Been trying to quit for 13 years. But never tried this. Maybe this is the answer.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Brianstorm86, Nov 28, 2022.

  1. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    I started looking at porn when I was 9 or 10 I think. But it wasn't until 2009 when I was 23 that I fist realized it was an issue and started trying to quit. I didn't even know about porn addiction yet I just knew I was spending way too much time doing it and getting into weird territory. Then I was on an Omegle text chat and a guy posted the link for YourBrainOnPorn and it blew my mind. All the symptoms of porn addiction were things I had experienced most of my life. I had Social Anxiety Disorder pretty bad that ruined my whole life so I lost all friends by high school and didn't have a girlfriend until I was 24 (online long distance as all my relationships have been or started as), general anxiety, panic attacks, dulled emotions, depression, derealization, depersonalization, OCD, and loads more. Plus delayed ejaculation (though I didn't quite realize how bad until I finally met a girlfriend in person when I was 27).
    My worst times looking at porn were probably in college, especially when I had my own apartment. I remember a few times looking at porn from like 8pm all night until I left to go to an 8am class without sleeping. I was edging though sometimes when I look at porn I won't even be doing that, my dick will just be soft and I'm not even doing anything with it, just looking at porn. Until the end of course.
    Like other porn addicts I also progressed from vanilla to everything under the sun. I've seen some weird and wild shit (sometimes literally), like most I'm sure. It led me to question my sexuality. I still wonder if I might be bisexual and have considered trying something with a guy or trans woman. But then I wonder if it's just the porn addiction.
    I've never been able to orgasm from PIV sex or oral or anything besides my own masturbation. Death grip and not using any lubricant to masturbate played their part there I'm sure. Plus masturbating by sliding the skin under my head up and down (I'm circumcised but still have a bit) instead of going over the head. So sex just feels alien and odd. Good in a way but my body just feels confused. It's like my brain can't connect it to orgasm.
    I used to write down the date in an email to myself whenever I relapsed. But seeing all those dates in my emails was depressing and I found counting days to be counterproductive. It would make me think about porn too much. And also get those manipulative thoughts like "It's only been a day or 2 since I relapsed so I could do it again and it wouldn't be a big deal." I stopped counting and it's better.
    I tried using pornblockers. I had the k9 thing, tried others, had an add-on that rerouted porn sites to another site like YourBrainOnPorn. I even had a internet monitor that a girlfriend monitored for me. I had the password for k9 as a long string of random numbers and letters. I put that in an email in a long list of other random letters/numbers. I put the password to that email address as another long word/number thing and put that in a long list of similar word/number things in a notepad document. I would still go through each one until I found it and then the same in the email. I put the password on a strip of paper, ripped int into 4 pieces and put each uner the leg of a very heavy piece of furniture. I would still get them. And later I figured out how to just disable it. If anything the blockers made it worse because beating them became part of the thrill of it all. The chase. I felt crazy and absurd going around porn blockers I put up myself.
    The longest I've even gone without was a few months when living with an ex-girlfriend. We had sex a lot and after she finished I would finish myself off. So I guess I was getting enough sexual release and connection not to need porn. And I didn't have my own computer there either. It was a very tough breakup which led me back to porn. These days I go 4-7 days between porn sessions. Whenever I feel like I'm finally getting to a good place with my addiction I guess I let my guard down and relapse. I've been trying to notice triggers more but sometimes they come out of nowhere and I don't realize until later that it's a trigger.
    I started to get really serious about it back in 2018 when I tried to find a therapist that was an addiction specialist. I also was experiencing general anxiety that was pretty bad with panic attacks (thankfully I had already overcome my social anxiety by then). I found a few and asked them questions and finally narrowed to 2 that I tried. I ended up going with a woman who was an actual addiction counselor. She said a lot of stuff that was from A.A. "Willpower vs. Willingness" (Willingness to change your life), "H.A.L.T." (Are you actually Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Deal with these first and see if you still have porn desire). Some of these things were helpful but most weren't. Eventually I stopped going to her because it wasn't helping and she seemed not as interested in me. In 2019 I started going to the other therapist I had tried and I have been with him ever since. We have a good connection and he has helped me a lot with so much. I don't experience anxiety anymore. It's amazing. But the addiction is still a struggle that we're trying to work on.
    I really hate porn. So much. So much that sometimes I almost just hate the idea of sex altogether. I feel pathetic and crazy that when I get an urge to look at porn I can't control my own body. I can have all the logic and plans and wherewithal I can but the instant I decide to look at porn because of some trigger it just goes away. When I look at porn I just am completely gone. My mind is blank. I recently almost became aware enough to try to talk to myself but my inner voice sounded so far away and muted. Sometimes I'll have to stop to go to the bathroom or something. I try to tell myself then that I don't have to go back to it. Maybe I can just masturbate there in the bathroom so I won't want to look at porn after I come out. But I don't. I just go back to it.
    I just want to be in control of my own body, self, and life. I hate being out of control. Which is also why I have never had alcohol, tobacco, or drugs. I just want to be me again, like I was before porn addiction. Which I guess was when I was a kid. I want to be free again.
    All these years I never tried a porn addiction forum like this. I guess part of me didn't want to put all this out there and admit I'm an addict this way. Maybe part of me thinks it will work and doesn't want to quit. I hope it does work. This is day 1. Not that I'm counting. ;p
     
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Well, whos counting :3

    Welcome to them forums!

    Had the same issue, for me it was something I could retrain, just took/takes a while.
     
  3. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Hey Brainstorm86, welcome. A lot of what you wrote sure resonates with me.
    I'm curious to know what therapy/modalities helped with your anxieties, both general and social.
     
  4. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Last night I was on Reddit and on my feed was a post from TodayIWore. It has different interesting outfits people wear. A girl was showing her outfit but was standing with her foot up on a chair in a very provocative pose as she was wearing a short skirt. But she had a scarf hanging down covering her crotch. Either way she way pretty enough and the pose got my attention so I checked her profile and it she is really into S&M and it's all OnlyFans stuff. I have it set so NSFW stuff is blurred unless I click it. I did click a bunch and thankfully she must save her truly sexual photos for her OF. But she had a few boob pics. Luckily I didn't succumb and masturbate but this is the kind of thing I really need to avoid. I don't know why I ever click a girl's profile on Reddit. It's always to see if she has nude pics. So I guess I do know why I do it, ha. But I need to avoid these triggers in future.

    @dark red drifter vessel Thanks! How did you retrain? I've tried to masturbate loosely, and with lube. It just takes so long to feel much or get to orgasm. I haven't really done it while looking at porn. It's bizarre but porn orgasms really seem to come from the mind. Trying it based on just feeling is so different and harder to achieve for me.

    @Doper Thank you.
    Social Anxiety:
    I started having social anxiety in 6th grade and got quiet, lost all friends eventually. Never dated in person. But it was worse than that even. I remember a time in college I needed to ask the librarian to order a book but I just couldn't. I just stood frozen in the middle of the library floor. Half of me knowing I needed it, the other half holding me back. I was paralyzed. I used to get panic attacks too, though I initially thought I was just getting extreme nausea. Got tons of blood tests and was finally told I was lactose intolerant. Thought I was for years until I suspected I wasn't and low and behold I could eat dairy fine. It was only later I realized they were panic attacks. In college I also had this one class in the middle of campus 3 floors up. I would drive to campus, run across the lot, down a hill, across the road, through a building, across the quad, up 3 flights and then...the door was closed. Not locked but I couldn't go in. I was like a minute late. Everyone would be looking at me. So I went all the way back to my car and went back to my apartment. This happened a few times. And at parties I just never talked to anyone and always wished I could.
    But I did theatre. On stage I wasn't afraid because I wasn't me, I was someone else. But I think doing that, working with others collaboratively helped my social anxiety. And every summer for like 10 years I worked at my county fair in the grandstand taking tickets. Thousands of people would go by each year, sometimes angry. I would have to tell them to go to one of the other gates if in the wrong one. Or if we were sold out. Or where to buy tickets. Or to go outside to smoke. It really helped with my anxiety. I also worked for a few months at an incoming call center for people who needed transport to doctors but had no car. With calls coming in non-stop on a headset it really didn't allow anxiety. So all that plus experience with having serious girlfriends, even though they were long distance, really helped. And just getting older maybe.
    I'm amazed now how I go places and I don't even think what others might be thinking. It doesn't even occur to me to wonder about it. One reason is that I'm not a mind reader. Assumptions mean nothing. And also others' opinions are nothing to do with me. It's their opinions. None of my business.
    Another thing is when you go somewhere are you constantly looking at one person the whole time? Are you keeping track of everything they do, say, their expressions? When their back is turned are you laughing or joking about them? How about later afterward, are you still thinking and joking about them then? No, you were thinking about yourself the whole time, what you are saying and doing, how you're coming across, etc. And it's the same with everyone else. When you realize everyone is only thinking about themselves most of the time it really can free you. We're all pretty self absorbed but it can be a good thing in this case.
    And if you want to never have anyone dislike you, as I didn't well sorry but people already don't like you. Because some don't like anyone. You can't please everyone. And I mean that logically. Some people like something and others like the exact opposite. So you really can't please everyone at all. Just be yourself and please yourself (in this way I mean, ha).
    If someone thinks or says something about you either they are right, in which case why does it matter? Or they are just saying something untrue, in which case why does it matter? If you know who you are that's what matters.

    General Anxiety and Panic Attacks:
    My general anxiety came on years later. Maybe because my social anxiety was gone and my body needed a new anxiety? I was anxious all the time for no reason. I'd try to figure out reasons why but none really explained. I would have panic attacks too. I remember one period I was in a low-grade panic for like weeks unending. And the worst was a time I literally thought I was dying. Something was WRONG. I told my parents I needed to go the hospital and was shaking so hard I couldn't tie my shoes. I thought it was a heart attack. As I left my mom wasn't going to go and at the door I just couldn't say it, I felt I was saying goodbye forever. But then she did come with us. When I got there and was rushed in I was questioned by a nurse and began to calm down. It was an anxiety attack. That was scary as hell.
    My therapist helped me through this. His main focus is body-focused stuff. Feeling what's happening in your own body. Sometimes you can have anxiety in your body but not actively realize it in your mind. He sometimes has me just pause and experience what I'm feeling. Don't judge it or try to change it, just be in the moment. But most of the time we are just talking about stuff. I guess the thing that helped with anxiety was to ask myself "Is this a worthwhile thought? Is it a healthy thought?" and the answer was no. I did this with every anxious thought, right as I got them, and eventually stopped having them.
    Mindfulness was also key. If I was starting to feel panicky or really anxious I knew I needed to focus on the here and now. I did the 5 senses thing.

    First look around you for 5 colors, patters, interesting looking things. Stuff you didn't really notice before much. Actively look.
    Then feel 4 things you can feel. The chair on your butt, clothes on your skin, hair on your head, the materials or textures of different things.
    Then 3 things you can hear.
    2 things you can smell.
    Finally 1 thing you can taste, the taste of your own mouth we usually ignore.
    This simple exercise of connecting to the present really kills anxiety. But sometimes I need to repeat it a few times.

    For panic attacks, and is helpful with anxiety in general too, read this: AWARE. It is so, so, so helpful. And also at the worst times doing a panic diary, which he links to. Doing a diary in the moment gives you perspective and can help calm it. But the stuff he says here is for just everyday anxiety too. I'd recap it here but I can't say it better than him, the different steps and why. I did AWARE for every panic attack or strong anxiety and now never have them. Acknowledging that it's not danger just discomfort and not fighting it (which makes it worse like oil on a fire), just letting it blow through like a cloud moving through on a breeze, etc. It's not your job to stop a panic attack, it will end on its own. Just like every attack has before and will.
    I hope this stuff can help you like it helped me. Just because we have thoughts doesn't mean we need to believe them. It may be true that we had them but it doesn't mean what we are thinking is a true fact.
     
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    By accident. At some point I bought a masturbator, these silicone what have you things that get kinda awkward when you have them on your desk and friends come over. Okay, time to be serious. (That did happen though, and we got a good laugh out of it. Somehow.)

    Warning: Shit will get sort of graphic from here, venture forth on your own risk, you beautiful water crystals :3

    What I found:
    The sensation is different. But dude, if you are death gripping it, you have to understand that it needs to be different, too. Took me some time to come with that, in the beginning it wasn't even possible. When it happened, it felt different. Softer, less 500 kilo of pressure boom dynamite, more spread around than focused. Actually sticking yer dick into somethong also feels way different that your hand will ever feel. In a way, this can feel like a loss. But if you have death grip issues, you need to understand that there is something you might lose in order to shift over time to being able to penetrate and orgasm from that wirh a partner or tge threehundred grams of silicone matter from yout grocery store around the corner.

    Quitting porn and retraining the kind of sensation you need to orgasm are sort of different things. You do not necessarily need to be off of porn to get used to softer style, tho if you over do the soft style, you will still get ed. This is not a recommendation, just an observation.

    The next thing: I, also by accident, bought a masturbator that was shaped with a flat enough underside and enough weight, that I could put it on the matress and fuck it missionary style. And that changed a lot. First off, it limits the intensity and frequency of sensation to your capacity to move. This'll limit the amount of how much you can over do this.

    Also I kinda got comfortable with the whole setting of vanilla fuckery. It feels different when you move your body versus just your hand. Its also a bit of a workout.

    This also eased my anxiety of not being able to perform. Cos it is quite closer to actually doing someone.

    After a while, I got used to enjoy the softer sensation and would get more out of soft, and less out of hard touches. I found out that the process is reversible in both directions.

    Okay, that is all I have right now. Any questions?
     
  6. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    @Brianstorm86 - Thanks for that, I'm glad that stuff worked for you and I appreciate the effort you put into posting. I'll check out that link.
     
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I think forums can help because it's about community and I do believe support and community are an essential ingredient (though not sufficient) in making it out of this mess. I can also relate to a lot of stuff you have shared. Especially the social anxiety (general anxiety as well) aspects and some of the OCD elements you hinted at. I have thought (or obsessed) so much whether a counter is good or not for me. Whether it's helpful or counter-productive. I have also debated for so long on whether porn addiction or sex addiction exists or if it's not just some kind of a B.S. notion. Yet here I am, addicted for pretty much 20 years now and having tried to quit this for 9 years quite seriously without any true success so far. Still very much stuck in the cycle of the addiction. Anyways, welcome and I hope this forum can help you out.

    From what you shared it sounds to me like the social stuff you have done such as the theater and the county fair and call center jobs you mentioned - and also sticking with your second therapists - where very helpful. Especially in not letting social anxiety get out of hand further. It gets much worse if we avoid and don't get social exposure.
     
  8. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    I was looking at an email (from Entertainment Weekly) and then scrolling down there was an ad for a bra. The woman was attractive, big boobs, and the bra was semitransparent so you could see nipples. So this was a trigger that came out of nowhere. But instead of wanting to look at porn I instantly thought that it was a trigger and I should write about it on here. I'm hoping that will be my reaction from now on to triggers and porn thoughts. To replace PMO with writing on here.

    @dark red drifter vessel Thanks for that detailed reply. I have thought about getting one of those. But it's awkward as I live with my parents, plus my brother and his family live here too. I'm not sure how to order it and get it without anyone knowing. But maybe I'll look into it.

    @Doper I hope anything I wrote can help. It's definitely not something that can go away overnight.

    @Thelongwayhome27 Thanks. My therapist said that connection is the opposite of addiction in many ways. I'm hoping that is true and this helps me. So far so good. Do you have social anxiety? I hope you can get over it like I did. It wasn't easy but it is so freeing now. I don't even think about the fact that I don't have it anymore. I just am there in the moment.
     
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  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    In Germany, there are companies that offer discreet shipping. Also, some shops which takes parcels or these lockers. But idk, thats country dependant.
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yea I definitely have social anxiety. It started to get bad in high school (around age 14). I can't say that I don't have it anymore but it has changed. Before I think I had more intense social anxiety but now it's like I can handle my social anxiety a little better (probably because of maturity and experience) but I have a lot of general anxiety and a host of other issues. I still avoid a lot of things because of social anxiety and I can feel very inhibited and uncomfortable in certain social contexts. It does seem to vary though based on my self esteem or self respect and also how much I expose myself to uncomfortable situations or rather isolate at home. If I isolate at home a lot it probably gets worse. Also if I relapse to PMO it gets a lot worse because I start feeling much worse about myself. The shame becomes very hard to cope with, mentally. Which makes me want to PMO more :(.

    Well done resisting that trigger !
     
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  11. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 I hope some of the stuff I said can help. Read that link too. Anxiety is really about not being in the moment. You're in the future, think about all the things that could possibly go right. But it's way tipped in a negative direction. You're not thinking about all the possible good things that could happen, or (more likely) neither good or bad. Try to think of your life and how many times what you were anxious about actually happened vs. something else happening that was better or normal. Anxious people are shit fortune tellers. We hardly ever get it right.
    Another thing to consider is we are all going to die. You could worry and wring your hands and be anxious your whole life and it won't change it. Or you could live your life in the moment and try to enjoy yourself as best you can. Either way you go to the same location. So how do you want that ride to be? I also like to use the analogy of a movie. When watching movies we know it's going to end eventually, movies always do, but if you sit there thinking all the time about it and worrying before you know it the movie will end you missed the whole thing. Better to try to enjoy it while it's playing.
     
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  12. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Unfortunately tonight I just did it. I read a news story that was crazy and hilarious. But at one point it mentioned the guy it was talking about and a guy he was conning had sex. It actual humorous in the context. But maybe that got in my head. I went on here later and on 2 other forums. NoFap has a Panic Button that goes to a screen with different buttons like "Emergency" etc. If you click that it goes to different posts or memes that will help you if you are feeling like relapsing. I clicked out of curiosity and it went to a post about a guy saying when he gets a boner he imagines Starcraft enemies attacking his dick. It's so ridiculous it snaps him out of it. But later I was trying to find a game to play, started one I never played and was looking at keybindings when I got hard. I was rubbing my dick through pants. I stopped myself but kept going back to it. I tried to imagine those minions attacking my dick. But it didn't work. I ended up closing everything, opening Firefox and looking at porn. The only good thing I can say is that I finished in a couple minutes instead of hours and hours of binging. I think next time I need to just go straight to these forums at the first hint I might be in trouble.
     
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear of the reset but yea what you say above is still definitely a positive I would say.
     
  14. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Well I just relapsed again, this time it was for like 4 hours. I'm not sure what brought it on. I was playing a game, Tis-100 which is a coding game, no visuals. But all of the sudden it came out of nowhere. I tried the NoFap Panic Button. I clicked a bunch of times but nothing really helped. It was so strong. I tried to tell myself that, yeah it's strong but I don't have to give in. But ultimately I did.
    I see I haven't been on here in almost a week. I didn't realize it was that long. I will come on here more often from now on, ideally every day. To help me remember what I'm trying to accomplish. And I'll write about good things. Not just triggers or relapses.
     
  15. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Today was good. No porn or thoughts to do it. Which is good a day after relapsing, didn't feel the chaser. I've been keeping occupied with games and watching a bunch of episodes of a show with my mom. I also took off my hair replacement system and cleaned it, etc. which took some time.
     
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  16. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Dang. Once again. Was it because I missed one day not being here? I talked about addiction and these forums in therapy today. Maybe that triggered it.
    Well, back at it.
     
  17. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    The last 2 days have been fine. Trying to keep busy. Everyone's sick here and I might be getting it too. I got the flu vaccine yesterday though so maybe it's just that. But as far as porn I'm keeping my nose (dick?) clean.
     
  18. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    Still going strong, not even an urge. But maybe that's not going strong, maybe getting an urge but choosing not to engage is a better sign. We'll see. I hope this continues. Recently had some amazing personal news and am feeling hopeful in my life a way I haven't in years.
     
  19. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    I'm feeling it deep down. That subtle thing. But why listen to it? And yet I'm getting the feeling that "It's inevitable so why fight it?" But why is it inevitable? It doesn't have to be. I'm not just trying to cut back on porn here. The aim is to quit it forever. So I'll just ignore the voice/feeling.
     
  20. Brianstorm86

    Brianstorm86 New Member

    I ended up relapsing that next night. It was my own fault, I should have been more alert. There was a surprising vid on Reddit from TikTok where a girl was skinny, flat-chested but turned to the side and had a big nice ass. I could have just left it there but I searched her username and saw she had an OF. I opened a bunch of tabs but didn't actually look at them. I use the family computer (technically though I'm the only one who uses it) in our dining room and my mom was sitting at kitchen table in her seat that faves toward the computer. She hadn't gone to bed yet, was on her laptop. So I had the tabs there top check once she went to bed. I could have just closed them. I wasn't even looking at porn then, just anticipating.

    Then later I had 2 opportunities to stop during. Once when I had to go to the bathroom. I got my mind back a bit and thought that it's inevitable now. Butt hen thought why? But when I went back to computer I couldn't close it. Another time I had to let the dog out and had to actually put on a coat and boots and hat to go find his rope's end somewhere in the snow. But I still went back to it after I got in.

    It's really almost impossible to stop once I start. I've done it before but only ever a few times. I should have just not watched that video at all once I initially saw the girl and was attracted. Or just closed it when done and moved on. It was a trigger and I let it continue.
     

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