Before the world collapse

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Kurkuror, Mar 23, 2020.

  1. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Im 33 and just want to start little reboot journal. Mostly for myself. So none introduction or background at least for now.
    Currently day 8. Withdrawl symptoms similiar to what I dealt earlier when tried to quit - but failed.
    Now I got that advantage that Im sure that Im seriously addicted. Before I was doubting whole No PMO and that porn have any significant impact on my mental state.
    I dont have any expectations. Just want to get rid of it. Even if its not harming me as much as I believe. Its not helping for sure in any way.
    Back to withdrawl. 2 days ago sleepless night. Same thing last night. Now Im tired as hell but already know that I will have trouble with falling asleep.
    Also I felt thosse sensations in back of my head. Its either like some electric waves going thru my brain or sth fractures there. Sounds like a nut. Dunno if Im using right words to describe it.
    Not many urges as far. But Ive been here. I know they can hide and stay in silence for a while. And when they come they are loud.
     
  2. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    As day 8 coming to an end, and as predicted I couldnt sleep almost at all, time for summary. I can honestly say that I did shit today. Almost no work in regular job. Read book for maybe 40 minutes. One hour of studying. But not very proud of my focus. I had all day should done much more. Ok i had this excuse that i was sleepy. But It happenss to me too frequently. Problems with sleep are amplified by nopmo. Im loosing to much time. And the world already outrun me by years.
    Main reason while Im trying to reboot.
    Is that all my life Im pursuing something but never achieved any significant result. I could say that I really hope that porn is the thing that holds me back. Sabotaging my efforts. If reboot wont help at all I will have propably argue that Im just dumb loser. Technically I am but i got excuse that it is because of porn. Maybe this holds me back from rebooting? Maybe I wont like to lose my excuses. So that I will meet "true" me and I wont be happy about him.
    Moral of the story - no more excuses. No more escaping. I cant do it all life.
    I cant keep delaying it forever. It needs to be done even if its already too late.
    One thing that I can be happy about is keeping diet well for 2 months now. Last year was also good in that terms. Slipped off only in january this year. But it was extreme and cost me too much. In 3 weeks I blow off like 2 months of almost strict diet and workouts. Cant let it happen again.
    Hope this journal will help me not to make same mistakes over and over again. It also feels good to write my thoughts. Might help with diging deeper into my actions, thoughts and feelings.
    Overall the boat is sinking but we are still singing.
     
  3. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Sleept only 4,5 hour. Clearly it aint normal that Im freaking out by abstaining for only few days. Another reminder that addiction is serious.
     
  4. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    Well done on taking the first steps. Withdrawal symptoms are hard and used to immediately cause me to relapse. However, as I've experienced them so many time now, I know that they're a signal that something better is round the corner.

    I've had the sleep issue also. Thing I find hard sometimes, is what to do with that extra time in the morning. It's even harder now with Covid-19 as the options are less.
    Hopefully you can find something to occupy yourself while dealing with withdrawal, that is key.
     
  5. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    I was just browsing forum and reconized its pretty dead. Success stories with just one post and then no later response are annoying.
    So Im suprised by our post. Thanks.
    I have problem with falling asleep. Not really waking up earlier. I was late to work today but its not any deal as we dont have much to do due to Covid.
    I realized I might get into trouble because of withdrawl. It was around year ago when I got 2 weeks clean. I felt and looked seriously sick. I knew that was withdrawl but my coworkers and friends advised me going to doctor.
     
  6. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Day 10 was as far best day on this reboot. I finally was able to sleep around 8 hours. Had good mood and energy. After work i went straight to lift some weights. I enjoy gym, noticing progress, feeling healthier, looking better. But it also have dowsides - burning lot of energy, taking some time. Sometimes I think that gym is something that I love but I will have to sacrifice it in order to do what I really need to focus right now. Earning money unfortunetly.
    Funny that I even have thoughts like that. When just 14 days ago I had 3 days of binge. All my free time wasted fapping to porn. I mean ALL. Went from work eat sth and then marathon to late night.
    That was my current stage week clean 2-3 days hard binge.
    THAT WAS! Need to remind it to myself.
    Worth noticing that along with better mood some minor urges creeped in. Immediately after reconising that my thoughst are heading in wrong area I went to my PC and wrote emails that I had to today. Killed urges in the beginning.
    I think it is better to fight with urges with sth that need our attention/focus, sth more mental demanding rather than absently browsing social media or funny cats on youtube. The hardest point Is acctually to start sth that we not fully want to.
    I write a lot nowdays. On diffrent reddits, some serious ones and some looser topics, here also and on other forums. I write from smartphone mostly. Found It good way to get my brain busy. It migh also help me improve my english. So not concerning it as wast of time. But as I write this post I should already be sleeping so at this point I will cut that bullshit.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2020
  7. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Night was tough. Felt asleep fast but woke up after just 3 hours. Not sure if it was my dog who woke me or urges solely. My heart beated faster. In last days my dick seems to be lazy. Maybe he dont know what to do with himself without porn. That urge was more into looking at porn than physical one. I was able to withstand them. By there was moment when i grabbed my phone and started browsing net and it was heading dangerous zones.
    Glad that I was able to reconize what Im trying to find detour.
    Lets say that I was counciously searching for non sexual content. But subcounciously I knew I might find sth sexual there.
     
  8. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know how that goes:confused: sometimes we fool ourselves
     
  9. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Day 0

    What can I say. You know how it goes. As soon as I felt better I relapsed.
    Aint no sunshine in my life for a long time. Global meltdow after pandemia probably wont help much.
    But porn is aint a solution. I know that reboot wont fix all my problems. But I feel I should do it. So why Im constantly relapsing?!
    For long time sth is fucking me up. I took selfie today. I hate my photos. My face expression is always so dull. It wasnt always like that. I eat clean workout, take vits, spend lot of money on "life changing" crap supplements, herbs...
    There must be some way out of here.
    Lets start from what is most important - clearning my mind.
     
  10. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Day 1
    I felt good when woke up. Yesterday before sleep made a list of what to do.
    Done everything.
    Still I feel its not enough. But not sure if ever I would be able to do enough to got out of that shithole.
    Solution for now is stick to the plan. As I dont have better plan.
     
  11. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Day 7 I guess
    After hard binge im here again.
    Today I was crying on my knees. Suicidal thoughts become stronger each time Im trying to reboot. Easy way out of problems.
    I cant leave my sister alone. At least for now. Hanging myself have to wait. But its so tempting.
    Strange shit. I was thinking about my problems and trying to figure out some solution. What if it wont work? - I asked myself and rapidly answered - I will just hang myself. And it made me calm.
     
  12. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Kurkuror

    I'm sorry to hear that you suffer from suicidal ideation. If it's any consolation, you aren't alone. I myself have suffered from it for many years.

    A little over two years ago, I really felt like I hit rock bottom and earnestly considered ending my own life. Not just because of this addiction, but it definitely added to the problem. I got myself to look up where the nearest gun store was, started to prepare a bit for the firearm safety certificate, thought about the best way to do it so that I would inconvenience as few people as possible, etc. I was near the threshold and reminded myself if I actually started taking the next steps, I wouldn't turn back.

    So I collected myself and tried to look at my life from a pure problem-solving perspective. As an engineering problem of sorts. Many aspects of my life would have to fundamentally change at their core, the process would take a considerable amount of time, there would be plenty of mistakes and setbacks, and I'd probably not notice the effects of my improved lifestyle for quite some time. But the only other option to that was a one-way ticket down the dark precipice leading to my final destination. So I chose the problem-solving route. And I'm still here. I have plenty of issues, but things have slowly gotten better. To be honest, life still feels crappy overall, but it is comparatively better. And for that, I am grateful.

    I usually try to avoid talking about macabre topics like this, and I don't believe I've done so on this forum or Reboot Nation, but if you are considering ending your own life, I just wanted to stop by and say I sympathize, but that I also know there is a way out. I could've ended it all as someone who felt broken, alone, hopeless and empty. But I'm still alive, doing what I can each day to appreciate the gift of life that each new day brings, and embracing whatever pain and suffering comes with that.

    This is written at the bottom of YBR's main page, and I really hope you consider it before you consider suicide: "If you have suicidal or violent thoughts, immediately contact a crisis hotline and your local authorities."

    If this post comes across as a bit heavy, and you were just venting your feelings, then I apologize. I just want you to know that yours is a unique life worth living. It'd be such a waste for you to end it.
     
    BoughtWithBlood, Boxer17 and Gil79 like this.
  13. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Thx for post.
    Sorry that you have to read that macabre. I was really low that day.
    Life is hard most of the time unfortunately. Im still fighting. But it feels like hitting the wall with bare hands.
    I dont know what I wanna say.
    For the rebbot record:
    Last few days im constantly hear those scratches in back of my head.
    And overall I think
    Im one big mistake. Spinning wheels in same place for years.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Kurkuror

    Please don’t apologize. I really can sympathize with a lot of what you wrote in your last post.

    One thing that was indispensable for me was establishing a baseline for myself that I could then use as a point of comparison to check any future improvements (or setbacks) against. I didn’t compare myself to others. I just looked at the older versions of myself. Getting better at keeping consistent records that have quantitative and/or qualitative data about yourself can be helpful as well, because they allow one to see their improvements and setbacks from a more objective standpoint, and this can really help when we’re lost in our own roiling sea of subjectivity.

    Wishing you the best with all you’re struggling with.

    Take care
     
  15. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Again. Last night urges woke me up. After just 1-2 hours of sleep. I managed to survive in job somehow. But how long can I go like that? My health and performance suffer a lot.
    I read about guys who are flatlining for a year, and then they relapse.
    Should I masturbate? I dont have urges to do so now. Planned to go that 90 days hardmode...
    Ahh as im writing this I want to do 90 days.
    I will do it this time.
    Already went through 10 hard days.
    Just hope my sleep cycle next week will be more stable.
     
  16. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Insomnia dont want to let me go still. But during the last two days I felt better overall. Much calmer, better appetite. Today I ate shit load of food. Maybe its part of healing process. I would like to weight 5-7 kg more. When I was younger 20-27 my weight always fluctuated above 80 kg. Nowdays im 75-77kg. I got physically demanding job. Its harder to gain some pounds.
    And some days I got this depression/porn binges cycles when I barelly eat. This is devastating.
    No much P urges. Last night I was thinking about girls that I know. In terms of relationship. In a nutshell - I was wondering why tha fuck shes aint here with me. This is not common to me. Im rather thinking about actress- you know what was my favorite movie genre.
    Keep moving.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  17. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Pretty good start of this week. Nothing special happened. I woke up after first alarm, well rested. Had enought time to eat breakfast without a rush. Everything went fine in work.
    As I write this I realized that today I was free of all this negative thoughts. Didnt constantly think about how poor my job is, how fucked I am. Not like Im fully concerned with my current situation. But all this negativity just bring me down.
    Gym after work. I was a bit sore as I worked out last two days too. But couldnt stop myslef from training. It was fun and I felt even better after.
    Some learning and reading in the evening.
    It was a good day.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  18. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Rollercoaster. Today wasnt much different than yesterday. But my mood and attitude changed 180 degree.
    What to do when I dont know what to do? Today I think like everything I pursue is bullshit.
    Ahh fuck.
    I will just grab some book.
    90 days non less. Felt some urge to watch P today. But I feel commited. I strongly believe that beeing clean will help me somehow.
     
  19. Kurkuror

    Kurkuror Member

    Ehh I finished writing that post. I stumbled on video "How and why men in your country commit suicide". It wasnt becouse of cookies or my search history. Just coincidience. Or a sign from god? Summaring all categories in which thoose statistics where divided. I would end in top3.
    Money. Its all about money. Nothing is more relevant.
     
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Hey man. Reading some of your posts actually breaks my heart. I’ve had suicidal thoughts as well but luckily I’ve been able to shrug them off fairly Quickly. Now, when they pop up, I just realize that they only pop up because I really want to live, but my mistakes and circumstances are keeping me from the life I so desperately want. That motivates me to do something about it and not long for death.

    You were created in the image of God. You are valuable, you’re unique and priceless! You have a purpose and you’re very much wanted. Don’t let the devil fool you by thinking this was a sign of God. God only wants you to be free, happy and full of life!

    This is what He says in John 10:10
    “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

    Have a blessed day!
     

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