Being Accountable And Moving Forward

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by StoppingForGood, Dec 13, 2019.

  1. StoppingForGood

    StoppingForGood New Member

    Hey everyone.

    I’m new here. As with many of you are or were, I am addicted to pornography and am working to break that addiction however I can. Bear with me as I’m typing this out on mobile.

    I’ve only ever given half assed attempts at trying, always telling myself there wasn’t any chance I’d succeed or that masturbating was fine and that I’m not really hurting anyone, my girlfriend specifically. Truth is, as everyone here knows, I am. I am hurting myself, my girlfriend and probably a thousand others who don’t realize I sometimes don’t get things done due to this addiction and the paralysis it can sometimes put me in, preventing me from getting my work done on a timely basis.

    I’d reckon it very much started when I was 7 or 8 and found my dads pornography magazines under my parents bed. I remember sneaking up there over and over looking at the pictures, not really understanding what was going on in the pictures but knowing I liked what the pictures did to my body. It wasn’t before long that I ended up calling one of those numbers which is how my parents found out I found them.

    After finding them, I think it definitely made me more sexual. Nothing overt. I was never sneaking peeks at anyone in real life or anything close to that. I was always shy and not confident with girls growing up, but I’d be lying if I said sex wasn’t on my mind far more often than it should be for a kid. I remember taking my sisters Barbie dolls and undressing them and rubbing their “boobs” and “vaginas” pretty often.

    I learned how to masturbate soon after too, though I recall not doing it “right” at first, but still to completion, but my dick would be raw after usually. And I could do it to almost anything remotely sexual.

    I’m not sure when I discovered internet porn, but it was around the age of 12-14 for sure. Being a kid still, I remember being a bit grossed out by dicks, and cum and vaginal fluids so when I stumbled upon cartoon porn and even saw some characters I knew, it just seemed right to me, as if with a cartoon, there wasn’t any pressure or any of the gross feelings associated with real sex even though there was still fluids present.

    Regardless, finding cartoon porn absolutely warped my interests. I of course still found real women attractive, but given how shy I was and that I had bad acne, braces and all the boxes ticked for a nerdy kid, I knew my chances of being with a real girl were slim so I found comfort in 2D girls.

    All of this is to say that had I not found my dads pornography or internet porn or cartoon porn, I’d likely have been far less timid growing up about women than I found my male peers to be. I could never be friends with girls the way I wanted. I had girl friends growing up, but the more accurate term is probably acquaintances since I’d never really hang out with them outside of talking a bit at school. This is usually because I knew there was a sexual component that was always on my mind that made it hard to develop a normal friendly relationship.

    It wasn’t until I actually hooked up with a girl around 16 that I think I could step away a bit from pornography, but again, no lying, I would masturbate like crazy, many times till it legit hurt to finish.

    The thing is, this desire to orgasm, to masturbate, didn’t quite transfer to showing the opposite sex that attention as I knew where I could go to find “willing” women, the internet of course.

    This affects me to this day, only it has evolved into an even worse situation.

    In my college years, my then girlfriend and I went to different schools and eventually I could see she was slipping away. I knew it was because she was doing her own things without me, I actually expected she would cheat, even telling myself it happens to everyone who goes away to college where I stayed home and went. I was there the day she met the guy who she ended up cheating on me with down the line, which broke us up, but we were long overdue by then anyway.

    I could see it happening in front of me, her falling for this guy and me being the sexually obsessed ass I am, focused on that he must be better sexually than me since I still thought I was providing what a partner could from long distance, minus the physicality, so that had to be it. It wasn’t, but that’s what I focused on.

    In that obsession and frustration, the porn I looked at shifted to cheating. This whole story. I searched for porn where girls in relationships through away their loyalty for a better fuck, even though I know for a fact now that during our own relationship, they never actually did anything till the very end when there wasn’t any real reason not to. Nonetheless, it’s what I’d look for and it’s what I saw in both the pornography I watched and when I saw her.

    This was over 6 years ago and cheating porn still has its grip on me. I don’t know if it’s the feeling of inadequacy I feel from my actual experience or just the lust I perceive coming from these fake women in these fake scenarios that does it for me, but no other pornography does to the degree this category still does.

    I still prefer animated pornography and these days it’s even easier to find both cheating pornography and animated pornography so it’s just made my problem worse as I know I can find it almost anywhere.

    I’ve kept this addiction and history secret from my longtime girlfriend until recently she found out I was subscribed to a Patreon artist who focuses specifically on this type of animated pornography, so when I found it I couldn’t fight myself and subscribed. She found out and accused me of emotional cheating, of which she is right, whether these women existed or not. For me it’s not so much the woman in the videos but their actions, but as she and I have discussed, the women do matter a little, so however I try to logic myself away from it, I can’t rightly.

    Right now she’s fighting tooth and nail to find a reason to stay with me after hiding this for so long and essentially lying to her all these years. I don’t blame her. For as much as I want this to be someone else’s fault, it’s 100% mine. I hate myself for it, for not fighting harder, for not fighting harder for her, our life together, our families. It’s pathetic of me, embarrassing, dishonest and a slew of other words I don’t know probably because I was masturbating instead of being a better me.

    I’m literally about to throw away my entire life because I didn’t choose to fight this harder. My heart aches over this.

    I have no excuses. It’s time more me to stop. As much as I hate to say it, even if this doesn’t help my relationship and she leaves me, it is time for me to stop. Anything but is just pure selfishness and a failure as a man.

    I am posting here for one, to get this off my chest as I’ve literally never spoken to anyone about my history with this. For accountability on myself to continue posting here, especially when I am feeling weak. To show my own posts to my girlfriend to show her I am serious about doing all of this and that I will keep doing it as long as I need, even if forever. And for your random support. I’ll need every bit I can get which is why I also intend to read and share whatever else I can with others here if I believe I can help. You will all serve as an inspiration to me as I hope I can serve as an inspiration to you.

    Im sorry for writing a book, but this is the most important event in my life right now and I need to man up about it and be as honest as I possibly can be. I’ve shown my cards. The lying has to stop.

    If you’ve made it to the bottom, thank you for reading. Any advice is greatly appreciated and I’ll be diving head first into all the resources this website and others like it provide to do what I am setting out to like many of you before me. Thank you for being here.
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2019
  2. StoppingForGood

    StoppingForGood New Member

    Been a couple days since posting here last. It’s been both good and bad. A lot of introspection in the last few days.

    Today felt like two steps forward, one step back. The GF and I spooned this morning in bed after waking up and after not having much physical contact since my addiction came out, it was great to feel that connection again.

    After a lot of talking about sex related topics and what’s been missing from our relationship, we did the deed, which was also amazing as always, but ended a bit abruptly and unfortunately after it was my turn to climax and neither is of thought about how when I pulled out that I would jerk myself to full completion, more out of habit and to fully get the semen out of me than for the feeling of doing it with my hand as I would’ve been there already and having leftovers in the urethra is insanely uncomfortable as y’all likely know. Neither of us thought about it mid throes though and she ended up getting understandably upset.

    We’re going to try and use condoms or just let my ejaculatory system do it’s thing on its own and hope for the best next time.

    I’ve not seen a whole lot about rebooting and sex though. Is it bad to do both? I don’t plan on using my hand going forward until months down the line and we both feel it’s okay again to try. I’m sure it’s a case to case assessment of if you should do both or not. I don’t believe it will hinder my progress but I know many have been here before me who might be able to chime in.

    No real urges have been there yet, but I’ve been good about avoiding any triggers. I don’t have to option of reloading though if I want to keep my girlfriend in my life and subsequently her family and our dog so even if I do see a trigger of any sort, I have extra motivation not to do anything about it. I don’t feel like I can do anything about it with her other than vent though or else it might be using her which I do not want to do and I don’t want her to feel used or as a replacement for that in any way.

    I’m pretty scared about wet dreams too. I’ve already told her I’ll straight wake her up if I have them immediately so it doesn’t seem like I’m hiding anything.

    On the upside, she is loving how open and vulnerable I’ve been.

    That’s all for now! Thanks guys!
  3. StoppingForGood

    StoppingForGood New Member

    Kinda going through a shitty day today. I don’t feel in control of my life. Partly because of fighting this, but that’s only a small portion I think. Who knows. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to stopping myself from being successful. The drive just isn’t there today. I’ve literally sat in bed all day. Helped my dad with some tech stuff that he needed which felt good at least. Came home and went right back to my bed, but figured venting here at the least would help a little and it is. I feel like I’m just doing what others want me to do and it’s good things they want for me, but not exactly what I want. Looking at porn isn’t what I want to be specific here, just all the other things I suppose, I don’t know. Shit day I guess. Weathers cold. I’m tired. Don’t feel like eating and haven’t today. I want to go to the gym but I know I’ll get there with zero actual drive and just want to leave the whole time. If only I could get an ounce back of what I had a few months ago when I was going regularly. A bad day is a bad day. At least there’s plenty others out there who are having a good day. Good for them. Hopefully you folks here are too. /whineyrant
  4. StoppingForGood

    StoppingForGood New Member

    Having a tough time recently. I’ve been better than expected about my porn habit. I have bad days where I’m not confident at all in myself and on those days it’s very difficult if at all possible to have sex with the GF. Other days though, after stopping this problem in it’s tracks, I’ve never had stronger erections. It’s crazy how strong they really are. Sorry for the TMI but I always thought people we exaggerating when they talk about that aspect of stopping. There’s a huge difference for me though my GF doesn’t seem to notice as much but she’s not really into sex much which is both disappointing but also much my fault. It makes it difficult to want to continue when she gets so down about it on occasion. She’s been a champion through all of this but she has her bad days too which triggers my bad days all the time. She’s so beautiful, I wish she could see this isn’t her fault. That I didn’t start this because of her, but that she helps me get through it more than she knows. It’s rough because she has an unrealistic point of view, in my opinion, of how relationships work. Like I’m not supposed to be attracted to other women since I’m with her. Don’t get me wrong, I have zero interest in being with other women, but since day one, if I look at another woman, it’s insulting to her. Like somehow that whole part of being a man is supposed to shut off. She says she doesn’t find other men attractive compared to me but that’s a damn lie as far as I’m concerned. I’m a solid 6, maybe 7. She’s an easy 8 and could pull being a 10. I know other men are more attractive than me. It’s natural unfortunately for me but I’m good with it. I could do better myself to improve my number there but I’m not lying to myself about it. She does for some reason. I think it’s nuts and disrespectful. I’m far from the point though. In my addiction, I’ve fucked our relationship. She barely trusts me which again, I totally get but there’s just so much that you can tell she doesn’t like me doing. Instagram shows me women on the search page and despite me never actively searching them in any way, following literally gaming content and memes, that stuff is still interspersed in the search mildly so she is now questioning my use of that app. I just said fuck it and deleted it. I’m not doing it. I’m not going to have her second guess me every time I use it because of Instagram algorithms. It’s just not worth it. But of course in my deleting it she just got upset because of how I reacted to her getting upset. Cause I’m “trying to hide something.” When it’s just easier for me not to go on it at all. But she liked sending me memes and bonding over it. I did too but not by going through that shit. If I wanted I could find a billion other websites that show girls, but I don’t. I’ve been way better at this than I thought I could. It just seems like for nothing. Like I’m salvaging scraps of nothing. I’ve clearly hurt her, our relationship and whatever future we had. She shouldn’t walk in egg shells and neither should I. I’m very close to ending it for her sake. I hate that I wasted almost 7 years of her life, but that’s the reality. I should just end it. Pull the plug. It’ll hurt for a long time but I think it’s for the best. It’s mind numbing. My heart sinks writing it, but it feels like the right thing to do. I’ll sleep on it a bit longer but it’s a constant fight between feeling like I’m in a good place with myself but always in a state of repair with her and I which drags me down because of what I did. I don’t blame her for my doings. I think she has problems of her own with what she expects in relationships in general but ultimately it’s my doing man that fuck us over, every time. For as much as I’d be breaking up for me to avoid further issues, she’d benefit more in the long run mentally.
  5. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey man, I just started up here myself, and thank you for posting. I've definitely enjoyed my share of cartoon porn, especially gaming associated ones of games I didn't play, but knew about.

    So to me, it seems like you've got a couple of things simultaneously happening:
    1) struggling with your addiction porn, specifically the kind that takes you to a specific fantasy (either cartoon or cheating)
    2) struggling to understand what you need to get yourself on track relationship-wise

    The question is, will the gf support you through this process? You need to either be straight up honest with her about everything you've exposed yourself to (you don't have to show her) but get her to help you block it and keep you honest. Reactions like "you're hiding this from me" will make you feel shame, which causes a negative feedback loop, causing you to go look at the fantasy porn to escape the harsher reality. Thus her response is a negative influence on your getting better and healing.

    To me, I've considered the time of rebooting to be a time for self-reliance and self-reflection, without having a girlfriend along the way. Some guys can work the gf or wife/partner into the reboot, but for me, I hit PIED and therefor I'd just be disappointing her and to a larger extent myself. So I cut out the relationship part to focus on the reboot. The reboot is about purging your system, and having a female presence can in some cases cause extra angst or

    Not advocating you should break up. Only you know what you really need. Will a breakup lead to the ritualistic consumption of porn again? Does the negativity of the relationship drive you to porn again like the previous breakup? Is this part of a loss of self-esteem that led to the cheating porn (perhaps) in the first place?

    Rebooting and rewiring are fragile processes and triggers can come from unexpected places. If you feel shitty about the relationship, it might be time to strongly consider its value to you right now. If you get yourself to where you want to be in reboot/rewire, you'll meet another woman and be able to be fully committed to her and that relationship because you will have succeeded with yourself.

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