Bodhissatva's Journal: walking the path ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bodhissatva, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    So true. I spent last Sunday in a total haze. I had just glimpsed at some P in the morning and my mind was off in that zone, preventing me from enjoying the presence of my loved ones. I was not in the moment at all. Not really available to them.

    Right on again. I am revisiting my past with that in mind, it is very troubling to see the link, but also very enlightening.

    That is what I have been doing for the past few weeks. It does not work. I remember the first clean up I made on my computer. I had centralized all the P on one disk. All of a sudden, I was not afraid of my kids logging on my gear. But it was not enough. Deleting the stash is like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It is liberating. I feel like I just crossed a big milestone. But it is just the start ...
     
  2. Zed.

    Zed. Steady as she goes...

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hey Bodhisattva, great to read your posts and well done on deleting your porn stash - it's a big step and an absolute must! Let it go mate, like the weight it is.

    As far as I can see, this here reboot business is a spiralling kind of affair rather than a straight-ahead linear thing - relapses are par for the course for me, but each time I'm further away from the addiction than I was, and all time spent away from pmo is time well spent in comparison, so the moments open up into good healthy swathes of time eventually - or you may just steam in there and hit it out in one fell swoop.

    Whatever happens, you have it right there when you say that pmo takes us out of the present and, after all, that's all there really is...

    Good luck and best wishes to you.
     
  3. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I agree with Zed. Its a spiral and the past efforts all build to this one. What makes a difference this time is this community and YBOP.
     
  4. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Indeed. Yet so easy to forget. I keep reading this book "The Power of Now" to remind myself of that ... It helps, but I am finding out that I need also to act on it if I want any real results. Thank you Zed and mc2013bn for your encouragements. I feel better and this day will end up being a good one even if it started in disaster ...
     
  5. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Today, April 9th, 2013, is the last day you looked at porn. Welcome to your porn-free future.
     
  6. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Good man for being here and keeping fighting. Learn from the triggers and the whole process that drags you under. This rebooting does work. Sonner or later. The further you go the easier it gets. No bargaining is the key as you said yourself. Lean on the brothers here. They have a lot to give because they have received a lot themselves
     
  7. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Congrats on trashing the stash. I think that's a very important step. Both physically (no access) and symbolically ("I"m serious about this"). I got rid of an 800 GB stash. Meticulously curated. Did it day one, I knew I had to. It wasn't that tough for me because the info at YBOP pretty much just yanked me out of any illusions.

    I'm with you on this being tougher than imagined. But I think that's a sign that it really is a problem. The earlier post by imout sums it all up, zero looking. All my relapses were from looking at "safe" stuff and then getting carried away.

    I'm doing the same as you with the smaller goals. I've recognized a pattern where the 15-20 day mark seems to be the toughest. Aiming to get past that before I go on to the rest of the days. Keep posting, I know I do better when I am regular here.
     
  8. colimpool

    colimpool Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hello Bod

    your thread makes great reading. the best thing about the advice on this forum is that when it is given it is never forced. It is gentle advise. I love the fact that you have wiped your P history. On your terms. That is the important thing. We all have to find our way along and we are succeeding with each and every small step. Reading your post made me realise it is now over a month since i logged onto my pornsite of choice and the account is deleted after 28 days. i have tried to delete my account there so often over the last year or so but always crawled back before the 28 days were up.

    I wish you well, keep posting.
     
  9. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Still here. Yesterday night was tough. I was in a trigger-rich environment. I had had a few drinks, my wife was sleeping in the guest room because our mattress is hurting her back (reminds me we have to change the mattress, again).

    So here I was, alone in bed, watching the movie "The Avengers", drunk and still drinking. The guys that make these movies really, really know how to film a beautiful woman.

    I am happy to report that I did not reset the counter this morning. I am reading posts instead. Incredible stories with real heroes.

    Thank you for being here, guys, it means a lot to me.
     
  10. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Brilliant. Well done. I know the feeling. And to get past it is such a great thing. Helps me too knowing you are persevering. Thanks for posting.
     
  11. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hey mc2013bn, thanks for the encouragement. Funny thing this: helping myself by posting sometimes helps someone else in the process. To me, this is magical. This is the power of the community at YBR. Kindred spirits travelling alongside. Thanks to Gary and Marnia for starting it all.

    Just had a thought: I just figured out that the reboot won't solve anything for me. It is just the symptom.

    But it is absolutely essential, because I know in my heart it will make space and strength for me to deal with the real issues that keeps me locked down in this vicious circle.

    From my current perspective, I am married and I live with a woman that is toxic to me. We have two kids together. My wife has been depressive for about 10 years now. Always negative, no place at all for affection towards me or the kids (or herself, I suspect). It hurts me to see her like that. I cannot help, and I suffer along.

    I don't know what the end game is. I always thought about myself as a modern, liberal guy. I have now realized that the core of my value system is my family. I cannot even picture myself without the whole family together. But that means no affection and not sex from my partner in the near future. And without PMO, it means not sex life at all.

    I don't know how this will turn out, but I do know that whatever happens will happen because I am doing this.
     
  12. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Great to hear an I agree. It's like the opposite of a vicious cycle. I really believe expressing these thoughts is extremely helpful, and having a community of guys who know exactly what you are going through is a huge help. And as you mentioned, each one of us has a story that will help someone else coming to these forums.

    Glad to hear things are still on target!
     
  13. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    The magic of posting...i see that too.
    Sorry to hear about your home issues. Good man for sticking by your woman. But her depression isnt your problem. She needs to get on the journey to recovery too. You are doing it , why cant she. I have had depression myself. Its important in my opinion that people dealing with depression sufferers dont constantly make up for their short comings. Feeling pity and making allowances isnt helpful, it reinforces the situation of the depressed. Allows them to take the easy way out.
    Being tough on them (within reason of course) is important. To demand the affection and attention that YOU deserve is part of it. To let your kids suffer because you think you are to sick to care for them is selfish and narcissistic. Depressed people have to make the hard steps towards the light, for everyone's sake.
    I am sorry you have to bear the consequences.
     
  14. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hey Bodi, whats up, Hope you are well.
     
  15. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hey, imout. Thanks for dropping by. Felt like writing, than tried but couldn't. Too much stuff going on at the same time. But reading your ping encouraged me, so here I am.

    My grand-mother died a week and a half ago, and the burial was today. My mother, who was living with and caring for her, has had lung cancer for a year now. She is living on borrowed time. So lots of emotion, contradictory feelings : relief that my grand-mother, 94, left this world very peacefully at home and surrounded by love ones. Sadness to see her go. Relief that this weight is lifted from my mother's shoulder, worries that she will now let go ...

    And, in the midst of that, my wife who now tells me she wants to separate.

    I hope this doesn't read like a sob story. I'm surprisingly serene though it all. I am blessed in so many ways. I am not angry at my wife. I chose her. I am accepting everything as is. If we separate, so be it. If we somehow patch it and go forward, good too.

    I am thankful for those 6 days without PMO, because I know this would be much worst to live through if my mind was mush from PMO. I feel solid in my resolution. I know this storm will pass.

    Thank you for asking, imout. I needed to write all this.
     
  16. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    No such thing as a sob story here. It sounded like the marriage situation wasn't going so well, so I'm guessing you weren't surprised by that news. Still, I am sure it is rough and hope you weather it OK.
     
  17. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Just caught up on your journal. Tough situation that I could not completely comprehend being single, but I can empathize with depression and family stress. My father has Alzheimer's and I never got along with him, yet had to make sure he was taken care of though he fought me along the way. I am not going to get into the details of the stress I faced—which included dealing with siblings with a whole different live view—but what I want to share is that it is a helluva lot easier to deal with family stress without the dopamine roller coaster in PMO fantasyland. I believe your suspicion that "the reboot won't solve anything for you. It is just the symptom" is fairly accurate according to my experience. PMO medicating was the way to avoid the real life stuff that needed attending...for years. And speaking for myself, that stuff ain't no picnic. Until you are out of the vicious PMO cycle though, there isn't much incentive OR confidence to face real life matters. This is my challenge at this point in my journey. To take responsibility and an interest in my happiness. One of the biggest lessons I have learned so far is there really is no need to check out when the storms hit. It's the only way to build confidence.
     
  18. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    first of all Bodi, great to see you upright and PMO free. Too many guys have dropped off lately. I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. The wife leaving is unfortunately a recurring issue here. Sometimes its not the last word spoken and with time and healing some women seem to reconsider (like mine , well its shakey...) but one cant put too much hope into it ( like I did, like: obsessed). The reboot takes a lot out of you and we have to stay focused if we want a fighting chance.
    You sound stable and in control. Hope it wont sink in later and knock you. We are here to support you regardless.
     
  19. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Sorry about you and your wife. Take care of yourself!
     
  20. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Bodhi

    Very sorry to hear about your marriage. Like you the family is everything to me. I have had doubts about my marriage but I suspect a lot of the problems are PMO related (and the depression etc that comes from that). In your case it sounds much more serious. As you say doing this has to be the way to find out what to do.

    If you are like me and others here, PMO causes massive head confusion and in particular a kind of emotional wasteland. Its like wandering along the road and then after PMO suddenly in a foggy swamp and completely lost. All the normal sensory understanding of emotion and what I am currently feeling is gone. I go into a sort of auto-pilot which is locked onto a big cliff face straight ahead.

    So if you get anything like that then as you say its no way to handle wife issues. As real-rewards says we just don't have the confidence while doing PMO and the roller coaster ride. I am not qualified to speak but my gut would say leave off doing anything about this for at least the rest of the year after being PMO free. Again I don't know (and hope others who do can tell you here) but I suspect that once PMO free for a good while, you will have the self-connection to just know what to do and it wil come much more easily.

    It really is magical in this community isn't it.

    Stay strong and I am reminding myself too when I say this but: live, really live, today and the future will take care of itself.
     

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