So i'm starting my journal today after stalking the site for a week , reading more than I've read in a long long time and watched so many nofap YouTube videos that i'm worried that might become my next addiction! lol With regards to this site I've been brought to tears reading others journals, but its tears of joy in most cases to realise i'm not alone and there's hope to get out of this fog I've blindly wandered into. I do though feel like i'm just starting a box set and you guys are all on later seasons so bear with me. For example, I'm currently only on Page 13 of Saville's journal (and wow, what an inspirational journal that is already). I'm also learning all the acronyms! I want to contribute and help around here, and know that i will need help too. Here's a bit about me and how i got here... I'm a 47 year old masculine gay man (I came out at age 24 and my first sexual experience was the same year) Ive been masturbating from as early as about 9 years old. I didnt realise at the time what it was and i didnt 'wank' as such. I would lie on my front with my hands between my legs and dry hump until i had this amazing feeling. There was no cum until puberty. Although looking back i was attracted to guys, it was only after watching a film about a gay swimmer when i was 15 that i thought 'holy shit', i think i might be gay. I continued to MO for years as the thoughts and feelings grew and I had a major crush on a friend at school who became the object of my MO. I came out in 1997 and even managed to get a boyfriend, things were going great but we only saw each other at the weekend so the week would be MO heavy. Porn was illegal in the UK until around 2000 but i found a company that sold bootleg videos so i ordered a few and boom, my fate was sealed. Fast forward to high speed internet and the PMO became almost a hobby. The first relationship ended (not due to PMO at that time) and i fell straight into another relationship but he didn't have the same sex drive (in fact we hardly had sex in all that time), so PMO just became my sex life. I know i could analyse why i pursued a sexless relationship and i could blame him but whats the point in that? The irony is he left me 4 years ago and cited our lack of sex as one of the reasons . This threw me further down the PMO spiral and onto dating and hookup apps. Im not into hookups at all but did meet a guy for a date that lead to the bedroom. I was devastated and embarrassed that my dick just wouldn't stay up. We tried again a couple of times and although i managed to do stuff it was hard work and no surprise there were no more dates. I convinced myself it must be performance anxiety and nerves whilst continuing to get my kicks with PMO. Although i never really felt shame or guilt around porn, i did decide to try and cut down watching so did a google search and came across YourBrainOnPorn.com, which led me here. So here i am, 6 days of no PMO which in itself is something id never have thought i could do. Hoping to get to 90 days and then take it from there. If you've read this far, thank you.