Before the world collapse

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Kurkuror, Mar 23, 2020.

  1. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    Im 33 and just want to start little reboot journal. Mostly for myself. So none introduction or background at least for now.
    Currently day 8. Withdrawl symptoms similiar to what I dealt earlier when tried to quit - but failed.
    Now I got that advantage that Im sure that Im seriously addicted. Before I was doubting whole No PMO and that porn have any significant impact on my mental state.
    I dont have any expectations. Just want to get rid of it. Even if its not harming me as much as I believe. Its not helping for sure in any way.
    Back to withdrawl. 2 days ago sleepless night. Same thing last night. Now Im tired as hell but already know that I will have trouble with falling asleep.
    Also I felt thosse sensations in back of my head. Its either like some electric waves going thru my brain or sth fractures there. Sounds like a nut. Dunno if Im using right words to describe it.
    Not many urges as far. But Ive been here. I know they can hide and stay in silence for a while. And when they come they are loud.
     
  2. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    As day 8 coming to an end, and as predicted I couldnt sleep almost at all, time for summary. I can honestly say that I did shit today. Almost no work in regular job. Read book for maybe 40 minutes. One hour of studying. But not very proud of my focus. I had all day should done much more. Ok i had this excuse that i was sleepy. But It happenss to me too frequently. Problems with sleep are amplified by nopmo. Im loosing to much time. And the world already outrun me by years.
    Main reason while Im trying to reboot.
    Is that all my life Im pursuing something but never achieved any significant result. I could say that I really hope that porn is the thing that holds me back. Sabotaging my efforts. If reboot wont help at all I will have propably argue that Im just dumb loser. Technically I am but i got excuse that it is because of porn. Maybe this holds me back from rebooting? Maybe I wont like to lose my excuses. So that I will meet "true" me and I wont be happy about him.
    Moral of the story - no more excuses. No more escaping. I cant do it all life.
    I cant keep delaying it forever. It needs to be done even if its already too late.
    One thing that I can be happy about is keeping diet well for 2 months now. Last year was also good in that terms. Slipped off only in january this year. But it was extreme and cost me too much. In 3 weeks I blow off like 2 months of almost strict diet and workouts. Cant let it happen again.
    Hope this journal will help me not to make same mistakes over and over again. It also feels good to write my thoughts. Might help with diging deeper into my actions, thoughts and feelings.
    Overall the boat is sinking but we are still singing.
     
  3. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    Sleept only 4,5 hour. Clearly it aint normal that Im freaking out by abstaining for only few days. Another reminder that addiction is serious.
     
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Well done on taking the first steps. Withdrawal symptoms are hard and used to immediately cause me to relapse. However, as I've experienced them so many time now, I know that they're a signal that something better is round the corner.

    I've had the sleep issue also. Thing I find hard sometimes, is what to do with that extra time in the morning. It's even harder now with Covid-19 as the options are less.
    Hopefully you can find something to occupy yourself while dealing with withdrawal, that is key.
     
  5. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    I was just browsing forum and reconized its pretty dead. Success stories with just one post and then no later response are annoying.
    So Im suprised by our post. Thanks.
    I have problem with falling asleep. Not really waking up earlier. I was late to work today but its not any deal as we dont have much to do due to Covid.
    I realized I might get into trouble because of withdrawl. It was around year ago when I got 2 weeks clean. I felt and looked seriously sick. I knew that was withdrawl but my coworkers and friends advised me going to doctor.
     
  6. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    Day 10 was as far best day on this reboot. I finally was able to sleep around 8 hours. Had good mood and energy. After work i went straight to lift some weights. I enjoy gym, noticing progress, feeling healthier, looking better. But it also have dowsides - burning lot of energy, taking some time. Sometimes I think that gym is something that I love but I will have to sacrifice it in order to do what I really need to focus right now. Earning money unfortunetly.
    Funny that I even have thoughts like that. When just 14 days ago I had 3 days of binge. All my free time wasted fapping to porn. I mean ALL. Went from work eat sth and then marathon to late night.
    That was my current stage week clean 2-3 days hard binge.
    THAT WAS! Need to remind it to myself.
    Worth noticing that along with better mood some minor urges creeped in. Immediately after reconising that my thoughst are heading in wrong area I went to my PC and wrote emails that I had to today. Killed urges in the beginning.
    I think it is better to fight with urges with sth that need our attention/focus, sth more mental demanding rather than absently browsing social media or funny cats on youtube. The hardest point Is acctually to start sth that we not fully want to.
    I write a lot nowdays. On diffrent reddits, some serious ones and some looser topics, here also and on other forums. I write from smartphone mostly. Found It good way to get my brain busy. It migh also help me improve my english. So not concerning it as wast of time. But as I write this post I should already be sleeping so at this point I will cut that bullshit.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
  7. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    Night was tough. Felt asleep fast but woke up after just 3 hours. Not sure if it was my dog who woke me or urges solely. My heart beated faster. In last days my dick seems to be lazy. Maybe he dont know what to do with himself without porn. That urge was more into looking at porn than physical one. I was able to withstand them. By there was moment when i grabbed my phone and started browsing net and it was heading dangerous zones.
    Glad that I was able to reconize what Im trying to find detour.
    Lets say that I was counciously searching for non sexual content. But subcounciously I knew I might find sth sexual there.
     
  8. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know how that goes:confused: sometimes we fool ourselves
     
  9. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    Day 0

    What can I say. You know how it goes. As soon as I felt better I relapsed.
    Aint no sunshine in my life for a long time. Global meltdow after pandemia probably wont help much.
    But porn is aint a solution. I know that reboot wont fix all my problems. But I feel I should do it. So why Im constantly relapsing?!
    For long time sth is fucking me up. I took selfie today. I hate my photos. My face expression is always so dull. It wasnt always like that. I eat clean workout, take vits, spend lot of money on "life changing" crap supplements, herbs...
    There must be some way out of here.
    Lets start from what is most important - clearning my mind.
     
  10. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror New Member

    Day 1
    I felt good when woke up. Yesterday before sleep made a list of what to do.
    Done everything.
    Still I feel its not enough. But not sure if ever I would be able to do enough to got out of that shithole.
    Solution for now is stick to the plan. As I dont have better plan.
     

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