Bodhissatva's Journal: walking the path ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bodhissatva, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    First, thank you guys for the support. You are really the best. When I read your replies, I can feel you guys there, helping the best way there is: sharing experiences.

    No, I was not surprised. We talked about it today, and it looks like the separation is a sure thing. Now comes the tough part, selling the house, moving out, breaking up the family, organizing one week on / one week off with the kids. Big difference from the previous near separation experiences we had in the past: the panic of being alone happens sometimes, but other times, a sort of calm comes over me and tells me that everything is going to be alright. At the same time, I see freedom there. Freedom to do what though? It used to be that freedom was to binge drink and binge PMO. Now, it will have to be something else. The next few months will be difficult.

    Real_Rewards, I empathise with you and I have great admiration for what you did for your dad. It is easy enough to help the ones that are thankful, but it takes real courage to help and love the ones that fight us. We are all dealing with family stuff and often enough, we can't really share about it. I found that this fight we have with PMO is really about incredibly deeper changes we need to do in our lives. It is only by making those changes that I feel like I can beat this.

    That is the plan. Thank you for the words mc2013bn, I feel we have a parallel path in a lot of ways. My hopes are to salvage my family, but I now feel that I have to let go for now. Some things just need to happen. Tonight, I asked my wife why she thinks we need to separate. Her answer was : I need to breath. I can't, for the life of me, figure out how I am preventing her from breathing. But you know what, I don't need to know. I now feel ok with that. Again, this weird serenity about it, as before there was only panic.

    That is the most comforting thought. I think we have to make it very clear to all the newbies that relapse will happen, and that the important thing is coming back. I think a counter with a history would be a good thing, just to remind us how far we have come. I have notice guys adding a history manually as a comment to their counter. I think that is a great idea. But mostly, I think the influence of guys like you, imout, who ping people when they haven't posted in a while, reminding them gently that relapse is not the end of the world, that there is not shame in that, is what is most important. That is what makes this place special. People who care. When you get a response that shows the person actually read what you wrote. That makes the biggest difference in the world.

    BTW, Congrats Flesh and Bones! You reached your goal! So, what will you set the counter to now?

    Again, Guys, thanks for being there.
     
  2. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I'm sensing a calm in your last post compared to the others. My guess is that it's due to the certainty of the situation: regardless of the outcome, you now know where things stand. It also seems like it's not only something you expected, but I sense you are relieved has finally happened. Regardless of my guessing, you definitely seem in a better place mentally than earlier.

    As far as that newfound "freedom", as you suspected it will indeed be tough. Be sure to lean on us here on the forums!
     
  3. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    the upcoming freedom is a challenge, too much time by oneself is poisonous. Socializing helps enormously, bu you still end up alone in the house.

    We had a great discussion on my journal about newbies relapsing and those oldies who fall over in difficult circumstances. Posted it yesterday. Might interest you , lots of people butted in.

    My battle with my (ex)GF is ongoing. Today I have told her that with her lack of commitment to work on our issues and be positive about the process, and even to commit being with me in a phase where we try to work out if there is a future, is unsustainable for me. It rips me up. Devastates me to be branded Porn addict in every argument. Every issue is always loaded onto me being a porn addict, meaning all issues are mine.
    Being in a relationship during this time is harrowing, few here seem to have a good time at least untill it settles a bit later in the process.
     
  4. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    To just another day!
     
  5. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I've been through similar things. It's a bitch.
     
  6. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Bodhissatva

    What you write makes a lot of sense. You sound really calm and strong in the midst of these challenges. Really great to read. I am sorry that there are so many troubles but I am sure you can work through it given how well you sound. Keep strong. All these guys here are supporting you and cheering you on in this journey. me too. Yes I feel we are on a parallel path.

    Look after yourself well.
     
  7. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Well, today was weird. It started well, reading your replies, always insightful: OM, your Omega 6th sense is right on. There was relief, but this morning, there was also panic. Sometimes, thinking about the family being broken up just hits me in the stomach and leave me out of breath. So I called my wife and suggested she see her therapist (we used to go to the same one, and she stopped a while ago. Big mistake) to sort her feelings out. Once that's done, we talk again. She agreed, which usually (yes, this happened before) means there is hope.

    Anyway, that's the current status. You were right imout, it's never over 'til the fat lady sings. I read on another thread about your GF, it saddens me and I feel for you. On the other hand, I feel you and I share a similar emotional dependency. I think you had the right move in stating clearly your needs and sticking to it. You have to find your inner strength and stand-up. That is what I intend to do. Even if we stay together, I fully intend to claim what I should expect from my life partner emotionally and physically. At the end of my reboot (I intend to do a 90 days). Past that, if the message did not go across, I will simply, calmly, in my own terms, walk away from the relationship. I am hoping to be a better man, by then. I never had the courage of doing this. But it is building up. I am also keenly aware that my PMO issues might have been the cause of the emotional and physical distance building up between us. So that is why I don't want to end this. Once I get my bearings right, my compass adjusted, then I feel I will be in a better position make a decision and act on it.

    Finally, Flesh and Bones has it right too: my big planning is still happening one day at a time one moment at a time.

    Guys, thanks again for the support. I am starting very slowly to pay it forward, as it should ...
     
  8. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Bodi, emotional dependency is dead on. I take a slice from your resolution: I will stay true to myself while still pursuing her. There is certain ground you cannot afford to loose in a relationship
     
  9. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Stay strong man.
     
  10. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Having a good day! My wife and I did not talk about the separation yesterday, but she is seeing the therapist tomorrow morning and started an anti-depressant treatment today. This worked for her before.

    She was feeling blue this morning, so I sent flowers to her workplace with a note that said "Smile". Big effect. That worked.

    I also added me a counter for alcohol. I am aiming at a complete reboot for 90 days. I am keeping a lower more realistic goal in the counters, taking a page from the book of Omega Man. Baby steps ... I now know that I am a much better man all around when sober. Doesn't mean I won't be drinking socially after the reboot, but for now, I want to meet the real me once and for all ...
     
  11. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I've been reading up on your journal. Well done for keeping the reboot going during some very trying times.

    May I ask, does your wife know about your PMO use?
     
  12. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi allpoots, no my wife does not know. She probably has her doubts, but I haven't told her. I will if she asks the question directly, or I might eventually, but for now, I want to do this on my own. I know for a fact that if she had seen what I escalated to watching or reading in the end, she would have freaked out. I was relieved when I read on YBOP that what we escalate to is not necessarily really what we would normally go to as for sexual practices.

    At the same time, I know that every time we had sex, I would not go to P for a week. But we haven't had real sex in a looong while. I am hoping to help that with the reboot ...
     
  13. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    AMEN. THe disgusting shit you can get into, when the dopamine runs low. brrrr. I have owned up to my woman what fringe areas I veered into. Fortunately I didnt go all the way. But it was way beyond what my ethics would allow me normally and if this shit was presented to me in person I would freak out and run. Example, if Im allowed to get specific. Im into Big boobs and big women. The size of the mellons and the size of the women in the end was.... no words for it.
    If I encountered that in real life... makes me laugh now from the safety of distance.
     
  14. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I never got into fringe stuff, my escalation was in the staggering amount of content in my stash. The definition of "seeking novelty".
     
  15. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    My view is that there is no need to tell your wife now that you are early in recovering your life. But you need to seriously consider this down the road. In the end, it is an intensely personal decision. Having said that, it is a near certainty that you should not get into the precise detail of the type of content you were looking at.

    What you should probably do now is to come to an understanding of the impact your secret life has had on your wife. You have been having regular "affairs" in your mind and soul. You have isolated her physically and emotionally. In prisons, isolation is used to break prisoners. It creates torment and pain. She has been suffering and does not know why. You must accept this and own it. That means that, whatever behavior she may direct to you, however uncomfortable it is to you, is, in some way, justified or expected. You must accept it.

    Going forward, you must reach out to her. First, perhaps, in little ways. What can you do today that shows that you care, no matter how she behaves to you, or what she currently thinks your future is? You will have to do this for the rest of your life, even if you are separated. You owe it to her, to try to undo, in some little way, the damage that you have done.

    These needn't be big things. It is about a consistency over the long term. Kindness, tolerance, love. It was the drip, drip, drip of isolation due to PMO that has brought her to where she is. Now you must turn to the drip, drip, drip of selfless love, day by day.

    Don't expect anything in return right away. You have years invested in the damage. You will need to spend months and years investing in the repair.
     
  16. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    10 days, Bodi. Landmark. All the best for the next 10, 20, 100.
    The disclosure issue is very tricky. I would always be the one to champion the honest approach. Dont know about your sexlife , but i was incapable of having one due to ED and zero libido. I withheld all this sexual attention from her and accumulated an inability to have sex on top of it. She needed to know what i was secretly doing to her and myself of course. She actually demanded it from me , because she suspected it. She had done the research.

    However reading othe rguy's stories and how their relationships exploded into nothing after teh disclosure. I would not want th eresponsibility of having advised someone to do it. There is also something to be said about disclosing it in sanatised parts. slowly over time.
     
  17. allpoots

    allpoots Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I strongly advise against this approach. It will lead to the impression that there is always another installment to come, that not all has been said. It should be said, if at all, all at once. No partial disclosure, followed by more partial disclosure ...
     
  18. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Guys,

    First, thank you for being there. allpoots, I read your journal and it touched me greatly.

    We each have our own stories, and mine differs from yours in a lot of points, but is similar in others. I always felt my going to PMO was because my wife didn't want to have sex. We have been together for 15 years, the first two years were amazing. Then within the same year, her father died in a bicycle accident and she found out she was pregnant with our first boy during the funeral. I feel this was traumatic for her, because she had emigrated to Canada from France, and that meant that her mother was now alone in France. Since then she was never the same. And the sex was gone, save once every 2 months.

    I was always into P, but with the lack of sex and affection, it got worst. And here is where our story is similar. PMO increased our emotional distance.

    It is very strange, when I look at who I chose as a mate. Beautiful, elegant, intelligent but psychologically rigid. A hard headed woman, like Cat Stevens would describe her. She does make me do my best. I replicated my parent's marriage in reverse. I am the affectionate one. for my parents, my mom was the affectionate one and my dad the rigid, emotionally distant one. He deprived my mother of a sexual life for 23 years. She always thought she was the problem, she kept going to courses, therapies and all for nothing. At the end, my dad went religious and she left him. I don't want to replicate that. I am willing to take responsibility for what is mine. But she has to do steps too. I have been seeing a therapist for over 6 years, just to keep me aligned. But I feel all the big progress have been made in the past 10 days or so.

    allpoots, you are right about the little things I can do for her. I will be patient. I will be kind. And I will also be realistic in both my expectations and my needs.

    As for the disclosure, I will play it by ear. I trust my gut will tell me when will be the time. I read about Richie's testimony and it scares me for now. I feel for Richie, he is going through a very tough time. What I learned through support groups about disclosure is that it is fine to do it if it does not hurt the other, if it doe not do more damage than good. For now, I am not seeing it.

    The good news is that my wife and I are back in bed (without sex, but we cuddle and we spoon), and not talking about separating anymore. She is seeing her therapist and trying real hard. On my hand, I will support her as best as I can.

    Thanks to imout for my 10 days anniversary congrat! I am having a hard time these past couple of days. I am horny as heck, and I have to use all my meditation techniques to kill the fantasies as they rise, but I am hanging on.

    Thanks again for being there, you guys make it possible!
     
  19. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Note that there's a difference here between being horny and having dopamine cravings. Either way, it's a tough time, I know! Use all your tricks if need be. Just remind yourself of what you are doing this for.
     
  20. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    hi Bodi, I had attacks of ultra horniness in the first 12 days. surely related to the abstinence. Then it went quiet, dead quiet. I was in flatline until about day 45. Its a blessing, since it takes away th e urges to a degree.
    I am so glad to hear that your wife is slightly more open to you now. She may come around. But as you said. She's got a mountain of work to do to get over her issues. You can support her but you cant do the work for her.
    You seem to be on a good tangent, I hope you can reamin on that path. We need a certain amount of strength to survive this, endless depression isnt much help.

    All the best for another day
     

Share This Page