Better late than never ... i hope

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Matt2020, Apr 16, 2020.

  1. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    So i'm starting my journal today after stalking the site for a week :), reading more than I've read in a long long time and watched so many nofap YouTube videos that i'm worried that might become my next addiction! lol
    With regards to this site I've been brought to tears reading others journals, but its tears of joy in most cases to realise i'm not alone and there's hope to get out of this fog I've blindly wandered into.

    I do though feel like i'm just starting a box set and you guys are all on later seasons so bear with me.
    For example, I'm currently only on Page 13 of Saville's journal (and wow, what an inspirational journal that is already). I'm also learning all the acronyms!

    I want to contribute and help around here, and know that i will need help too.
    Here's a bit about me and how i got here...

    I'm a 47 year old masculine gay man (I came out at age 24 and my first sexual experience was the same year)
    Ive been masturbating from as early as about 9 years old. I didnt realise at the time what it was and i didnt 'wank' as such. I would lie on my front with my hands between my legs and dry hump until i had this amazing feeling. There was no cum until puberty.

    Although looking back i was attracted to guys, it was only after watching a film about a gay swimmer when i was 15 that i thought 'holy shit', i think i might be gay. I continued to MO for years as the thoughts and feelings grew and I had a major crush on a friend at school who became the object of my MO.

    I came out in 1997 and even managed to get a boyfriend, things were going great but we only saw each other at the weekend so the week would be MO heavy.
    Porn was illegal in the UK until around 2000 but i found a company that sold bootleg videos so i ordered a few and boom, my fate was sealed.

    Fast forward to high speed internet and the PMO became almost a hobby.
    The first relationship ended (not due to PMO at that time) and i fell straight into another relationship but he didn't have the same sex drive (in fact we hardly had sex in all that time), so PMO just became my sex life.

    I know i could analyse why i pursued a sexless relationship and i could blame him but whats the point in that?

    The irony is he left me 4 years ago and cited our lack of sex as one of the reasons :confused:.
    This threw me further down the PMO spiral and onto dating and hookup apps.
    Im not into hookups at all but did meet a guy for a date that lead to the bedroom. I was devastated and embarrassed that my dick just wouldn't stay up. We tried again a couple of times and although i managed to do stuff it was hard work and no surprise there were no more dates.

    I convinced myself it must be performance anxiety and nerves whilst continuing to get my kicks with PMO.

    Although i never really felt shame or guilt around porn, i did decide to try and cut down watching so did a google search and came across, which led me here.

    So here i am, 6 days of no PMO which in itself is something id never have thought i could do.
    Hoping to get to 90 days and then take it from there.

    If you've read this far, thank you.
    Battlesword1 and -Luke- like this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro', welcome!

    There are a lot of pages to my journal, so kudos on making to page 15. lol This forum has personally been a huge help and I too was glad to find others like me. I recently had a crash after almost 4 years clean, but I'm back to no PMO, no MO. :) At 47 you are relatively young and have many years of sex to look forward if you can stay clean. The problem is always between our ears and not with our hardware.

    5 days clean is awesome!
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Welcome to the forum, Matt2020:)
    Keep posting, as we're all in this together....
    xmanss likes this.
  4. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thanks for the welcome guys and Saville, sorry to hear about the crash. I was tempted to jump forward on your (and others) journal but it will probably be more helpful for me to continue reading in order to see the progression and pitfalls. Ill try and read faster! lol

    Ive not found these first days too bad to be honest but i think the thought of a better future is spurring me on. I know there will be tough days ahead.
    Right now the only thing ive noticed is im waking really early around 4am and i would normally MO and go back to sleep. Now i just lay there trying to chill out and drift back off.
    Saville likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is what kept me going and then eventually PMO loses it's pull, so to speak. ;) I rewired my brain fairly effectively, so that when I did have my one dalliance it didn't last that long and I feel now like I'm right back on track.

    Keep on truckin'!
  6. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thanks Saville - yeah it would be great to get to that point where PMO just doesnt appeal anymore. I'm a week in now and only had a couple of very brief thoughts of it.

    I've read a lot about the testosterone hit you get after about a week. I do feel great today with lots of energy and this morning i was horny AF but resisted to MO which i'm really please about.

    Still doing plenty of reading about Neural Plasticity which i'm finding fascinating.

    Something happened earlier that really brought home how long my PMO has been a part of my life.
    I was going through some old messages on my phone, and, id messaged my first BF a few years ago just to see how he was doing and we got chatting about dating etc. (he's with someone now). I commented at the time that i thought i was on heat and he replied 'Weren't you always on heat 24/7'. The comment could have been taken as a real compliment but he followed it up with 'U had more porn when i met you than blockbuster had films' !!! At the time i laughed it off and never thought anything but now its like a crushing comment and one that has only enforced my resolve to beat this.

    Have a great weekend everyone :)
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    One thing we all have to learn is being more gentle with ourselves. It's OK to have made mistakes. We needn't take our inventory over and over again. Before we didn't have the tools to successfully navigate our emotional lives. Loving your resolve! :)
    Matt2020 likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome @Matt2020

    If only we knew how detrimental porn is when we started . . .
    Matt2020 and Saville like this.
  9. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Ive read loads of self help over the past few years and the recurring theme is 'love yourself'. I seem to have a problem with that and even understanding how to go about it but maybe all will become clear as i progress.

    I guess not being so hard on myself about the years of PMO is a start.

    Reading others journals there's talk of the Male / Female dynamic and i see the book No More Mr Nice Guy is a popular one.
    I obviously cant relate fully but i'm definitely a people pleaser and have been my whole life. This certainly comes from my parents and my mum in particular so its something else i can take a look at as i develop going forward.

    Im day 9 now and so far still going well.
    Ive had morning wood on about 4 days which i see as a good sign cos i never really had that before. Ive also started taking cold (well, very cool) showers so lets see how that goes.
  10. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Something i forgot to put in my first post that's worth recording is that on day 2 i deleted my 20+ year porn collection. Hundreds of videos gone in a bittersweet few seconds. I also got my provider to switch on porn filtering which, although not foolproof, will be a delaying tactic if i relapse.
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think the all relationships are closer than we sometimes think. We assume roles, roles based upon our childhood dynamic. No More Mr. Nice Guy (NMMNG) helped me a lot.

    Wow! What a great thing to do for yourself. Awesome!
    Matt2020 and Gil79 like this.
  12. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thanks @Saville - btw i'm at page 49 of your journal now! ;)
    I know many have said it but you do have a great writing skill - funny, informative, honest and moving all in one!

    When i started i wondered if doing no PMO during lock down was a crazy thing to do but i actually think its the best time. Im fortunate to be working from home and its keeping me occupied. Im single and feel some of the pressure is off with not having direct contact with others or thoughts of dating etc.

    I was never a daytime fapper so i'm not really getting urges until i go to bed and even more so when i wake around 5am.
    This morning the urge was strong so i got up, took the bedding off and turned my mattress over then put it back together. By the time i got back in bed it had passed.

    I'm feeling mentally quite alert but physically i'm fucked, my body aches, particularly back and across my shoulders. Is this a normal side effect, or just age? :eek:
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thanks, bro'! :)

    Yeah, it's actually an excellent time to go nofap. At some point we all need to reboot with a real person, but it's definitely good to get some distance from PMO before doing so.

    LOL...could be a combination. It's weird to think that we can be rather drastically affected by stopping PMO, but our dopamine system has been compromised the same as if we were doing crack. The fatigue and mental fog I at the beginning was staggering. So, body aches, I think that could easily be a symptom too. It's great that you feel mental clarity, though, and you can expect this to continue.
    Matt2020 likes this.
  14. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Happy Friday guys! It is Friday isnt it? All the days are merging into one at the moment.

    Ive had brain fog for years, ive tried allsorts, even bought a small can of oxygen once cos i read that would help! Ive had everything from vitamin supplements to a bracelet with magnets in but i now see it was most probably all the jacking off that was doing it the whole time. Oddly the fog has returned a little today and ive felt pretty exhausted too but i see its all part of the recovery process.
    Saville likes this.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Jacking off, and jacking off to P, definitely powers us down in significant ways. The first challenge, which you are doing great at, is stopping PMO. After that we start to feel the empty spaces within ourselves and it is this next challenge that makes our lives take on new meaning, as well as giving us more energy. We have to not be afraid of the rawness that inevitably comes to the fore once we are clean.

    It is totally a non-linear process. Yep, you're right, all part of the deal. :)
  16. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Woke today with very hard MW but i also felt like death, aching all over and so tired. Probably a good thing cos i just had no energy to do anything with the hard-on! LOL

    Ive been for a walk and feel a little better but the clarity and energy from last week has definitely gone for now.

    Im thinking what i can do going forward as i dont want this experience to be all about my sex life and finding a partner, it has be about enjoying a more vibrant life.
    I, and probably many others, always thought that losing the excitement of life was a normal process of growing older. That life grinds you down and it just happened.
    By that, im not saying im depressed but im just living kind of on autopilot.

    Id so love to feel excited about something again but i know i cant rush it, so its baby steps for now.
    Gil79 likes this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I coined a saying that maybe you read in my journal: Came for the boner, stayed for the enlightenment. If we stay away from PMO/MO there are no two ways about it, our equipment will heal. But, as you've already realized, we have to get to know ourselves again. Great job!
    Matt2020 and Gil79 like this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    These days are difficult, but it might be a helpful thought that this is part of the recovery. I am really convinced about it. I have been trough more cycles of abstinence and relapse and always there's the same pattern of physical exhaustion and heavy emotions. The worse you feel, the more intense the recovery is. Keep going :)
    Matt2020 likes this.
  19. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    and its a great saying too that hopefully applies to us all. I may have it tattoo'd :eek::D

    and hopefully successful too! lol

    I've felt better today, still a bit achy but more productive although irritable too so probably best i wasn't in the office.

    Been thinking about my potential triggers so that i can be aware if/when they arise.
    Recently i'd resort to P to ease feelings of rejection (usually from dating sites).
    I made a conscious decision in Feb to give up the sites, at least for a while and i felt better for it even though i was still using P at that time.
    Right now, because of lockdown, it makes no difference anyway and i have no plans to look at dating until after 90 days nofap at least.

    This then leads me to think about the feelings of rejection and abandonment that perhaps run deeper.
    I was brought up in a loving home, my parents are still together yet i often have dreams where i'm left alone or rejected.
    Where is that coming from? Surely its not so deeply ingrained in the fact i was always the last guy picked for football at school !! lol

    Maybe its feeling isolated when i was coming to terms with being gay. I purposely distanced myself from school friends as they got girlfriends and so lost touch with them and never really went out socialising between the age of 18 to 23.

    I don't mean it sound like 'poor me' or anything. I'm just 'typing out loud' i guess to try and make sense of what has brought me here.
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That makes a lot of sense to me. Probably for a long time (also before that) it was unsafe for you to express your feelings in a group with the fear of being rejected for it.
    Matt2020 likes this.

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