Beginning Again Reboot Days 1 and 2

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by richmart, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. richmart

    richmart New Member

    Intro
    I am a 44-year old who has been married for 15 years. I have 3 kids with a 4th on the way. I have been masturbating regularly since junior high. My addiction took off when I finished graduate school and had access to my own computer in a private office for the first time. I have reached a point where I don't go a single day without using porn. I have been caught several times by my wife and have done severe damage to our marriage because of my unability to get free from this habit. I have made several sincere attempts to leave it behind me in the past but have really been able to make it a week without relapsing.

    I had a big fight with my wife the other night where she last her wedding ring and instead of being understanding I got angry with her for being mad at me for all of the weird feelings that the wedding had come to mean to me because of my past behavior.

    I decided that the only way that things are going to change in my marriage is for me to change and that isn't going to happen until I get rid of porn in my life. I'm clinging to the hope that I really will be a different and better person if I can just get through the reboot process. Here goes:

    Days #1 and 2
    Well I made it through Day 1. I have got to keep reminding myself that the only way that things are going to get better is if I will go through the reboot process. I also have to keep telling myself that it is worth it. I will not become a better person until I do this and I will like the better person that I become if I do it.

    It also is the only path to becoming the husband that I am capable of being and the father that I need to be. I have always rather crudely suggested that I just need to get my head out of my ass and that is really what this is. I have become a big jerk who doesn’t seem to care very much about other people. I have become a people who can’t focus on details and does very sloppy work without really caring.

    Very happy to have made it through day #2. Actually, it has been two relatively easy days without any real struggles or strong desire to do anything. I know that the time is coming and I will have to dig in my heels and simply choose to not give in. I am preparing myself for this.

    I did have a very real sexual dream last night and it has left me feeling a bit strange this morning. This is also to be expected. I'm guessing that the dreams will only get stronger.

    It's funny. I can't believe how much better I feel after only2 days without porn. I think this shows just how much shame is dragging me down. Two days without doing things that make me feel bad and I instantly feel better.
     
  2. CrazyGopher

    CrazyGopher Member

    Hey Now or never,

    I think it's great you decided to get this handled, for the sake of your marriage.

    Yes, you will definitely be different if you can get the porn out of your life. Not everyone notices the same changes, but most people seem to like the results if they stick with it for long enough.

    Keep up the good work! It will get easier as your number of days gets higher!

    -Gopher
     
  3. Prinster

    Prinster New Member

    Hi now or never
    It seems you have understod that changing your behaviour will enhance your life and loving relationship with your wife. Its great to see people get involved before its all to late. Good luck and stay strong, it's a difficult journey but it gets easier..........I'm told.
    Keep us all updated as it gives us strength to read others experiences and helps all of us beat this thing.
     
  4. richmart

    richmart New Member

    Thanks for the responses. I started off simply keeping a journal that would be just for me but decided to come back here to post it so that I could receive and give encouragement. I know that it will help a lot and I hope to be able to help others
     

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