Before the world collapse

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Kurkuror, Mar 23, 2020.

  1. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Urges are becoming stronger as Im close to 3 week mark. But as far Im manage to handle them quiet good. Of course dirty thoughs appear in my mind. I know they will always be there, but as I will progress in my streak, they will appear much rarer.
    3 years ago I was in point where only P occupied my mind. I was browsing it at work, and as soon I came back home I was jerking to P. Everything was blured by P.
    Its a long journey for me. I think I matured enought to finally quit for longer peroid. Hope it will give me other perspetive to look at my life. And if neccesary make some drastic changes.
    I always wanted to be a jedi. Im practicing moving objects with my force for 15 years. And that damm chair didnt even shake a bit. Maybe its time to leave my dreams and go to regular job.
     
  2. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Lots of anger today. One of thosse days when I would like to burn Rome or sth similiar. Without P I dont know how to relax. Im not in mood for hanging out with friends.
    Since beginning of this streak my mental gone worse. I cant focus on what im reading, its hard to push myself to do sth productive regarding normal job. I almost lost my nerves with one of clients. And I would like to punch my father in his face.
    As people say sometimes it has to worsen before it will get better.
    Not planning to stop now. Hope for better days.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    I CAN'T GET NO SLEEP
     
    positivef likes this.
  4. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Full moon.
    Iv seen on brogress reddit transformation of a guy who went from opiate addict to pro bodybuilder. He admitted that he swaped addiction to addiction.
    This week I did 4 powerlifting workouts and on other days I did lot of streching/cardio.
    Its better source of dopamine, but no matter how much I will lift it wont be enough to get me in better shape finnancialy and social wise.
    Just my thoughts. Its more of future concern.
    For now gym seems to be only way to get me free of P.
    Im wrote same shit at beginning of this journal.
    Cabt sleep again.
    Im near 3 weeks in.
    Worst thing about this insomia is that Im reading book for example. And I get to the moment when I feel super tired, eyes are closing by themselves. So I turn lights off and all of sudden not feeling sleepy at all.
    Cycle repeat when I grab a book of course.
    Also I realized that if would die soon I wont have much to recall. Its sad.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2020
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    I read tons of rebooting succes stories. U know motivation, drive, energy new grip on life.
    After I woke up I eat breakefast and then I was just lying in bed for 2 hours.
    Zero willpower, zero energy. Zero deasire even for some entertinment.
    How can I hope for better life if Im just laying and waiting for end.
    Still I have trust in reboot. Maybe I am just boring, lazy piece of shit and P addiction doest have nothing to it. But I wont find out the truth if I wont complete the reboot.
     
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    You may be experiencing some pretty severe depression. Surely P binges do not help, but I think sometimes depression can be unrelated. Getting out of a depression funk isn't easy. Therapy can be a solution but it's not always easy to find good therapy or afford it. If not, decent sleep, exercising, diet and staying off alcohol and drugs can help to maintain a minimal level of balance.
     
    positivef likes this.
  7. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Just finished workout.
    For sure I have many problems and obstacles in almost all fields. That all puts me down, paralyzing sometimes.
    But even despite of them, on some streaks I had some glimpses that showed me P have bad impact on me.
    Like laughting loud. Before I knew anything about YBOP i havent really been laughting like that while being sober.
    This is sth that sticked in my mind because I remember when my mom said - You dont laught and smile like when you were younger.
    That was probably 16 years ago!
    This was like flashback, after I laughted hard. Why I even remember that? It was in time where I moved out. Got my own room, PC, Internet, unlimited access to P.
    List is longer.
    I will post some in future.

    Im not stopping before 90
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2020
  8. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Day 21
    From sunday to monday slept only 3 hours. Monday i was able to get some sleep before midnight. Not interupted until morning.
    Now I have lot of free time in work. Wasting it mostly on mindless browsing web. But as soon I put my phone out. I feel this "electric waves" in back of my head.
    My brain is freeking out without stimulation.
    I wont beat myslef now for not working on side income, as it demand some focused work. Im currently aint able to do that.
    Im planning to devote my free time to some house work that should be done years ago. But never found time to do that.
    Also I need to take some long walk at some evening.
    It seems like good time for restarting my system.
    Urges are attacking me from time to time. Dont want to write much about it. As you guys know their faces exactlly.
    Im super convinced that Im on right track. In order to achieve anything I first have to overcome my biggest distractor.
    Maybe its to early too say that. But last two days I see improvement in how I talk with either clients of coworkers. They reason for this is simple. Im now genuinely intrested in what they talk to me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2020
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    I was super convinced... 4 hours ago. Now I dont know. Should I just jerk off or go to prostitutes? Jerking my escalate to P binge.
    But is this even healthy. I feel like burning inside. Ist it just because im super horny? All that sleep problems.
    Do normal people go that long without busting?
    Is here any blog of someone who compled hard mode reboot? Need some guidance.
     
  10. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Almost 4 a.m. After work I did lot of squats and deadlifting. Most exhausting workout of a week. I should sleep like a baby now.
    I dont feel any urges to P or M.
    Read some journals. But they didnt cleared my outlook on M.
    Diffrent people diffrent problems.
    I look like a man but Im just little boy lost in the forest. And no one is searching for me. Despite having family, GF or wife we are always alone.
     
  11. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Iv slept literally one hour. Havent eaten anything yet.
    I dont feel tired, I dont feel hungry. Its weird to say at least.
    My P consumption was always overdosed. When I saw first hardcore porn. I watched it 3 times in row. It was full lenght "cinematic" movie. Meantime i was edging all that time. Not sure how old I was then. Too young for sure.
    Hardcore addiction, hardcore withdraw.
    I have same symptoms on each streak.
    Its hard to believe that P could fuck me soo much. But it may be truth.
    Im calm today.
     
  12. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Yesterday was toughtest day so far. I couldnt sleep almost to midnight. After work I tried to eat some oat flakes but they tasted like shit.
    Iv drunk 2 beers and played some game. Beers also tasted like shit. Didnt enjoy playing. My teammates wished me death because of my performance.
    Today im fine.
    Time to get my ass together. Carry on with reboot. I want see whats on the other side. I havent been there for long time.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2020
  13. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Still clean.
    I'v been thinking a lot. And I dont know nothing. Hoped that getting rid of PMO will give me some clearer view but so far its exactly opposite.
    All my endeavours, beliefs. Dont know now whats is true, whats false, what is worth, whats not.
    I'm affraid that im looking for guidance in strange places. Fell vulnurable. Dont want to get brainwashed by some false prophets.
     
  14. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Day 26 (?)
    Last few days I dont feel any urges at all. Still having issues with falling asleep. But waking up seems easier.
    Sunday is only day in week when I can sleep as much as I want. So it was common for me to waste half of it by sleeping.
    Today I woke up at same time that I would at working days. From lack of better ideas I went to gym.
    I have my own home gym. Enough equipment to do everything I need.
    I always play music loud when I workout. Today I switched it off after 10 minutes and continued training in silence. Next time I plan to listen some podcast while working out. Instead of raping same songs over and over.

    Still not sure where Im heading to. But I see slow changes. And I want to change myself.

    One more thing. Today is 25 anniversary of Bosnia Srebrenica Massacre. I live in eastern europe not far away from balkans. I was there on holidays.
    Sure everybody have their problems smaller or bigger. But reading about kids and girls who was raped and slaughtered can change our perspective.
    Have a good day.
    Live and let others live.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2020
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Earlier today I was about to write post- how unusual to me is to not think about sex and being aroused for few days straight. But now its outdated. As I just was woke up by huge urge. With dirtiest fantasies.
    It was not so hard to deny tempations. I just said No.
    I will repeat this over and over. I need to go at least 90 days clean. This may help me.
    Beside that i struggle with fantasizing to much. Not sex related. Im developing strange stories in my head. Mental masturbation.
     
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  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Yep keep going. Stay strong and don't think too much about it.
     
  17. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    This week flew so fast. Work, workouts, eating, sleeping.
    Fuck. My life flew so fast.
    Fuck. Im old.
    I wont be any younger soon.
    Life is mostly grey and dull. But there are some sunny moments. Need to keep in mind to enjoy them as much as I can.
     
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    It’s great to read your journal and to start seeing change. From al lot of self hate to someone who shows great self love in his actions. You go through some bad stuff and still you hang in there by staying away from pmo. That inspires me man! To read about the sunny moments is great as well.

    Hope your sleep got better. I’ve been having a tough time sleeping as well these last couple of weeks.

    Hang in there! You’re on the right track.
     
  19. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Thanks for kind words.
    I woke up similiar like last week. Even though I felt asleep late night. Urges went aside. They are with me but they are minor. Comparing to feelings that are bubbling to the surface. I wrote long post about it but some error ocurred and I lost it. I will touch on it later.
    I still want to kill myself. But I wont jump off the roof. This will be long and slow process. Changing my thoughts, habits. I plan to reborn as Kurkuror 2.0.
    Porn is hard drug for me. Theres no way for better performance when you get high everyday. I know that getting rid of it wont make my life easier. Opposite. It will be harder.
    I cant hide from my flaws, lacks, fears. I need to face them.
     
    positivef likes this.
  20. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It won't make life easier but it will make your goals nearer. Congrats on coming this far.
     

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