Better late than never ... i hope

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Matt2020, Apr 16, 2020.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    LOL :D

    This is awesome. I was addicted to sexting and online sex. It seems stupid now, but it kept the dopamine rolling out. I had to shut all that down and the great thing is that I don't even miss it.

    I've heard it said that we come through our parents, but we are not from our parents. Though we are equal parts DNA of mom and dad we are also connected to something before them. I absolutely do believe that ancient trauma can manifest within us - that a finger print of the original sin, if you will, can be imprinted on us somewhere, somehow. OMG, I feel a song coming on! :D

    This is super important. I always just wrote whatever I felt, trying my best not to edit my thoughts. Some posts I look back and think whoa! But, that was how I felt that particular day, at that moment.

    You're doing great!
     
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  2. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    A few years ago i ran into a guy from school. We were never really friends but remembered each other. Hes married with kids now and asked about my love life. I told him i had just split up and that i was gay. Unexpectedly he gave me a hug and said "Why didn't you tell anyone at school?".
    My reply was simply "because it was 1987!!". Different times!

    Seems far fetched but there could be something in that. I've read articles about genetic memories, people knowing things they've never learned so it figures that other factors such as trauma could be there too.

    Hey, i'm the one supposed to be into musicals! lol
     
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  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Preacher Joel Osteen said it's troo so it's trooo! Well, we all know that we carry genetic markers that can be carried down generation by generation; sometimes these are for fatal conditions. Psychologically it's different, but we've often heard "oh, he's just like his granddad, uncle, great aunt, that way." What if my granddad had multiple affairs. His wife knew of them but never said anything. Inside she was being eaten up, so she bestowed some of this anger/angst toward her kids, if even on a subtle level. The next generation would bear some kind of scar from the wife having repressed her feelings. And, on a different level, if a child is creative and has parents who aren't then this sets of a defacto confrontation, though on an unspoken level. I think a lot about that that kind of stuff, though my mantra is "move forward."

    Are you kidding me! I fucking love musicals! "I am what I am. I am my own special creation!" ha ha :D
     
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  4. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    I'm working from home during lockdown and its good to be kept occupied but i've noticed i'm feeling stressed some days by things that i'm sure wouldn't bother me normally. I thought it was effects of nofap but could just be this whole isolation weirdness. A coronacoaster of emotions!! lol

    Generally i'm doing good though, 3 weeks no PMO now which i never thought id get to and my aches/pains and lethargy are finally lifting so all good.
    Ive booked a couple of days off work next week and thinking of decorating my spare room which ive been putting off for a while.

    I was supposed to be seeing Back to the Future the musical this week but obviously cancelled. I'm gutted cos i don't think they will continue the run in Manchester when we get back to normal and instead move it to London. Good excuse for a weekend in London though i suppose!
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    They made that into a musical? Whoa, so cool. I go to NYC about 4 times a year and I always catch some theater. I fear for what will happen to all the artists and theaters if this pandemic shit goes on for much longer.

    This sounds good. Having a project is almost always uplifting.
     
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  6. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Day off today and im just taking a break from decorating.

    I really need to keep occupied as the last couple of days have probably been the toughest with regards urges. Ive found myself on Youtube a couple of times and although i haven't relapsed (didnt even get hard), i know its a slippery slope if im seeking out good looking people! lol
    I even typed the address of a P site into the browser Sunday night but thankfully the filter ive applied kicked in and I just closed the laptop.

    Im nearly a month clean, no PMO or MO so I dont want to cave now.
    My morning woods are strong and regular which is encouraging. Ive just got to leave it alone! :rolleyes:
     
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  7. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Not sure if its lock-down or no PMO but the benefits i noticed in the first few weeks seem to have reversed (or maybe ive just got used to a new default). The urges have been really strong this week and again i watched some youtube clips of hotties exercise workouts. I didn't MO but definitely felt some adjustment in my pants and stopped myself!! argh its not easy is it? o_O:(
     
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  8. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Member

    Hey man. Thanks for stopping by my thread. I'll be honest, I haven't explored the other age groups, but I wanted to see what your journal was all about so here I am.

    Anyway, thanks for your journal! It's a whole different set of circumstances than what I've gone through, but at the end of the day we're all in the same boat one way or another and I'd like to thank you for sharing. Welcome to the good grind of no-PMO. Stick with it through the depression since you know it's the loss of regular dopamine. I still get into "moods", like a 15 year old teenager again, from time to time due to the loss of dopamine up front/regular hits, but the feelings always lift in the end. I know that the end result is that my chemicals will rebalance where they need to be and life will be well again.
     
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  9. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thanks Battlesword1, I appreciate the kind words.

    I'm so glad I found this site. Indeed, we all have different stories but a common goal to be better men and improve our lives and its so helpful to read and share experiences.
     
  10. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Just checking in, not a great deal to update but i'm feeling good. Exercise seems to be kicking in and im noticing some toning of stomach and arms. Loooong way to go though but i'm feeling incentivised to keep with it.

    Ive got a beginners Spanish course im going to have a crack at, even if its just for some holiday basics.

    On the no PMO front im doing ok, havent slipped but noticed some fantasies of porn creeping into my head occasionally which i quickly dismiss.

    Morning woods seem pretty good and consistent. Ive not had a wet dream or even an erotic dream that others have talked about. Tbh, im not sure ive ever had a wet dream. Am i missing out?! lol
     
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  11. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Member

    Fantasies are what my main hurdle has been and continues to be. At first they were definitely porn fantasies, and now they are occasional fantasies about exes or people I know. I take it as a good sign when I shifted largely from fake to real people. Next step is to get rid of the real people fantasy too I guess?

    For you, the fantasy might be what takes a while to give out. Your brain wants that dopamine hit and is trying everything it can muster to give you the green light to get that dopamine release. Beat your brain!

    as for wet dreams. I had a few when I was a teenager and honestly, they were just mostly stressful. gotta do laundry, and you don't even remember what the fun part really was.
     
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  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It is impossible to stop those thoughts and fantasies to come up, but you're dealing well with it. Someone once gave it the term flash-fantasies. I found that quite helpful in the way to deal with it: they just come by, it is part of the process. And just as easy they come up, you can let them go.

    Suerte!
     
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  13. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thanks @Battlesword1 & @Gil79 , its good to know we all have these things happen.
    I'm not proud to say i went a little further last night and looked up a couple of porn stars twitter feeds. There were obviously explicit images and some gifs but I actually felt quite numb looking at them. It didnt so anything for me. I didnt PMO or MO at all so i'm taking it as a plus right now as the urge to look again just isnt there.
    I realise this will also come and go so i need to be aware and resist!!
     
  14. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

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  16. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    So my 36 day streak ended this morning as far as MO!
    No porn or fantasy was involved.

    When lock-down first started and before i found this site, i bought a Flesh Light thinking that it would be fun whilst i couldn't go out and meet anyone.
    I used it twice (whilst watching porn) and thought it was rubbish, very little sensation and i had to finish by hand.

    Fast forward 8 weeks and the last few days my PMO urge has been really strong, i even looked at a few porn stars twitter feeds but thankfully didn't act out.
    Last night i woke 4 times with the hardest erection I've had in a long long time. The 4th time was around 7am this morning, and I thought about the Flesh Light rather than turning to porn. So... I gave it a go purely on the physical sensation of it and not fantasies or visual stimulation.

    I don't want my comments here to act as a trigger to anyone but suffice to say the sensation in my penis was totally different to that of 8 weeks ago.

    So, my thoughts going forward are that porn is definitely a no no, and i'm going to strive even harder to avoid it at all costs.
    As for MO, well I'm back on the wagon but do feel it could be an occasional treat until i meet someone, so long as no Porn or fantasy is involved.

    Id appreciate your thoughts even if you think i'm fooling myself and its just a slippery slope.

    Thanks.

    PS. Ive not reset my counter but changed it to Days with no [wanking to] Porn
     
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    For me MO is a slippery slope, but I think if you don't have a partner it's a viable option, so long as you do it infrequently.

    Definitely no need to reset the counter. You're doing great. There is usually a rather intense chaser effect so beware of that.
     
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  18. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Member

    I also have a fleshlight, and I think I'd like to incorporate when without a partner one day. Maybe not yet. But curious if anyone thinks it even helps with the rewiring in any way?

    This is what you know I'm working towards. I take it the sensation was much higher? How long did you last? Was the erection good throughout?

    This was coming off a morning wood erection, so next step would be to do stimulation absent morning wood.

    Very curious to know what the after effects, if any, are? I've heard that there can be a lot of flatlining early on when this happens since the brain is now in some weird flux when its trying to figure out where to get dopamine releases from now.... @Guts is the guy I think I've seen who is still really active and would have some good insight here.

    The real key though here, and always will be, breaking the porn habit. Keep up the good work on that front!
     
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  19. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Not sure about helping but its a consistent pressure on the penis so no death grip.
    I guess it depends what your end goal is. For me its recovering from PIED but i am interested in the other benefits of no MO, like clearing brain fog and more energy / enthusiasm for life.

    Yes the sensation was much higher. I lasted about 10 minutes but felt i had control so could have gone longer. Erection was good throughout.

    Possibly a coincidence but something i did yesterday was bite my nails. I've always bitten them but didn't for the full 36 days and then last night noticed i was chewing my fingers again!! Other than that i felt fine yesterday but i would say there's a little brain fog this morning (but i wasn't totally clear of that anyway)

    Going forward i'll see how the next 10-14 days of no MO goes and then decide if its viable to MO in some way but as @Saville says, infrequently :)
     
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  20. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    lol I don't have much insight but I am interested on seeing what happens next for you Matt. Do you feel flatlined now?
     

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