Hey everyone. I’m new here. As with many of you are or were, I am addicted to pornography and am working to break that addiction however I can. Bear with me as I’m typing this out on mobile. I’ve only ever given half assed attempts at trying, always telling myself there wasn’t any chance I’d succeed or that masturbating was fine and that I’m not really hurting anyone, my girlfriend specifically. Truth is, as everyone here knows, I am. I am hurting myself, my girlfriend and probably a thousand others who don’t realize I sometimes don’t get things done due to this addiction and the paralysis it can sometimes put me in, preventing me from getting my work done on a timely basis. I’d reckon it very much started when I was 7 or 8 and found my dads pornography magazines under my parents bed. I remember sneaking up there over and over looking at the pictures, not really understanding what was going on in the pictures but knowing I liked what the pictures did to my body. It wasn’t before long that I ended up calling one of those numbers which is how my parents found out I found them. After finding them, I think it definitely made me more sexual. Nothing overt. I was never sneaking peeks at anyone in real life or anything close to that. I was always shy and not confident with girls growing up, but I’d be lying if I said sex wasn’t on my mind far more often than it should be for a kid. I remember taking my sisters Barbie dolls and undressing them and rubbing their “boobs” and “vaginas” pretty often. I learned how to masturbate soon after too, though I recall not doing it “right” at first, but still to completion, but my dick would be raw after usually. And I could do it to almost anything remotely sexual. I’m not sure when I discovered internet porn, but it was around the age of 12-14 for sure. Being a kid still, I remember being a bit grossed out by dicks, and cum and vaginal fluids so when I stumbled upon cartoon porn and even saw some characters I knew, it just seemed right to me, as if with a cartoon, there wasn’t any pressure or any of the gross feelings associated with real sex even though there was still fluids present. Regardless, finding cartoon porn absolutely warped my interests. I of course still found real women attractive, but given how shy I was and that I had bad acne, braces and all the boxes ticked for a nerdy kid, I knew my chances of being with a real girl were slim so I found comfort in 2D girls. All of this is to say that had I not found my dads pornography or internet porn or cartoon porn, I’d likely have been far less timid growing up about women than I found my male peers to be. I could never be friends with girls the way I wanted. I had girl friends growing up, but the more accurate term is probably acquaintances since I’d never really hang out with them outside of talking a bit at school. This is usually because I knew there was a sexual component that was always on my mind that made it hard to develop a normal friendly relationship. It wasn’t until I actually hooked up with a girl around 16 that I think I could step away a bit from pornography, but again, no lying, I would masturbate like crazy, many times till it legit hurt to finish. The thing is, this desire to orgasm, to masturbate, didn’t quite transfer to showing the opposite sex that attention as I knew where I could go to find “willing” women, the internet of course. This affects me to this day, only it has evolved into an even worse situation. In my college years, my then girlfriend and I went to different schools and eventually I could see she was slipping away. I knew it was because she was doing her own things without me, I actually expected she would cheat, even telling myself it happens to everyone who goes away to college where I stayed home and went. I was there the day she met the guy who she ended up cheating on me with down the line, which broke us up, but we were long overdue by then anyway. I could see it happening in front of me, her falling for this guy and me being the sexually obsessed ass I am, focused on that he must be better sexually than me since I still thought I was providing what a partner could from long distance, minus the physicality, so that had to be it. It wasn’t, but that’s what I focused on. In that obsession and frustration, the porn I looked at shifted to cheating. This whole story. I searched for porn where girls in relationships through away their loyalty for a better fuck, even though I know for a fact now that during our own relationship, they never actually did anything till the very end when there wasn’t any real reason not to. Nonetheless, it’s what I’d look for and it’s what I saw in both the pornography I watched and when I saw her. This was over 6 years ago and cheating porn still has its grip on me. I don’t know if it’s the feeling of inadequacy I feel from my actual experience or just the lust I perceive coming from these fake women in these fake scenarios that does it for me, but no other pornography does to the degree this category still does. I still prefer animated pornography and these days it’s even easier to find both cheating pornography and animated pornography so it’s just made my problem worse as I know I can find it almost anywhere. I’ve kept this addiction and history secret from my longtime girlfriend until recently she found out I was subscribed to a Patreon artist who focuses specifically on this type of animated pornography, so when I found it I couldn’t fight myself and subscribed. She found out and accused me of emotional cheating, of which she is right, whether these women existed or not. For me it’s not so much the woman in the videos but their actions, but as she and I have discussed, the women do matter a little, so however I try to logic myself away from it, I can’t rightly. Right now she’s fighting tooth and nail to find a reason to stay with me after hiding this for so long and essentially lying to her all these years. I don’t blame her. For as much as I want this to be someone else’s fault, it’s 100% mine. I hate myself for it, for not fighting harder, for not fighting harder for her, our life together, our families. It’s pathetic of me, embarrassing, dishonest and a slew of other words I don’t know probably because I was masturbating instead of being a better me. I’m literally about to throw away my entire life because I didn’t choose to fight this harder. My heart aches over this. I have no excuses. It’s time more me to stop. As much as I hate to say it, even if this doesn’t help my relationship and she leaves me, it is time for me to stop. Anything but is just pure selfishness and a failure as a man. I am posting here for one, to get this off my chest as I’ve literally never spoken to anyone about my history with this. For accountability on myself to continue posting here, especially when I am feeling weak. To show my own posts to my girlfriend to show her I am serious about doing all of this and that I will keep doing it as long as I need, even if forever. And for your random support. I’ll need every bit I can get which is why I also intend to read and share whatever else I can with others here if I believe I can help. You will all serve as an inspiration to me as I hope I can serve as an inspiration to you. Im sorry for writing a book, but this is the most important event in my life right now and I need to man up about it and be as honest as I possibly can be. I’ve shown my cards. The lying has to stop. If you’ve made it to the bottom, thank you for reading. Any advice is greatly appreciated and I’ll be diving head first into all the resources this website and others like it provide to do what I am setting out to like many of you before me. Thank you for being here.