Been trying to quit for 13 years. But never tried this. Maybe this is the answer.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Brianstorm86, Nov 28, 2022.

  1. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    I looked at porn the last 2 nights. Or maybe it is one big night. I was so tired from having to get up early for Christmas Eve because we had our bigger family Christmas then at my aunt's house. Then I didn't get much sleep that night either and had to get up even earlier for Christmas. I ended up falling asleep on the couch at like 4pm and slept, occasionally waking, until 2:30am. I got up then because I had slept 10 hours and stayed up. But later that night ended up looking at porn. And I stayed up that day until around 8 when I fell asleep in my chair until around 11. Then tried to stay up to fix my schedule a bit. But later that night I looked at porn again. In my mind that old familiar "It's only been a day so it's not like you're breaking a big streak or anything..." but harder to fight because I was tired.
    My one therapist had that saying "H.A.L.T." which is really true and useful. Are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? and I add in Bored. Any of those things can cause you to misinterepret your body's feelings into thinking you want porn. If I can remember that and try to make sure to satisfy all those when I'm feeling an urge to look at porn it can be helpful. But I guess I was just too tired to even think straight. I should have realized I'd be vulnerable.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Yeah definitely. Anxiety is also a tough one, and easily mistaken for arousal. And lack of sleep really reduces your ability to choose for long term satisfaction over immediate gratification.

    Well done for writing down here what happened. This will help you to be aware and alert next time. When in the future your sleep schedule is affected (especially during reboot) you know that you have be careful and make a good plan to stay clean, e.g. not be alone, not have IADs around, etc.
    Brianstorm86 and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  3. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Based on my experience, I realized that I used porn to escape from bad feelings. Whenever I felt bad, my brain suggested me porn to escape from the bad reality. It became a mental association and, with the years, it just reinforced itself.

    What I had to accept is that bad feelings come and go because life is made of ups and downs. I had to take responsibility of my actions and life situation.

    Only if we choose to face whatever comes regardless of the pain and we stop looking at the past, we can really progress in our journey. If we keep searching for an easy way-out, we will remain stuck where we are right now.

  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think I herd of a variation of the classic H.A.L.T. acronym called H.A.L.T.B.S = Hungry / Angry / Lonely / Tired / Bored / Stressed

    So yea this addiction can come at us for multiple reasons ; feeling bad or sometimes feeling like we achieved a lot yet are stressed out and deserve a reward. Sometimes because we are bored. Sometimes because we're overwhelmed.

    One thing for sure is that a sleep routine out of whack will increase the chances of relapsing big time, in my experience. Another one is being hungover.

    I second what Dr. Jeckyll wrote above, I think beating our addiction(s) imply addressing whatever we fear deep inside, whatever it is that is holding us back. We have to find a way to address that, to work on it, to face it, and yet at the same time not stay stuck on the past. We just have to keep trying to work on this, while also making big efforts to improve our capacity to stay sober. These two elements, together, may be the way out.
    Brianstorm86 likes this.
  5. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Ha, yes, HALT BS is right. That's good. Thank you guys. I have bad feelings about myself, which a lot of that is because I'm a porn addict. And then ironically I look at porn which compounds the shame. But often I just look at porn because I'm bored I think. Which is frustrating as boredom is actually good for creativity. But I can't risk it and so fill my time with distractions.

    I ended up looking at porn again the next night too but luckily my dad woke up really early and I couldn't finish. I can't remember the last time I went 2 nights in a row, let alone 3. Ug. But I haven't last night or tonight. I'm finding this blog is really helping me keep track of triggers and patterns. But there is more to it than just trying to avoid situations. When you're an addict it can feel like you have no willpower at all but we still do. And it takes at least some to try to quit. But if I just don't even try at all then I end up looking at porn 3 nights in a row. I just have to really remember why I'm doing this and grit my teeth. If I have to just sit in place, paralyzed, well then that's what I'll have to do.
  6. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    So far so good today.
  7. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    I've also had DE due to porn but a 90 day nofap streak fixed that for me.
    After that I never watched as much porn as before (1-3 times a day usually), just occasional relapse from time to time, so DE is gone for good.
    Some girls would get offended if you cannot climax during sex and will make it about them not being pretty enough.
    Even though porn is the reason. However, some will even like that you take forever.
    Brianstorm86 likes this.
  8. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Yeah, I think it was part of why my ex broke up with me. That I wasn't attracted to her enough. I think she enjoyed going for a while during sex, getting orgasms. But I never finished and it just was anticlimactic.
  9. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    I just did it. Barely a few hours into the new year. Dammit! It was a good day too. My niece and nephews finally got to play the Switch they got for Christmas because my one nephew has been sick. Later on my whole family ate together at the table which we never usually do because it's always covered in papers and things. But we had cleaned it off to play board games, which we did after eating. Played until almost 12 then watched the ball drop. But I am tired and again that left me open. I even felt it, deep down, like it's inevitable. I thought of putting cold water on my dick which worked once but I didn't. Ug. I really just hate how even the faintest notion of resistance disappears. Like I'm suddenly a different person. A different brain.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can definitely relate to this.

    It's ok man, it's a new day. We can stay clean today.
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    I haven't been here in over a month. It was bad at first, doing it a bunch of times a week, sometimes days in a row. Which for me is a lot, especially as I go for hours, sometimes all night. But after a while I stopped doing it as often. Lately it's been hardly at all, been keeping busy. But just did it and feel like crud. Ug. It's easy to feel dejected and defeated. But I can't give up. Looking at porn just isn't me. It's the anomaly in my life. Like another person taking over. I hate it. I need to excise it from life, remove the tumor that is porn. Once more into breach.
    AbyssDive and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  12. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Hmm, well that didn't work out. I can go a week without but eventually I do it.You ever get drastic thoughts like "Maybe if I break my hand I'll be able to stop long enough to quit"? But I really just need to be vigilant. When it happens I'm not fighting enough. Ad I know you can't really fight it but I'm not even trying to resist. I need to remember why I want this.
    I started taking a antidepressant, Welbutrin CR. It allows you to use more dopamine so maybe it will help. It was originally a tobacco quitting medicine. Unlike other antidepressants this kind doesn't have sexual side effects, though I've seen from posts that it can make you hornier. But others said that's because depression lowers libido so it is just fixing it to normal levels. We'll see. Don't feel different yet.
  13. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    I feel like no PMO is like an antidepressant as well. I get way more confident and content after a couple of weeks.

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