Beginning recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by macadon, Oct 12, 2021.

  1. macadon

    macadon New Member

    34 year old man, last watched hardcore pornography in December 2020. Since then, have substituted with soft stuff on youtube and erotic literature. Have edged frequently in the interim, but am clean as of two and a half weeks ago. I've made flailing attempts at rebooting and recovery before, but white-knuckled it, rather than actively changing my lifestyle and habits.

    My habit began at age 13, with VHS tapes of hardcore pornography. The habit intruded more and more on my life up until 17. I had a *brief break from it during my undergraduate years, but in graduate school (aged 22), I returned to it, this time on online tube sites, often for four hours at a time, twice a week, sometimes three times a week.

    I have enjoyed spells of sobriety ranging from 120 days up to 330 days, but have typically returned/relapsed to softcore clips.

    I believe it's important to be a member of a support community such as this one, where we embark on a collective journey to build our lives back up and to break bad habits.

    I also believe that reading the neuro-scientific literature on addiction and brain changes is important to put recovery into proper context and to fortify myself against the withdrawal symptoms that are sure to come--I'm in the midst of a flatline as I write this.

    I'll update this thread once a week to keep you all updated or if I have any questions.
     
  2. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hi Macadon,
    Welcome to YBR - you have definitely come to the right place. I have had this problem longer than you (I am from the old farts over 40 lot) and YBR has really helped me. Also I wanted to say I liked your post especially the bit about reading the neuro-scientific literature on addiction and brain changes. Any recommendations? All best,
    Old Tom
     
    macadon likes this.
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Welcome (back) Macadon. You've already made some good progress regarding hardcore porn. I hope for you that you can go the rest of the way as well.
     
    macadon likes this.
  4. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Thank you Tom, and additional thanks for reminding me to reread Tolkien:) Regarding neuroscience and literature around brain-changes, it's probably nothing you haven't heard before, but the chapter in "The Brain that changes itself" was very valuable, as was Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn". I am glad to hear that you're also fighting the good fight. God bless.
     
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  5. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Thank you, Luke for the kind words. I'll be checking in to this thread on a weekly basis to post updates.
     
  6. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Macadon! I will definitely check out your recommendations. Have a good weekend :)
     
  7. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Hi All,

    Writing to give an update on my week 3 progress: The chronic fatigue has disappeared and has been replaced by a reservoir of energy and a clear head. I am still flatlining, but feel good physically and mentally. I am able to focus on a task for two or three hours at a time and my mind wanders far less.

    The daily habit of journaling and monitoring progress is also a big help and it's interesting to view the highs and lows of recovery objectively and dispassionately. I will check back in next week, but thank you all for the support--god bless.

    There's a nice movie about addiction recovery: Michael Keaton's "Clean and Sober" from 1988.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  8. badger

    badger Active Member

    3 wks. is a very good streak. 3hrs for an old addict like me is a miracle. God bless you my brother.
     
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  9. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Badger—thank you for the support. If you ever want an accountability partner, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
     
  10. badger

    badger Active Member

    thank you, my brother
     
  11. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Checking in after a month of sobriety: this has been worth it so far, even through the low points. Running outdoors has helped a lot, and it provides an opportunity to be in communion with nature and to exert yourself physically.

    My focus for the next month is to cut back on recreational TV/youtube and replace it with reading. I feel brain-dead after an hour of TV, and it's an empty feeling. An occasional movie is one thing, one hour of TV a day is another. Also, I want to write more often on this forum, to encourage others in this group but also in the younger groups.

    God be with you all!
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Good stuff, brother! Don't be a stranger.
     
  13. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Week 5 of sobriety: experienced a hard flatline, still in the midst of it. Other than that, I feel clear-headed and have very little brain fog. Flatline is encouraging, in a way, a good indication that the brain is healing and sensations to simple things are being restored. The battle continues!
     
  14. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Week 6 complete: morning wood has returned for 4 days this week, and this is a big psychological benefit, because the brain is healing. I still feel extreme fatigue and drowsiness even after a full night of good sleep, but I anticipate this clearing up by end of this week. I am also anticipating another flatline, but until then, the fight continues! The battle is worth it!
     
    HeyRevolver! likes this.
  15. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    w/o a doubt, you´re progressing well. You are right, it will clear up! and yes the battle is! When who you are today, is not who you were yesterday,
    you´re already victorious (as far as I am concerned).
     
    macadon likes this.
  16. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Week 7 is complete and I’ve been overflowing with suppressed emotions, all suddenly rising to the surface. It was overwhelming for a while, and I wasn’t sure how to cope, but was able to reach out to someone and talk about it. That did me a lot of good, and the simple act of going out and talking to people is restorative and healing. The battle continues, my friends, through thick and thin!
     
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  17. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    A good time to clarify the past so it does not reappear and maintain addictive tendencies. Wishing you sustained strength to confront this, and continied happiness. Great job so far!
     
    macadon likes this.
  18. macadon

    macadon New Member

    Week 8 complete--extreme fatigue, slight flatline, tremendous sexual urges and no amount of sleep seems to restore me. This fatigue is clearing up now, but I've felt very tired all week and have been unproductive as a result. The climb up the mountain continues. This week was a 4/10 overall, down from last week.
     

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