! I know I'll try ...

    @Arizona: the movie's name is Mommy, from director Xavier Dolan. The language is French-Canadian, quite crude, as it depicts the struggles of a poor, single mother dealing with severely violent ADHD kid. I think it is available with English subtitles.

    I guess what touch my wife so much is the impossibility of some situations that a mother can face.

    3 things I am grateful for this morning:

    - I am grateful for not falling yesterday, as all the usual element were present: booze, alone time late at night etc ...
    - I am grateful for this place which is currently acting as my source for a "novelty hit" and allows me to avoid doing something else
    - I am grateful for the existence of

    Today, I did:
    - 20 push-ups
    - 100 crunches

    My son's team lost yesterday. The end result was a bit disappointing, but it was still a great game, with lots of emotions. My son played well, even in defeat. I am proud of him beyond words.

    I watched 1.5 episode of a series late last night, and I noticed it is just a bit easier each time to get into the NoA mode. I find that even there, The Slight Edge works. Small incremental decisions that lead to a better life ...


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