Bodhissatva's Journal: walking the path ...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bodhissatva, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Hi Guys,

    I am finally starting for real. I tried a few times to quit without starting the journal, but I am now realizing that I will not be able to do it if I don't have the support of a group.

    This is my 3rd attempt at rebooting. Never managed to do more than 10 days. On of my biggest trigger is booze, so I am stopping this as well for my reboot. I am aiming for 21 days, then 90, than forever ...

    I am 45, I have a 2 great kids and a great wife, and I want to keep all of this. My family is the most precious thing to me, and I owe them my best. I am now at the point where I realize that my PMO addition is preventing me from being the parent and the husband I should be.

    Thank you all for this forum and the great inspiring posts. It is good to know some people actually 'get it' and it warms my heart to know you guys are out there, getting better one day at the time. It makes me believe in mankind again ...
  2. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Welcome here!

    It's important to have a substitute for alcohol and for PMO. What will you do when urges comming? Fruit or herb tea was a fine substitute for alcohol for me.

    Instead of PMOing I watched a lot of movies and Star Trek series in the beginning. And I started to write in forums. But you can also choose meditation or breathing techniques...

    Just try and discover the new real things.
  3. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Than you for the sound advice, youngoldie ... You really did put the finger on what made me fall the first times. I did not really have a plan for the urges else than working on a pet project of mine. But this is work, and I do need another way of enjoying myself.

    I will try the herbal tea as a substitute to booze, and I did have the plan of re-watching the entire Babylon 5 series, so I will set that in motion. I was planning on watching it with my oldest son ...

    I have always been meditating from time to time. I guess it is time to increase this ...

    Thanks again!
  4. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    thumbs up for making the right decision. Welcome here, this is a very supportive bunch.
    Resolve is what gets you through. NO PORN NEVER EVER. No M. sex with your wife is contested here but abstaing for a while and then infrequent for another while seems to be the way to go.
    If you have failed before, the urges and substitutes for them is one thing. The other is not to enter into any bargaining with yourself. There is no porn in your life anymore. Not a little bit , not a glimpse , not a little rewards for being a good boy, not a weeny weeny test to see if you get aroused.
    good luck, and strength. Its an amazing ride
    keep posting
  5. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Welcome friend, this is a wonderful community. Many great men here who will help you on this journey.
  6. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    hey Bodi, I see youve reset. Keep posting man, we are here for you and we are all in the same predicament. Relapses are something to learn from and not get upset about. Youve been PMOing for this long a few more days wont make a difference.
  7. alfalfa

    alfalfa Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Have you tried alcohol free beer? It has improved lots recently (the early stuff on the market was disgusting! :-D) and I feel it was a big help to me when I was off alcohol - same kind of taste, same feel of bottle in hand, etc - just minus the wooziness and the hangover! Great!

    Whenever I was going somewhere people were drinking, I'd just bring a few bottles. Pregnant ladies and nominated drivers are grateful if you give them a bottle as well. :)
  8. tonystark

    tonystark Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    My suggestion would be this, do a 10 day reboot, and at the time of breakout/relapse try and refrain from it at that time and dissappear for a week to some trekking spot and come right back. You would have very well crossed your sticking point and would be able to move forward past your psychological barrier of 10 days.
  9. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Well, I relapsed. I am not sure I have the balls to do this (pun intended). Thing is, I was unable to destroy my stash. I made it hard to reach, but I just can't bring myself to delete it all. I have spent years compiling up that stuff. 300 gigs of SELECTED porn. I mean every scene, every story, every graphic novel is specifically chosen according to what sets me off. I paid a lot of money for all this. And to think I will never, ever watch it again kills me. It shouldn't, but it does.

    PMO used to be my reward. If I cut that and booze, I feel I have nothing fun any more.

    My last relapse was because of a fight with my wife. This is another thing that kills me. She is a beautiful women, but she is just not into sex. There, I said it. We have been together for 15 years, and have had sex issue for the last 13 years (I kid you not).

    I am unable to be unfaithful to her. That is just not what I am. I won't cheat. Period. To me, PMO was my sex life. To kiss it goodbye is to abstain 'till I divorce. Or a miracle occurs. Don't get me wrong, I know that PMO was, in a way, cheating. But I know she doesn't care about that. She knows that it was the only way for me to stand not having sex.

    This is what I am hoping for: I give up PMO, somehow it helps us, then we start having sex more, and we discover other ways of enjoying each other (like Karezza) and we live happy ever after.

    What might really happen is that without PMO, I start looking around, make a man of myself and just divorce. I hope that will not happen, but I sure can't go on like this.

    I guess we'll see ...

    Thank you guys for your comments and being there ...
  10. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hello, Bodhi. I salute you for having the idea to quit porn. I think you have posed exactly the right question to yourself: Do you have the necessary will to do this? Are you ready to turn on your Full Force Inner Warrior? To become the Bold New Man that you must become? Are you ready to change everything in order to change your life?
  11. Arthur Redux

    Arthur Redux Guest

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Thank you for posting and telling about yourself, it's really very brave. I won't give you any advice, other than be strong, and do what you know is right :)
  12. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    good to see you are back. Stay here , no matter what you do in the short run. Kepp revealing your story, learn from others. Its gonna help.

    Your wife has a problem. This is seperate from your problem. She needs to work out what keeps her from having a decent sex life. Hey man, all the guys here are dealing with the fact that they lost libido and have ED. we are trying all we can to rebuilt a healthy sexlife. How about your wife. Is she going to be open enough to face her demons and work on them? Will she own up to whatever it is that holds her back. Will she have the will to work thru the pain of facing it and then work on herself? You are doing the rioght thing. you show courage and honesty. Will she.

    Man if i was you I would confront her with this. Its time for her to grow up and make the move to the next level.

    Look at all the poor suckers here who have been haunted by their wives until they finally face th e music and reboot. How about your wife?
  13. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    This is so true.

    So, day 6! I'm having erotic flashes. I'm resisting the urges, fighting back. I meditated a bit this morning, which helped.

    Imout: I read a big part of your journal and it did help me a lot to understand your advices. I appreciate your input, and I respect your path (and I think I want to learn Salsa dancing :). I was always drawn to dancing, but I was always more into Alternative Rock music. Hard to connect with a woman dancing on that. This would probably help me creatively and socially.

    Tough day : my wife won't give the positive attention my 8 years old requires, so he is acting up to get the negative attention he usually can get (easily). I step in, give him the positive attention he needs, he stops acting up and my wife hates me for succeeding where she failed. The usual.

    Anyway, I feel good, and I feel like I am walking on the right road ...
  14. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Maybe this reboot could be a time for you as a couple to scratch the scabs from some old issues and move a step towards the light. I sounds like your wife has some deep issues she better confront if she wants a good harmonious relationship with you and your son.

    You are moving away from the old stuffy self to a better place. Man you might eventually have the strength to crack those issues open. I wish you all the best on this path.
  15. imout

    imout Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    keep posting man.
    Dont worry about th e relapse , regroup. Something hasnt fallen into place yet, talk to us.
  16. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi, Boddhi. Okay. At this point, you definitely know the opponent we are dealing with. Are you ready to go for it? I mean, really go for it?

    Edited to change a question mark to a period.
  17. job

    job New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi, thanks for joining in with the journaling. It does help and all the guys here have great ideas to share.

    You really need to get rid of the stash, it's just going to tempt. It is difficult enough to reboot with no MO as it is--the MO brings many of the "scenes" and memories back to haunt you.

    Also, what if your kids or wife catch you at this stage ? You are promising yourself and your wife to become a new man.

    Finally, have you considered a 12 step program for AA or the P (SA). I am in SA and it is helping.
  18. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Hi Everyone,

    I reset the counter (yet again). No shame, really. Just annoyed at myself, but not the end of the world. I knew this would be tough, just didn't know how tough.

    A few things I learned:
    - Booze is not my main concern. I thought this was a major trigger, it's not.
    - Fights with my wife are the real trigger.
    - Fights with my wife will continue forever. She probably has what is called a "borderline personality disorder". This is not curable. You can maybe decrease the intensity of the crisis, but they will always occur.
    - Stopping PMO is tough. The slightest glimpse at P sends your mind in it.

    My goal is not to end PMO forever yet. It is to reboot for 90 days (starting at 21 to not get discouraged). I want to prove to myself I can do it. After that, I'll see what the effects are. I never had ED. It did take some time from me, but hardly enough to worry about it. I did feel some effects like lack of focus and all, but it does not affect my work enough to worry me.

    I have been in therapy for manic depression for about 17 years now. 17 years ago, I almost went nuts after a nervous breakdown (I was in a treatment centre for 3 week). Since then, I worked out a lot of issues, got married, started a family, started to raise 2 boys (8 & 13, the job is not done yet) and got a lot of success in my work. I feel good about who I became. I still see a great therapist every month, I have a good feel for my moods, I medicate when it is needed and I am doing pretty good.

    I have tremendous respect for the help I get here. At the same time, I want to find my own path. I might yet end up giving the same advice I am receiving to someone some day, but for now. I am experimenting to find my own way to be better.

    Thank you youngoldie, fcjl8, imout, bright_eyes, alfalfa, Arthur Redux and Tony Stark. I read all of your posts and some of your journals. You are the reason for me still posting ...
  19. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    I relapsed every 2-3 days for the past two weeks. I've had enough. I had another bad fight with my wife this morning, and I think it was because of my mind being all messed up with my PMO session last night.

    I really, really have had enough. I am currently destroying my stash. I can see the disk that used to contain all my porn being formatted as I am writing this. I am letting go of all my illusions, all my stupid fantasies. I want to live in the real world now, not in the porn industry's induced fantasy.

    It is done, now. I know it will be tough, my bonobo chimpanzee brain is mighty powerful, but I am really fighting it now.

    Let the rest of my life begin ...
  20. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Finally starting for real ...

    Good for you Bodhissatva. Really big move.

    Don't worry about having relapsed before. Me too. And still early days but it feels different this time for one big reason: having this forum to journal in and to chat to like minded men about all this stuff. Its brilliant. So much insight and wisdom from hard won experience.

    I agree with youngoldie, we need other activities to replace the PMO. Exercise is one that works. As simple as going for a walk.

    I get the wife fight trigger too. Its a big one for me. But I think things are better with her when I am off PMO. PMO makes me foogy, irritable and wanting out.

    You mentioned depression. I had clinical depression for years. After several long non PMO periods in the past I think PMO causes depression. I.e. what we use as a salve for depression is in fact the cause. Its circular. In my case there were childhood traumas that caused the original depression but it has been exacberated by the PMO as an adult. And having dealt with the childhood stuff through therapy etc I suspect most of the depression I get in recent years was PMO.

    Keep going. Like you I have a wife and 2 kids and really want to make this work. I know I can be a better dad and husband without PMO.

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